Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
"Fly to Jesus and Live"
The moment we met her in the clinic at The Philip Hayden Foundation, something immediately happened within my heart. We were there to take pictures for this special needs orphanage, so we had our camera's and began meeting the sickest of the children who were located in this particular house. Mei Mei was dressed in a blue and white dress and wanted to see the pictures on our view finder. She pointed to the picture of herself and said, "Mei Mei," which in Chinese means Beautiful. I thought she was so amazing to know that she was beautiful regardless of her physical limits and lack of family to properly love and care for her. Later, I learned her name was Mei Mei, but what a beautiful portrait of God's love, that he points to our picture and says, "Mei Mei!"
Mei Mei could not walk due to the multiple heart conditions she had, so she rode around on a little scooter, from room to room. Her lips were blue, her finger tips swollen and blue from a lack of oxygen, her legs and arms as thin as sticks, yet beautiful and worthy of love and a family.
In late July, we inquired with Holt Adoption Agency, about making an adoption plan. She was so sick and labeled as having an "inoperable heart condition," that left her unadoptable," or at least, probably, undesirable for adoption prospects. In September we found out her actual diagnosis and it was a blow, after my research and reaching out to cardiac specialists seemed to only confirm that her condition was truly un-fixable. Here was the diagnosis we received:
TIFFANY/MEI MEI: "She is a frail and beautiful 4 yr old with an inoperable heart condition that came to us on 4-2-08. She has Single ventricle, ASD, persistent truncus arteriosus and tricuspid stenosis. She has been evaluated before, but over the past few months we have taken her to our heart surgeons to see what they would say. Last week they redid an MRI and a heart echo and feel that they cannot offer her any surgery as she does not have the vessels needed to be able to do any shunts. She gets quite
cyanotic and is treated with Oxygen as needed. At the same time is quite active and happy and is always the first one to greet any new visitor with a big hug. She is one of our very special Heart Babies and we will continue to see if something can be done to help her."
Also in September, we contacted WACAP, another adoption agency and asked if they would be able to assist us in our pursuing Mei Mei's adoption. They responded, saying it would be difficult to request a specific child as typical Chinese adoptions are "referred," not by choosing a specific child. They asked for more information about Mei Mei, and we gathered it quickly with help from a Yahoo Group we belonged to.
Chinese Name: Song Yangmei
DOB 9/2/04
Original Orphanage Placement: Yangxi Orphanage
Diagnosis: Single Ventricle ASD, Persistent Truncus Arteriosis
Her birthday is a day later than Grace's and her birth city was also extremely close to where Grace had been, relatively, with China being so large, we smiled, certainly as sign that she was to be in our family.
September 30th, we heard back from WACAP, informing us that they had contacted Mei Mei's orphanage and felt confident that they would list her as adoptable if their was indeed a family willing to adopt her, despite her delicate health conditions. Ironically, that same day, the impact of the financial world and declining economic climate became apparent to us and faith in Brian's job for our financial needs began to come crashing down. We replied to WACAP advising them that an open door in China, was met with a closing one within our current means.
Many of these stories end with the happily ever after, God awing miracle...but, this one ends differently. We found out this morning that little Mei Mei, the beautiful girl that unexpectedly caught our hearts while on our 2008 missions trip to China, passed away this morning.
Why did it have to end this way? Were we not faithful beyond what we knew we could humanly accomplish? Was she never meant to be ours? Did God spare our family from catastrophic and irreversible heart break that we would not have recovered from? I don't know the answer to these questions! Does it absolutely kill me that this innocent and sick precious child did not have her safe place to fall? Where will condolences be sent? Who will mourn everyday for her? Who's life will be changed because of her leaving this world? Where will her file and paperwork go?
And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side...and
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and LIVE!
Lyrics from "An Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice
Pictures of Mei Mei, collected over the past year-and-a-half, since our meeting and longing to have her join our family.
Her birthday is a day later than Grace's and her birth city was also extremely close to where Grace had been, relatively, with China being so large, we smiled, certainly as sign that she was to be in our family.
September 30th, we heard back from WACAP, informing us that they had contacted Mei Mei's orphanage and felt confident that they would list her as adoptable if their was indeed a family willing to adopt her, despite her delicate health conditions. Ironically, that same day, the impact of the financial world and declining economic climate became apparent to us and faith in Brian's job for our financial needs began to come crashing down. We replied to WACAP advising them that an open door in China, was met with a closing one within our current means.
Many of these stories end with the happily ever after, God awing miracle...but, this one ends differently. We found out this morning that little Mei Mei, the beautiful girl that unexpectedly caught our hearts while on our 2008 missions trip to China, passed away this morning.
Why did it have to end this way? Were we not faithful beyond what we knew we could humanly accomplish? Was she never meant to be ours? Did God spare our family from catastrophic and irreversible heart break that we would not have recovered from? I don't know the answer to these questions! Does it absolutely kill me that this innocent and sick precious child did not have her safe place to fall? Where will condolences be sent? Who will mourn everyday for her? Who's life will be changed because of her leaving this world? Where will her file and paperwork go?
And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side...and
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and LIVE!
Lyrics from "An Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice
Pictures of Mei Mei, collected over the past year-and-a-half, since our meeting and longing to have her join our family.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friends that have touched our lives!
We are feeling the second-hand pain of a brother and sister in Christ. Just as we've seen cancer with our friends, Jeff & Kim, we experience the sting of marriage trials as our friends tread through the places we've been in marriage. I'm learning that relationships are learned, guided and always messy. I guess the relationship that we see as natural is not how everyone else experiences it and when your highly vulnerable and open, there is a lot of risk and thus, a lot to loose. I certainly have been hurt before in relationship, but I also feel I have been given the rare gift of true relationship, with many people. My dear friends in Spokane, and my best friend, who is now in the same state as I, just many hours away, have been such a blessing to me.
I truly began to learn some relationship truth's, from my great friend Megan. I learned amazing things through my friendship with Megan, I also learned about hurt, when there was unhealthiness and insecurities on my part, and how loosing can devastate. I also learned about reconciliation and healing past hurts and misunderstandings and continue to consider Megan a dear friend, even though she's many states away.
When I was lonely and wounded, God brought me Angie, a friend who shared the love for youth ministry and The Lord. We were brought together in a bond that began in ministry and led to the deepest relationship I've ever known. My amazing "sisterhood" with Angie began in accountability, Bible study & prayer. We began meeting together every Saturday, about 5 1/2 years ago, giving permission to one-another to ask tough questions, answer them honestly, and admit and pray over each others failures. Accountability partners led to intimacy, which led to a strong bond in Christ and to each other. We began to share regularly the things that women just don't share. Not just the surface anger, but the hurts behind our anger, the vulnerabilities of why we felt so inadequate at times, our failures as wives and mothers and daughters. We devoured books that dealt with God's view of women and how we were meant to care for each other as sister's in Christ. It began to click and God's meaning of True relationship began to be revealed to and through us. Many of the core beliefs that we falsely believed about ourselves would rear their ugly heads and the other one was their to refute it. Leaving Angie when we made the move from Spokane to California was one of the greatest causes of my grief. We have continued to meet on Saturday mornings over the past 9 months, just instead of face to face, we are now, coffee's in hand and on the phone.
I met my sweet friend Michelle, in our home group several years ago. I'm not sure what drew us to her and her husband Patrick, but it was another God ordained friendship. Michelle was hurting from misunderstanding and rejection in relationship and because I knew this pain, we connected. Michelle is a friend who is loyal and sensitive. She was committed to making relationship a priority and our families, though different, became extremely close. She was there to listen to my endless hours of complaining during our wait for our daughter, Grace, adopted from China. In spite of their own fertility struggles, remaining without children of her own, she stood by me and came to the airport to welcome our Grace home. Aunty Shelly as she became known, blessed my heart in many ways, but one that touched me profoundly was when she gave Grace some books from her Hope Chest of precious things she had collected for her own babies. Michelle was and is a precious gift from God.
Jeff & Kim's Story~
I met Jeff just after they returned to Spokane, from Florida. He was a contractor in our church and when our first house needed some updating, he bid and helped us utilize our small budget in this remodel. Since it was a small home, and he was in my kitchen for weeks, it began natural to talk about family and life. I learned he was the father to 5 and an amazing man of God. He was certainly not shy about his opinion about most anything, but even though we seemed so different, we strangely agreed on most things. Jeff introduced us to Dr. Laura, Glenn Beck, "homeowner special tools," owning a boat, camping, snow-mobiling, guns, Craigslist, and became Brian's best friend. Since Jeff & Kim did not have family in Spokane, we began hanging out with their family, which grew over the years, from five to seven children. Our First Thanksgiving, was one of chaos for me, but the norm of their 7 and our 3 kids' requests being shouted from the table became the usual and we shared hundred's of meals with their family over the many years. Kim awed me in her ability to mother 7 children and love her husband so wholly. Many evenings as our husbands spent time snowmobiling or catching a movie, we shared about our lives and hearts as mothers and wives. We commiserated as wives who's husbands were commissioned and spent many weekends, camping and boating together, even the occasional snow-mobiling trip that the wives were invited to. Kim was always the first to offer help with our kids when we had emergencies, no matter how inconvenient or untimely for her. More times than I can count, Kim took our kids (in addition to her 7, many times when Jeff was traveling) and never once showed an ounce of being overwhelmed, put-out, or wanting anything in return.
Then in early October 2008 we got the news that Kim had a lump in her breast. I'm not sure I've even to this date, fully processed the news of this cancer. Kim was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. We left Spokane, about 6 months after her cancer was detected and her scans have been clear so far. Leaving Jeff & Kim was torturous. They were and are our family.
Robbie & Sonja~
After awhile of attending our Spokane church, we noticed a couple who we really admired and knew we'd love to get to know, so we did the obvious thing, we signed up to be in their home group and stocked them! Half kidding, but half true! We did join their home group to get to know them, but we placed ourselves into an environment and opportunity to meet other couples. We did become friends with Robbie and Sonja and over the past 10 years, we have shared a long history and relationship together. Neither of us had kids at that stage of life and so we enjoyed a great deal of couple time, skiing, sharing meals together and discussing our desires to add to our families. Robbie & Sonja shared a common thread with us, in dealing with fertility and disappointment in getting pregnant. And then, one day, before home group, they called and told us they would be announcing that they were pregnant. We rejoiced for them, but wept for ourselves. (Three months later, God blessed us with our first pregnancy, now known as Jonah, age 10!) Sonja was who I called when I was baffled as a new mother, she invited me to a Mom's class and it was her friend that I met who introduced the idea of adopting from China to us. (That later led to Grace!) Robbie was the big brother I never had. He is a FedEx driver and would sometimes need a place to eat lunch over discussing ministry or life. Robbie became a spiritual and relational mentor to me, always being level-headed and wise. He was led into Pastoral Ministry with our church and sternly told me No when my timing to begin a College-age small group was not right. When the time came to launch the College group, Robbie walked and talked me through. We had countless nights of "Hot Wings," salad and Sonja's amazing desserts together, as we had one, then two children, months apart. As a Physical Therapist, medically savvy and doctor connected, Sonja counseled me through many of my kids' needs. She reassured me when I panicked and directed me when I was overwhelmed. Our last night in Spokane, with our stuff loaded and heading on the moving truck, they offered their home and food for us, even though they were out-of-town.
These stories certainly do not conclude our relationship experiences, they are a few of the many, monumental markers and people in our lives that helped create and develop who and what we are. When meeting with an elder at our new church in California, he asked what we thought our gift was. I immediately said, relationship! Do I think we're better at it than most? No. Do We make it a top priority in talk and action? Yes! Do we fail, often and hard? Absolutely! But, our hearts have been touched, so intimately, so deeply, so profoundly by each person, in a way, only they could!
I truly began to learn some relationship truth's, from my great friend Megan. I learned amazing things through my friendship with Megan, I also learned about hurt, when there was unhealthiness and insecurities on my part, and how loosing can devastate. I also learned about reconciliation and healing past hurts and misunderstandings and continue to consider Megan a dear friend, even though she's many states away.
When I was lonely and wounded, God brought me Angie, a friend who shared the love for youth ministry and The Lord. We were brought together in a bond that began in ministry and led to the deepest relationship I've ever known. My amazing "sisterhood" with Angie began in accountability, Bible study & prayer. We began meeting together every Saturday, about 5 1/2 years ago, giving permission to one-another to ask tough questions, answer them honestly, and admit and pray over each others failures. Accountability partners led to intimacy, which led to a strong bond in Christ and to each other. We began to share regularly the things that women just don't share. Not just the surface anger, but the hurts behind our anger, the vulnerabilities of why we felt so inadequate at times, our failures as wives and mothers and daughters. We devoured books that dealt with God's view of women and how we were meant to care for each other as sister's in Christ. It began to click and God's meaning of True relationship began to be revealed to and through us. Many of the core beliefs that we falsely believed about ourselves would rear their ugly heads and the other one was their to refute it. Leaving Angie when we made the move from Spokane to California was one of the greatest causes of my grief. We have continued to meet on Saturday mornings over the past 9 months, just instead of face to face, we are now, coffee's in hand and on the phone.
I met my sweet friend Michelle, in our home group several years ago. I'm not sure what drew us to her and her husband Patrick, but it was another God ordained friendship. Michelle was hurting from misunderstanding and rejection in relationship and because I knew this pain, we connected. Michelle is a friend who is loyal and sensitive. She was committed to making relationship a priority and our families, though different, became extremely close. She was there to listen to my endless hours of complaining during our wait for our daughter, Grace, adopted from China. In spite of their own fertility struggles, remaining without children of her own, she stood by me and came to the airport to welcome our Grace home. Aunty Shelly as she became known, blessed my heart in many ways, but one that touched me profoundly was when she gave Grace some books from her Hope Chest of precious things she had collected for her own babies. Michelle was and is a precious gift from God.
Jeff & Kim's Story~
I met Jeff just after they returned to Spokane, from Florida. He was a contractor in our church and when our first house needed some updating, he bid and helped us utilize our small budget in this remodel. Since it was a small home, and he was in my kitchen for weeks, it began natural to talk about family and life. I learned he was the father to 5 and an amazing man of God. He was certainly not shy about his opinion about most anything, but even though we seemed so different, we strangely agreed on most things. Jeff introduced us to Dr. Laura, Glenn Beck, "homeowner special tools," owning a boat, camping, snow-mobiling, guns, Craigslist, and became Brian's best friend. Since Jeff & Kim did not have family in Spokane, we began hanging out with their family, which grew over the years, from five to seven children. Our First Thanksgiving, was one of chaos for me, but the norm of their 7 and our 3 kids' requests being shouted from the table became the usual and we shared hundred's of meals with their family over the many years. Kim awed me in her ability to mother 7 children and love her husband so wholly. Many evenings as our husbands spent time snowmobiling or catching a movie, we shared about our lives and hearts as mothers and wives. We commiserated as wives who's husbands were commissioned and spent many weekends, camping and boating together, even the occasional snow-mobiling trip that the wives were invited to. Kim was always the first to offer help with our kids when we had emergencies, no matter how inconvenient or untimely for her. More times than I can count, Kim took our kids (in addition to her 7, many times when Jeff was traveling) and never once showed an ounce of being overwhelmed, put-out, or wanting anything in return.
Then in early October 2008 we got the news that Kim had a lump in her breast. I'm not sure I've even to this date, fully processed the news of this cancer. Kim was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. We left Spokane, about 6 months after her cancer was detected and her scans have been clear so far. Leaving Jeff & Kim was torturous. They were and are our family.
Robbie & Sonja~
After awhile of attending our Spokane church, we noticed a couple who we really admired and knew we'd love to get to know, so we did the obvious thing, we signed up to be in their home group and stocked them! Half kidding, but half true! We did join their home group to get to know them, but we placed ourselves into an environment and opportunity to meet other couples. We did become friends with Robbie and Sonja and over the past 10 years, we have shared a long history and relationship together. Neither of us had kids at that stage of life and so we enjoyed a great deal of couple time, skiing, sharing meals together and discussing our desires to add to our families. Robbie & Sonja shared a common thread with us, in dealing with fertility and disappointment in getting pregnant. And then, one day, before home group, they called and told us they would be announcing that they were pregnant. We rejoiced for them, but wept for ourselves. (Three months later, God blessed us with our first pregnancy, now known as Jonah, age 10!) Sonja was who I called when I was baffled as a new mother, she invited me to a Mom's class and it was her friend that I met who introduced the idea of adopting from China to us. (That later led to Grace!) Robbie was the big brother I never had. He is a FedEx driver and would sometimes need a place to eat lunch over discussing ministry or life. Robbie became a spiritual and relational mentor to me, always being level-headed and wise. He was led into Pastoral Ministry with our church and sternly told me No when my timing to begin a College-age small group was not right. When the time came to launch the College group, Robbie walked and talked me through. We had countless nights of "Hot Wings," salad and Sonja's amazing desserts together, as we had one, then two children, months apart. As a Physical Therapist, medically savvy and doctor connected, Sonja counseled me through many of my kids' needs. She reassured me when I panicked and directed me when I was overwhelmed. Our last night in Spokane, with our stuff loaded and heading on the moving truck, they offered their home and food for us, even though they were out-of-town.
These stories certainly do not conclude our relationship experiences, they are a few of the many, monumental markers and people in our lives that helped create and develop who and what we are. When meeting with an elder at our new church in California, he asked what we thought our gift was. I immediately said, relationship! Do I think we're better at it than most? No. Do We make it a top priority in talk and action? Yes! Do we fail, often and hard? Absolutely! But, our hearts have been touched, so intimately, so deeply, so profoundly by each person, in a way, only they could!
Monday, November 23, 2009
"After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain!"
"Beauty From Pain"
by Super Chick
*Now, my #1 song on my playlist, listen as you read the lyrics!
The lights go out all around me,
One last candle to keep out the night.
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died.
And all that's left is to accept that its' over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made.
I try to keep warm, but I just grow colder.
I feel like I'm slipping away.
After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain,
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.
My whole world is the pain inside me,
The best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place?
And through I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames.
Here I am, at the end of me
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your Promise
There will be a dawn!
I went to title this song/post and then bold all the lyrics that hit me so powerfully, but I couldn't choose just one or two, I just had to highlight them all, because they so perfectly fit my heart at this moment. I realize that I hate to talk about myself with friends because I find my life to be so depressing and I can't even bear to listen to my own sad story. Therefore, I feel lonely. It's not that people won't listen, it's just easier not to rehash the frustration.
Our Pastor spoke about our lives intersecting with God and how we feel that God speaks to us. It is probably not a surprise to anyone who has consistently read my blog that music, specifically worship music touches my heart in such a tender way. It really was the first time that I've heard it spoken that each of us meets or intersects with God in different ways and that's ok. I love song lyrics because they are usually the raw heart of emotions, fears, shortcomings and failures. Music is a safe place to reveal some of our most tender and raw feelings. I use music in so many ways, sometimes to praise God, to pray and call upon promises I know to be true, but am finding it hard to believe, asking for forgiveness and strength...it is really endless for me. I don't know why God didn't give me the gift to produce music, just to enjoy it, but I know that I definitely feel closest to God when I'm hearing the gifts that God has given others to sing, play and write things that I feel, but can't express in such an amazing way. Our 8, now 9 year old, received Toby Mac concert tickets for his recent birthday and the fact that Toby Mac mixed sweet and urban rockin' music with worship excites me beyond words!!! (http://www.winterwonderslam.com/)
by Super Chick
*Now, my #1 song on my playlist, listen as you read the lyrics!
The lights go out all around me,
One last candle to keep out the night.
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died.
And all that's left is to accept that its' over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made.
I try to keep warm, but I just grow colder.
I feel like I'm slipping away.
After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain,
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.
My whole world is the pain inside me,
The best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place?
And through I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames.
Here I am, at the end of me
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your Promise
There will be a dawn!
I went to title this song/post and then bold all the lyrics that hit me so powerfully, but I couldn't choose just one or two, I just had to highlight them all, because they so perfectly fit my heart at this moment. I realize that I hate to talk about myself with friends because I find my life to be so depressing and I can't even bear to listen to my own sad story. Therefore, I feel lonely. It's not that people won't listen, it's just easier not to rehash the frustration.
Our Pastor spoke about our lives intersecting with God and how we feel that God speaks to us. It is probably not a surprise to anyone who has consistently read my blog that music, specifically worship music touches my heart in such a tender way. It really was the first time that I've heard it spoken that each of us meets or intersects with God in different ways and that's ok. I love song lyrics because they are usually the raw heart of emotions, fears, shortcomings and failures. Music is a safe place to reveal some of our most tender and raw feelings. I use music in so many ways, sometimes to praise God, to pray and call upon promises I know to be true, but am finding it hard to believe, asking for forgiveness and strength...it is really endless for me. I don't know why God didn't give me the gift to produce music, just to enjoy it, but I know that I definitely feel closest to God when I'm hearing the gifts that God has given others to sing, play and write things that I feel, but can't express in such an amazing way. Our 8, now 9 year old, received Toby Mac concert tickets for his recent birthday and the fact that Toby Mac mixed sweet and urban rockin' music with worship excites me beyond words!!! (http://www.winterwonderslam.com/)
Monday, November 9, 2009
"I could never do that!"
Melancholy, that is a great description of my current mood. Missing the comforts of my home and my fall decorations, the anticipation of the Christmas season, sitting in my Tuscany yellow family room, feeling the warm (yet not efficient) gas fireplace, with our dog snuggled up on the brick hearth, knocks on the door, with neighbor kids calling to play, maybe a day of making cheeseburger soup and peppermint cookies with Angie, dealing with everyday struggles of kids arguing, decided on what to make for dinner (hoping today is the day the Schwan man makes his rounds), laundry piled in my downstairs bathroom waiting to be laundered, too many bathrooms to clean, and so many other nostalgic memories. Our lives seem so upside down, situations don't make sense, days seem unbearable at times, with problems we cannot solve, so we wait. I thought waiting on our 3rd child was the most difficult thing of my life, and now, it pales in comparison. It does not diminish the pain we endured trying to add to our family, or the despair I felt during the long and arduous wait for Grace, it just lends perspective. In 3rd grade math, I'm teaching about line segments. They always have an endpoint and beginning point. Human nature lends us to want a beginning and an end, it's scientific, organized, orderly, explainable, but the spiritual world is not quite as linear. Dates that I have defined as surely the continuation of my stagnate life have come and gone. As I look back on the past 9 months, it seems entirely too quick and yet, so treacherously long. The things that minister to me now are all those things that talk about God's Strength and my weakness. I can so identify with longing, striving for faith, clinging to God's Promises, the struggle of life. When I tell most people that we've lived with my mother-in-law for the past 9 months, they always responded with, "I could never do that!" Well, my answer to that is, "neither could I!" There are a great many things I couldn't have done, wouldn't have wanted to, nor ever thought I'd have to, none-the-less, here we are doing just that. Many days I feel as if I'm drowning. If you've ever experienced the struggle of trying to breathe or get to a place where you can, while in water, you know how very desperate that metaphor really is. Every fiber of your conscious and unconscious self fights to live, it's a natural thing for our bodies to fight to live, just as it is for our spirit. And my spirit has been pressed! I've felt like leaving, screaming, crying, giving up, medicating, & cursing. I certainly have not come through with much grace, however, I mercily have God's mercy! I can't say when my line with have it's proper dot, signifying the end, but I have to fervently pray that it's soon. I never thought I'd endure these trials this long, I know I couldn't, yet I still am. I don't claim to be stronger than I thought, for that is not the reason for my survival. It's God's hands that have held me when my own strength no longer could.
God, I beg for Your Strength. On my own, I cannot... I have not been particularly successful thus far in reflecting Your Love and Your Glory, but I ask for You to shine, in spite of me.
God, I beg for Your Strength. On my own, I cannot... I have not been particularly successful thus far in reflecting Your Love and Your Glory, but I ask for You to shine, in spite of me.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
A Sherriff, 3 thugs & soccer practice
These days I have such little time to think, and much less to write. However, I have to write tonight, to free my mind of our ridiculous evening. Tonight at soccer practice, I was approached by a man who came at me threatening to "put my husband," into the hospital. B had to approach a boy who took C's skateboard, last Tuesday. The boy told his father that B had pushed him down, thus he brought 2 thugs with him to beat down my husband. Fortunately, God provided a photo shoot for B to be at tonight, so he was not with us! Although we were shaken up, scared and shocked at this evenings happenings, we were able to see God's provision in keeping B away and keeping our family safe. Yes, I will be much more paranoid about keeping my kids close and sadly realizing how crazy this world is, but truth and God will prevail.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Attitude Intervention
There has been a coup, an intervention, a confronting of sorts, about my bleak attitude and outlook recently. So the 35 year old Mom and 10 year old Son are both on attitude notice for different reasons, but similarly sinful! The good thing about me is that I never seem to have it all figured out, although I'm always trying. Maybe it doesn't matter so much Why?, but What? What, as a Christ Follower, do I do when the walls around me are crashing down? My stability is no longer, relationship arrows fly at me from many directions with poisonous tips. I've been trying to use my shields to avoid and deflect, but my way is not working. I need God's Truth and Faith, both of which I'm struggling to claim. I really can only be me and pray for God's protection over my heart. I will move forward with new purpose, but fail miserably, as we all do. May God fill in the gaps where I fail and my human-nish and selfishness prevail.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Don't try harder, Trust Him more
I keep coming across the same message over and over again and I'm beginning to think that it's not coincidence?! Reading in, "The Relationship Principles of Jesus," tonight I read these lines that pierced my heart. "Jesus doesn't want you to try your hardest, Jesus wants you to learn to trust in Him. It's not a passive trust, sitting and waiting for God to act, it's a real trust, involving your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. The greatest difficulties of life offer us our greatest opportunities to trust." No matter how many times I try to tell myself these things, I always seem to get it wrong.
I've been fighting against a critical spirit and negative thoughts that I allow and then seemingly take over. I knew this wasn't right, but didn't know how to go about changing it. It was suggested that memorizing this verse and recalling it to changing your thinking would help. "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." Philippians 4:8 To be honest, I did not think that merely changing my thoughts would have any success in changing my heart. I've asked God to reveal these times to me. I was becoming focused on my inadequacy-another friend of Satan's and finding a strategy to change directions was just what I needed. This path was leading me to destructive thoughts and left me feeling powerless to them. Going back, I'm not trying harder to think nice things, but submitting my selfish mind to God to reform.
We were at the aquatic center this Summer and our friend shared with me his view that Christians were not any different than anyone else. Of course the saying, "Believers are not perfect, just forgiven," and that has always rubbed me wrong. It still seems to hold a sense of arrogance and being a believer my whole life, I struggle with arrogance and doing the "Christian" thing. While there is pride in this way of thinking, there is also a steep downside and that is huge insufficiency. How can being a Christ follower mean a difference in outward behavior, but not involve a prideful heart? I think it is more to do with submission and faith than I ever knew. God, please reveal Your Truth to me in all this!
On another note, today was the day that a company was supposed to let Brian know if they wished to pursue him, or "go a different direction." We were both wroght with anxiousness all day. Around 3:30, he got an e-mail asking him to come tomorrow to meet again, tour the company and meet the staff. After 7 months of No's, we needed a certain and firm YES, but instead we got a vague...kind-of? We are unclear about what this meeting will entail, if it will be a full job offer and what the salary and benefits will look like. We are unassuming, but hopeful that tomorrow will give us a clear knowledge if this job and company will meet the needs of our family. The good news, I've leaned heavily on God's power today. The fight in hope, trust and disappointment has been like houseguests overstaying their welcome. I can't even verbalize the feelings I have wrestled with over the months. Praying for closure to this season of unemployment and to a new road for our family.
I've been fighting against a critical spirit and negative thoughts that I allow and then seemingly take over. I knew this wasn't right, but didn't know how to go about changing it. It was suggested that memorizing this verse and recalling it to changing your thinking would help. "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." Philippians 4:8 To be honest, I did not think that merely changing my thoughts would have any success in changing my heart. I've asked God to reveal these times to me. I was becoming focused on my inadequacy-another friend of Satan's and finding a strategy to change directions was just what I needed. This path was leading me to destructive thoughts and left me feeling powerless to them. Going back, I'm not trying harder to think nice things, but submitting my selfish mind to God to reform.
We were at the aquatic center this Summer and our friend shared with me his view that Christians were not any different than anyone else. Of course the saying, "Believers are not perfect, just forgiven," and that has always rubbed me wrong. It still seems to hold a sense of arrogance and being a believer my whole life, I struggle with arrogance and doing the "Christian" thing. While there is pride in this way of thinking, there is also a steep downside and that is huge insufficiency. How can being a Christ follower mean a difference in outward behavior, but not involve a prideful heart? I think it is more to do with submission and faith than I ever knew. God, please reveal Your Truth to me in all this!
On another note, today was the day that a company was supposed to let Brian know if they wished to pursue him, or "go a different direction." We were both wroght with anxiousness all day. Around 3:30, he got an e-mail asking him to come tomorrow to meet again, tour the company and meet the staff. After 7 months of No's, we needed a certain and firm YES, but instead we got a vague...kind-of? We are unclear about what this meeting will entail, if it will be a full job offer and what the salary and benefits will look like. We are unassuming, but hopeful that tomorrow will give us a clear knowledge if this job and company will meet the needs of our family. The good news, I've leaned heavily on God's power today. The fight in hope, trust and disappointment has been like houseguests overstaying their welcome. I can't even verbalize the feelings I have wrestled with over the months. Praying for closure to this season of unemployment and to a new road for our family.
Monday, September 14, 2009
The importance of Relationship!
Cozy-up, grab some tea...I'ts Long, according to Brian:
It's been too long! I have a personal pet-peeve for blogs that don't "Blog," but in this crazy world of life, things go on regardless of if we participate...all those people who don't take their Christmas lights in a timely manner, maybe their not trying to push MY buttons, maybe their just busy?
We are encroaching upon month 7, living with my Mother-in-law, sharing space and life, living on financial means that we could barely have survived as newlyweds with no-kids. It's amazing to see how either the harshness of life has worn me down, or, I have actually succumbed to my situation. Some days it is a little of both. Things that made me about want to puke, such as, "Things could be worse...At least you have your health...etc..." now have a bit of scale and encouragement to me. As it turns out, loosing your home, your friends, church, support, financial stability, financial success for the past 15 years, dreams of how my life was supposed to look; is not the worst thing that could happen. So what has filled in the tremendous gap in all the hurt, loneliness and sorrow? Relationship! One of the first priorities once moving two states away, was to find a church home. It took us 6 weeks, which doesn't seem long, but when your lonely, struggling, raw, and hurting, it's forever! We found Lakeside Church, purely on accident, or by Godly design. Wondering if "we'd know," if it was the right one, the first time we went, our question was answered after the first service at Lakeside. It was an immediate, "Yes!" I could tell you about the amazing Worship, and Brad's gift for teaching...and it was (and is,) but we needed relationship with other believers. We signed ourselves up for a small group and began the awkward dance of going to someones house we didn't know, sitting in a circle of people, we didn't know. I was already sick of being in uncomfortable situations with groups of people I didn't know, nor it seemed, did they care to. (Yes, that is self pity and whining) The next few weeks at group are a bit of a blur. For sure not an immediate bond, but when people are craving and needing relationship, something happens. We all seemed to be in a similar place, experiencing loneliness, struggles and just wanting a soft place to be ourselves. Fast forward 5 months, we have intimate, supportive friends who we spend a great deal of time with each week! Just like many things in life, this did not just happen, but it required work, effort, vulnerability and time.
What prompts me to share this tonight? We are beginning a new study at Lakeside, called "40 Days of Love," by Rick Warren and Tom Holladay. As I begin my daily readings, I smile because I have experienced this type of relationship in many places, with my husband, my kids, my family and especially with friends who are there for me on the good days and the bad. The friends who were just as excited as I was when I first got up on the wake board this summer, the friend who diligently prayed for me after I shared how deep of a hole I was in my relationship with Brian and miraculously, it was healed that night! Friends who have prayed whole-heartedly for a job for us and encouraged us and continue to have faith, even when we are suffering disappointment. These people are priceless and essential to my new outlook on my life.
Here's some quotes from our study guide, "The Relationship Principles of Jesus," that particularily struck me. "There is a difference between what we think we should value and what we truly value." "Jesus teaches us that competing values cannot coexist." "When you boil it all down, questions about priorities are questions about faith. If I have faith that God will care for me, it frees me to live with a certain set of priorities." Without thinking that we have it all figured out, or seeming self-righteous, this is something we've chosen to claim over the past months as we search for jobs. There have been events and ministry opportunities that have taken away from daily job searching and we have had to be intentional of giving God our trust that He will make up the difference of our energy and time when we give of ourselves to Him. I am realizing that God is only going to fulfill this employment gap when/if He does it in a way that He will be glorified. It is not about how many jobs, Brian logs into each day, how many connections we make, but how God can be glorified in the most magnificent and unlikely way! Brian and I both are doers, I am first-born, actually, an Only...and Brian is a first-born, we like to be busy, be organized, self-sufficient, productive, appreciated and excel in what we do. We love to look back on our hard work and gleam with pride. This is not about that! It is a hard lesson for us and we are slow to get it. There is not much more difficulty for strong , hard working people than to not be able to muscle your way through life. We've been doing a lot of treading water. It's tiring, not very effective and produces no forward motion. It's time to back float and give up control, rest and allow ourselves to be rescued by Our Savior!
One thing I'm noticing is that the relationship building in our family has happened very slowly over the past 7 months. We have had such tremendous stresses that there's been a lot of bad behavior, (adults included) but until recently, I hadn't seen any true strength built. If it was my choice, this battle would have been done by now. I would have missed this happiness I never knew there was. Contentment in crisis. We began home schooling our middle son and I can truly say that the past month of home schooling has been the best I've had with our relationship. I know him in a way, I've never known before. We have inside jokes, can relate in many ways and my patience for him has increased, while his need for attention getting behavior has decreased. Although it requires a great deal of my time and energy, it was required to better our family. It was explained by another home schooling Mom that we must do what is best for our family and sometimes that means giving the needs extra attention to the one. It really is best for the whole, even when others must sacrifice some time. This is so true! Sometimes we just need a little more attention and splitting attention equally and fairly is not what's right. Carter told me a few days ago, "Mom, I love this school," after coming home from the Core class at the Charter school. I carefully asked if he was referring to the class time, or to home schooling in general? He said, "I want to home school next year!" My mother heart sang for joy in this HUGE compliment from a skeptical and withholding 8 year old. ("Let's not get carried away," I thought to myself! {after all, I'm only human})
It's been too long! I have a personal pet-peeve for blogs that don't "Blog," but in this crazy world of life, things go on regardless of if we participate...all those people who don't take their Christmas lights in a timely manner, maybe their not trying to push MY buttons, maybe their just busy?
We are encroaching upon month 7, living with my Mother-in-law, sharing space and life, living on financial means that we could barely have survived as newlyweds with no-kids. It's amazing to see how either the harshness of life has worn me down, or, I have actually succumbed to my situation. Some days it is a little of both. Things that made me about want to puke, such as, "Things could be worse...At least you have your health...etc..." now have a bit of scale and encouragement to me. As it turns out, loosing your home, your friends, church, support, financial stability, financial success for the past 15 years, dreams of how my life was supposed to look; is not the worst thing that could happen. So what has filled in the tremendous gap in all the hurt, loneliness and sorrow? Relationship! One of the first priorities once moving two states away, was to find a church home. It took us 6 weeks, which doesn't seem long, but when your lonely, struggling, raw, and hurting, it's forever! We found Lakeside Church, purely on accident, or by Godly design. Wondering if "we'd know," if it was the right one, the first time we went, our question was answered after the first service at Lakeside. It was an immediate, "Yes!" I could tell you about the amazing Worship, and Brad's gift for teaching...and it was (and is,) but we needed relationship with other believers. We signed ourselves up for a small group and began the awkward dance of going to someones house we didn't know, sitting in a circle of people, we didn't know. I was already sick of being in uncomfortable situations with groups of people I didn't know, nor it seemed, did they care to. (Yes, that is self pity and whining) The next few weeks at group are a bit of a blur. For sure not an immediate bond, but when people are craving and needing relationship, something happens. We all seemed to be in a similar place, experiencing loneliness, struggles and just wanting a soft place to be ourselves. Fast forward 5 months, we have intimate, supportive friends who we spend a great deal of time with each week! Just like many things in life, this did not just happen, but it required work, effort, vulnerability and time.
What prompts me to share this tonight? We are beginning a new study at Lakeside, called "40 Days of Love," by Rick Warren and Tom Holladay. As I begin my daily readings, I smile because I have experienced this type of relationship in many places, with my husband, my kids, my family and especially with friends who are there for me on the good days and the bad. The friends who were just as excited as I was when I first got up on the wake board this summer, the friend who diligently prayed for me after I shared how deep of a hole I was in my relationship with Brian and miraculously, it was healed that night! Friends who have prayed whole-heartedly for a job for us and encouraged us and continue to have faith, even when we are suffering disappointment. These people are priceless and essential to my new outlook on my life.
Here's some quotes from our study guide, "The Relationship Principles of Jesus," that particularily struck me. "There is a difference between what we think we should value and what we truly value." "Jesus teaches us that competing values cannot coexist." "When you boil it all down, questions about priorities are questions about faith. If I have faith that God will care for me, it frees me to live with a certain set of priorities." Without thinking that we have it all figured out, or seeming self-righteous, this is something we've chosen to claim over the past months as we search for jobs. There have been events and ministry opportunities that have taken away from daily job searching and we have had to be intentional of giving God our trust that He will make up the difference of our energy and time when we give of ourselves to Him. I am realizing that God is only going to fulfill this employment gap when/if He does it in a way that He will be glorified. It is not about how many jobs, Brian logs into each day, how many connections we make, but how God can be glorified in the most magnificent and unlikely way! Brian and I both are doers, I am first-born, actually, an Only...and Brian is a first-born, we like to be busy, be organized, self-sufficient, productive, appreciated and excel in what we do. We love to look back on our hard work and gleam with pride. This is not about that! It is a hard lesson for us and we are slow to get it. There is not much more difficulty for strong , hard working people than to not be able to muscle your way through life. We've been doing a lot of treading water. It's tiring, not very effective and produces no forward motion. It's time to back float and give up control, rest and allow ourselves to be rescued by Our Savior!
One thing I'm noticing is that the relationship building in our family has happened very slowly over the past 7 months. We have had such tremendous stresses that there's been a lot of bad behavior, (adults included) but until recently, I hadn't seen any true strength built. If it was my choice, this battle would have been done by now. I would have missed this happiness I never knew there was. Contentment in crisis. We began home schooling our middle son and I can truly say that the past month of home schooling has been the best I've had with our relationship. I know him in a way, I've never known before. We have inside jokes, can relate in many ways and my patience for him has increased, while his need for attention getting behavior has decreased. Although it requires a great deal of my time and energy, it was required to better our family. It was explained by another home schooling Mom that we must do what is best for our family and sometimes that means giving the needs extra attention to the one. It really is best for the whole, even when others must sacrifice some time. This is so true! Sometimes we just need a little more attention and splitting attention equally and fairly is not what's right. Carter told me a few days ago, "Mom, I love this school," after coming home from the Core class at the Charter school. I carefully asked if he was referring to the class time, or to home schooling in general? He said, "I want to home school next year!" My mother heart sang for joy in this HUGE compliment from a skeptical and withholding 8 year old. ("Let's not get carried away," I thought to myself! {after all, I'm only human})
Monday, August 17, 2009
Knee deep in curriculum
Four days into home schooling and I'm starting to get familiar with the curriculum and find my way through the thick stack of readers, teacher editions and practice workbooks. I went to a training class on the language arts curriculum and found it to be a relief to see other mom's fumbling there way through, and teachers who are tremendously supportive and encouraging of a home schooling environment.
As for the emotional side of things, I am battling hope vs. despair. Brian has an interview on Wednesday morning and the actual prospect of a job causes the hope to rise. It is scary to see an end to our dependence upon family to survive and then possibly see that light slip through our hands, once again. I am wrought with emotional conflict; wanting to remain steady, not too hopeful, yet positive, faithful, but not assuming. It is so much to balance, especially upon the heavy load of kids, school, friends, my relationship with The Lord, life, taking care of myself, laundry etc...
I have been trying to find a fit for my passions, in ministry, and it so happens that Amber, a good friend of mine, needed help with the missions emphasis weeks coming up. Friday, I was able to assist in stuffing packets, hanging signs (girls don't do zip ties very well), and moral support in preparing for this big push of missions at Lakeside. It truly feels good to give of myself and time and participate in something my heart is passionate about. As Grace's "Gotcha Day" quickly approaches, we looked through her photo-book, and I think back to the amazing experience we had in getting Grace. I am so grateful to China for the gift of my daughter. I has forever changed me and left am imprint on my heart. I look forward to what the future will bring with regards to China and our family.
As for the emotional side of things, I am battling hope vs. despair. Brian has an interview on Wednesday morning and the actual prospect of a job causes the hope to rise. It is scary to see an end to our dependence upon family to survive and then possibly see that light slip through our hands, once again. I am wrought with emotional conflict; wanting to remain steady, not too hopeful, yet positive, faithful, but not assuming. It is so much to balance, especially upon the heavy load of kids, school, friends, my relationship with The Lord, life, taking care of myself, laundry etc...
I have been trying to find a fit for my passions, in ministry, and it so happens that Amber, a good friend of mine, needed help with the missions emphasis weeks coming up. Friday, I was able to assist in stuffing packets, hanging signs (girls don't do zip ties very well), and moral support in preparing for this big push of missions at Lakeside. It truly feels good to give of myself and time and participate in something my heart is passionate about. As Grace's "Gotcha Day" quickly approaches, we looked through her photo-book, and I think back to the amazing experience we had in getting Grace. I am so grateful to China for the gift of my daughter. I has forever changed me and left am imprint on my heart. I look forward to what the future will bring with regards to China and our family.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Me, homeschooling?
I am officially a homeschooling Mom! Yes, I am one of those moms who you wonder how they can do it(and say you never could) who's kids you suspect are weird and socially awkward, or neurotic, or overly religious, or granola, or whatever you think of when you think of when you think of "homeschooling." My reason, a very personal choice, was made with the utmost consideration for what I truly feel is best, in my heart, for my son. Trust me, I've run through all the scenarios and believe that a Charter School/Independent Study will be what will enable him to be the most successful, for at least, now. A Charter School is a publicly funded program for families who wish to be more involved in their children's education. All the resources are provided with no cost to the family (I have an enormous stack of Teacher edition & workbooks), a teacher is assigned to meet with us every-other week & science is taught 2 days a week by an educator, in a traditional setting.
I won't go into what led us to this place because it is my son's to share when and if he wants, but essentially, although he is an intelligent & articulate child, he struggles with impulse control. When an idea is brought forward, he jumps in head first and is not able to predict the consequences that may ensue. This is a normal "problem" for children and teenagers and with all the stress of our family situation, a new school, new location etc....it has placed him in a difficult predicament. We feel it is most important for him to enjoy school, encourage positive peer relationships and be successful and just as when we place ourselves in tempting situations we are more likely to fail, so it is with our precious child. I know that homeschooling vs. public school vs. private school is a hot topic that most parents feel passionately one way or another. I always said, "I'd home school if I had too, but I don't want too." But, now is that time, for us. I hope it's temporary, but to be honest, I don't know. It'd be nice to send him off and have 6 hours of more freedom, but as a Mom, I have to and want to do what's best for our children and our family.
I won't go into what led us to this place because it is my son's to share when and if he wants, but essentially, although he is an intelligent & articulate child, he struggles with impulse control. When an idea is brought forward, he jumps in head first and is not able to predict the consequences that may ensue. This is a normal "problem" for children and teenagers and with all the stress of our family situation, a new school, new location etc....it has placed him in a difficult predicament. We feel it is most important for him to enjoy school, encourage positive peer relationships and be successful and just as when we place ourselves in tempting situations we are more likely to fail, so it is with our precious child. I know that homeschooling vs. public school vs. private school is a hot topic that most parents feel passionately one way or another. I always said, "I'd home school if I had too, but I don't want too." But, now is that time, for us. I hope it's temporary, but to be honest, I don't know. It'd be nice to send him off and have 6 hours of more freedom, but as a Mom, I have to and want to do what's best for our children and our family.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Leadership Summit 2009
The Leadership Summit http://www.willowcreek.com/events/leadership/2009/was this week and since Brian & our good friend, Tony, volunteered, they got to sit in on portions of the simulcast when they were not serving. One of the speakers was Dr. Wess Stafford, who gave an impactful testimony, that Tony shared with us, during their lunch break. It had moved him extremely deeply and it therefore, also impacted me. It was the one speaker that gave each attender a book and so today, when I had finished the last of "19 Minutes," by Jodi Picoult, and needed something new to entertain myself, I choose his book, "Too Small to Ignore." I quickly read about 40 pages and not only is he an incredible story teller, he has an amazing story to share! Here are a few of the impactful quotes and thoughts that have provoked me to ponder.
He begins the book with this story: D.L. Moody, arrived home from speaking at a meeting. His wife asked, "So how did it go tonight?" "Pretty well," he replied. "Two and a half converts." "That's sweet, " she replied. "How old was the child?" "No, no, no," Moody answered. "It was two children and one adult! The children have their whole lives in front of them. The adult's life is already half gone."
Dr. Stafford's premise is that we need to do more for the children of this world. He gives statistics of the number of starving children who die a day (30,000 under age 5 a day!), how 2/3 of all people who give their lives to Christ do so before the age of 18, how he believes that there is a spiritual warfare that exists in the battle over children, and how little most churches' budget is dedicated to children programs. This certainly convicts my views of missions and where the emphasis should be.
He begins the book with this story: D.L. Moody, arrived home from speaking at a meeting. His wife asked, "So how did it go tonight?" "Pretty well," he replied. "Two and a half converts." "That's sweet, " she replied. "How old was the child?" "No, no, no," Moody answered. "It was two children and one adult! The children have their whole lives in front of them. The adult's life is already half gone."
Dr. Stafford's premise is that we need to do more for the children of this world. He gives statistics of the number of starving children who die a day (30,000 under age 5 a day!), how 2/3 of all people who give their lives to Christ do so before the age of 18, how he believes that there is a spiritual warfare that exists in the battle over children, and how little most churches' budget is dedicated to children programs. This certainly convicts my views of missions and where the emphasis should be.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Meanwhile we groan...
"Meanwhile we groan..." 2 Corinthians 5:2 Week 2 of the "Meanwhile Series," at Lakeside: #1) "Life is not yet what it will sometime be..." #2) "Life is not what it once was..." And thus, Fear begins to take flight and "color who we are," stated Pastor Brad. We looked at 2Corinth. 8:7-15 and discussed how the church had offered so much, their generosity had blessed so many. vs 2 "they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability." And then, they succumbed to fear. I have talked and pondered so much about what this time has been and is for me; this time in the desert. I have on several occasions, given the excuse that I just don't have it to offer. It being, friendship, energy, cheer, joy, hope. I have succumbed to fear that has paralyzed me, just as Paul is talking about. Brad explains fear as a "de-motivator." He states, "Fear begins to overwhelm our best intentions, thinking if I help you, it will hurt me." Our Lord wants us to #1) Know & Believe His Heart 2) Know & Believe His Power & 3) Know & Believe God's Promises
How many things have I backed away from , believing I am not able? So many come to mind, relationships, ministry opportunities, choosing to be a blessing and support to my husband...a few that quickly fill my mind. This thing I have called depression, sadness, hurt, life-sucks, is now being revealed to me as FEAR. Who loves fear? Satan! What does God say about fear? "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." I John 4:18 How do I mesh this all together? With Fear and Punishment seemingly close bedfellows, I almost have to assume that my reservations and outright refusals intertwine with both fear and punishment. Is it fear of punishment, punishing myself for what I feel is inevitably my fault somehow, fear of failure, of thinking my success in life keeps the fears of failure from being discovered. The things that I have been struggling with this week as the tapes that I play in my head to myself. My very favorite is: "I am not good enough." I think it starts out that it is revealed to me that someone else thinks I'm not good enough and then brings it sutler to my attention that I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or able to manage life and its ebbs and flows on my own. That I am in need of a personal manager to direct my each step. This somehow is shameful to me and reflects on my life and speaks to my value, rather than listening to God's Truth about me and knowing about myself, that I am a strong, intelligent, caring person who God directly put me into this place and time to oversee, knowing I'd be just the right one for the job! Just like my face book flair that states: I don't have a short attention span, I just.....Oh look, A Kitty!!
In this Meanwhile life that so many of us are experiencing due to life, love, jobs, lack of jobs, loosing our houses and equity, loosing our certainty in the future, the hope of finding a good job, sickness, children we keep looking back and placing hope in what it once was. This is a New Season and will bring maybe a few of the crops that randomly reappear in a garden, but mainly the work must begin on cleaning, de-rocking, fertilizing, sewing, watering and regarding against forces that with to devour them. This is still not as clear to me as what I had hoped, but I feel God's guiding me down a path to find God's heart revealed. Ultimately, Brad challenged us to Live Generously, even when the road gets tough. I think I'll have to come back to this to refine this post, it seems very : EVERYWHERE?!
How many things have I backed away from , believing I am not able? So many come to mind, relationships, ministry opportunities, choosing to be a blessing and support to my husband...a few that quickly fill my mind. This thing I have called depression, sadness, hurt, life-sucks, is now being revealed to me as FEAR. Who loves fear? Satan! What does God say about fear? "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." I John 4:18 How do I mesh this all together? With Fear and Punishment seemingly close bedfellows, I almost have to assume that my reservations and outright refusals intertwine with both fear and punishment. Is it fear of punishment, punishing myself for what I feel is inevitably my fault somehow, fear of failure, of thinking my success in life keeps the fears of failure from being discovered. The things that I have been struggling with this week as the tapes that I play in my head to myself. My very favorite is: "I am not good enough." I think it starts out that it is revealed to me that someone else thinks I'm not good enough and then brings it sutler to my attention that I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or able to manage life and its ebbs and flows on my own. That I am in need of a personal manager to direct my each step. This somehow is shameful to me and reflects on my life and speaks to my value, rather than listening to God's Truth about me and knowing about myself, that I am a strong, intelligent, caring person who God directly put me into this place and time to oversee, knowing I'd be just the right one for the job! Just like my face book flair that states: I don't have a short attention span, I just.....Oh look, A Kitty!!
In this Meanwhile life that so many of us are experiencing due to life, love, jobs, lack of jobs, loosing our houses and equity, loosing our certainty in the future, the hope of finding a good job, sickness, children we keep looking back and placing hope in what it once was. This is a New Season and will bring maybe a few of the crops that randomly reappear in a garden, but mainly the work must begin on cleaning, de-rocking, fertilizing, sewing, watering and regarding against forces that with to devour them. This is still not as clear to me as what I had hoped, but I feel God's guiding me down a path to find God's heart revealed. Ultimately, Brad challenged us to Live Generously, even when the road gets tough. I think I'll have to come back to this to refine this post, it seems very : EVERYWHERE?!
SCORE: Scott Family - 1 Skunk - 1
Last night, after a lovely evening of studying Isaiah with our Homegroup, a bit of wine, cheese and of course, conversation, we staggered into home around 11:30, exhausted from the day. We are greeted with the notice that our 3 1/2 year old Boston Terrier, Cyrus, has had a run-in with a skunk....AND LOST! We cannot say with 100% certainty that it was the same skunk that Jonah, recently, trapped and humiliated, but she/he most definitely had motive and opportunity and his/her name to avenge! So, well done, my skunk friend!
SCORE: Scott Family - 1 Skunk - 1
Friday, June 26, 2009
"Nothing moves the world like a loving church" -Brad Franklin
I'll give you the short version of our life predicament: Went to PHF (a Special Needs Orphanage in China), met Mei Mei-Tiffany, Grady, Gregg, Elijah & many others, but those were the kids that truly left a lasting impression on our hearts. The kind that forces you into motion, not just to dream. We truly felt God was calling us to pursue adoption again, only this time for one of these SN kids, putting our hearts on the line in a totally new way, accepting that hurt would most likely emanate. After wrestling, heartache and prayer, we felt prompted to move forward with Mei Mei. We began researching and found that she indeed may be adoptable...THEN, my husband lost his job and our sole income. We have since, lost our house, moved 2 states and are living with MIL, no job prospects, living completely by faith, as we have nothing else to rely upon, but frustrated that God's timing is not ours. (I know we're not alone in this!) These children haunt me, but I am helpless to change their circumstances. In the midst of this, we have felt a calling to look into full-time ministry in China and are in the beginning stages of researching organizations and looking into what our specific needs as a family would be and what organization matches our passion for China along with the details and unique support we'd need to succeed as a family in another country and culture, so different from our own. As I have mentioned previously, we met a family who has committed themselves to being long-term missionaries in Argentina. They are Phil & Wendy and little Isabella Perez. http://web.mac.com/philandwendy/Site/Home_Page.html They invited us over for dinner this past week and knowing that they are many steps ahead of us in this call to missions, we took full opportunity to grill them with tough questions. Not only were they happy to share their journey with us, but with such grace and beauty, began to talk us through some of the difficult issues a family has to address and overcome when deciding to give up a "normal" lifestyle and live out of the calling that God is pressing on you. We talked about passion, financial aspects, grieving the loss of your home and the familiar, being confident in what you will need to succeed, training, what others' may say or think of your decisions, walking in faith that your financial needs will be met, health care in another country, that not everyone understands, education for your children...so many different things that are involved. Phil & Wendy are both passionate about College Campus ministry and have partnered with the Navigators outreach group to work at The University of La Plata to begin implementing ministry for the 100,000 students attending this University. Just as our eyes light up when we begin talking about China, their eyes sparkle when they get to share about this opportunity in Argentina. Please share in praying for them and if God ignites a spark to financially partner with them in this ministry please contact them directly through their website, or I can direct you into finding out more! 
We are especially thankful for the new relationships that we are experiencing and although these past weeks have been a huge trial, we have also had such blessing. We finished up with Lakeside's (http://www.lakesidechurch.org/) "BLiTZ" or their version of VBS, this week! I honestly have not experienced such exhaustion, but as when our kids were infants! Four Days of 940+ kids, worship, crafts, bounce-house/water & story times that were amazingly created by the hundreds of volunteers made this week a success in fun, but also in representing God to the Folsom community. Brian was lead photographer for this event and was pushed physically, emotionally and professionally, while I was merely responsible for 7-5th grade boys and 2-5th grade girls. Here is my humble group: Gretchen, Carson, Nnambi, Ryan, Mitchell, co-leader Conner, Cameron, Cami, Eliza & Christopher. (Spenser was MIA) One of our pastor's recently shared that not many things can compare with the Love of Christ followers on a mission. (His quote was: "Nothing moves the world like a loving church." Brad Franklin) It is life changing, and this week is nothing short of that Truth. What else could/would motivate 500+ volunteers to give of themselves for no financial gain, other than to serve The Lord? When God's people move, the world or community, feels it and we were honored to be a small part of such an enormous project!
We are especially thankful for the new relationships that we are experiencing and although these past weeks have been a huge trial, we have also had such blessing. We finished up with Lakeside's (http://www.lakesidechurch.org/) "BLiTZ" or their version of VBS, this week! I honestly have not experienced such exhaustion, but as when our kids were infants! Four Days of 940+ kids, worship, crafts, bounce-house/water & story times that were amazingly created by the hundreds of volunteers made this week a success in fun, but also in representing God to the Folsom community. Brian was lead photographer for this event and was pushed physically, emotionally and professionally, while I was merely responsible for 7-5th grade boys and 2-5th grade girls. Here is my humble group: Gretchen, Carson, Nnambi, Ryan, Mitchell, co-leader Conner, Cameron, Cami, Eliza & Christopher. (Spenser was MIA) One of our pastor's recently shared that not many things can compare with the Love of Christ followers on a mission. (His quote was: "Nothing moves the world like a loving church." Brad Franklin) It is life changing, and this week is nothing short of that Truth. What else could/would motivate 500+ volunteers to give of themselves for no financial gain, other than to serve The Lord? When God's people move, the world or community, feels it and we were honored to be a small part of such an enormous project!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Meanwhile....
Sunday, we had the pleasure of hearing Libby Vincent speak at Lakeside Church. Her message title was "MEANWHILE...."
2 Corinthians 4:16-5:10 (New International Version)
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 5
1Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, 3because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
6Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. 7We live by faith, not by sight.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for a certain of what we do not see.
These words, guarantee and certain are ideas that seem so abstract to me. Hearing and seeing these promises in God's Word are reason for hope! Each time I find something in the Bible that meets me just where I am, I seem surprised? How can God know me this well? Even the humbling-grumbling I do? I'm assured that I do not have the market on these struggles. I keep finding reasons for hope, but I'm having a hard time feeling confident in hope. I think that if I really could claim hope, my attitude would be in a better place. My perspective would reflect this assured hope and knowing it's only temporary would somehow make it easier to endure. Libby talked about showing ourselves grace and that some days, the fact that "We just show up," reveals our faith. Sometimes the ideals that the Church seems to sell is this unrealistic joy. In Ecclesiastes 3:4 there is... "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Living fully in the heart that God has given us ensures disappointments. I struggle living in my emotional reality and faking a joy that really isn't there because it's what a "good christian woman" would have. The truth is, I am heartbroken. The life I knew and loved has faded away. I innately respond like a cat does when you get the idea to give it a bath. There is a lot of stiff legs, claws come out, a screaming sound you've never quite heard before pierces your ears and even if you successfully bathe it, there's many marks to remind you it may not be a good idea to repeat. I'm trying to relax, but it not a natural state. It's like when I've gotten a massage and the entire time, I'm thinking..."RELAX, RELAX, RELAX!" My reaction is to tense and fold in, like so many creatures, I want to protect, and self-preserve. God is challenging me to let Him be my protector, reserve my strength for the upcoming job, not panic and gasp for air, but float!
2 Corinthians 4:16-5:10 (New International Version)
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 5
1Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, 3because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
6Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. 7We live by faith, not by sight.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for a certain of what we do not see.
These words, guarantee and certain are ideas that seem so abstract to me. Hearing and seeing these promises in God's Word are reason for hope! Each time I find something in the Bible that meets me just where I am, I seem surprised? How can God know me this well? Even the humbling-grumbling I do? I'm assured that I do not have the market on these struggles. I keep finding reasons for hope, but I'm having a hard time feeling confident in hope. I think that if I really could claim hope, my attitude would be in a better place. My perspective would reflect this assured hope and knowing it's only temporary would somehow make it easier to endure. Libby talked about showing ourselves grace and that some days, the fact that "We just show up," reveals our faith. Sometimes the ideals that the Church seems to sell is this unrealistic joy. In Ecclesiastes 3:4 there is... "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Living fully in the heart that God has given us ensures disappointments. I struggle living in my emotional reality and faking a joy that really isn't there because it's what a "good christian woman" would have. The truth is, I am heartbroken. The life I knew and loved has faded away. I innately respond like a cat does when you get the idea to give it a bath. There is a lot of stiff legs, claws come out, a screaming sound you've never quite heard before pierces your ears and even if you successfully bathe it, there's many marks to remind you it may not be a good idea to repeat. I'm trying to relax, but it not a natural state. It's like when I've gotten a massage and the entire time, I'm thinking..."RELAX, RELAX, RELAX!" My reaction is to tense and fold in, like so many creatures, I want to protect, and self-preserve. God is challenging me to let Him be my protector, reserve my strength for the upcoming job, not panic and gasp for air, but float!
Friday, June 5, 2009
God's answer to my heartbreak~
This week has been an incredibly difficult one for me. As we are approaching the 4 month mark, here in California and still no job in sight, my hope is fading. It is so difficult not seeing the end of this treacherous road, every turn, it seems the finish line might be around the bend, but it never comes. I know when we get through this I'll look back at myself with disdain for not having more faith, but hindsight always reveals the truth we cannot see in the moment. I am struggling to keep my emotions in check and not let them rule me. I am not having much success! As I was in the car alone a few days ago, I called out to God, begging for relief. It is not always that I feel such a direct Word from God, but I could hear this song playing as my heart broke and I let it out to God. He answered: "Why are you still searching? As if I'm not enough? To where will you go child, Tell me where will you run? To where will you run? Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you."
Click on my playlist, song #1 to listen!
"By Your Side"
by Tenth Avenue North
From the album Over And Underneath
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child,
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
Chorus:
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands, at my side
They swallowed the grave, on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
Chorus:
Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
Click on my playlist, song #1 to listen!
"By Your Side"
by Tenth Avenue North
From the album Over And Underneath
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child,
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
Chorus:
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands, at my side
They swallowed the grave, on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
Chorus:
Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
Pepe Le PEW!
So last night, our 10 year old son created a trap to catch kittens...his philosophy on why one of Grammie's cats disappeared (to have babies). Instead, he managed to actually catch a skunk! He was thrilled and it was huge excitement for our family as we laughed over his homemade trap of boxes and a stick that would fall when hit. So tonight, with Dad home, we hoped to catch a repeat on film. Instead of the skunk knocking the stick, Jonah pulled the string tied to the stick, which made the flap close and capture him. I think he suspected foul play and left a little gift of his own, so now all we can smell is skunk pew, pew and potpourri, trying to cover the skunk odor! Lesson learned!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Perception Heightened & We are the body
A few gifts from yesterday to share: As we headed to the Library to pick up a few books, as we were leaving, a woman asked if our daughter was from China. Some adoptive families tend to like to keep to themselves, but we love to share our journey, so we excitedly answered, Yes! She quickly shared with us that they were in the waiting stage for their daughter in China, who was named, Ruby. I sat down immediately, because the memory is so fresh, of the arduous wait and how I longed to touch just a piece of China and adoption to make it all seem real. I relate it to the the familiar scents that bring a memory or person feel within reach, when they are not. We used to go to our favorite Chinese restuarant, King Yen, in Spokane, to taste, smell and maybe even catch a glimpse of a Chinese child. She began to share their story, a 4-year process and wait, a hope, currently unfulfilled. One thing that brings slight consolation to a mourning empty-armed Mom and that is empathy. So many offered it to me and I love to share the hope that is and will come. Not only did this sister in China adoption know the Lord, she also shared the love and profession of photography with us. She stated several times, as did we think, "This was no coincidence meeting, but a divine appointment."
Maybe it's because I'm able to see and am looking, but I've noticed so many small blessings, "kisses from God," over the past months. When your in a desperate place, a sensativity for hope and promises become a perception that is heightened. The small things seem to have so much more meaning to me right now.
We met a family in our LifeGroup, who are on the path, as missonaries to Argentina. They are Phil & Wendy Perez and they have such an amazing heart for missions. You can learn more about them and their calling to GO at: http://web.mac.com/philandwendy/Site/Home_Page.html. It takes the whole body, each individual part.
"We Are The Body" ~ (Song #12 on my playlist)
by Casting Crowns
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
Trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat
And quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances tells him that his chances
Are better out on the road
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ
Romans 12: 4 - 8
by: God
4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
Please consider devoting something for eternity to Phil & Wendy and the people of Argentina.
Maybe it's because I'm able to see and am looking, but I've noticed so many small blessings, "kisses from God," over the past months. When your in a desperate place, a sensativity for hope and promises become a perception that is heightened. The small things seem to have so much more meaning to me right now.
We met a family in our LifeGroup, who are on the path, as missonaries to Argentina. They are Phil & Wendy Perez and they have such an amazing heart for missions. You can learn more about them and their calling to GO at: http://web.mac.com/philandwendy/Site/Home_Page.html. It takes the whole body, each individual part.
"We Are The Body" ~ (Song #12 on my playlist)
by Casting Crowns
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
Trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat
And quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances tells him that his chances
Are better out on the road
Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ
Romans 12: 4 - 8
by: God
4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
Please consider devoting something for eternity to Phil & Wendy and the people of Argentina.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Books and Quotes!
It's a good day! After moving in with family, we've had very few things that we've been able to keep with us. I located my one box of favorite books that I knew I could not part with, and got to open them today! More and more, I realize that books are a treasure that I cannot live without! My books are a journal and story of the things that I was learning or found remarkable during the different seasons of my life. I pulled out an old favorite, "The Purpose Driven Life," by Rick Warren and was flipping through some chapters and am quickly reminded why it was so life-altering the first time I read it. Here are a few quotes that jumped out at me:
1) "You'll never know that God is all you need until God is all you've got." This statement I can completely identify with! I have been thinking back to the day when the floor dropped out from under me, once we got here. I can not even describe in words how hopeless and wrong it felt to be in a place that I was alone and under fire. I've never experienced not being able to hold myself up and not being able to control sadness. Over my life, I've had my share of hurt that seeped out as anger. I've rarely allowed hurt to be displayed as hurt. It is too scary, too unsafe and vulnerable, so I hide it away, or so I think. It's kind of like the cartoons where the guy tries to plug the holes where water is spilling out, but only finds that you don't have enough fingers to plug them all. Emotions spill out regardless of how we attempt to control them.
2) "When we're in pain, we don't have the energy for superficial prayers." In one of my earlier journals, I put a quote from Kate Goselin about listening to other women talk about insignificant things in life and not being able to identify, or care, about such trivial stuff. I have encountered this also. Things happen around me and I want to scream....I'M ON FIRE HERE!! CAN NO ONE SEE THIS! Not that I need attention, just that as my life is upside-down, things have not necessarily changed for everyone else. Ultimately my perspective is primarily based on necessity and need right now, and I get that this is about my growth, character building & priorities.
3) "Your focus will determine your feelings." Well, I am beginning to hear this, I wouldn't even go as far as to say, I'm learning it yet!
And 4) "The situations that will stretch your faith most will be those times when life falls apart and God is nowhere to be found. When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust him in spite of your feelings, you worship Him in the deepest way." This is the good news! It becomes easy to be critical of myself and think, that my frustrations with our circumstances (and thus God, for He is in control) equal unfaithfulness. I do trust you God, please take my anger and attitude and refine me into a beautiful silver that reflects you.
1) "You'll never know that God is all you need until God is all you've got." This statement I can completely identify with! I have been thinking back to the day when the floor dropped out from under me, once we got here. I can not even describe in words how hopeless and wrong it felt to be in a place that I was alone and under fire. I've never experienced not being able to hold myself up and not being able to control sadness. Over my life, I've had my share of hurt that seeped out as anger. I've rarely allowed hurt to be displayed as hurt. It is too scary, too unsafe and vulnerable, so I hide it away, or so I think. It's kind of like the cartoons where the guy tries to plug the holes where water is spilling out, but only finds that you don't have enough fingers to plug them all. Emotions spill out regardless of how we attempt to control them.
2) "When we're in pain, we don't have the energy for superficial prayers." In one of my earlier journals, I put a quote from Kate Goselin about listening to other women talk about insignificant things in life and not being able to identify, or care, about such trivial stuff. I have encountered this also. Things happen around me and I want to scream....I'M ON FIRE HERE!! CAN NO ONE SEE THIS! Not that I need attention, just that as my life is upside-down, things have not necessarily changed for everyone else. Ultimately my perspective is primarily based on necessity and need right now, and I get that this is about my growth, character building & priorities.
3) "Your focus will determine your feelings." Well, I am beginning to hear this, I wouldn't even go as far as to say, I'm learning it yet!
And 4) "The situations that will stretch your faith most will be those times when life falls apart and God is nowhere to be found. When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust him in spite of your feelings, you worship Him in the deepest way." This is the good news! It becomes easy to be critical of myself and think, that my frustrations with our circumstances (and thus God, for He is in control) equal unfaithfulness. I do trust you God, please take my anger and attitude and refine me into a beautiful silver that reflects you.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
A line to ponder:
"You may not live long enough to sit in the shade of the seed you plant." I heard a variation of this stated on our local christian radio station yesterday and I tried to remember it because it struck me as being so very true. If I don't write it down, it'll be another victim to random quotes in my brain.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Strangely Confident?!
...this is the theme of Angie and my's accountability morning! There are times that we receive clarity and instruction and then, there's the rest of our lives! To say the least, we've been in a trial above all others. After a conversation with my sweet Angie last week, I was challenged to pursue a passion that has been erupting for the past few years. B and I had a conversation that surprised me and I realized that we were both in a place to begin taking a giant leap of faith. I do not feel confirmed in sharing this road as of yet, as God is asking us to place this at His feet, not run ahead & not take over the reigns. Patience is always that nasty lesson that is torturous in life. I got my huge dose of patient-learning when we made the decision to begin trying for our 3rd child. Fertility is not something that runs in my family (I am an only child) and we had to utilize fertility drugs to become pregnant with our firstborn and trying for #3 was more of the agony that we'd endured, only worse. This time, Clomid was not helping encourage my body to listen to the hormonal responses that needed in order to occur to conceive. We moved forward in the fertility regimen, beginning with injections, blood draws, & Ultrasounds. Things can only move so quickly when your dealing with the body and this becomes painfully apparent when ones body is not cooperating. Each month ended with discouragement, pain, frustration, anger, sadness and questioning. After we decided not to pursue further fertility treatments, I knew I wanted to add to our family and that the next option was adoption. We looked into the Foster-to-adopt program, but felt that our hearts could not bear further pain and uncertainty. I found an international program through Columbia that delighted my heart and became fixated on getting an infant through this means. B was not on board, yet. I rammed my way through, taking the lead in fulfilling my desires. I've since learned that when both spouses are trying to control, row and lead the canoe, it doesn't go well and even with the best on intentions, you end up crashing into the shore and many trees and shrubs (Yes, this is a metaphor, but also an actual experience where I gained valuable clarity!) Although I do believe that many times, the woman, made in God's sensitive likeness, may receive a message from God before her husband, she must endure the wait. As Dr. Phil states, "You've got the tail waging the dog." Just a side note, this is all being said from the woman who had a picture of the US Supreme Court Justices picture hanging on my wall in college, with my head glued onto a body because I had lofty and feministic ideas about my life and future! Dragging a man behind you is not God's best and perfect plan and usually ends in failure of some kind. The time frame between deciding I wanted a baby and receiving our daughter was approximately 4 years, all said and done. The 2 years between filling out our adoption application and flying to China to get Grace, was some of the longest, agonizing time I've spent. But, I did learn that if I can wait that long for a reward that if far more amazing than I could have ever imagined, patience must be a part of God's sweet fruits that I desire. All that to say, I have been given a glimpse of what our future may hold and a momentary view of why we've had to endure this struggle and I think it just may be worth it! As I wrestle with things like, caution, realistic expectations, lofty thoughts of grandeur and failure, I pray that He is leading me.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
You Never Let Go
Yet another song that fits my sentiments perfectly! This finds me just as I am and as I desire to be! Take a listen and enjoy the lyrics, song #1 on my playlist.
You Never Let Go
By: Matt Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light, that is coming, for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know
You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
You Never Let Go
By: Matt Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light, that is coming, for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know
You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I am a grumbling Israelite!
This is not what was orignially on my mind to write about, but I found this quote on another blog. A mother who lost her baby, shortly after she was born, shared an excerpt from the book and this particular quote caught my heart. "Grateful people learn to celebrate even amid life's hard and harrowing memories because they know that pruning is no mere punishment, but preparation." Henri Nouwen, Author of "Turning my mourning into dancing."
I am humbled today after a pointant teaching from God, today at our Saturday night church service, Pastor Brad shared stories of the Israelites from Exodus 16 & Numbers 20.
Exodus 16
1 The whole Israelite community set out from Elim and came to the Desert of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had come out of Egypt. 2 In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."
4 Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. 5 On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days."
6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt, 7 and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?" 8 Moses also said, "You will know that it was the LORD when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD."
9 Then Moses told Aaron, "Say to the entire Israelite community, 'Come before the LORD, for he has heard your grumbling.' "
10 While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the LORD appearing in the cloud.
11 The LORD said to Moses, 12 "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God.' "
13 That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. 14 When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. 15 When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was. Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat. 16 This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer [a] for each person you have in your tent.' "
17 The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. 18 And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed.
19 Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning."
20 However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.
21 Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. 22 On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers [b] for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. 23 He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.' "
24 So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. 25 "Eat it today," Moses said, "because today is a Sabbath to the LORD. You will not find any of it on the ground today. 26 Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any."
27 Nevertheless, some of the people went out on the seventh day to gather it, but they found none. 28 Then the LORD said to Moses, "How long will you [c] refuse to keep my commands and my instructions? 29 Bear in mind that the LORD has given you the Sabbath; that is why on the sixth day he gives you bread for two days. Everyone is to stay where he is on the seventh day; no one is to go out." 30 So the people rested on the seventh day.
31 The people of Israel called the bread manna. [d] It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey. 32 Moses said, "This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Take an omer of manna and keep it for the generations to come, so they can see the bread I gave you to eat in the desert when I brought you out of Egypt.' "
33 So Moses said to Aaron, "Take a jar and put an omer of manna in it. Then place it before the LORD to be kept for the generations to come."
34 As the LORD commanded Moses, Aaron put the manna in front of the Testimony, that it might be kept. 35 The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.
AND
Numbers 20 2-12
2 Now there was no water for the community, and the people gathered in opposition to Moses and Aaron. 3 They quarreled with Moses and said, "If only we had died when our brothers fell dead before the LORD! 4 Why did you bring the LORD's community into this desert, that we and our livestock should die here? 5 Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to this terrible place? It has no grain or figs, grapevines or pomegranates. And there is no water to drink!" (This has been said from my very lips, just replace Egypt with California!)
6 Moses and Aaron went from the assembly to the entrance to the Tent of Meeting and fell facedown, and the glory of the LORD appeared to them. 7 The LORD said to Moses, 8 "Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together. Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their livestock can drink."
9 So Moses took the staff from the LORD's presence, just as he commanded him. 10 He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, "Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?" 11 Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank.
12 But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them."
Lord forgive me, I am a grumbling Israelite. Their words have been my words and may I trust you enough....
I am humbled today after a pointant teaching from God, today at our Saturday night church service, Pastor Brad shared stories of the Israelites from Exodus 16 & Numbers 20.
Exodus 16
1 The whole Israelite community set out from Elim and came to the Desert of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had come out of Egypt. 2 In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."
4 Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. 5 On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days."
6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt, 7 and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?" 8 Moses also said, "You will know that it was the LORD when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD."
9 Then Moses told Aaron, "Say to the entire Israelite community, 'Come before the LORD, for he has heard your grumbling.' "
10 While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the LORD appearing in the cloud.
11 The LORD said to Moses, 12 "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God.' "
13 That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. 14 When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. 15 When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was. Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat. 16 This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer [a] for each person you have in your tent.' "
17 The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. 18 And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed.
19 Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning."
20 However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.
21 Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. 22 On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers [b] for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. 23 He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.' "
24 So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. 25 "Eat it today," Moses said, "because today is a Sabbath to the LORD. You will not find any of it on the ground today. 26 Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any."
27 Nevertheless, some of the people went out on the seventh day to gather it, but they found none. 28 Then the LORD said to Moses, "How long will you [c] refuse to keep my commands and my instructions? 29 Bear in mind that the LORD has given you the Sabbath; that is why on the sixth day he gives you bread for two days. Everyone is to stay where he is on the seventh day; no one is to go out." 30 So the people rested on the seventh day.
31 The people of Israel called the bread manna. [d] It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey. 32 Moses said, "This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Take an omer of manna and keep it for the generations to come, so they can see the bread I gave you to eat in the desert when I brought you out of Egypt.' "
33 So Moses said to Aaron, "Take a jar and put an omer of manna in it. Then place it before the LORD to be kept for the generations to come."
34 As the LORD commanded Moses, Aaron put the manna in front of the Testimony, that it might be kept. 35 The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.
AND
Numbers 20 2-12
2 Now there was no water for the community, and the people gathered in opposition to Moses and Aaron. 3 They quarreled with Moses and said, "If only we had died when our brothers fell dead before the LORD! 4 Why did you bring the LORD's community into this desert, that we and our livestock should die here? 5 Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to this terrible place? It has no grain or figs, grapevines or pomegranates. And there is no water to drink!" (This has been said from my very lips, just replace Egypt with California!)
6 Moses and Aaron went from the assembly to the entrance to the Tent of Meeting and fell facedown, and the glory of the LORD appeared to them. 7 The LORD said to Moses, 8 "Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together. Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their livestock can drink."
9 So Moses took the staff from the LORD's presence, just as he commanded him. 10 He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, "Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?" 11 Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank.
12 But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them."
Lord forgive me, I am a grumbling Israelite. Their words have been my words and may I trust you enough....
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The battle is not your's, but God's
I've gotten out of the habit of writing, one, because our computer is not in a convenient location & B) I'm trying not to whine, and I've been stagnate in many aspects. We have been here now, about 2 months and the deep cavern is beginning to shallow. I am back in the game, fighting once again! Many things have happened over the past month, ups and downs that have vigorously shaken me. We have found a church that we are thrilled to call home and this is the backbone to Us. We attended Lakeside Church http://www.lakesidechurch.com/, 3 weeks ago, and knew almost immediately, that this was the one for us. We loved the LOUD and passionate worship and found the Pastor, Brad Franklin, an amazing teacher and communicator of The Word. We come from a church of around 250, and are now at one sized around 2,300. So beyond our deep desire and need for friends here, we also long for community with believers. We were directed to a Lifegroup and spent Wednesday night meeting with 6 other couples, watching a Louis Giglio series called, Canvas. Although they were "strangers," it is certainly the beginning of our new church family (not that the old family is gone or forgotten!). Brian interviewed for his third higher education recruiter position, and feels led to pursue this field. We'll see what comes of this interview, we move forward with caution as "this is not our first rodeo'" as Dr. Phil says! My dad, always said, "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck!" PRAISE UPDATE: Our friends, Jeff & Kim and their 7 kids, heard some amazing news that the stage 4 cancer is in full remission! Kim will have to continue to battle, as a double mastectomy and hysterectomy has been scheduled, but she is a fighter and obviously, the Lord is not finished with her yet! Please continue to lift us in prayer, I have felt the spiritual battle going on, as well as the circumstantial fight and have been asking for God to reveal what exactly we're fighting against. I need a name so I can fight. I set out to find the verse Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." BUT, instead, I found this: 2 Chronicles 20: 15 - 17 "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight the battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." Hmm, exactly what I needed to hear! God has spoken, need I say more! Goodnight.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Blooms
Driving around in our new area, things are in bloom, buds are spouting, and green is everywhere. Back in Spokane, we are used to anxiously awaiting our tulips to poke their heads out from the frozen tundra. The weather here has been in the 60's to 70's and even an 80, last Friday. As I relate the beautiful flowers to my life, I realize that everything has it's season. Blessings, blooms and beauty has it's time, and then work, difficulties and receiving nurturing must happen. I don't know why this has particularily struck me this week, except that as I live through this cavern in my life, it becomes difficult to see this as temporary. Sure I dream about having our own house, what colors I want my walls, seeing my furniture that is packed in storage, and that Christmas feeling when I get to unpack everything after being without. But just as the beautiful blossoms will soon fade to green leaves, then the fight just to remain through the heat of summer, the loss of leaves and everything that makes them unique and then the long rest during winter, so is life.
Friday, March 27, 2009
We fight amidst the battle cries
Lift Me Up
Lyrics & Song by: Yes
Listen along on my playlist, song #1
Look around - Got no place to stay.
God I hate this town, depending on the day.
You look me up, you look me down - Alright, OK.
While I got no life, I got no hope;
I'm falling in love.
Help me through the fight;
Help me win tonight - I'm calling.
What to do I find it hard to know;
The road I walk is not the one I chose
Lift me up and turn me over;
Lead me on into the dawn.
Take me to the highest mountain;
Tie me up, love in a storm.
Have you decided on my fortune?
Facing the future in your eyes,
With your imperial behaviour
We fight amidst the battle cries.
Open doors - They may be closed to me;
The fire's still burning in my heart...
What to do I find it hard to know;
I want to turn my life around...
Lyrics & Song by: Yes
Listen along on my playlist, song #1
Look around - Got no place to stay.
God I hate this town, depending on the day.
You look me up, you look me down - Alright, OK.
While I got no life, I got no hope;
I'm falling in love.
Help me through the fight;
Help me win tonight - I'm calling.
What to do I find it hard to know;
The road I walk is not the one I chose
Lift me up and turn me over;
Lead me on into the dawn.
Take me to the highest mountain;
Tie me up, love in a storm.
Have you decided on my fortune?
Facing the future in your eyes,
With your imperial behaviour
We fight amidst the battle cries.
Open doors - They may be closed to me;
The fire's still burning in my heart...
What to do I find it hard to know;
I want to turn my life around...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Like a potato-bug!
I have so many things flying through my mind, I don't even know where to start. We are having "roommate" issues that are causing me a great deal of stress. Although I know the healthy way to handle most situations and can verbalize the unhealthy patterns that go on between B and his mother, it becomes much more difficult to implement them into my own conversations with her. We've been living with my Mother-in-law for 5 weeks and the culmination of un-conscious, or conscious remarks are beginning to come to a boiling point on our emotions. I am finding my negativity at an all-time high, craving reprieve an already difficult position that we are in. I began reading "Multiple Bles8ings," by Kate Gosselin and Beth Carson (Jon & Kate Plus 8). Kind of picked it up from my SIL's To Read desk and have found it to be such a huge blessing, far beyond just the story of having sextuplets and surviving. Kate managed to reveal her heart in each page and give us a glimpse into the despair and fear, and joys, of her life. What I didn't know was that Jon and their family has struggled with the loss of jobs, unemployment and the unique stresses that come along. An excerpt that I could especially relate to: "As the months of no paychecks wore on, I grew more and more worried about him. People commented on how exhausted he looked; his eyes were red-rimmed, his hair uncharacteristically messy, his face unshaven, and his sweatpants a uniform. Now at times he just stared blankly as he sat holding two restless babies or he slumped at the computer, filling out countless job applications. I needed him, and watching him run himself into the ground was like watching a speeding race car about to spin out of control. The worst part was that we were in this figurative car together; if he crashed and burned, so did the rest of us. I knew that no one felt that pressure more acutely than Jon. I loved him for each minute that he managed to hold it together for the sake of our family." Sadly, I'm to distracted by my own emotional turmoil, I am doing a poor job of being available, nor noticing the difficulties of B through all this. A humbling realization, and yet, I wonder if knowing will even help me change it? I am all enthralled with our children and survival that anything beyond bandaging the immediate bleeding feels not possible.
I was challenging myself last night as I bathed Grace, to turn every complaint that entered my mind, into a Praise. I am thankful to have a tub that is poorly constructed to bathe small children! I am blessed to have yellow, iron-filled water to clean our skin! Praise You Lord for my boys having a room to share and become more connected! Thank You for them staying up late and talking! May these issues that are constantly being put in front of me, be used to clear out even more unhealthy thoughts and ways inside me. I'm thankful for knowing healthy reactions to unhealthy situations, and having to pt them to use will mold me into a stronger, Godly woman. Thank you Lord for this past year of difficulty with Grace and it becoming second nature to reply calmly and directly! Praise the Lord for learning to live in such a small space to free us from being tied down to a mortgage payment! Thank You for knowing the struggle of the importance of relationship over things, tidiness and having my way!
I don't normally take cautious in my writing, but because my life is so intimately intertwined with others, I have held off on journaling over many of the past weeks. I want nothing then to be transparent and for Lord to use my struggles to touch others. This internal struggle has led to my bottling of many feelings. An eruption of emotions is never far beyond the surface and the struggle of shutting down lurks around every corner for me. I long for a purpose, a plan, a great hope. My privacy, routine and familiar views are non-existent. As a friend asks my views and revelation about something being laid on her heart to ponder, I find myself empty of anything in the spiritual department to offer. I am self-absorbed and needy, cowering at outside stimuli, like one of those potato bugs that turns into a ball when you touch or poke it. Kate describes this feeling: "I listened to the pointless chatter; at the time it all seemed so shallow. I would often sit with a glazed look in my eyes trying to remember when I actually thought any of those topics worthy of that much discussion. I was usually too tired to comment."
I was challenging myself last night as I bathed Grace, to turn every complaint that entered my mind, into a Praise. I am thankful to have a tub that is poorly constructed to bathe small children! I am blessed to have yellow, iron-filled water to clean our skin! Praise You Lord for my boys having a room to share and become more connected! Thank You for them staying up late and talking! May these issues that are constantly being put in front of me, be used to clear out even more unhealthy thoughts and ways inside me. I'm thankful for knowing healthy reactions to unhealthy situations, and having to pt them to use will mold me into a stronger, Godly woman. Thank you Lord for this past year of difficulty with Grace and it becoming second nature to reply calmly and directly! Praise the Lord for learning to live in such a small space to free us from being tied down to a mortgage payment! Thank You for knowing the struggle of the importance of relationship over things, tidiness and having my way!
I don't normally take cautious in my writing, but because my life is so intimately intertwined with others, I have held off on journaling over many of the past weeks. I want nothing then to be transparent and for Lord to use my struggles to touch others. This internal struggle has led to my bottling of many feelings. An eruption of emotions is never far beyond the surface and the struggle of shutting down lurks around every corner for me. I long for a purpose, a plan, a great hope. My privacy, routine and familiar views are non-existent. As a friend asks my views and revelation about something being laid on her heart to ponder, I find myself empty of anything in the spiritual department to offer. I am self-absorbed and needy, cowering at outside stimuli, like one of those potato bugs that turns into a ball when you touch or poke it. Kate describes this feeling: "I listened to the pointless chatter; at the time it all seemed so shallow. I would often sit with a glazed look in my eyes trying to remember when I actually thought any of those topics worthy of that much discussion. I was usually too tired to comment."
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Must Read!
This is what I live for! I hope this is our story, but you just never know until you stumble upon that day. Here is a story about a little girl we met while in China, on our PHF trip. I was heart broken to learn that her adoption was disrupted (the family chose not to complete the adoption, upon meeting her in China), but God knew her future and her forever family was praying and waiting on her! http://bakerssweets.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
NTKB
Good news, Joe was not abducted by aliens! Joe, being the person that hired Brian, then he didn't hear from for nearly 2 weeks. Life is a curious thing?! We assume God was saving us from a mistake of gargantuan proportion. NTKB~As I have previously, described we are on a strictly Need To Know Basis with our future, so another piece seemingly revealed, only to leave us guessing and incorrect again! The scripture that keeps being brought to my mind is in Isaiah 55: 8,11& 12 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord...my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace." This is not supposed to make sense to me! My thoughts are not His thoughts!
The biggest piece to this is that I feel like we were willing to sacrifice in order to take this job, knowing that it would require a miracle to make ends meet and we came to terms with that. When something seems to be delivered by God, and then doesn't come to fruition, I am left to wonder if it was my misunderstanding of God's will? We've encountered a recurring theme of coming to a point of surrender. Some things we felt that God has asked us to physically give up, while others, such as our Suburban, we felt led to offer it, then felt God reaffirmed our keeping it. If I start at the beginning, I've given up so much and yet, here I am, still alive to tell about it. Not always in the best mood, not leaning nearly enough on God, but still fighting. I do know that this week needs to be one of finding my strength in Him. I'm standing too firmly on my own strength. I've wrestled it back, slowly over the past weeks and before I know it, I'm back at the helm and short of breath, beat down. I humbly retreat to my Father, again! I know He'll always take me back.
The biggest piece to this is that I feel like we were willing to sacrifice in order to take this job, knowing that it would require a miracle to make ends meet and we came to terms with that. When something seems to be delivered by God, and then doesn't come to fruition, I am left to wonder if it was my misunderstanding of God's will? We've encountered a recurring theme of coming to a point of surrender. Some things we felt that God has asked us to physically give up, while others, such as our Suburban, we felt led to offer it, then felt God reaffirmed our keeping it. If I start at the beginning, I've given up so much and yet, here I am, still alive to tell about it. Not always in the best mood, not leaning nearly enough on God, but still fighting. I do know that this week needs to be one of finding my strength in Him. I'm standing too firmly on my own strength. I've wrestled it back, slowly over the past weeks and before I know it, I'm back at the helm and short of breath, beat down. I humbly retreat to my Father, again! I know He'll always take me back.
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