When it's been such a long time since I wrote my thoughts down, things become jumbled & my ability to process and understand the things that I am supposed to be learning, begin to fade! I certainly do not want to have to learn them again, so I must take some time for myself and write.
I started reading again, which is the first sign of coming out of a deep hole! I don't know about you, but when I get into one of "those funks," I cannot see the forest for the trees, as they say. Maybe I've said this before, maybe even recently, but sometimes I cannot repeat the things that go on in my head because I can't even stand to hear myself whine. However, this is dangerous because Satan loves the dark! I was reminded of this in the 5th grade group I co-lead at Church, when we read Matthew 5:14-16. The light is so powerful because it reveals Truth. You can only begin to deal with what is really going on when you can see and assess it.
I have felt unheard, trapped & not valued over the past year. I have been screaming at the top of my lungs for my husband and God to Save Me, yet they have not. This has caused much frustration, disconnection and eventually resentment that turned into rage and anger. In my humanness, I have communicated my frustration with our circumstances to my husband, who has listened and provided understanding and empathy. However, I have not wanted empathy, I Have Wanted ACTION! So, as he heard my rants, he listened, no matter how painful, and did his best to validate and hear me. Eventually this felt like talking to a rock, for me, and I began to explode with anger, seething from my every crevasse! I wasn't looking to just be heard, but to be taken serious! I needed action.
The interesting thing now that I realize, is that he was doing so many things right, so many things that women desire, but it wasn't what I wanted, so it just felt empty. What I also now realize is that while Satan was abounding in my soul with anger, resentment, hate & hurt, Satan was also busy in Brian, primarily with Fear!
The thing about the Devil is that he is a master at so much. I never want to give my enemy, especially, Satan, too much credit and the power that seems to go along with it, but not realizing what Satan can/does do is not to our advantage either!
Brian has had his own battles this past year, with things that I cannot understand because I am not a man. I do not hold the responsibilities that he holds. I cannot fathom the pressure he must feel, especially when things are in the crapper. While I have felt paralyzed and trapped, he too has felt these things, times 100!
I begged him to change things for me, something he felt paralyzed to do. I felt like a rock attached to a sinking ship, but he felt like THE SHIP, taking down the lives of the ones he loved and was responsible for.
A culmination of feeling unheard and thus uncared for, led me to a place of rebellion. I became a teenager of sorts! When we are pressed, we can react with Grace, or without. I reacted without! Much as humans innately fight for their own lives in tragedy, I began to fight as if my life depended upon it.
Anger, hatred, rage, spite, & dishonor spewed from me, self-preservation took over and I pushed aside my dependence and vulnerability.
I picked up a book at our church bookstore, called, "Why Is God Ignoring Me," by Gary R. Haberman and what a statement that is! The author uses John 12:28-30 to give insight. "Then a voice came front heaven: "I have glorfied it, and I will glorify it again." The crowd that stood there and heard it said that it had thundered. Others said, "An angel has spoken to him." His point is that when we hear God's voice, we often become confused and question what we heard. Was it an angel or thunder we wonder? God isn't even one of the possibilities!
As I reflect back upon our decision-making over the past year-and-a-half, I realize that we based decisions upon facts. We made lists including the amounts of money we would need to pay our mortgage, buy food, pay bills, and offered that to God as our list of demands!
We honestly pursued God's best by presenting our "needs" to Him to provide. We set dates, calculated dollar amounts, and prayed for these needs to be granted by dates we set.
Without throwing myself or Brian under the bus for being faithless, I have to say that we really did prayerfully bring things to God. We sought advise and prayer from trusted authority and genuinely tried to submit to God's will, beyond ours and what we wanted, which was to keep the grip on our present lives. We were torn between a passion to serve, which we had tasted in China. A passion to let everything we worked for go, and the worldly desires to grip it tightly.
The things I feel are being revealed to me now are Heart VS. Head. I am not new to things of the heart, but when we presented all the facts to God, we expected a factual response. We told God, we have 5 loaves and 2 fish and it will never feed 5,000!!! We did the math Lord! But, Jesus said to his disciples," Have them sit down in groups of about fifty each." The disciples did so, and everybody sat down. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke them. Then he gave them to the disciples to set before the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up 12 basket-fulls of broken pieces that were left over." Luke 9: 13-17
It just doesn't make mathematical sense!! It makes FAITH sense! I now question the faith it took to move away, even though we gave up so much? We were certain we'd have shelter & food, according to our own means. It wasn't glamorous, it wasn't what we wanted, but it was certain. The thing I'm learning about God is that part way is not enough! He wants EVERYTHING!
We thought our wisdom was great and smart and Godly. And, maybe it was, we'll never know what the outcome had been if we'd have stayed, but as for now? God wants MORE! He wants EVERYTHING! But God? That's scary, what if we fail, or worse, others think we failed? W-A-S...Worry About Self, as I always tell my kids! Maybe I should feel honored that God wants so much from us? Maybe we're special? Maybe He has amazing plans for us?
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. YES, He says, I do have amazing plans for you!
*Picture from Mother's Day Tea at Gracyn's Preschool!
