God called the light "Day"...and there was morning-the first day

Genesis 1:3-5 "And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day" and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning-the first day."
As I looked for a verse to encourage me and meet my heart, I was directed to Genesis 1. How appropriate that as we begin our "new beginning" I am led to the beginning of God's creation. I am reminded that each day begins anew. Tuesday was one of the lowest days of my life, Wednesday my daughter had a breakdown of gargantuan proportion...Thursday we attended our first gymnastics class for Grace (it was great and watching her explore and twirl and jump made me smile and remember why I love these troublesome children so dearly.) Today, we went to the library for story time and the loud storytelling and 30ish other children were too much for little Grace's sensibilities. Over stimulation and control have been issues we're dealing with as she seems to feel free to express her anxiousness about all these changes. After school today we loaded up our bicycles to try out the local bike trail. As I was huffing and puffing (a play on the 3 Pigs story we heard today at the library!) on the trail, I commented that it felt like we were always going uphill. I speculated that it has been entirely too long between working out, but when we turned around to head back, I realized that indeed we were flying downhill the entire way back! Another metaphor for my life. I commented that I wished it was a better combination of up and downs, rather than all up one-way and down-the-other. Surely that would be easier in life if we could ride the good times wave up the cliffs, but that isn't the way it goes for most of us.

How low can you go?

The odd thing about emotions is that you can go from fine to the depths of despair within moments. This afternoon has been a low, deep and dark place. “I thought I could, but I can’t!” “I want to go home!” “We should have tried harder and longer.” “I am not strong enough.” “I hate this.” This is what I feel and in those moments when my mind was open to allowing these thoughts, they flew and even after I thought I had let myself feel and would be past that part of processing, it happened once again. Instead of napping, Grace decided to spill her sippy cup of water all over her bed & not sleep. Issues with the boys, disagreement in parenting, and the gazillion other stresses I'm carrying...caused an eruption. I have not felt such anger with such strong gail-forces for a very long time. And just so you know, it was "the ugly-cry." I could not stop and everything inside me wanted to destroy and scream. I am truly experiencing the grief that I have kept at bay. It feels like a death, a loss of grand proportion. Not only do I have to suffer my own losses, but he losses of my kids. The stresses of them going to a new school, meeting new friends, attending a new church and having parents who are parenting with high levels of stress upon them. Our truth is that we are homeless and jobless, just like so many other Americans in this crazy time of economic stagnicity. {I just made that word up (-:}
This is not where I ever pictured our story going? There is a child who needs us, stuck in China, we have no means or ability to change that for her. Brian is gifted in so many arena's and hear we are one step from a soup kitchen. Why Lord? Why have You Forsaken Me? I am pissed at God. Wondering how we went from comfortable, happy, to desperate and out-of-control. The one thing I know full well is that I am at the end of my rope. I am not strong enough, and I cannot do this, God MUST. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when ever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-3 I am too weak to feel the excitement of this challenge, to look eagerly into my future and see the blessings that will be given. Today I am just in deep despair. God will meet me there, and I will not stay there long, but it is a part of my process. To add to my despair today, the little Chinese adopted girl, named Lydia, died today around 4:30 after succumbing to Leukemia (AML) that Dr's could never get into remission. I found her story while staying with Jeff & Kim's kids, awhile ago and have followed her health everyday since. Please keep her family in your prayers. Her mother, father, brother and extended family are deeply mourning.

**A new picture of Mei Mei and a short description of her learning to walk from PHF, the orphanage where she is living: And Mei-mei, at four, just began pulling herself and taking steps. The blueness of her skin is discouraging, and there is nothing the doctors can do for her heart, but she pulled herself up anyway. It’s these small celebrations that I love about day-to-day life in the village. Leah Zimmer

Arrived

Date: whatever

We made it! After a long, long road trip, 9:30 a.m. to 9:15 p.m. and then 9:15 a.m. to 4:45 p.m. we arrived at our new, temporary home in Placerville, California. Besides the fact that our moving truck was 4 days late, our actual travel was uneventful, minus some thick fog and down-pouring of rain (with a beautiful rainbow afterwards). We were thrilled to have the drama before the trip instead of on it. Thank you Lord for guiding and watching over our caravan across three states. Although it is difficult to make such a trek in separate cars, with the plethora of quality time we’ve had since Brian’s lay-off, it was good for my soul to have some “alone” time. And, by alone, I mean, 2 kids and a dog and Me! Yes, those who are parents relish in the quiet times such as these, ones where you plug your children in front of the DVD and Gameboy/Nintendo DS’s and have all but an occasional burst of emotion upon the passage of the game, or distraught sighs when they are defeated…SILENCE to a mothers ears! Having endless hours to ponder lifes inconsistencies, stresses and issues, I was able to go through a process of grieving the loss of our former life of 18 years in the same location, same church for 14, same friends, favorite restaurants, meeting coffee houses, neighborhood friends and so much more. The worst thing upon our leaving our driveway, reminiscing through each room and who and what it meant to our family. Once leaving everything behind, grief struck. What I have, what I have worked so hard for, what would come, kids that I know and know me well now, but will not know me as they get bigger. Leaving the comforts of a Church Home and Family. Leaving current ministries, past ministries and future possibilities. It began to strike me that although I could guess how this might feel, until the physical separation became apparent, it was impossible to digest. As we pulled down our street, it seemed as it a parade was there, kids and parents, to give high fives and last goodbyes. It proved too hurtful and sad for my heart to bear with out releasing a leak. I could call each neighbor by name, felt confident to carry on a conversation and loved to get a call, or give a call for an ingredient need. I loved my neighbors and the “hood” itself. I envisioned the neighbor kids and mine, being the hoodlums of the future. Another dream lost. As we are driving along the Northern California entry, down Mt. Shasta, the rain pelting harder and harder and wipers on their highest speed . The best things about downpour rain: a free car wash, and hearing “I’ll Praise You In This Storm,” by Casting Crowns has new and such real meaning. We made it to Laleta’s house about 5:00 p.m. to reunite with our Brother and Sister-in-law and our kids’ cousins a yummy beverage and pizza to soothe our soul.

We're here!

I just have a second, we're down at our B-I-L and S-I-L (brother & sister-in-law's) house, so we are borrowing their Internet. We made it to CA on Sunday...I have a post I've written, but can't upload until we get Internet hooked up, so you can hear the gory details of our voyage. We're not ignoring all our friends, we just don't have the ability to e-mail.
We visited our first church today, Harvest Church in Elk Grove. It was very LOUD, Brian, our resident "Sound Guy" thought it was about 110 - 120 db. Well, gotta collect our kids and head up the hill to get the boys in bed. Their first day of school is tomorrow! Love and miss you!

Last goodbyes, over and over...

What's worse then saying goodbye once...saying goodbye several times. Deferred leaving is not fun! We've never moved across states before, so this is all new. Maybe we should have expected the truck not to show up at the time they gave us, 24 hours prior to our scheduled pick-up. We had been told that due to the unknowns of weather, we'd get our pick-up time, 24-48 hours prior to actual pick-up. We went with the flow, we're told to be ready on Wednesday morning...then received a call saying it would be Wednesday afternoon...then it was Thursday morning...now, Brian is in a heated discussion with Eli..Okay, Friday morning! Yikes! What a mess!

"Bring the rain"

I love how songs catch the sentiment that I have in my heart, so instead of trying to recreate something not nearly as well, I share another song that I sing and pray. It's the top song on my play list if you wish to listen along with the lyrics! Just try to listen and sing this without weeping! The line, "Jesus bring the rain," is a difficult one for me!

Bring the Rain
by: Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray...

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me, suffering your destiny
so tell me, whats a little rain?

Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy
is the Lord God Almighty
is the Lord God Almighty

I'm forever singing
everybody singing
Holy holy holy
You are Holy You are Holy

Our ER visit!

First, I have to say, as far as ER visits, this one was a walk-in-the-park. We were honing-in on packing today, as we leave in 2-3 days, we had a birthday party, roller skating, a sleep over...boys everywhere, busy as usual. Brian picked Grace up with one arm and slung her over his shoulder and then she began to cry. She fussed and cried, we tried to figure out what and where she was hurt. We iced her wrist and she continued to refuse to move her elbow and after calling the after-hour peds #, we took off for the ER. They call it nurse-maids elbow and the peds triage nurse was right. When we got back to our little cubby in the ER, the Dr. came in, advised how he would turn her arm, she would cry and then, be fine and begin using the arm again. Sure enough, a slight arm twist, a pop, and she was as good as new. No medication, no x-rays and as we cheered, "Your thumb is back!" It happened on her left arm, as she told the nurse, not her right! She did try to suck the right thumb, but it just wouldn't do! It's only the 2nd trip to the ER for the kids, who have 21 years between them, so I can't complain! Back to packing!

part II

As I began to calm and realize that anger and resentment were not Godly wife qualities...I began to search for alternate feelings and emotions. I grabbed my "Power of a Praying Wife," book and began trying to let it all go. I am certainly not there yet! I fall short of being a supportive, loving and patient wife, more than I succeed. After the anger period, I had to begin to think of the "worst case scenario." I had to answer the what if's...and realize that I surely would not die if the fears that paralyzed me were to happen. Honestly, my worst case was, losing the house, having to move the kids from their current school, leaving our friends and support, having to start over again with relationships that I have worked so hard at developing, dealing with heart broken children who were going to loose the friends and comforts of our home and life, leaving a church family that has grown me over the past 14 years, and lastly, possibly having to depend on the financial assistance and even sharing a home with family. I am an independent woman, I like to pay my own way, take care of my own needs, and accepting the offer to live with Brian's Mom felt like loosing ME. I begged God that we'd learn whatever He needed for us to learn without that final blow. God softly told me, there is more! Patience isn't learned in a day...I have so much for you and your biggest fear, you will conquer and overcome. Wow, I'm honored He has so much faith in me, I surely don't, in myself. What do you do when your choices are few? Well, worst case becomes reality and over time, your fears ease, you begin to emotionally challenge yourself to engage and problem solve and have to find the best in every situation. Today, I am excited to begin this adventure. California doesn't scare me, in fact, it promises, ADVENTURE, warm weather!, new places to photography and explore, exposure to the benefits of a huge city like San Francisco (& Chinatown), opportunity to be near family, new people in our lives, new relationships to challenge what I've learned here, choosing a new church family to worship with...endless change and adventures. My next step was to overcome fear. Once I realized that a move was inevitable, fear for my kids, overcame me. Knowing we didn't know much, especially where we'd live and for how long, I knew my two, two, keep the dots very close together type of boys, would be leaving a school they love, moving to another school for an unknown amount of time (until Brian finds a job and we can get a place of our own) and then moving yet again, to another school! The thought of this tortured me! I didn't want to hear, it happens all the times to kids, it happened to me, kids are resilient! These are my tender, sensitive babies who are being ripped out of all they know to be placed into a temporary situation, then once a final move is made and job secured, the third school would come into play! A Mommy just wants the best for her children and I knew there is no way to spin this other than what it is.....a mess! Alas, homeschooling struck me as a possible answer to this complicated matter of the heart. I began to research, curriculum, websites and groups who could offer support. I felt a peace that with my new found information, I could make the choice that was best for our family. Taking my power back, helped relieve the stress of life just happening to me. I now feel at peace about the boys attending the local school in our new location, meeting friends, having a regular schedule and allowing my focus to be on Grace and myself. It's all about process! As we share with people now, I fear they think that my peace seems like relinquishment of hope. Ultimately, for some reason, this is the course that God has placed us on. It is not the one I would have chosen for myself, and doesn't it make sense that the things that God has for us are not visible and understandable in our eyes anyway? Thank goodness I'm not in control of this life! I manage to screw up the few things I handle! God, we are Your's! Take us where You must! We will miss our Spokane life like crazy. Thank you for these amazing years and friends to share them with! We are blessed!

The Question: "What's going On?"

A friend e-mailed me today and asked "What's going On?" It gave me a chance to think and process. This has been a long process! The things that were important to me 5 months ago are no longer and the most important has risen to the top! Family being together and health. A large 4 bedroom, 3 bath house, while beautiful and dreamy, frankly is too much to clean and has disallowed us the freedom to DO. I've been over and over, what did we do wrong, vs. what did life just bring? Should we have stayed in our small, humble 1925 bungalow where our cars got broke into because we had no garage? Where the streets were unsafe for my kids to play? Where we were bursting at the seams to find room for our growing family? We wisely invested into that home and came out, selling in the height and getting a good deal on our much bigger, best schools, family friendly neighborhood, cul-de-sac street housing development "mansion." It's not a mansion, but fully provided for every need, 2-car garage, private backyard, 3 blocks from the best schools, 4-level, play-room, family room, living room, dining room yada, yada, yada! We felt wise, we had a decent down payment, made almost $100K on the sale of our previous home, funded our adoption, needed space for adding our daughter? But, here we are 3 years later, having to let it all go. We couldn't see into the future, to know the mortgage business would bottom out, we couldn't know that after going to China for our second trip, as missionaries, we'd begin to feel the need to simplify. Who knew cleaning 3 bathrooms would be so time consuming? And we'd never use our formal dining room and would never afford furniture for our living room? Our financial momentum stalled and we had assumed it would continue at level, or increase. As we came upon the notion that 2008 was a very bad year, Summer, which is our thriving season and savings for the slow Winter, was dead and Winter wasn't far behind with all that it brings, even worse as our city is covered with snow! We knew that going into debt to survive was not an option. We had previously chosen that route when our boys were babies and debt is never the answer, it only sets your future further into destruction. We had learned to save in the good, to prepare for the bad, but with a bad year, there was not much to be saved and so, we began to take inventory. The boat was the first to go, then a dining room table and hutch, many things we'd collected and that sat. I began to learn to release, not lose. As Brian and I began to have more and more "quality" time together, I began my Angry phase. Resentment, frustration over how Brian looked for jobs. My Control began to emerge and faith fades. A low point! I began to realize that I had to deal with my worst case scenario. What if...there's no miracle that saves my house, my kids' current life and comforts, I had to depend on assistance from others. More tomorrow....