I have so many things flying through my mind, I don't even know where to start. We are having "roommate" issues that are causing me a great deal of stress. Although I know the healthy way to handle most situations and can verbalize the unhealthy patterns that go on between B and his mother, it becomes much more difficult to implement them into my own conversations with her. We've been living with my Mother-in-law for 5 weeks and the culmination of un-conscious, or conscious remarks are beginning to come to a boiling point on our emotions. I am finding my negativity at an all-time high, craving reprieve an already difficult position that we are in. I began reading "Multiple Bles8ings," by Kate Gosselin and Beth Carson (Jon & Kate Plus 8). Kind of picked it up from my SIL's To Read desk and have found it to be such a huge blessing, far beyond just the story of having sextuplets and surviving. Kate managed to reveal her heart in each page and give us a glimpse into the despair and fear, and joys, of her life. What I didn't know was that Jon and their family has struggled with the loss of jobs, unemployment and the unique stresses that come along. An excerpt that I could especially relate to: "As the months of no paychecks wore on, I grew more and more worried about him. People commented on how exhausted he looked; his eyes were red-rimmed, his hair uncharacteristically messy, his face unshaven, and his sweatpants a uniform. Now at times he just stared blankly as he sat holding two restless babies or he slumped at the computer, filling out countless job applications. I needed him, and watching him run himself into the ground was like watching a speeding race car about to spin out of control. The worst part was that we were in this figurative car together; if he crashed and burned, so did the rest of us. I knew that no one felt that pressure more acutely than Jon. I loved him for each minute that he managed to hold it together for the sake of our family." Sadly, I'm to distracted by my own emotional turmoil, I am doing a poor job of being available, nor noticing the difficulties of B through all this. A humbling realization, and yet, I wonder if knowing will even help me change it? I am all enthralled with our children and survival that anything beyond bandaging the immediate bleeding feels not possible.
I was challenging myself last night as I bathed Grace, to turn every complaint that entered my mind, into a Praise. I am thankful to have a tub that is poorly constructed to bathe small children! I am blessed to have yellow, iron-filled water to clean our skin! Praise You Lord for my boys having a room to share and become more connected! Thank You for them staying up late and talking! May these issues that are constantly being put in front of me, be used to clear out even more unhealthy thoughts and ways inside me. I'm thankful for knowing healthy reactions to unhealthy situations, and having to pt them to use will mold me into a stronger, Godly woman. Thank you Lord for this past year of difficulty with Grace and it becoming second nature to reply calmly and directly! Praise the Lord for learning to live in such a small space to free us from being tied down to a mortgage payment! Thank You for knowing the struggle of the importance of relationship over things, tidiness and having my way!
I don't normally take cautious in my writing, but because my life is so intimately intertwined with others, I have held off on journaling over many of the past weeks. I want nothing then to be transparent and for Lord to use my struggles to touch others. This internal struggle has led to my bottling of many feelings. An eruption of emotions is never far beyond the surface and the struggle of shutting down lurks around every corner for me. I long for a purpose, a plan, a great hope. My privacy, routine and familiar views are non-existent. As a friend asks my views and revelation about something being laid on her heart to ponder, I find myself empty of anything in the spiritual department to offer. I am self-absorbed and needy, cowering at outside stimuli, like one of those potato bugs that turns into a ball when you touch or poke it. Kate describes this feeling: "I listened to the pointless chatter; at the time it all seemed so shallow. I would often sit with a glazed look in my eyes trying to remember when I actually thought any of those topics worthy of that much discussion. I was usually too tired to comment."
2 comments:
Way to think positive! Like, thank heavens we aren't living in our car, and (my favorite when I get really down,) I have never had a child die, I could think of nothing worse. Money, cars, houses would mean nothing compared to that! We have been on the laid off merry-go-round more than once, we are on our 5th ride right now, and you just have to keep thinking positive or you will spiral down to a deep dark place and then who will hold the family together? You know we girls are the glue and when B gets a job and all is kinda normal just plan on running away from home for a weekend, week, month, whatever, to refresh your spirit! I just want Brad to get a job so I can get my fake nails back on and a pedicure, I've really lowered my standards. :>
Still praying for you! I know how the waiting can seem meaningless, purposeless and not getting you where you ultimately want to go! Praying that God gives you the grace to walk this path each day. We love you! (and are praying you move closer this way after all-we have our own selfish prayers too!)
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