Fear is Haunting

It's on rare occasion that I have time to think and process, none-the-less, write about how I'm feeling. But with a recent trauma, only a day past, I find myself needing a place to debrief. Talking is nice, but those deep feelings only seem to emerge when I delve in and let words flow on paper. Yesterday morning Brian phoned and in a calm voice, informed me that Jonah had been found in the locker room at school, unconscious. My first response was disbelief, as I asked Brian, "are you kidding?" I'm not even sure why I would ask that - what a cruel joke. Obviously, my mind could not wrap around it, the context of such news. I hung up and hurriedly gathered Grace to make the trek to the school. My thinking was jumbled, tears flowed, prayerfulish words emerged, and visions of how he got there filled my mind. Driving without a care for things so petty such as laws, we arrived and found where Jonah was placed - in a book room on a bench. My first thought was to assess him, I hugged and teared, glad to have him in my sights. I didn't realize how out-of-it he still was. We tried to obtain some of the story, he had no memory of ANYTHING. It was told to us that he had had an altercation with a student. I felt shame of some sort, as if this was his own doing. Brian objected to the behavior described by the aggressor, I objected silently, but too worried of coming across as the blinded parent, I remained quiet. Facts began to emerge, Jonah was unprovokingly assaulted by a student who was admittedly have a "bad day." The blame began to shift to the aggressor and Jonah's name was freed of wrongdoing. I'm struggling to undo the shame, I hope he can. The CT scan results were positive, no bleeding, no damage. The concussion will run its course and symptoms may last for weeks. The feeling of not being somewhere where my son was completely vulnerable will not go away. I re-play his falling to the ground over and over. I wonder how it happened and think about each scenario, they all end with his 130 pound body and all 6 feet 1 1/2 inches falling hard to the ground - head hitting with gusto and no one there to help. No teacher was present, no friend who noticed the discussion going poorly, no one catching the fact that my son was about to be thrown, pummeled, jumped, elbowed...and land with a crash on the basketball floor. I don't feel anger toward this student, mostly compassion - wanting him to find help for his chaotic life that led him to release great rage and anger on my unsuspecting and kind son. I feel resentment when I twinge with worry each time Jonah gets up to use the bathroom and sways and steadies himself. As I have hurried to catch him so he didn't fall backwards, and planned where he would sleep so he was close to us in case of a middle of the night need, I felt sadness. Something was taken from me, from us, and especially from Jonah - an innocence. The ability to have a normal conversation with classmates and even disagree about something as senseless as a computer type and not worry it may end in violence. I'm not sure if it was something about Jonah that particularily cheesed this person off? Was it Jonah's confidence, his seemingly simplistic life, his athleticism, the fact that he is kind and well liked? I can't know. I've come to the conclusion that it probably wasn't about Jonah, he was likely the guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. If not Jonah, it would have been someone else. The next guy who dared to to disagree or cast a look. Did it happen to us for a purpose? Is our response of grace important? I can't know. Please don't hit my child. Please don't displace your rage and anger on my hard working, kindhearted, caring, son. Not only did it hurt him physically and emotionally, it has left a scar on those who love him. Fear is haunting. Fear knows there is no controlling life. You are offered God's grace to endure what you are handed. Just enough.