Everything that is NOT for us (sarcasm included)

Thank you God, for showing us everything that is not for us. There are so many things that are not God's best for us and they are all being revealed. In a sarcastic tone, I have to think this way, or I'll fall apart. Knowing we must be getting closer to whatever His plan is for us, I try to focus, but it is much easier to let myself whine and go to the dark side. No matter how I try to convince myself things could be much worse (and they could) it still becomes a battle to see the blessings and joy. My son said, Mom, "you never smile" and truly, I find it difficult to as things are whirling around my mind of all the stresses, details and choices we have to make that will affect ours and our children's lives forever. It is not fun to be an adult sometimes!
We attended our missions church, Valley Fourth, that we went to China with, on Sunday. They had a special adoption Sunday celebration and hearing the families that stepped out and took the risk to adopt's stories was truly inspirational. We do not know if that chapter of our lives is closed, but it did remind me of the things that have been impossible since Brian's job loss. The choices you get to choose from are much less and many things are decided for you when you don't have the finances. The final nail in the coffin seems to have come today, a couple that we travelled with to China, took a position as house parents for the older children at PHF, something that we had discussed and talked about with Tim Baker, the Director. Brian reminded me, this job is a better fit for them as they do not have their own children to tend to and can place all attention on the orphans, and I realize this to be true. Yet another lead that is not God's best and plan for our lives! I know, I know, I know! I've been a believer too long to not know the pat answers...but it still feels yucky. I need something amazing to happen. I need to see the rainbow after the storm, at least a glimpse. My hope is fading and disappointment seems to be commonplace. I write all this, not for pity, but so that when our miracle comes, I'll be able to look back and remember where we've come from! Oh, and Brian officially got laid-off today! (The dirt, covering the nail in the coffin) Now he is released from feeling pulled between job searching and continuing to try to make the impossible happen, loans in this economy. A little going-away-present from Golf Savings (a Sterling Savings subsidiary), our benefits end today also! Thanks for your years of service and the financial gain you've made for us....by the way, don't let the door hit you, where the good Lord split you! We love you Golf!!!! (Yes, bitterness and more sarcasm)

"Plans for a hope and a future"

I always feel the need to "purge" when I'm struggling. I think in writing, if that makes sense? Things come to me in "book" format, then it quickly leaves, so if I don't write it down, I loose half of my growth that happens! We are heading into one of those ...for better OR WORSE times in our married lives! The time when you have to struggle to remember the cute things your spouse used to do and when the real work begins. Everyone has those times and has to make a decision to toil through it. Since I can only speak for myself, not having financial security has caused a fear reaction within me. As a stay-at-home Mom, I am unable to remedy this problem and am in complete submission and mercy to my husband. This is not a place I am comfortable, nor enjoy, nor do with much grace! Without going into gory detail, everything we have worked for is at risk of being lost. I do not say this in a dramatic way, but as our reality. We have sold most things that are not of basic use, or compelling sentiment. We have empty rooms in our large home, a for sale sign in our yard and idea where we're heading. We received an offer on our house, and although there are many hoops to make this sale a reality, we are literally standing on a ledge. We are tossed between moving our family to California to be near family and pursue a bigger job market and staying where we've been for 15+ years with friends, church, kids' school and lives and everything we've ever known.
Ok, I said what we don't have, here's what we do have: a roof over our heads, food to fill us, friends who are praying and blessing us, family who has offered to support us and take us in, clothes that keep us warm, heat, vehicles for transportation, ours and our kids' health, access to Doctors if we're sick and medicine to rid illness, a marriage of 14 years, a beautiful family with 3 amazing children, memories of joy and fun, clean water to drink, a phone to take calls from our mortgage company, a God who loves us and promises hope and a future. **A verse moment: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I'm sure there is much more, my shallowness to realize, proves my state right now. Off to put my treasures to bed, tonight is my night, as my daughter so happily reminds me!