Hope does not disappoint

I have been dealing with fear of discouragement. Now if that isn't worrying about worrying, I don't know what is?! So tonight, as I met with my blessed friend, Angie, when she prayed for me, she mentioned a scripture that speaks of this exact thing. "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character/and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Key ways to deal with discouragment: 1 Bind Satan and stand firm in the Holy Spirit which reveals Truth. 2 Go to someone strong - to be mentored. 3 Spiritual brother 4. Staying the course. 5 Take care of yourself. 6.Discouragement is often the last tool before the victory. 7. Trust in God

Having hope is great, fear of not having hope is death
Death = Satan

"Where You send us, God, we will Go, You're the answer, we want the world to know."

Last night I couldn't sleep, and I had brilliant things rolling around in my mind, but now that I have a minute to write...it's gone! So today, all new thoughts and whatever the brilliance of yesterday, gone into thin air. Helping Brian prepare to apply for a job that seems to be a perfect fit and allowing myself to feel those emotions is a big step in my own health. In our whole process, the unknown is somewhat the most difficult. "Should we stay or should we go?"
Sunday's have become tough days for me. Throughout the week, life distracts me, but Sunday morning, it's no one but God and I. As we begin to worship through music, the lyrics of songs begin to break me down. I find I can raise my hands in praise and agreement with the words, but with tears streaming, and my heart hurting, I cannot sing out the words.

Blessed Be Your Name by The Newsboys
"Blessed be Your name In the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name When I'm found in the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name."

Surrender by Lincoln Brewster
"I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within. I lay it all down for the sake of you my King. I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights. I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life. And I surrender, all to You, all to You. And I surrender all to You, all to You. I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross. And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss. For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name. To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain. And I surrender, all to You, all to You."

Awesome Is The Lord Most High by Chris Tomlin
"Great are You, Lord Mighty in strength. You are faithful. You will ever be. We will praise You, all of our days. It's for Your glory, we offer everything. Raise your hands, all you nations. Shout to God all creation, how awesome is the Lord most high. Where You send us, God, we will go. You're the answer, we want the world to know. We will trust You, when You call our name. Where You lead us, we'll follow all the way. We will praise You together, now and forever. How awesome is the Lord most high. Hallelujah!Hallelujah! How awesome is the Lord most high!

These are the cries of my heart when looking at God's face. Not what my flesh wants, for the flesh wants whats easy. The verse that God's placing on my heart is Matthew 19:24 "...it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." A rich man, I am not, but that is not the point. Everything that was written in the Bible was written to me, for me, so I must gain what I can. God is telling me, money, things, financial security can overtake my ability to serve Him and be effective for the Kingdom. Wealth can work against God's ultimate purpose. I don't believe that rich means only above a 6 income figure, we are all rich (rich in pennies as my son says). These things take a spot in front of our mission for God and this is what concerns God.
So ends the thoughts of the day! And again, my heart revealed, so engage gently. Good Night.

Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining!

Yesterday, Brian, aka, Daddy, was cristened by the beloved Grace! Not maybe the typical initiation, but one none-the-less! She was having a tantrum, and in her anger, pee'd on Brian. You've heard the saying we always hurt the ones we love? Brian, consider yourself loved! And, welcome to my life!

Day 2 with 6 - wait, 7!

Whew, quite a long day, day # 2 with 6 kids - and today, I add my 3 year old to ease the pain of Dad and enabling her missing out on the 9:00a.m. Flag Football game of brothers, tomorrow morning. I'd like to identify the exact age between loving the bathing, to looking at it with great disdain, to never thinking you need another one, and then back to (my favorite) just try to get them out of the shower and have any hot water left in the tank!?! I just don't get: Warm Water, Soap, Clean...what's so bad about that?
Our house went up on the market today, so we thought there was a chance it would be shown, and so begins the crazy clean-friskiness. I have no idea where we would go if it sells quickly. So, that could be a problem.
I am having difficulty processing the limited information I've gotten from Jeff & Kim. I've heard the "it's not good," but I also know of miracles and cancers that are healed without any explanation! I've had a difficult time relating this trauma to me and how to relate it my me, my family and how would I feel. The empathy part is difficult because I really have nothing to compare it to. When I talked to my friend today, I admitted that the biggest anger I might feel would be that my kids' mother would be taken away! That thought gets to the center of my heart. If it were Brian sick, I would grieve my friendship, partner, always there to talk and communicate. I mentioned prior that I am an only child and something about being alone so much of your childhood, pushes me in the direction of wanting to be around people.
Tomorrow, Ben & Angie are taking the kids & I up to Green bluff for pumpkins and adventure. They are so excited! I miss both Carters, Football Game, & Jonah's, Soccer Game tomorrow, but it is for a good cause and it will be fun for all of us! TTFN

Please Pray for Jeff & Kim and Family

Our very close family friends, Jeff & Kim have had a tumultous past 2 weeks, from finding out Kim has breast cancer, to this morning, finding that it has spread, through her lymph nodes, ovaries & pelvis. We don't know any details, accept that this caught all of us off guard. They will be spending some time this weekend to process and be together. Please pray for a miracle. She is a friend, sister, wife, daughter and mother of seven. Here is a picture of seven smiling faces who need their Mom, now and in the many years to come!

Surrender and failure

Today has been quite overwhelming. As I sat...and I mean sat, (my back has a severe knife-like pain that if I stand attacks and I cry out in pain)...in church today, the emotion that I have been able to ignore over the past week swelled. Too much, that is what is all comes down to. I know that our path, although difficult and ardous is right. I am assured that this is not punishment, but testing. Testing of my endurance. Today was one of human weakness.

Not only am I physically not able to stand, I am needing to emotionally and spiritually lean on God. Not being able to do things for myself, or my family is a physical kind of torture. Weakness, is never something I do well. I guess I never got over the two-year old, "I'll do it myself" mentality. So, here I sit, needing and not able bodied, probably just how God wants it. Why do I need to learn so many lessons at one time? Pray I get it quickly.
Ok, on to what I am reading - More "Chasing Daylight" by Edwin McManus, one of the best books I've ever read! I finished my last post talking about surrender, something that Angie and I talked through our last coffee/accountability hours. Here's a few of my favorite quotes/most challenging considerations: "The greater that moment's opportunity, the greater the risk. The moment in which we have the most to gain is also the moment we have the most to surrender." The word surrender is so beautiful because it rejects loosing. It rejects failure. Living for God can appear like toiling in vain (I love my thesaurus).
Now, McManus adresses what is within the realm of success, or things that God deems acceptable, worth our doing. He states, " we are commended to do whatever as long as it reflects the heart and character of God." Philipians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."
We spend so much time worrying if what we desire is under God's tiny umbrella of "His will." The truth may be more obvious than we've ever been led to believe? "In Paradise God gave man one no in the midst of an endless yes. Just one bad option and absolute freedom to choose from all the good as he preferred. Many times when we claim we are waiting on God, He is wating on us." We have been conditioned to believe that inside of God's will we will be safe. "We do not begin to live risk-free, but instead become free to risk." How many of us, or how much of what we do appears to be a failure? Does Satan cloud our minds and those who surround us with judgement based on human experiences and models? The ought-to's and should's? "Failure is closely related to risk , which is closely related to success." It all comes down to our ability, or inability to see. We have linear sight and thinking, in an infinate Godly plan.
An incident played out at a football game last week. Our son was calling another child gay. It was brought to our attention by a coach and my immediate response was shame and humiliation and judgement. What kind of Christian mother and family would produce a child who uses such grave language? Every parent will question our home, see all of our shortcomings and inabilities. I forget that maybe they have all recently had this same issue. I hear a three year old at Jonah's soccer game say "crap" and I laugh! Into time-out he goes, but it sickly speaks to my heart that I am not the most horrible mother ever.
I am posting a few pictures because I have neglected and blogs always look cuter with pictures! One of Jonah playing soccer, one of Carter playing football, Grace, eating cherrios like a dog because she had mittens on and it was insanely cold, and frankly, she could!

Life with Purpose

I have so many things rolling through my mind, I feel the need to "purge" some of it and give it a place to rest...therefore, I blog! Besides our own chaos with our home being ripped apart to clean and pack, two of our closest friends have gone through, and are going through some enormous storms. My friend and accountability partner, Angie's youngest son "K" was rushed to the ER and into surgery with a folded intestine. We were all scared and in spite of the unknowns and possibilities for huge problems, he sustained the surgery great, a portion of the intestine was removed, stitched and two days later, he is being weaned off of meds, the cath. and on the road to complete recovery! Praise God! Other friends of ours, are faced with probably one of the biggest events in their life, thus far. Kim was diagnosed with breast cancer, 3 tumors, travelled to the nodes, and will require, chemo., surgery and radiation. Tomorrow she has a port placed to begin the first of her many chemo's required to stop and shut down these rogue cells. People are always too young, and too healthy and have too many kids and things that depend on them, but cancer and bad things don't care to avoid them. Jeff & Kim have 7 kids, ages 17-5, and she is "too young" and "too busy," but cancer doesn't care about circumstances! And so, they deal, and fight and pray! We also heard from the leader of our China missions trip, Steve, who is returning to China in a few weeks with a different team. He found that his Visa was denied and he is not able to enter China! He is resubmitting and completing an explanation letter and again, we pray! My first reaction is: Wow, Satan is sure busy.
As I re-read through one of my favorite books, "Purpose Driven Life," statements that I underlined many years ago, catch my attention. Statements like: "...you don't get to choose your purpose." Whether its to the ped's ICU staff, the oncologist, or people you come into contact with everyday? "God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes."
Next lesson, more applicable to where we are: "Self worth and net worth are not the same." "Purpose always produces passion. Purpose focuses your life. It concentrates your effort and energy on what's important. People who don't know their purpose try to do too much. If you can't get it all done, it means you're trying to do more than God intended for you to do." And one of my favorites: "Never confuse activity with productivity."
At this moment of disorder, I feel productive. I/We have a goal and are moving towards a purpose. One that shakes everything we've called stability and God's faithfulness before. Where you feel you're following God's commands because you're being blessed on this road. This is different, this is being blessed as I move down the path of uncertainty and what may seem like misfortune to this world. Hmm, they must not have been faithful...look how God is cursing them. Leaving a large house, an amazing community, a supportive church, more friends than we could ever dream, surely this is a consequence for our sin. Whomever is faithful with a little will be given much, replays in my mind over and over...I'm my best critic, my best interrogator and judge! But God says, "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you a hope and a good future." Jeremiah 29:11 and so, "We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18 "This world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it." 1 Peter 2:11
For those who read this, this is not a sermon, this is a journal. This is where my heart is right now. These are the principles that God is trying to teach me, AGAIN. Maybe in a new way, maybe with deeper meaning, but probably, just Again because I didn't get it the first 10 times.
My first thought in hearing that Steve may not be able to lead the team to China, "Brian should go!" Maybe this is part of this enormous plan I don't understand? He's Available! My Mom mentioned this and made me say it out-loud, for I had kept it to myself when it had crossed my mind! SSsssshhhh! God certainly wants me to go too, I think selfishly! Philippians 2: 3-5 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider to hers better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." And so I stand corrected and mention this to Brian. He confirms that it too had entered his thoughts. It makes complete sense and absolutely no sense, both at the same time. It probably won't even come to it, but I'm learning that God is sometimes more interested in knowing our heart when the poo-hits-the-road, rather than us making pious statements of what we would do if the situation would ever present itself, knowing in our safety that it won't. Will you sell the Suburban, the Lord asks of me? No thanks, there must be better ways. Let's think rational, into the future with two old cars, instead of at least one luxury vehicle. I am pressed more and more to consider giving up my leather interior, dual position seats, expanded seating and of course, safety features, snow reliability. Of course it makes the most sense to keep it. But God's question was "will you give it up?" I sat in crummy old minivans with no accessories and pouted. God's not even asking me to give up my life, only my convenience and I'm a huge baby and have to think about it! I'm guessing I won't be first pick on God's team of Dodge ball. "She whines too much." "That girl needs to toughin' up some."
W H A T!! she screams, show me my path! Oh yeah, back to the story, I get her (the car) cleaned up in all her glory and get her on CraigsList. We get a few calls, nothing we really entertain that would better our position and feel that it has all been a play to reveal motives and ability to sacrifice. One more thing: The minute I did surrender the Suburban, nothing ever came about to close the deal. I still drive my cush Suburban, but know that God's only going to ask me once next time and my answer'd better be a quick YES. Anyway, where can all my books, scrap booking supplies fit, if I can't fill it in my Burban'? News Flash, It's Not About Me!

Pray, Step in Faith, Pray

Here's a synopsis of our last days. 1) Brian's job continues to look bleak and dives quickly into a dry desert. 2) We get an initial response from the adoption agency, regarding Mei Mei. It's all positive to move forward with her adoption. 3) The realization that the home we have far surpasses our "needs." 4) Reality of the job market in our city.
We have cried and prayed over the next life defining decisions we will have to make concerning our family. As of now, we are praying specific dates and finance amounts in order to confirm staying in Spokane, but have our sights set on moving to be closer to family and begin new in a different market. So many things have pressed us over the past year. The strength built from our trip to China, our faith in trusting God's desire to give us our hearts' desires. Please pray with us on bringing forth God's best for our family. Our Pastor shared that he is "fighting for us." To know that our friends, our supporters, are "fighting" in prayer on our behalf. Wrestling to define what He has for us, is more than we could ever ask for. Ultimately, this may look like God, has failed us. That we have failed ourselves. All the what haves, should have nots, if just, we could have know...well...we are addressed on a need to know basis. Frankly, we just don't need to know...we just need to pray, step in faith, pray some more.
We spoke to our kids about this synopsis, this afternoon, after school. The general shock tore at their security and cojnfidence. Beginning with tears and shock, ending in discussion, the things we will loose, but the things we will gain! Who knows, maybe all this is less about me and my comfort, but more an infomfortatble feeling, this freeing allows an agenda to move where God calls.