Strangely Confident?!

...this is the theme of Angie and my's accountability morning! There are times that we receive clarity and instruction and then, there's the rest of our lives! To say the least, we've been in a trial above all others. After a conversation with my sweet Angie last week, I was challenged to pursue a passion that has been erupting for the past few years. B and I had a conversation that surprised me and I realized that we were both in a place to begin taking a giant leap of faith. I do not feel confirmed in sharing this road as of yet, as God is asking us to place this at His feet, not run ahead & not take over the reigns. Patience is always that nasty lesson that is torturous in life. I got my huge dose of patient-learning when we made the decision to begin trying for our 3rd child. Fertility is not something that runs in my family (I am an only child) and we had to utilize fertility drugs to become pregnant with our firstborn and trying for #3 was more of the agony that we'd endured, only worse. This time, Clomid was not helping encourage my body to listen to the hormonal responses that needed in order to occur to conceive. We moved forward in the fertility regimen, beginning with injections, blood draws, & Ultrasounds. Things can only move so quickly when your dealing with the body and this becomes painfully apparent when ones body is not cooperating. Each month ended with discouragement, pain, frustration, anger, sadness and questioning. After we decided not to pursue further fertility treatments, I knew I wanted to add to our family and that the next option was adoption. We looked into the Foster-to-adopt program, but felt that our hearts could not bear further pain and uncertainty. I found an international program through Columbia that delighted my heart and became fixated on getting an infant through this means. B was not on board, yet. I rammed my way through, taking the lead in fulfilling my desires. I've since learned that when both spouses are trying to control, row and lead the canoe, it doesn't go well and even with the best on intentions, you end up crashing into the shore and many trees and shrubs (Yes, this is a metaphor, but also an actual experience where I gained valuable clarity!) Although I do believe that many times, the woman, made in God's sensitive likeness, may receive a message from God before her husband, she must endure the wait. As Dr. Phil states, "You've got the tail waging the dog." Just a side note, this is all being said from the woman who had a picture of the US Supreme Court Justices picture hanging on my wall in college, with my head glued onto a body because I had lofty and feministic ideas about my life and future! Dragging a man behind you is not God's best and perfect plan and usually ends in failure of some kind. The time frame between deciding I wanted a baby and receiving our daughter was approximately 4 years, all said and done. The 2 years between filling out our adoption application and flying to China to get Grace, was some of the longest, agonizing time I've spent. But, I did learn that if I can wait that long for a reward that if far more amazing than I could have ever imagined, patience must be a part of God's sweet fruits that I desire. All that to say, I have been given a glimpse of what our future may hold and a momentary view of why we've had to endure this struggle and I think it just may be worth it! As I wrestle with things like, caution, realistic expectations, lofty thoughts of grandeur and failure, I pray that He is leading me.