"call me immediately"

We had an incident of monumental proportion... I am home, recovering from a cold, trying to move, well...at all, but preferably, forward. The day-ahead seems unsuspecting, then I receive a phone call from the school. It is 10:26 and my son who I've assumed was in class, is not. He has not shown up for school at all today. What? Huh? I had sent him off to youth group with his brother, and then he'd been driven to school. In the moment, slowness, shock and disbelief ensued. I hung up with the school, and thought. Where should that first call go, with precious moments passing. Realizing my son had a phone, I dialed his number...no answer...I probably dialed again. Then I text-ed, "call me immediately" - I dialed his best friend's mom to see if she had seen him. I receive a text back from him..."I'm fine at my friends house" Emotions flood me. Relief, disbelief, fear, but mostly afraid that I'm starting to lose him, that this person I have known, I suddenly don't. It's really the first time this good hearted, and extremely impulsive child has caused me to think his actions may have been premeditated. This is important because I have to know who and what I'm dealing with. I drive up to the house where he's harbored, he comes out immediately...I speak words I barely remember, truthfully not sure what to say, but pretty sure they'd better be harsh and meaningful. We ride to school, I deliver him to the office, shaking. I remember to ask for his one care...his phone, and leave in tears. I return in an hour, calmer, and visit with the Principal who has discussed the gravity of this with my son. She talks, I listen, for about 45 minutes. All I really want to know, is, "how did this happen?" I resolve to let him approach me and not lecture. It takes every bit of shelf control to accomplish doing nothing! He finally says he's ready to discuss the event. I just want to know where his heart is at. It's all that really matters. We discover it was impulsive. A classmates suggestion and an impulsive decision to walk away. In one moment, so much can change. Teaching is difficult, experiencing pain with your children is torturous! It pains me to my soul. I love this child from places I can't even name. He is a part of me, like a branch and even though he's separate, I can still feel his pruning. It is sharp and like the loss of my own limb.

Blessed to battle

Have you ever realized that life is work? I blame that on Eve. The most basic of things requires battle. I am mostly talking about relationship, specifically, marriage. We have been married almost 19 years and fighting for a great marriage requires true determination. This is not a confession of relational discord, merely an acknowledgement of the endurance, strength, and the fight it is to keep it. I may have said this before, but I realize that life in not a gentle stroll uphill. It doesn't start at the bottom and go up from there. It is up, down, up, down, down-some-more, plateau, down-even-further and then truly UP! (Thank God the end of the journey is not merely death!) Choosing to journey and traverse life with someone complicates life. "It's complicated," can be both bad and good. I'm blessed to share it alongside Brian, but it does take work. Our treasured friends are battling cancer, alongside of life. I imagine staring sickness in the face while continuing to do kids, meals, marriage, work...must take a strength beyond. I wonder if there's guilt when relationship is tough in the midst of illness? I think I should appreciate more and criticize less, I really want to feel as blessed as I am. I don't want to lose in order to realize. I've had and lost and unfortunately, it wasn't until I lost that I got it! I know that, and yet, how do you get it while you have it? My answer is always GOD, sometimes its like a Sunday-school question...the answer is always Jesus! LORD, help me to experience the blessings I already have. Humble my heart to feel choose, to be thankful and grateful for the gifts you have given me in the now.

Wisdom revealed...or Arrogance Defined?

Our family has been watching, "The Bible," produced by Mark Burnett & Roma Downey, on the History channel. I am usually not a fan of productions that claim to be biblically/historically accurate. They make me nervous. However, a recommendation from our Pastor, bent me enough to feign interest. The kids (boys, Grace goes to bed too early) were excited for it's unraveling and it has become something we look forward to on Sunday nights together. I admit I follow-along in my bible, reading aloud the details omitted and partially to make sure of its authenticity. We have learned and gathered great information! In the most recent episode, the Story of Jesus was shown and I was caught off guard by my skepticism. Putting myself into the shoes of those who actually experienced Jesus in the flesh, I now have a better understanding for their pause in accepting Him. As I've lived life, I've been tricked, duped, and flat-out lied-to by people. I enter new beliefs with careful data collection and consideration. This can be wisdom revealed, or arrogance defined?! I'm not sure which. The church we now attend, (for about a year and 1/2) seems to hit GRACE hard. Watching Jesus, instead of reading it, gave me a new perspective of His Grace upon sinners. I am challenged to open up even more to GRACE. Judgement is not mine. (Our Pastor in CA once said, "but I'm so good at judgement, it's one of my gifts"...) That was a joke! Sadly, we could all state that jokingly and it still remains truth. LORD, if my skepticism is keeping from Your Truth, please reveal it to me.

I am holey and need Your rays.

I have been thinking about how to locate my heart. Obviously, not physically, but I notice that music and writing seem to have a direct access. I struggle in feeling less-than honest when speaking to people and not sharing every detail of my feelings, but have found myself burnt by living that way. Honesty comes naturally for me. I'm not sure why or even when I developed this heart to share? My worldview and therefore how I live, (too much Core 350) really surrounds the fact that too many people waste valuable time faking it. So much effort is placed on "looking" good and pulled-together. It just feels like lying to me, and I really feel it from the heart, not out of judgement for others. It's just not who I am. I have received so much blessing from hearing the stories of others. Living this life alone is unbearable. In high school, I think I did not share my true story with people. This bold, overly-busy to avoid pain, teenager emerged. She was dedicated in sports, if not consumed. I needed to be good and stand out and where I found that was boys, sports and friends. I'd be curious to know how people interpreted me. Maybe desperate, maybe confident, maybe neither? That person is not at all, who I am now. I am quite shy, just realizing...insecure really. I called it perfectionist, but recently (actually yesterday) it dawned on me that not having grace for yourself is another way to describe being insecure! Working the past 6 months has helped define just how inadequate I am. Working has a way of bringing your deficiencies right-out! Also, with less time to emotionally meet the needs of my family, my lacking is also brought to my attention at home. I am just me. I am learning to embrace myself, realizing more and more how needing I am of a Savior. I am not what I once thought, I am able to see more holes and frankly, it points me to Christ. LORD, shine your Glory through my holes. May YOUR rays be enough for my family and my job.