It's a S L O W process

This month is one of celebrations & days that mark the road map of life for our family. The 21st, is the date we received Gracyn in China! It is a day that we remember the blessing and miracle of adoption. It has become tradition to watch her "Gotcha Video," that Brian created from the video and still shots we took while in China. It is emotional to watch and truly brings the amazement and awe we experienced while on our journey to add a precious child to our family. August also marks the month we returned from California, back to Spokane, after a year-and-a-half of shear "desert" for our family. Even as I write that, I hesitate to say desert, because as we get further and further from the rawness of the experience, the actuality becomes more clear to me. It was torturous, it was bring-me-to-my-knees crap, but I do see and am able to realize God, His hand, His blessings, in the midst. I hate that it was what is was. I hate the way it had to be done...but I am better for it and through it. I have perspectives I never had, I am grateful for the S L O W moving blessings of re-building, as they come...& I am at Peace. I began a new job, two days ago! It is a step in the healing journey of the past years. It is my dream job and I plan on being there forever! Coming to this job encompasses many small steps, nudges from God really, that led me to the experience and courage I needed to seek and receive. I've been a stay-at-home-mom for 13.5 years and frankly, no one was knocking down my door to employ me. Although I'm confident in my abilities and drive, I did not have relevant experience to even begin working in an area that may match my passions. About 10 months ago, probably actually 11...during the first weeks of a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class, Brian and I were instructed to create a budget. We were still reeling from the financial disaster of Brian loosing his job, years before, trying to balance 3 young kids who were not in school full-time and meeting the obligations and reality of the income required to support a family of five. After seeing the numbers, we knew one of us had to work an evening job. We both applied, agreeing that the first one to get an offer would accept. (I was fairly motivated, knowing 24-hour single-parenting was probably not my spiritual gift!) I received an offer for a catering company and began immediately. The job grew and grew, they gave me raises and promoted me and soon I was working most, and then, ALL weekends. I did enjoy the work, coordinating weddings and events, however, I was missing kids' concerts, soccer games, and life. It is probably the single most thing that helped create a greater bond between Grace and Brian (she mostly depended upon me for her needs and wants) and had many positives, but it began wearing me thin. Physically, being on my feet for 8-10 hours was brutal and I began to hear God's soft voice to search for a job at Whitworth. So many seeds had been planted to direct me to Whitworth, so many years before even, but it was time. I interviewed for a position and was not offered the job, but told to continue seeking. (Thank goodness for the personal decline phone-call and affirmation, or I may have quit trying.) Many months later I applied, interviewed, hoped & prayed...and it was to be. Brian is still interviewing...we are still on the quest to know what God has in-store for him. It is S L O W progress, but it is a road I'd never had traveled if it weren't for God and His Ways, but It. Is. Good. And, for today...I am at Peace in God's hands, knowing He led me, He promises me the best and life is a journey, not a destination.

Yikes, the blogger format changed! Guess I should write more if I want to be in-the-loop! Life seems to be steadying up a bit for us. As the waves of the storm seem to be lessening, it becomes easier to get through weeks without feeling like I'm at the end of my rope. Time goes by quicker, smoother, and I notice myself sad over the loss of my kids being little and wanting to savor each moment more. It really is as if we chugged up the roller coaster and the downhill ride is but a moment in time. One of the biggest things I've reflected upon lately is that the answer to our problems, we "know" is best is not always so. I have been working with an Event & Wedding company for 7 months and I was sure me returning to work would not only stunt our children, but would involve me kicking and screaming every time I had to work. I actually like my job, enjoy the differences and youth that I primarily work with and have learned so much about myself and being a leader in the past months! It has challenged me in ways being at home never could. My employer has increased my pay twice and promoted me to Wedding & Event Coordinator, something, I never imagined I'd be. I primarily work at high-end corporate, political & private home events and have met many leaders in our community. My sphere of influence is greatly larger and I'm sure it was God's plan all-along, despite my whining, complaining & refusal. It was a process for me and fear of the unknown definitely held me still. Change is scary, it has it's bumps and bruises, for sure. I'm content in my life and frankly, too busy to fixate in the area's that still frustrate me. Being a Mom to a teenager has also brought a share of change. It is not easier as they get older! It takes more investigating, more diligence and a calmer spirit than I currently have. My 13 year old is an amazing "button pusher." He must score in the brilliance level in this area & quite high in attitude also! We're so proud! Combating this attitude is a skill I've yet to figure out, I continue to let it rile me up and, man does it happen fast. If boys are easier as teenagers, I don't know how I'll manage Grace! I know that time and failure will teach me and I've handed over much parenting to Brian. The Dad's touch seems to work better. Something about my emotions and those of a teenage, hormone raging teen-age boy, seem to create a reaction of scientific proportion. (He's probably way too much like me!) I feel like I've conquered a dragon of epic per-portion over the past years and I hope that the next few give me pause and stability....just sayin'...but not really expectin' it to be so!

Looking for the boat, not the Rescuer!

Often when much time lapses between posts it is because most of what I have to say is negative and frankly I don't want to be negative and I really don't want a permanent record of my negativity! So as I return to public emotional sharing, I am cautious what, and when, I write. I find myself wondering if David felt this way when writing the Psalms? The ones that I read when I can only wallow in sadness and I'm not strong enough to read about hope and joy. Thank goodness God can meet us in the valley and on top of the mountain!
This past month has taken me into depths that seem grim and are uninviting. Ones that are lonely and where I've felt hopelessness. I know that Satan loves to usher me into these hidden rooms, filled with darkness, despair and shame. I try to talk myself out of feeling this way, however, it is often like using a spoon in a mile-wide hole. I do know that talking about how I feel, ALWAYS makes me feel better. I am relational by nature and so usually it is the first place I go when I'm feeling low, but occasionally, when these waves that make me tumble under the water's surface and gasp for breath, come, talking is the last thing I can do. It is really as if I literally can not muster the strength to speak. When I finally lean into my precious friends and open-up, relief comes bursting through, usually instantaneously. Turning on the light spooks away the shadows, the unknown and the cowardly devil who lurks about, waiting to devour me.
I am so prone to sin it's ridiculous! I am knowingly ungrateful and on top of that, guilt ridden for it. I am beginning to understand how sin leads to death if not kept in check. What doesn't get you coming, surely will going! All this to say, while this life if brutal and I surely don't make it any easier, it continues, and I grow just a smudge through each battle. I am having to learn not to be lead by emotions. They ebb & flow way too much. I find myself in the deepest holes, when I become too eager too quickly. When a tiny spark and glimmer of hope is inflated to my life preserver and then turns out to be.....A ROCK. Maybe if my desperation is for God and not a fix to my trials, I'll find less emotional upheaval when things don't turn out the way I hope or the way I've constructed God's will. I've been addicted to looking for the rescue boat, not the Rescuer! I feel like God is saying, "I'm Right Here!" and my response is, "Who are you sending to save me?" I'm not a fan of this unveiling because I'm a doer. Submitting to God is not about doing and I don't like things I'm not good at.
God, thank you for revealing my sin as I write this. I do not like it, but I accept your correction and dive into Your Grace. Help me to see You, My Rescuer!

Don't Ever Quit!

Today is one of those days where you just throw up your arms and YELL, "WHY?"

When I was in high school, I ran the 400 meter race in Track. I was rated highly in our district, won most of my events, went to District every year and ran at State all four years for the 1600M Relay and once for the 400 where I placed 6th. (I believe my Relay team may still hold the school record to this day.) My name was embroidered into my Sherwood Bowman warm-up jacket and I loved coming onto the track and knowing my competitors knew who I was! For those of you who are unfamiliar with Track, as a sport, Intimidation Is Necessary!! It can win races!

Confidence overlays where practice, speed, and strategy may fall short. And, yes there is strategy beyond running your fastest for a quarter-of-a-mile.

In our relay team, I always ran first. On a typical team, the quickest runs the final leg, making-up any difference and to WIN. Although, depending on the make-up of our team, I often had the best time, I was not the strongest closer! My great friend, Tiffany was! It did not matter how far she was behind, forcing her to run an all time best....she would GET IT DONE! She had the tenacity, strength and sheer will to overcome. She Always ran our final leg and we knew she would never, ever quit.

Today, we once again, after 2 lengthy interviews, drug-testing, personality testing and hope....hear that a job is not going to be offered to Brian. Did I mention this has taken place over 6 Long months?! We have put ourselves out there over and over for this job. The emotional ups & downs have been lofty....we've nearly given up, and then tried again, during this process. But it is at the end.

I could say, "God's in control," (and He is)! I could say, "It's for the best," but disappointment is the first thing that greets me behind that door. A better description would be: I'm sucked into the house, like oxygen is heaved forward caused by a vacuum effect in a burning building! "WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY??"

And then I remember, "My God is Greater, My God is Stronger, My God is Higher than any other, Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our GOD!" And I take another breath and I Don't Ever Quit, even though I'm sure I'm not able on my own. And God says, "PERFECT," NOW LET ME!"