not now

I have this certain question that keeps plaguing me with anxiousness. Just when I believe that I'm confident of my answer, something, usually a story, book, blog, or real life event occurs that gnaws into my heart and causes me to re-think, or re-submit. It has emerged recently due to, of all things, a garage-sale! We were once again, going through things to purge and share with others and I came upon them, "Gracyn's outgrown clothes!" They haunt and torment me! I/We, do not debate having another biological child (LORD, please do not teach me, Not My Will But Thine, in this way!) However, adoption is and will forever be, a passion & love. How can you possibly have one of the MOST amazing, eye opening experiences in your life and not have your heart remain soft to the opportunity of going through it all again? I continually wrestle with this and desperately beg God for a definite answer. All I can know is my answer for this moment and it is, Not Now. So I quickly re-pose, as if God didn't hear the whole question....not now? not ever? like in 5 years? my quiver is full? what age? china? wouldn't a sister close to grace's age be best? i love the 12-18 month age? we're getting too old! i can't possibly! i can't be done? {I turn into, basically, a badgering 2 year old.}

Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.

Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle!

My reading as of late has included Photography Business & Marketing, thus leaving my head full, but heart a bit empty, so when a friend recommended a great read and company to discuss it, I was in!

I have been missing my California days of an awesome book club that read Fiction Novels together; we discussed them over coffee and even an occasional movie, dinner & phone call with the Author. While looking for small groups at our new church, www.LakesideChurch.com, a book club was presented and although I do enjoy reading, I would hardly call myself an avid-reader. I took the opportunity to meet new people, to be a part of something new, and it turned out that I loved it! Since leaving California and my book club, I have missed the thrill of a good book and better yet, friends to discuss, provoke thought & challenge in my thinking.

"One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp delivers vivid, descriptive, feeling filled writing with the graphic existence that we so often bump-up-against in life. Her story begins with a gripping childhood horror story of her little sister's death in the road outside their rural farm home. Her first memory and the bitter reality of this world's cold truth and it is something we can all relate to. Maybe not death of a sibling, or child, but, LOSS itself. "One Thousand Gifts," is the journey how one woman, mother, sister, friend, searches for meaning and fullness in a dream crushing, world. It's the exploration of "living fully so we are fully ready to die."

And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...{Luke 22:19}

"He gave thanks: reads "Eucharisteo." Charis means "grace," (a name and word close to my heart!) And, Chara, meaning "joy." Joy & Grace, closely intertwined...

Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.

Jesus offered thanks even amidst the most difficult upcoming event and wants us to do the same. "Thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." Communion is about "celebrating greater gain through great loss."

These first two chapters are brutally convicting, a blow to exactly where I stand in pride, argument & disobedience to my God. As I sit in church today, I realize that there are so many things going right in my life. Why is it that the one area that sucks seems to envelop my thinking and seep into and contaminate everything else? In a word, Satan, in another, Sin.

I knew this book was about being thankful, but I didn't realize that it would require such trust and abandon.