While we often talk about China and adoption in our house, this past year in Grace's life, she has become more aware & contemplative. Her questions come more often and she is putting together the pieces and meaning of adoption in her mind.
It broke my heart to know that as she matured, she'd not only hear the amazement side of her adoption story, but also feel the tinge of hurt and experience loss. The Story of GRACE has changed the course of everything! {Doesn't it always!!} Despair in wanting a baby, the HOPE adoption brings and the JOY in the experience is beyond words.
***This song is for GRACE!
THE GIFT (Jim Brickman)
Winter snow is falling down
Children laughing all around
Lights are turning on
like a fairy tale come true.
Sitting by the fire we made
You're the answer when I prayed
I would find someone
and baby I found you.
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
and I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
Watching as you softly sleep
What I'd give if I could keep
Just this moment
if only time stood still.
But the colors fade away
And the years will make us grey
But baby in my eyes
You'll still be beautiful.
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
I can't find the words to say
That I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
Yesterday, we were talking about Cyrus, our Boston Terrier and she asked if he missed his mom. I really felt, we were no longer talking about the dog, but how she may be feeling. I asked her if she missed her China mom...she broke down, tear-eyed and said in her sweet, delicate little voice..."I don't even remember what she looks like."
I held her...
we found a picture of her "Finding Spot," and talked in more detail than we ever had.
She needs to know.
It pains me greatly.
We do not know any specifics, just about the One Child Policy imposed in 1979 and how it has caused many children, many infant girls, to be placed into orphanages.
Because of our belief in GOD, we know that He knew and ordained Grace to be in our family. Even when God's plan come together in miraculous order, there can still be pain.
Grace, I LOVE YOU more and deeper than I ever thought I could experience love. The miracle of you coming to our family only makes me more grateful for you. The color of our skin may be different, our eyes are not the same, but YOU ARE a part of me! I feel your joy & your pain! Our family is not complete without YOU! Thank you GOD for THE GIFT!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Forgetfulness and my Ebenezer stone
I am forgetful! I know this about myself and have tools in-place in my life to compensate for it, but I do still forget. This seems to coincide with human, sinful nature and my relationship with God. This past week, God has literally, placed me where I needed to be (working miraculous to get me there), given me and idea and words to accomplish this task (miraculous enough to MOVE a CEO of a bank to place a personal phone call to my husband about a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I STILL have DOUBT and fear and disbelief!!!! I know...
I am humbled back into God's Word and his arms because I cannot do it on my own. Even the Mac-Daddy of miracles, and I still remain faithless. I found the Old Testament story of the Israelites victory over the Philistines, led by Samuel. How, while they ..."were afraid" (v7) and "They said to Samuel, Do not stop crying out to the LORD our God for us, that he may rescue us from the hand of the Philistines." (v8) and then Samuel offered a sacrifice and cried out to God. "He cried out to the LORD on Israel's behalf, and the LORD answered him." (v9) And after that victory, 12"Samuel took a stone and set it up between Miszpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." 13 So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again."
In the story, I am the Israelites, who continue to not get it! I hear God's voice, strong and clear, I feel God's presence, I feel God's direction, and yet, moments later I stumble. I giggle when I read James 1:23-24, and yet, it suddenly isn't so funny because I find myself doing it. 23 "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." Moments after God has revealed Himself in miraculous ways, I forget.
God, I offer a sacrifice of myself, my pride, my fear, my control, my doubt. I know You are good and that Your timing is not mine, that faith is a moment by moment choice and I choose to believe even though I am fearful and weak. Please increase my faith. I write this as my Ebenezer stone, remembering and commemorating that the LORD helped us.
I am humbled back into God's Word and his arms because I cannot do it on my own. Even the Mac-Daddy of miracles, and I still remain faithless. I found the Old Testament story of the Israelites victory over the Philistines, led by Samuel. How, while they ..."were afraid" (v7) and "They said to Samuel, Do not stop crying out to the LORD our God for us, that he may rescue us from the hand of the Philistines." (v8) and then Samuel offered a sacrifice and cried out to God. "He cried out to the LORD on Israel's behalf, and the LORD answered him." (v9) And after that victory, 12"Samuel took a stone and set it up between Miszpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." 13 So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again."
In the story, I am the Israelites, who continue to not get it! I hear God's voice, strong and clear, I feel God's presence, I feel God's direction, and yet, moments later I stumble. I giggle when I read James 1:23-24, and yet, it suddenly isn't so funny because I find myself doing it. 23 "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." Moments after God has revealed Himself in miraculous ways, I forget.
God, I offer a sacrifice of myself, my pride, my fear, my control, my doubt. I know You are good and that Your timing is not mine, that faith is a moment by moment choice and I choose to believe even though I am fearful and weak. Please increase my faith. I write this as my Ebenezer stone, remembering and commemorating that the LORD helped us.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Divine Appointment
...HE CALLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, now that doesn't mean much because I have not told the rest of the story...so here it goes...
Since taking the job and working events, my schedule takes place in the evenings. Many things happen during our week, being a typical busy family with sports, string and choir concerts, special occasions, biblestudy etc...so my general philosophy has been to let God be in control of making my schedule and request as little off as possible, without missing HUGELY important events in my family.
My middle son had a birthday coming up and I opted not to request the day off, but again, lay it in God's capable hands and make his special day whatever one I wasn't working.
I got my schedule and I was scheduled to work his birthday, we rearranged things so we could do a family celebration the day before and his party was the day after. No Problem (a little guilt though, to be completely honest.) I then received an e-mail from my employer saying that the event had been moved and I'd be off!!
Hurray, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
All was great until I got a call from work, the day before his birthday, asking me to fill in for another event, on that same night. After talking to Brian and feeling at peace, I agreed and was scheduled to work an "In Home," event at a clients personal residence. I soon learned that the party was a formal baby shower and the host was the CEO and Chairman of a local B A N K! (Hmmm) We went to the event, set-up, served, hosted and I prayed that an opportunity may arise for me to make a connection for Brian, in regards to a possible job lead.
The party ended, and while I am a bold writer, I am very shy and professional in person, careful not to mix personal with work. We get ready to leave and the hosts give me a check, as a gratuity. Now, the amount was almost THREE TIMES, any gratuity I had ever received and while my bottom lip hit the floor, I excitedly drove away, praising God for this blessing, especially, in knowing the struggles I had had in working this particular evening.
While driving home and just talking to God about the irony of me being in the CEO of a BANKS house, while we are desperately trying to find my husband a job (with 15 years of finance experience!!) it becomes even clearer that this was a DIVINE APPOINTMENT, set by God and should not be wasted! God continued to impress upon me that I should send the generous amount back, share part of our story, and ask him for something far more valuable....his time.
While I am confident with my own writing ability, this letter was truly God inspired! It was not ME! The words poured out, exuding honesty, vulnerability and asking for something far beyond my wildest dreams...a personal meeting and consideration for a position within his company for my husband.
The letter was sent on Friday, we received a call fourteen days later!! PRAISE GOD! He moved moutains!!
Ok, now that doesn't mean much because I have not told the rest of the story...so here it goes...
Since taking the job and working events, my schedule takes place in the evenings. Many things happen during our week, being a typical busy family with sports, string and choir concerts, special occasions, biblestudy etc...so my general philosophy has been to let God be in control of making my schedule and request as little off as possible, without missing HUGELY important events in my family.
My middle son had a birthday coming up and I opted not to request the day off, but again, lay it in God's capable hands and make his special day whatever one I wasn't working.
I got my schedule and I was scheduled to work his birthday, we rearranged things so we could do a family celebration the day before and his party was the day after. No Problem (a little guilt though, to be completely honest.) I then received an e-mail from my employer saying that the event had been moved and I'd be off!!
Hurray, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
All was great until I got a call from work, the day before his birthday, asking me to fill in for another event, on that same night. After talking to Brian and feeling at peace, I agreed and was scheduled to work an "In Home," event at a clients personal residence. I soon learned that the party was a formal baby shower and the host was the CEO and Chairman of a local B A N K! (Hmmm) We went to the event, set-up, served, hosted and I prayed that an opportunity may arise for me to make a connection for Brian, in regards to a possible job lead.
The party ended, and while I am a bold writer, I am very shy and professional in person, careful not to mix personal with work. We get ready to leave and the hosts give me a check, as a gratuity. Now, the amount was almost THREE TIMES, any gratuity I had ever received and while my bottom lip hit the floor, I excitedly drove away, praising God for this blessing, especially, in knowing the struggles I had had in working this particular evening.
While driving home and just talking to God about the irony of me being in the CEO of a BANKS house, while we are desperately trying to find my husband a job (with 15 years of finance experience!!) it becomes even clearer that this was a DIVINE APPOINTMENT, set by God and should not be wasted! God continued to impress upon me that I should send the generous amount back, share part of our story, and ask him for something far more valuable....his time.
While I am confident with my own writing ability, this letter was truly God inspired! It was not ME! The words poured out, exuding honesty, vulnerability and asking for something far beyond my wildest dreams...a personal meeting and consideration for a position within his company for my husband.
The letter was sent on Friday, we received a call fourteen days later!! PRAISE GOD! He moved moutains!!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
"Follow God & He will change you."
I made an appointment with writing and God today, because although I've prayed and sought Him, I am craving seeing, touching and feeling His Words and Hearing His Voice speak only to me today.
The past months have been relentless, financial burdens have been in-my-face since signing up and attending the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Course through our church! On about week 3 I renamed it..."Financial NOT-Peace," due to the intensity and marital discord being strewn about in it's path! There were moments I questioned everything, I was humbled and broken, mean, fearful...Oh was I fearful! However, my loving and patient husband, held on, pursued me and talked to me, as we began to un-layer the issues. We began to dream, plan and design Hope once again. After being beat and kicked in the face so many times, hope begins to fade, cynicism becomes a good friend, doubt a shadow and FEAR, an unshakable enemy. The Faith and Hope I've known all along becomes dulled and distant, the enemy whispers that those attributes of God are for some, maybe the "best" believers, the privileged...but not for me. So shaking these lies requires valence and confidence....AND GOD! I could never do it...never, never, by myself. "For everyone born of God overcomes the world..."
Slowly, I regain traction, able to hear ever so faintly, the sweet Hope that is Jesus, that He offer's freely to me. It is an outright battle! "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, PUT ON...STAND FIRM...TAKE UP...AND PRAY!" (emphasis added, portions of Ephesians 6:10 - 18)
It is not passive, it is exhausting. I do it for my husband, for my children, for my God and myself, because I know the TRUTH, now I must do it! As I write this, I am not THERE. I have not arrived, but I am fighting. It is bloody, it requires sacrifice and pain, risk beyond where I am comfortable and so much more.
What does it literally look like? I found a job, something I've hated the idea of! Something I've prayed that would not be required because my heart is and has always been to be with my children full-time. I humbly serve at a Catering Company, something I have experience in and allows for flexible evening hours to accommodate our three kids' schedules. Brian sacrifices sleep, by working from 7:00 - 3:00 so he can be available to be home for the kids, cook, clean, laundry, bus & homework the kids while I'm away. We both sacrifice precious time together and relaxation in order to pick up the slack. I've missed soccer game highlights, dinners, communication, even a birthday, to be available to work. Dave Ramsey's motto is, "Live like no one else, so you can Live like no one else," and it is this mantra that get's me through some days. This is not forever, it is for a time.
One of the pivotal beliefs I've struggled with through this is FAITH. When the crap hits the fan, will I cling to knowing God has my back and my best interest, or cling to fear and my own devices? I wrestle with the balance of working at things on my own, versus letting God. Times I focus on praying and depending upon God, and times I focus on doing...neither seem to have availed, which leaves me confused. Friends have seen my struggle and see the need for me to release and let go, breath in God's Peace. I have to find the sweet spot between being okay with this route and being true to who I am. I am a fighter, I expect much of myself and others, but yet need to see life not through my own finite eyes, but through Christ's eternal eyes.
I'm learning to listen more closely, to obey more fully and Trust without abandon. To be honest, I suck at it! Thankfully, our Pastor has taught for months, with one sentence being the basic principle, "Follow God, & He will change you." It is this that I must do! Luckily, it is the only thing I can do.
Laundry and life beckons...so my story must pause, but this past Saturday morning was one of completely risking and abandoning in faith. A circumstance, orchestrated by God, that required obedience, rashness, risk and potential loss. Something that may result in amazement, or may purely be about obedience? Stay tuned for the details...
The past months have been relentless, financial burdens have been in-my-face since signing up and attending the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Course through our church! On about week 3 I renamed it..."Financial NOT-Peace," due to the intensity and marital discord being strewn about in it's path! There were moments I questioned everything, I was humbled and broken, mean, fearful...Oh was I fearful! However, my loving and patient husband, held on, pursued me and talked to me, as we began to un-layer the issues. We began to dream, plan and design Hope once again. After being beat and kicked in the face so many times, hope begins to fade, cynicism becomes a good friend, doubt a shadow and FEAR, an unshakable enemy. The Faith and Hope I've known all along becomes dulled and distant, the enemy whispers that those attributes of God are for some, maybe the "best" believers, the privileged...but not for me. So shaking these lies requires valence and confidence....AND GOD! I could never do it...never, never, by myself. "For everyone born of God overcomes the world..."
Slowly, I regain traction, able to hear ever so faintly, the sweet Hope that is Jesus, that He offer's freely to me. It is an outright battle! "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, PUT ON...STAND FIRM...TAKE UP...AND PRAY!" (emphasis added, portions of Ephesians 6:10 - 18)
It is not passive, it is exhausting. I do it for my husband, for my children, for my God and myself, because I know the TRUTH, now I must do it! As I write this, I am not THERE. I have not arrived, but I am fighting. It is bloody, it requires sacrifice and pain, risk beyond where I am comfortable and so much more.
What does it literally look like? I found a job, something I've hated the idea of! Something I've prayed that would not be required because my heart is and has always been to be with my children full-time. I humbly serve at a Catering Company, something I have experience in and allows for flexible evening hours to accommodate our three kids' schedules. Brian sacrifices sleep, by working from 7:00 - 3:00 so he can be available to be home for the kids, cook, clean, laundry, bus & homework the kids while I'm away. We both sacrifice precious time together and relaxation in order to pick up the slack. I've missed soccer game highlights, dinners, communication, even a birthday, to be available to work. Dave Ramsey's motto is, "Live like no one else, so you can Live like no one else," and it is this mantra that get's me through some days. This is not forever, it is for a time.
One of the pivotal beliefs I've struggled with through this is FAITH. When the crap hits the fan, will I cling to knowing God has my back and my best interest, or cling to fear and my own devices? I wrestle with the balance of working at things on my own, versus letting God. Times I focus on praying and depending upon God, and times I focus on doing...neither seem to have availed, which leaves me confused. Friends have seen my struggle and see the need for me to release and let go, breath in God's Peace. I have to find the sweet spot between being okay with this route and being true to who I am. I am a fighter, I expect much of myself and others, but yet need to see life not through my own finite eyes, but through Christ's eternal eyes.
I'm learning to listen more closely, to obey more fully and Trust without abandon. To be honest, I suck at it! Thankfully, our Pastor has taught for months, with one sentence being the basic principle, "Follow God, & He will change you." It is this that I must do! Luckily, it is the only thing I can do.
Laundry and life beckons...so my story must pause, but this past Saturday morning was one of completely risking and abandoning in faith. A circumstance, orchestrated by God, that required obedience, rashness, risk and potential loss. Something that may result in amazement, or may purely be about obedience? Stay tuned for the details...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
quiet...waiting...
A few moments of quietness...day 3 of the new school year with all three kids in school. My little Grace is in Kindergarten and while she's so thrilled, and I'm glad to have a short time to accomplish tasks and choose what I want to do, it's change!
*Sidenote - I'm listening to Gungor's, "Beautiful Things," & WOW (it's in my playlist, check it out)! Passionate, moving, intimate, deep, humbling and true! LOVE IT!
I haven't posted for the past 3 months and it accurately portrays the reality of my summer months, not one moment for myself! Turns out 12 & 10 year old boys are not anymore able to self-entertain than they were when they were 3 & 1! A constant vigil over them staying out of trouble was how I spent most of my energy. I am so blessed to know them so closely and be available for the many life lessons we've entered into this summer, but I am tired. I need to spend time re-acquainting me with myself.
Both boys, thanks to my mom, aka, Gran, attended Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp, on the Oregon Coast and had a blast. We swam a ton, despite the slow start to summer weather, had a glorious week in Bend, OR as a family and spent many hours in close quarters at home.
In accordance with the same lesson I seem to learn & re-learn, while we were on our family vacation in Bend, Brian received an e-mail about a job he had applied for months prior. We had devised a strict and "light yourself on fire," (Dave Ramsey) marketing plan for two companies we felt were a good match in value & position for Brian to hound for a job. We worked it and of course, the interview would be delivered by God's provision, not our work!! His first interview went stellar, we followed rigid protocol, sent thank you notes, follow-up emails etc...the second interview was great and now we find ourselves in a common spot, WAITING! No immediate gratification here! Again, we email, leave messages and pray for God's will to be revealed. It is not easy and knowing I have no control (but God does) is only head knowledge some moments and not really something I practice. I remind myself....and painfully wait. I'm anxious for disappointment, it's really our most experienced emotion.
*Sidenote - I'm listening to Gungor's, "Beautiful Things," & WOW (it's in my playlist, check it out)! Passionate, moving, intimate, deep, humbling and true! LOVE IT!
I haven't posted for the past 3 months and it accurately portrays the reality of my summer months, not one moment for myself! Turns out 12 & 10 year old boys are not anymore able to self-entertain than they were when they were 3 & 1! A constant vigil over them staying out of trouble was how I spent most of my energy. I am so blessed to know them so closely and be available for the many life lessons we've entered into this summer, but I am tired. I need to spend time re-acquainting me with myself.
Both boys, thanks to my mom, aka, Gran, attended Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp, on the Oregon Coast and had a blast. We swam a ton, despite the slow start to summer weather, had a glorious week in Bend, OR as a family and spent many hours in close quarters at home.
In accordance with the same lesson I seem to learn & re-learn, while we were on our family vacation in Bend, Brian received an e-mail about a job he had applied for months prior. We had devised a strict and "light yourself on fire," (Dave Ramsey) marketing plan for two companies we felt were a good match in value & position for Brian to hound for a job. We worked it and of course, the interview would be delivered by God's provision, not our work!! His first interview went stellar, we followed rigid protocol, sent thank you notes, follow-up emails etc...the second interview was great and now we find ourselves in a common spot, WAITING! No immediate gratification here! Again, we email, leave messages and pray for God's will to be revealed. It is not easy and knowing I have no control (but God does) is only head knowledge some moments and not really something I practice. I remind myself....and painfully wait. I'm anxious for disappointment, it's really our most experienced emotion.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
not now
I have this certain question that keeps plaguing me with anxiousness. Just when I believe that I'm confident of my answer, something, usually a story, book, blog, or real life event occurs that gnaws into my heart and causes me to re-think, or re-submit. It has emerged recently due to, of all things, a garage-sale! We were once again, going through things to purge and share with others and I came upon them, "Gracyn's outgrown clothes!" They haunt and torment me! I/We, do not debate having another biological child (LORD, please do not teach me, Not My Will But Thine, in this way!) However, adoption is and will forever be, a passion & love. How can you possibly have one of the MOST amazing, eye opening experiences in your life and not have your heart remain soft to the opportunity of going through it all again? I continually wrestle with this and desperately beg God for a definite answer. All I can know is my answer for this moment and it is, Not Now. So I quickly re-pose, as if God didn't hear the whole question....not now? not ever? like in 5 years? my quiver is full? what age? china? wouldn't a sister close to grace's age be best? i love the 12-18 month age? we're getting too old! i can't possibly! i can't be done? {I turn into, basically, a badgering 2 year old.}
Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.
Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle!
My reading as of late has included Photography Business & Marketing, thus leaving my head full, but heart a bit empty, so when a friend recommended a great read and company to discuss it, I was in!
I have been missing my California days of an awesome book club that read Fiction Novels together; we discussed them over coffee and even an occasional movie, dinner & phone call with the Author. While looking for small groups at our new church, www.LakesideChurch.com, a book club was presented and although I do enjoy reading, I would hardly call myself an avid-reader. I took the opportunity to meet new people, to be a part of something new, and it turned out that I loved it! Since leaving California and my book club, I have missed the thrill of a good book and better yet, friends to discuss, provoke thought & challenge in my thinking.
"One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp delivers vivid, descriptive, feeling filled writing with the graphic existence that we so often bump-up-against in life. Her story begins with a gripping childhood horror story of her little sister's death in the road outside their rural farm home. Her first memory and the bitter reality of this world's cold truth and it is something we can all relate to. Maybe not death of a sibling, or child, but, LOSS itself. "One Thousand Gifts," is the journey how one woman, mother, sister, friend, searches for meaning and fullness in a dream crushing, world. It's the exploration of "living fully so we are fully ready to die."
And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...{Luke 22:19} "He gave thanks: reads "Eucharisteo." Charis means "grace," (a name and word close to my heart!) And, Chara, meaning "joy." Joy & Grace, closely intertwined...
Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.
Jesus offered thanks even amidst the most difficult upcoming event and wants us to do the same. "Thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." Communion is about "celebrating greater gain through great loss."
These first two chapters are brutally convicting, a blow to exactly where I stand in pride, argument & disobedience to my God. As I sit in church today, I realize that there are so many things going right in my life. Why is it that the one area that sucks seems to envelop my thinking and seep into and contaminate everything else? In a word, Satan, in another, Sin.
I knew this book was about being thankful, but I didn't realize that it would require such trust and abandon.
I have been missing my California days of an awesome book club that read Fiction Novels together; we discussed them over coffee and even an occasional movie, dinner & phone call with the Author. While looking for small groups at our new church, www.LakesideChurch.com, a book club was presented and although I do enjoy reading, I would hardly call myself an avid-reader. I took the opportunity to meet new people, to be a part of something new, and it turned out that I loved it! Since leaving California and my book club, I have missed the thrill of a good book and better yet, friends to discuss, provoke thought & challenge in my thinking.
"One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp delivers vivid, descriptive, feeling filled writing with the graphic existence that we so often bump-up-against in life. Her story begins with a gripping childhood horror story of her little sister's death in the road outside their rural farm home. Her first memory and the bitter reality of this world's cold truth and it is something we can all relate to. Maybe not death of a sibling, or child, but, LOSS itself. "One Thousand Gifts," is the journey how one woman, mother, sister, friend, searches for meaning and fullness in a dream crushing, world. It's the exploration of "living fully so we are fully ready to die."
And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...{Luke 22:19} "He gave thanks: reads "Eucharisteo." Charis means "grace," (a name and word close to my heart!) And, Chara, meaning "joy." Joy & Grace, closely intertwined...
Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.
Jesus offered thanks even amidst the most difficult upcoming event and wants us to do the same. "Thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." Communion is about "celebrating greater gain through great loss."
These first two chapters are brutally convicting, a blow to exactly where I stand in pride, argument & disobedience to my God. As I sit in church today, I realize that there are so many things going right in my life. Why is it that the one area that sucks seems to envelop my thinking and seep into and contaminate everything else? In a word, Satan, in another, Sin.
I knew this book was about being thankful, but I didn't realize that it would require such trust and abandon.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
My NEVER AGAIN moment
Not many days go by that I don't just randomly state, "I Love Dave Ramsey!" And today is no exception. While listening to his radio broadcast, he made a statement to a caller that had a profound effect on me. I haven't had many "A ha Moments" lately, which leaves me to wonder whether I'm not hearing or reading anything worthy, or if I personally am on a plateau of weighty thoughts?
Dave often talks about his own financial ruin and how he learned to change his thinking with regards to debt. At the bottom, he had a "NEVER AGAIN" moment that forever changed his path.
I have had more "NEVER AGAIN" moments in my life than "A ha" ones, for sure! I have managed, in all my wisdom and education, to make a butt-load of, what-turned-out-to-be, bad decisions, thus leading my straight into "NEVER AGAIN" reflection! When we sold our under-valued dream house and headed to live with family in a declining job market and economy, I can truthfully say that not one person told us we were wise, or doing the right thing. Although a choice so drastic is not for everyone, it was what was right for us. We had already been through over a decade and a half of financial ebbs and flows that are a reality in the Real Estate business and knew, also from experience, that financing this hardship through debt was not a road we wanted to pick. However, when the tough road we chose was not laiden with gold and dreams were quickly dashed because this sacrifice did not immediately pay-off or out, I began to question. The next 18 months were ones of struggle and while we were blessed in ways we only now see, while in it, felt like we were upon the storm of our lives.
So today, when Dave Ramsey spoke of getting to the point through life's trials of having the Never Again moment, I felt hope! Even though I do feel as if we made the smartest decisions possible, and even though we gave up so much and endured a washers experience of life...we can truly say, "NEVER AGAIN!" We will be more cautious in the size of home we purchase, we will continue to use cash and not debt to buy items, we will guard our six month, just in case emergency fund, we will commit to paying off our home early etc...because, I NEVER AGAIN want to be placed in a situation where I have to choose to let it all go in order to stay out of debt!
To read more about Dave Ramsey's Radical financial strategies, check out www.DaveRamsey.com and one of his many books, "The Total Money Makeover."
Friday, April 8, 2011
Wear rubber boots...
We are on our last day of our weeks vacation in Long Beach, WA. It has been a humble vacation, one that keeps us on our tight budget, but a break away none-the-less. One of the days, we drove to Ledbetter Point Park for a hike. We chose the 2.8 mile loop and headed out with blue skies and great expectations. As life often brings, we were in for a tad-wetter and longer trek than we had planned! We burrowed through the thick vegetation and sometimes mucky trail, feeling great as we came upon the last .9 mile sign. "Sweet, less than a mile to go," we innocently thought and even shared aloud! The rain began and the trail shrunk and we found ourselves within minutes of the end of the trail with a full-on flood looming over and entirely around the path. We took inventory of the thick terrain and flooded path and found no way possible to pass. We turned around and headed back the way we came, probably around 2.6 miles!
The weather was coming down fairly steadily by now, hair soaked and thighs-cold from the beating rain and all I could think, was, "What did I miss that God felt the need to send me back to catch?" I hate these re-do types of life-lessons! I can't say I had a life-altering encounter with myself on the reverse hike back, but the irony of it all is not lost on me either. If nothing else...wear rubber boots when hiking on the Western side of the state!!
The weather was coming down fairly steadily by now, hair soaked and thighs-cold from the beating rain and all I could think, was, "What did I miss that God felt the need to send me back to catch?" I hate these re-do types of life-lessons! I can't say I had a life-altering encounter with myself on the reverse hike back, but the irony of it all is not lost on me either. If nothing else...wear rubber boots when hiking on the Western side of the state!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
"Choosing to See"
I was loaned the book, "Choosing to SEE," by Mary Beth Chapman, Steven Curtis Chapman's (Christian Music Writer/Singer) wife. Their story is a horrific one, one of loosing a child. Their life took a devastating turn, as explained in an excerpt from her book:
This is a mind boggling life story that just leaves me with so many questions. Mostly, all starting with WHY?! It is poignant and vulnerable and Real, all favorites of mine. It is not a story emphasizing death, but living life with hurts. How life continues, even after tragedy and disappointment and we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other on a daily basis, even when our heart is broken. I'm not sure why God directed me to this book, it truly hurt to read it. It deeply scares, actually makes we want to drop to the floor and kick and scream, saying, "Not me Lord, don't ever let me have to feel such pain!"
May 21, 2009 Maria Chapman, born in China, the same age as my Grace, left this earth to be with The LORD and I can tell you that I held my own precious China daughter tighter and remembered the miracle and gift she is to me, a little more clearly tonight! LORD, please help me to realize the gift of each day, that You do not promise us forever here on this earth. We are not fully at home here because this is not our Forever Home, but just Until! Praise You God that we have a Hope and knowledge of beyond this broken world. Thank You that You are God, and we are not and that our pain and our story that you bestow upon us is for Your Glory. May I be a good steward of my story and may it indeed be to Your Glory!
"Then everything changed forever. I realized I was hearing odd sounds outside-not just the yelling of happy play but screams and commotion. I bolted into the kitchen to head outside just as Shooey ran up the back steps and met me there. "Mom!" she yelled. "Will's hit Maria with the car!" I flew outside. Will was near the garage, holding his little sister in his arms. There was a lot of blood, on both of them. "Maria!" Will was crying. "Maria! Wake Up!"
This is a mind boggling life story that just leaves me with so many questions. Mostly, all starting with WHY?! It is poignant and vulnerable and Real, all favorites of mine. It is not a story emphasizing death, but living life with hurts. How life continues, even after tragedy and disappointment and we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other on a daily basis, even when our heart is broken. I'm not sure why God directed me to this book, it truly hurt to read it. It deeply scares, actually makes we want to drop to the floor and kick and scream, saying, "Not me Lord, don't ever let me have to feel such pain!"
May 21, 2009 Maria Chapman, born in China, the same age as my Grace, left this earth to be with The LORD and I can tell you that I held my own precious China daughter tighter and remembered the miracle and gift she is to me, a little more clearly tonight! LORD, please help me to realize the gift of each day, that You do not promise us forever here on this earth. We are not fully at home here because this is not our Forever Home, but just Until! Praise You God that we have a Hope and knowledge of beyond this broken world. Thank You that You are God, and we are not and that our pain and our story that you bestow upon us is for Your Glory. May I be a good steward of my story and may it indeed be to Your Glory!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I Shoot People, Photographically Speaking!
"The Fast Track Photographer Business Plan," By Dane Sanders
(Design by Debbie Glasserman, Copyrighted Material)
Since the loss of Brian's mortgage business in 2009, we have been trying conventional means to earn a living. Basically our entire married life, and thus, our entire adult life, we have been in a "self-employed" business and job and we have found, with great risk, comes great reward. The Mortgage field is a brutal one, a job that has required many of the sacrifices that are common to building any type of business. Brian found a niche for himself and created an empire of business for the better part of 15 years that afforded us a beautiful home, enabled me to stay at home with our children and enjoy many amazing experiences in life. As we have laid that part of lives behind, we find the entrepreneurial spirit restless within us.
Brian has had a love and passion for photography for as long as I have known him and even it resonates even before that. He has tinkered with it over the years, often spending his personal time and money on cameras, equipment and books to hone in on his skill and natural ability to understand the technical side to things, ever-so-easily. However, in the past, I'd say, 4 years, we've been a little more deliberate in focusing our attention to this "hobby," as photography so often births-itself, and trying to gradually move it into a business. We began with landscapes, moved into family and senior portraits and then while in California, worked contractually with a local newspaper shooting sporting events and local highlights, collaborated an album for a local persimmon farmer, and most recently, with a business owner to capture still shots for a business who's mode of sales was through e-commerce.
All this, to document our journey and experience in the photography world that has led us to this place. Which is Where Exactly, you ask? Precisely my question! Returning to this impresario nudging, I begin a research that will hopefully be the foundation for a Photography Business launch in the upcoming year.
I picked up a book called, "Fast Track Photographer Business Plan," by Dane Sanders and have been diligently applying myself in education in all aspects pertaining to Photography. Although this book has not given an exact mathematical formula for a successful photography business, it has given me a great foundation on business principles. I have found that while reading, I often have similar ideals and ideas roaming around my head, but just haven't been able to frame it into words. The highlights for me have pointed to these concepts: 1) Defining Our Vision 2)Finding a Product/Service that our Target Audience/Clients are willing to pay for (Finding Your Sweet Spot) 3)Criteria for Pricing our Products - considering Overhead & Profit 4)Outsourcing/Scaling/Strategic Partners - Implementing partnerships that share the same Values as we do in our business (WWYD) 5) Marketing/Sales is about Inviting, not old school tactics using pressure and gimmicks, Appreciating & utilizing Touch Points.
One of the most exciting things in all this glory-less research has been the gradual formation and contemplation for our business. What is our Photographic Point of View? The 3 Main area's of emphasis seem to be coming into focus (no pun intended!) and it is Simply Exciting!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
"What are you doing right now that requires faith?"
Had one of those moments yesterday when you hope and pray that your kids don't remember the details of your sins when they get older! Just completely lost it, and something I'm realizing, is that, being a parent is one of God's ways to keep you humble. As I'm ranting to my kids about doing the right thing, I demonstrate how we are sinful nature'd beings, just bent on sinning! I took them all aside individually and apologized for my lack of self-control (they come by that honestly) and meekly move-on praying that I don't try harder, but that I have more of God because I know I cannot will or white-knuckle it through the daily stresses of life.
We are reading "Crazy Love," by Francis Chan and this weeks chapter asked, "What are you doing right now that requires faith?" The answer for me, is "Raising my kids!" I am so incredibly inadequate and this world is so incredibly relentless. I feel as if I've come across classified information about this life, and it isn't good. Somewhere in the past two years a truth was revealed that this world sucks! Maybe not news to you, but I was dumbfounded after figuring this out. How I deal with this "intelligence" is still a bit of a mystery. I know this is not the end of the story because God lives and sent His Son to redeem us. I can't wait to learn the rest of the story for me. I'm such a work in progress.
We are reading "Crazy Love," by Francis Chan and this weeks chapter asked, "What are you doing right now that requires faith?" The answer for me, is "Raising my kids!" I am so incredibly inadequate and this world is so incredibly relentless. I feel as if I've come across classified information about this life, and it isn't good. Somewhere in the past two years a truth was revealed that this world sucks! Maybe not news to you, but I was dumbfounded after figuring this out. How I deal with this "intelligence" is still a bit of a mystery. I know this is not the end of the story because God lives and sent His Son to redeem us. I can't wait to learn the rest of the story for me. I'm such a work in progress.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
"Why don't you get a job?"
Over Christmas break, the question, "Why don't you get a job?" was posed to me. Now, when you know our recent history of being laid-off, selling our home, we knew we couldn't afford without a job, moving in with my mother-in-law and keeping to an extremely tight financial diet while on unemployment, it is a completely fair and justifiable question. When it's posed to me, though, something inside me tightens and defensiveness begins to settle in, and shows through in my response. I have been pondering this response in myself and I finally think I have an expressible understanding of why this happens.
My past is riddled with feeling inadequate. So when I hear, the question, "Have you looked for a job," or "Why don't you get a job?" I hear things like..."You're lazy, Why don't you contribute to your family, You're stupid etc"...and my body begins to react on a chemical level to these judgments.
I respond with things like, "It would be difficult...Brian doesn't realize what I do for the family during the day...We'd have to pay for childcare...etc
Those are some logical, defensive things that can be expressed, but today I realized, I don't need to respond by defending the fact that I am not lazy! I don't want to get a job outside the home because I AM NOT LAZY!! I work extremely hard during the day to make our household run smoothly, to be home when the kids come home, to prepare and feed them healthy food, give them clean clothes and a clean house to enjoy, to bless my husband with a neat, stress-free (well, you know what I mean) home to come home to after his long day. Ultimately, me not wanting a job has nothing to do with lazy, but with a core value and priority, which is my family!
If I felt what I contribute to my family by being home, wasn't valuable and necessary, I wouldn't feel the need to fight so hard! Although I want to defend and say I rarely eat the bread of idleness, I can say these things till I'm blue and still feel unsatisfied because it's not about that. My true heart believes with everything that I am, that being home with my children and sacrificing my own goals and even sanity sometimes, is lower on the list, beneath what's best for my family.
What a sweet revelation...now I can stop spending my time and thoughts on not trying to NOT be Lazy and by keeping company with mygood friend guilt, every time I find myself not doing something "productive."
My past is riddled with feeling inadequate. So when I hear, the question, "Have you looked for a job," or "Why don't you get a job?" I hear things like..."You're lazy, Why don't you contribute to your family, You're stupid etc"...and my body begins to react on a chemical level to these judgments.
I respond with things like, "It would be difficult...Brian doesn't realize what I do for the family during the day...We'd have to pay for childcare...etc
Those are some logical, defensive things that can be expressed, but today I realized, I don't need to respond by defending the fact that I am not lazy! I don't want to get a job outside the home because I AM NOT LAZY!! I work extremely hard during the day to make our household run smoothly, to be home when the kids come home, to prepare and feed them healthy food, give them clean clothes and a clean house to enjoy, to bless my husband with a neat, stress-free (well, you know what I mean) home to come home to after his long day. Ultimately, me not wanting a job has nothing to do with lazy, but with a core value and priority, which is my family!
If I felt what I contribute to my family by being home, wasn't valuable and necessary, I wouldn't feel the need to fight so hard! Although I want to defend and say I rarely eat the bread of idleness, I can say these things till I'm blue and still feel unsatisfied because it's not about that. My true heart believes with everything that I am, that being home with my children and sacrificing my own goals and even sanity sometimes, is lower on the list, beneath what's best for my family.
What a sweet revelation...now I can stop spending my time and thoughts on not trying to NOT be Lazy and by keeping company with my
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