Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Don't try harder, Trust Him more

I keep coming across the same message over and over again and I'm beginning to think that it's not coincidence?! Reading in, "The Relationship Principles of Jesus," tonight I read these lines that pierced my heart. "Jesus doesn't want you to try your hardest, Jesus wants you to learn to trust in Him. It's not a passive trust, sitting and waiting for God to act, it's a real trust, involving your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. The greatest difficulties of life offer us our greatest opportunities to trust." No matter how many times I try to tell myself these things, I always seem to get it wrong.
I've been fighting against a critical spirit and negative thoughts that I allow and then seemingly take over. I knew this wasn't right, but didn't know how to go about changing it. It was suggested that memorizing this verse and recalling it to changing your thinking would help. "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." Philippians 4:8 To be honest, I did not think that merely changing my thoughts would have any success in changing my heart. I've asked God to reveal these times to me. I was becoming focused on my inadequacy-another friend of Satan's and finding a strategy to change directions was just what I needed. This path was leading me to destructive thoughts and left me feeling powerless to them. Going back, I'm not trying harder to think nice things, but submitting my selfish mind to God to reform.
We were at the aquatic center this Summer and our friend shared with me his view that Christians were not any different than anyone else. Of course the saying, "Believers are not perfect, just forgiven," and that has always rubbed me wrong. It still seems to hold a sense of arrogance and being a believer my whole life, I struggle with arrogance and doing the "Christian" thing. While there is pride in this way of thinking, there is also a steep downside and that is huge insufficiency. How can being a Christ follower mean a difference in outward behavior, but not involve a prideful heart? I think it is more to do with submission and faith than I ever knew. God, please reveal Your Truth to me in all this!
On another note, today was the day that a company was supposed to let Brian know if they wished to pursue him, or "go a different direction." We were both wroght with anxiousness all day. Around 3:30, he got an e-mail asking him to come tomorrow to meet again, tour the company and meet the staff. After 7 months of No's, we needed a certain and firm YES, but instead we got a vague...kind-of? We are unclear about what this meeting will entail, if it will be a full job offer and what the salary and benefits will look like. We are unassuming, but hopeful that tomorrow will give us a clear knowledge if this job and company will meet the needs of our family. The good news, I've leaned heavily on God's power today. The fight in hope, trust and disappointment has been like houseguests overstaying their welcome. I can't even verbalize the feelings I have wrestled with over the months. Praying for closure to this season of unemployment and to a new road for our family.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The importance of Relationship!

Cozy-up, grab some tea...I'ts Long, according to Brian:
It's been too long! I have a personal pet-peeve for blogs that don't "Blog," but in this crazy world of life, things go on regardless of if we participate...all those people who don't take their Christmas lights in a timely manner, maybe their not trying to push MY buttons, maybe their just busy?
We are encroaching upon month 7, living with my Mother-in-law, sharing space and life, living on financial means that we could barely have survived as newlyweds with no-kids. It's amazing to see how either the harshness of life has worn me down, or, I have actually succumbed to my situation. Some days it is a little of both. Things that made me about want to puke, such as, "Things could be worse...At least you have your health...etc..." now have a bit of scale and encouragement to me. As it turns out, loosing your home, your friends, church, support, financial stability, financial success for the past 15 years, dreams of how my life was supposed to look; is not the worst thing that could happen. So what has filled in the tremendous gap in all the hurt, loneliness and sorrow? Relationship! One of the first priorities once moving two states away, was to find a church home. It took us 6 weeks, which doesn't seem long, but when your lonely, struggling, raw, and hurting, it's forever! We found Lakeside Church, purely on accident, or by Godly design. Wondering if "we'd know," if it was the right one, the first time we went, our question was answered after the first service at Lakeside. It was an immediate, "Yes!" I could tell you about the amazing Worship, and Brad's gift for teaching...and it was (and is,) but we needed relationship with other believers. We signed ourselves up for a small group and began the awkward dance of going to someones house we didn't know, sitting in a circle of people, we didn't know. I was already sick of being in uncomfortable situations with groups of people I didn't know, nor it seemed, did they care to. (Yes, that is self pity and whining) The next few weeks at group are a bit of a blur. For sure not an immediate bond, but when people are craving and needing relationship, something happens. We all seemed to be in a similar place, experiencing loneliness, struggles and just wanting a soft place to be ourselves. Fast forward 5 months, we have intimate, supportive friends who we spend a great deal of time with each week! Just like many things in life, this did not just happen, but it required work, effort, vulnerability and time.
What prompts me to share this tonight? We are beginning a new study at Lakeside, called "40 Days of Love," by Rick Warren and Tom Holladay. As I begin my daily readings, I smile because I have experienced this type of relationship in many places, with my husband, my kids, my family and especially with friends who are there for me on the good days and the bad. The friends who were just as excited as I was when I first got up on the wake board this summer, the friend who diligently prayed for me after I shared how deep of a hole I was in my relationship with Brian and miraculously, it was healed that night! Friends who have prayed whole-heartedly for a job for us and encouraged us and continue to have faith, even when we are suffering disappointment. These people are priceless and essential to my new outlook on my life.
Here's some quotes from our study guide, "The Relationship Principles of Jesus," that particularily struck me. "There is a difference between what we think we should value and what we truly value." "Jesus teaches us that competing values cannot coexist." "When you boil it all down, questions about priorities are questions about faith. If I have faith that God will care for me, it frees me to live with a certain set of priorities." Without thinking that we have it all figured out, or seeming self-righteous, this is something we've chosen to claim over the past months as we search for jobs. There have been events and ministry opportunities that have taken away from daily job searching and we have had to be intentional of giving God our trust that He will make up the difference of our energy and time when we give of ourselves to Him. I am realizing that God is only going to fulfill this employment gap when/if He does it in a way that He will be glorified. It is not about how many jobs, Brian logs into each day, how many connections we make, but how God can be glorified in the most magnificent and unlikely way! Brian and I both are doers, I am first-born, actually, an Only...and Brian is a first-born, we like to be busy, be organized, self-sufficient, productive, appreciated and excel in what we do. We love to look back on our hard work and gleam with pride. This is not about that! It is a hard lesson for us and we are slow to get it. There is not much more difficulty for strong , hard working people than to not be able to muscle your way through life. We've been doing a lot of treading water. It's tiring, not very effective and produces no forward motion. It's time to back float and give up control, rest and allow ourselves to be rescued by Our Savior!
One thing I'm noticing is that the relationship building in our family has happened very slowly over the past 7 months. We have had such tremendous stresses that there's been a lot of bad behavior, (adults included) but until recently, I hadn't seen any true strength built. If it was my choice, this battle would have been done by now. I would have missed this happiness I never knew there was. Contentment in crisis. We began home schooling our middle son and I can truly say that the past month of home schooling has been the best I've had with our relationship. I know him in a way, I've never known before. We have inside jokes, can relate in many ways and my patience for him has increased, while his need for attention getting behavior has decreased. Although it requires a great deal of my time and energy, it was required to better our family. It was explained by another home schooling Mom that we must do what is best for our family and sometimes that means giving the needs extra attention to the one. It really is best for the whole, even when others must sacrifice some time. This is so true! Sometimes we just need a little more attention and splitting attention equally and fairly is not what's right. Carter told me a few days ago, "Mom, I love this school," after coming home from the Core class at the Charter school. I carefully asked if he was referring to the class time, or to home schooling in general? He said, "I want to home school next year!" My mother heart sang for joy in this HUGE compliment from a skeptical and withholding 8 year old. ("Let's not get carried away," I thought to myself! {after all, I'm only human})

Monday, August 17, 2009

Knee deep in curriculum

Four days into home schooling and I'm starting to get familiar with the curriculum and find my way through the thick stack of readers, teacher editions and practice workbooks. I went to a training class on the language arts curriculum and found it to be a relief to see other mom's fumbling there way through, and teachers who are tremendously supportive and encouraging of a home schooling environment.
As for the emotional side of things, I am battling hope vs. despair. Brian has an interview on Wednesday morning and the actual prospect of a job causes the hope to rise. It is scary to see an end to our dependence upon family to survive and then possibly see that light slip through our hands, once again. I am wrought with emotional conflict; wanting to remain steady, not too hopeful, yet positive, faithful, but not assuming. It is so much to balance, especially upon the heavy load of kids, school, friends, my relationship with The Lord, life, taking care of myself, laundry etc...
I have been trying to find a fit for my passions, in ministry, and it so happens that Amber, a good friend of mine, needed help with the missions emphasis weeks coming up. Friday, I was able to assist in stuffing packets, hanging signs (girls don't do zip ties very well), and moral support in preparing for this big push of missions at Lakeside. It truly feels good to give of myself and time and participate in something my heart is passionate about. As Grace's "Gotcha Day" quickly approaches, we looked through her photo-book, and I think back to the amazing experience we had in getting Grace. I am so grateful to China for the gift of my daughter. I has forever changed me and left am imprint on my heart. I look forward to what the future will bring with regards to China and our family.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Me, homeschooling?

I am officially a homeschooling Mom! Yes, I am one of those moms who you wonder how they can do it(and say you never could) who's kids you suspect are weird and socially awkward, or neurotic, or overly religious, or granola, or whatever you think of when you think of when you think of "homeschooling." My reason, a very personal choice, was made with the utmost consideration for what I truly feel is best, in my heart, for my son. Trust me, I've run through all the scenarios and believe that a Charter School/Independent Study will be what will enable him to be the most successful, for at least, now. A Charter School is a publicly funded program for families who wish to be more involved in their children's education. All the resources are provided with no cost to the family (I have an enormous stack of Teacher edition & workbooks), a teacher is assigned to meet with us every-other week & science is taught 2 days a week by an educator, in a traditional setting.
I won't go into what led us to this place because it is my son's to share when and if he wants, but essentially, although he is an intelligent & articulate child, he struggles with impulse control. When an idea is brought forward, he jumps in head first and is not able to predict the consequences that may ensue. This is a normal "problem" for children and teenagers and with all the stress of our family situation, a new school, new location etc....it has placed him in a difficult predicament. We feel it is most important for him to enjoy school, encourage positive peer relationships and be successful and just as when we place ourselves in tempting situations we are more likely to fail, so it is with our precious child. I know that homeschooling vs. public school vs. private school is a hot topic that most parents feel passionately one way or another. I always said, "I'd home school if I had too, but I don't want too." But, now is that time, for us. I hope it's temporary, but to be honest, I don't know. It'd be nice to send him off and have 6 hours of more freedom, but as a Mom, I have to and want to do what's best for our children and our family.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Leadership Summit 2009

The Leadership Summit http://www.willowcreek.com/events/leadership/2009/was this week and since Brian & our good friend, Tony, volunteered, they got to sit in on portions of the simulcast when they were not serving. One of the speakers was Dr. Wess Stafford, who gave an impactful testimony, that Tony shared with us, during their lunch break. It had moved him extremely deeply and it therefore, also impacted me. It was the one speaker that gave each attender a book and so today, when I had finished the last of "19 Minutes," by Jodi Picoult, and needed something new to entertain myself, I choose his book, "Too Small to Ignore." I quickly read about 40 pages and not only is he an incredible story teller, he has an amazing story to share! Here are a few of the impactful quotes and thoughts that have provoked me to ponder.
He begins the book with this story: D.L. Moody, arrived home from speaking at a meeting. His wife asked, "So how did it go tonight?" "Pretty well," he replied. "Two and a half converts." "That's sweet, " she replied. "How old was the child?" "No, no, no," Moody answered. "It was two children and one adult! The children have their whole lives in front of them. The adult's life is already half gone."
Dr. Stafford's premise is that we need to do more for the children of this world. He gives statistics of the number of starving children who die a day (30,000 under age 5 a day!), how 2/3 of all people who give their lives to Christ do so before the age of 18, how he believes that there is a spiritual warfare that exists in the battle over children, and how little most churches' budget is dedicated to children programs. This certainly convicts my views of missions and where the emphasis should be.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Meanwhile we groan...

"Meanwhile we groan..." 2 Corinthians 5:2 Week 2 of the "Meanwhile Series," at Lakeside: #1) "Life is not yet what it will sometime be..." #2) "Life is not what it once was..." And thus, Fear begins to take flight and "color who we are," stated Pastor Brad. We looked at 2Corinth. 8:7-15 and discussed how the church had offered so much, their generosity had blessed so many. vs 2 "they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability." And then, they succumbed to fear. I have talked and pondered so much about what this time has been and is for me; this time in the desert. I have on several occasions, given the excuse that I just don't have it to offer. It being, friendship, energy, cheer, joy, hope. I have succumbed to fear that has paralyzed me, just as Paul is talking about. Brad explains fear as a "de-motivator." He states, "Fear begins to overwhelm our best intentions, thinking if I help you, it will hurt me." Our Lord wants us to #1) Know & Believe His Heart 2) Know & Believe His Power & 3) Know & Believe God's Promises
How many things have I backed away from , believing I am not able? So many come to mind, relationships, ministry opportunities, choosing to be a blessing and support to my husband...a few that quickly fill my mind. This thing I have called depression, sadness, hurt, life-sucks, is now being revealed to me as FEAR. Who loves fear? Satan! What does God say about fear? "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." I John 4:18 How do I mesh this all together? With Fear and Punishment seemingly close bedfellows, I almost have to assume that my reservations and outright refusals intertwine with both fear and punishment. Is it fear of punishment, punishing myself for what I feel is inevitably my fault somehow, fear of failure, of thinking my success in life keeps the fears of failure from being discovered. The things that I have been struggling with this week as the tapes that I play in my head to myself. My very favorite is: "I am not good enough." I think it starts out that it is revealed to me that someone else thinks I'm not good enough and then brings it sutler to my attention that I'm not good enough, or smart enough, or able to manage life and its ebbs and flows on my own. That I am in need of a personal manager to direct my each step. This somehow is shameful to me and reflects on my life and speaks to my value, rather than listening to God's Truth about me and knowing about myself, that I am a strong, intelligent, caring person who God directly put me into this place and time to oversee, knowing I'd be just the right one for the job! Just like my face book flair that states: I don't have a short attention span, I just.....Oh look, A Kitty!!
In this Meanwhile life that so many of us are experiencing due to life, love, jobs, lack of jobs, loosing our houses and equity, loosing our certainty in the future, the hope of finding a good job, sickness, children we keep looking back and placing hope in what it once was. This is a New Season and will bring maybe a few of the crops that randomly reappear in a garden, but mainly the work must begin on cleaning, de-rocking, fertilizing, sewing, watering and regarding against forces that with to devour them. This is still not as clear to me as what I had hoped, but I feel God's guiding me down a path to find God's heart revealed. Ultimately, Brad challenged us to Live Generously, even when the road gets tough. I think I'll have to come back to this to refine this post, it seems very : EVERYWHERE?!

SCORE: Scott Family - 1 Skunk - 1


Last night, after a lovely evening of studying Isaiah with our Homegroup, a bit of wine, cheese and of course, conversation, we staggered into home around 11:30, exhausted from the day. We are greeted with the notice that our 3 1/2 year old Boston Terrier, Cyrus, has had a run-in with a skunk....AND LOST! We cannot say with 100% certainty that it was the same skunk that Jonah, recently, trapped and humiliated, but she/he most definitely had motive and opportunity and his/her name to avenge! So, well done, my skunk friend!

SCORE: Scott Family - 1 Skunk - 1