How low can you go?

The odd thing about emotions is that you can go from fine to the depths of despair within moments. This afternoon has been a low, deep and dark place. “I thought I could, but I can’t!” “I want to go home!” “We should have tried harder and longer.” “I am not strong enough.” “I hate this.” This is what I feel and in those moments when my mind was open to allowing these thoughts, they flew and even after I thought I had let myself feel and would be past that part of processing, it happened once again. Instead of napping, Grace decided to spill her sippy cup of water all over her bed & not sleep. Issues with the boys, disagreement in parenting, and the gazillion other stresses I'm carrying...caused an eruption. I have not felt such anger with such strong gail-forces for a very long time. And just so you know, it was "the ugly-cry." I could not stop and everything inside me wanted to destroy and scream. I am truly experiencing the grief that I have kept at bay. It feels like a death, a loss of grand proportion. Not only do I have to suffer my own losses, but he losses of my kids. The stresses of them going to a new school, meeting new friends, attending a new church and having parents who are parenting with high levels of stress upon them. Our truth is that we are homeless and jobless, just like so many other Americans in this crazy time of economic stagnicity. {I just made that word up (-:}
This is not where I ever pictured our story going? There is a child who needs us, stuck in China, we have no means or ability to change that for her. Brian is gifted in so many arena's and hear we are one step from a soup kitchen. Why Lord? Why have You Forsaken Me? I am pissed at God. Wondering how we went from comfortable, happy, to desperate and out-of-control. The one thing I know full well is that I am at the end of my rope. I am not strong enough, and I cannot do this, God MUST. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when ever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-3 I am too weak to feel the excitement of this challenge, to look eagerly into my future and see the blessings that will be given. Today I am just in deep despair. God will meet me there, and I will not stay there long, but it is a part of my process. To add to my despair today, the little Chinese adopted girl, named Lydia, died today around 4:30 after succumbing to Leukemia (AML) that Dr's could never get into remission. I found her story while staying with Jeff & Kim's kids, awhile ago and have followed her health everyday since. Please keep her family in your prayers. Her mother, father, brother and extended family are deeply mourning.

**A new picture of Mei Mei and a short description of her learning to walk from PHF, the orphanage where she is living: And Mei-mei, at four, just began pulling herself and taking steps. The blueness of her skin is discouraging, and there is nothing the doctors can do for her heart, but she pulled herself up anyway. It’s these small celebrations that I love about day-to-day life in the village. Leah Zimmer