part II

As I began to calm and realize that anger and resentment were not Godly wife qualities...I began to search for alternate feelings and emotions. I grabbed my "Power of a Praying Wife," book and began trying to let it all go. I am certainly not there yet! I fall short of being a supportive, loving and patient wife, more than I succeed. After the anger period, I had to begin to think of the "worst case scenario." I had to answer the what if's...and realize that I surely would not die if the fears that paralyzed me were to happen. Honestly, my worst case was, losing the house, having to move the kids from their current school, leaving our friends and support, having to start over again with relationships that I have worked so hard at developing, dealing with heart broken children who were going to loose the friends and comforts of our home and life, leaving a church family that has grown me over the past 14 years, and lastly, possibly having to depend on the financial assistance and even sharing a home with family. I am an independent woman, I like to pay my own way, take care of my own needs, and accepting the offer to live with Brian's Mom felt like loosing ME. I begged God that we'd learn whatever He needed for us to learn without that final blow. God softly told me, there is more! Patience isn't learned in a day...I have so much for you and your biggest fear, you will conquer and overcome. Wow, I'm honored He has so much faith in me, I surely don't, in myself. What do you do when your choices are few? Well, worst case becomes reality and over time, your fears ease, you begin to emotionally challenge yourself to engage and problem solve and have to find the best in every situation. Today, I am excited to begin this adventure. California doesn't scare me, in fact, it promises, ADVENTURE, warm weather!, new places to photography and explore, exposure to the benefits of a huge city like San Francisco (& Chinatown), opportunity to be near family, new people in our lives, new relationships to challenge what I've learned here, choosing a new church family to worship with...endless change and adventures. My next step was to overcome fear. Once I realized that a move was inevitable, fear for my kids, overcame me. Knowing we didn't know much, especially where we'd live and for how long, I knew my two, two, keep the dots very close together type of boys, would be leaving a school they love, moving to another school for an unknown amount of time (until Brian finds a job and we can get a place of our own) and then moving yet again, to another school! The thought of this tortured me! I didn't want to hear, it happens all the times to kids, it happened to me, kids are resilient! These are my tender, sensitive babies who are being ripped out of all they know to be placed into a temporary situation, then once a final move is made and job secured, the third school would come into play! A Mommy just wants the best for her children and I knew there is no way to spin this other than what it is.....a mess! Alas, homeschooling struck me as a possible answer to this complicated matter of the heart. I began to research, curriculum, websites and groups who could offer support. I felt a peace that with my new found information, I could make the choice that was best for our family. Taking my power back, helped relieve the stress of life just happening to me. I now feel at peace about the boys attending the local school in our new location, meeting friends, having a regular schedule and allowing my focus to be on Grace and myself. It's all about process! As we share with people now, I fear they think that my peace seems like relinquishment of hope. Ultimately, for some reason, this is the course that God has placed us on. It is not the one I would have chosen for myself, and doesn't it make sense that the things that God has for us are not visible and understandable in our eyes anyway? Thank goodness I'm not in control of this life! I manage to screw up the few things I handle! God, we are Your's! Take us where You must! We will miss our Spokane life like crazy. Thank you for these amazing years and friends to share them with! We are blessed!