There is a season for everything

Kids are in bed, must blog! I realize that much of my chatter lately has been shallow, so down to some heart issues tonight. Today is day 3 without a migraine and I am a changed woman. Enjoying my kids, and life. Our ritualistic yearly calendar purchase did not occur this year, so I am without one so far. I'm feeling recharged in organizing & even meal planning!!! I barely know what we're having for dinner an hour before, usually - although, I haven't put together anything as of yet, and tonight's dinner was an unplanned mishmash of stuff. The one positive that could come from all this nausea is that maybe I'll loose a few pounds...I'm such a woman! After reading a post from our adoption agencies website, I was reminded about a quote that struck me so deeply. "If God has placed (something) on your heart, He must want you to take responsibility to make sure it happens. God had not called me to do what He had placed on that person's heart. He burdens the heart that He calls. In other words, God rarely shows you the problem so that you can tell someone else about it." I love this! It not only gives me permission to pursue my hearts desires (Godly, ones I mean), but also gives me the freedom to say No, to things that are not mine to do. One of the most profound books in my life was reading the "Boundaries," book by Dr.'s Cloud & Townsend. Saying No, can be Godly! I always thought as a Christian, I should A) Do everything, everyone asked of me, & B) If I didn't want to do it, shame myself into thinking I was a horrible person, non-the-less, a Believer who didn't want to do it, then do it anyway...even with a bad attitude. One of the verses that backed this up for me is, "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." 2 Corinthians 9:7 Ultimately, it is a heart issue to God. This is all quite random, and more of that to come. The other thing that has been on my mind and heart is that I feel that God has given me specific situations around me, to people I know or have met on-line, to reassure me that I can do this. I can make it through this trial! There are many struggles of this world and this is mine for now, for God to use and mold me (or de-mold me, as it may be?) The two blogs that I am specifically speaking of are in my favorites, but here they are: http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/ and the other is about a little girl, adopted from China who has Leukemia and is resistant to remission. As I looked to give this site, it is not allowing me on it, which concerns me that something has happened to this little girl! My point is that other Brothers and Sisters in Christ are in crisis and not abandoned by Christ. I am not alone, I am not being punished and I certainly can endure. The above link is about an amazing family who has adopted many children from around the world. They are Pastors and her heart is transparent for The Lord and their house caught fire and even though they all escaped, there things are a total loss. For a great read, sit down with a cup of something warm and read their story!!! I must be willing to pursue what God has for me to learn and grow through in this, or it will be toiling in vain. "Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 2 Corinthians 15:58
I love the word "Toil" and as it came to mind while writing, I looked in Ecclesiastes, one of my favorite books of the Bible! This is what I read, that frankly, could have been written by me over the past week (only not so beautifully): Ecclesiastes 2 - 3 (portions) 4 I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. 5 I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. 6 I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. 8 I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. 9 I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. 10 ...My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. 11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.
Toil Is Meaningless
17 So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. 18 I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. 19 And who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? Yet he will have control over all the work into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. 20 So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. 21 For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. 22 What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? 23 All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless. 24 A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, 25 for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? 26 To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Ecclesiastes 3 A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
I have been bitter, especially towards Brian's old Company. Laying him off on the last day of the month, so as to avoid insurance premiums for the next month, left us in a huge lurch. We found out today that premiums for just Brian & I would be over $900/month, obviously, a luxury we can't afford. We have prescriptions for medications that we cannot afford to but w/o insurance and my mind goes immediately to some not very nice words and names towards Golf Savings. Just another leak in our vein that we must temporarily plug to stop the bleeding. I have been grieving the loss of the property our house sits on. All the work, planting, cultivating, especially my raspberries that will be in their 2nd year of harvest and will give many berries this coming summer! Something I've always wanted to have that I finally got planted and tended to so carefully to weed and watch-over, a baby of sorts. I try to console myself by thinking of the orange tree I can have in California, the avocado groves....but, I will still miss my raspberries! My lavender and black-eyed susans, my hydrangea that never really grew, my daisies and butterfly attracting flowers...that frankly, I dug out of the frozen tundra at our old house to take to our new house (yes, probably an illegal act)! I still miss our Japanese Maples that we planted as wee babies at our first house, maybe I'm too attached to foliage?
I totally get this passage! It is me, at this time, in this place. God knows! I want to do more than endure and survive. I want to grow and learn, but some days just seem too big. My God is bigger though. This I must remember! Alright, enough heart for tonight. I need to, not think.