Fear is Haunting

It's on rare occasion that I have time to think and process, none-the-less, write about how I'm feeling. But with a recent trauma, only a day past, I find myself needing a place to debrief. Talking is nice, but those deep feelings only seem to emerge when I delve in and let words flow on paper. Yesterday morning Brian phoned and in a calm voice, informed me that Jonah had been found in the locker room at school, unconscious. My first response was disbelief, as I asked Brian, "are you kidding?" I'm not even sure why I would ask that - what a cruel joke. Obviously, my mind could not wrap around it, the context of such news. I hung up and hurriedly gathered Grace to make the trek to the school. My thinking was jumbled, tears flowed, prayerfulish words emerged, and visions of how he got there filled my mind. Driving without a care for things so petty such as laws, we arrived and found where Jonah was placed - in a book room on a bench. My first thought was to assess him, I hugged and teared, glad to have him in my sights. I didn't realize how out-of-it he still was. We tried to obtain some of the story, he had no memory of ANYTHING. It was told to us that he had had an altercation with a student. I felt shame of some sort, as if this was his own doing. Brian objected to the behavior described by the aggressor, I objected silently, but too worried of coming across as the blinded parent, I remained quiet. Facts began to emerge, Jonah was unprovokingly assaulted by a student who was admittedly have a "bad day." The blame began to shift to the aggressor and Jonah's name was freed of wrongdoing. I'm struggling to undo the shame, I hope he can. The CT scan results were positive, no bleeding, no damage. The concussion will run its course and symptoms may last for weeks. The feeling of not being somewhere where my son was completely vulnerable will not go away. I re-play his falling to the ground over and over. I wonder how it happened and think about each scenario, they all end with his 130 pound body and all 6 feet 1 1/2 inches falling hard to the ground - head hitting with gusto and no one there to help. No teacher was present, no friend who noticed the discussion going poorly, no one catching the fact that my son was about to be thrown, pummeled, jumped, elbowed...and land with a crash on the basketball floor. I don't feel anger toward this student, mostly compassion - wanting him to find help for his chaotic life that led him to release great rage and anger on my unsuspecting and kind son. I feel resentment when I twinge with worry each time Jonah gets up to use the bathroom and sways and steadies himself. As I have hurried to catch him so he didn't fall backwards, and planned where he would sleep so he was close to us in case of a middle of the night need, I felt sadness. Something was taken from me, from us, and especially from Jonah - an innocence. The ability to have a normal conversation with classmates and even disagree about something as senseless as a computer type and not worry it may end in violence. I'm not sure if it was something about Jonah that particularily cheesed this person off? Was it Jonah's confidence, his seemingly simplistic life, his athleticism, the fact that he is kind and well liked? I can't know. I've come to the conclusion that it probably wasn't about Jonah, he was likely the guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. If not Jonah, it would have been someone else. The next guy who dared to to disagree or cast a look. Did it happen to us for a purpose? Is our response of grace important? I can't know. Please don't hit my child. Please don't displace your rage and anger on my hard working, kindhearted, caring, son. Not only did it hurt him physically and emotionally, it has left a scar on those who love him. Fear is haunting. Fear knows there is no controlling life. You are offered God's grace to endure what you are handed. Just enough.

"call me immediately"

We had an incident of monumental proportion... I am home, recovering from a cold, trying to move, well...at all, but preferably, forward. The day-ahead seems unsuspecting, then I receive a phone call from the school. It is 10:26 and my son who I've assumed was in class, is not. He has not shown up for school at all today. What? Huh? I had sent him off to youth group with his brother, and then he'd been driven to school. In the moment, slowness, shock and disbelief ensued. I hung up with the school, and thought. Where should that first call go, with precious moments passing. Realizing my son had a phone, I dialed his number...no answer...I probably dialed again. Then I text-ed, "call me immediately" - I dialed his best friend's mom to see if she had seen him. I receive a text back from him..."I'm fine at my friends house" Emotions flood me. Relief, disbelief, fear, but mostly afraid that I'm starting to lose him, that this person I have known, I suddenly don't. It's really the first time this good hearted, and extremely impulsive child has caused me to think his actions may have been premeditated. This is important because I have to know who and what I'm dealing with. I drive up to the house where he's harbored, he comes out immediately...I speak words I barely remember, truthfully not sure what to say, but pretty sure they'd better be harsh and meaningful. We ride to school, I deliver him to the office, shaking. I remember to ask for his one care...his phone, and leave in tears. I return in an hour, calmer, and visit with the Principal who has discussed the gravity of this with my son. She talks, I listen, for about 45 minutes. All I really want to know, is, "how did this happen?" I resolve to let him approach me and not lecture. It takes every bit of shelf control to accomplish doing nothing! He finally says he's ready to discuss the event. I just want to know where his heart is at. It's all that really matters. We discover it was impulsive. A classmates suggestion and an impulsive decision to walk away. In one moment, so much can change. Teaching is difficult, experiencing pain with your children is torturous! It pains me to my soul. I love this child from places I can't even name. He is a part of me, like a branch and even though he's separate, I can still feel his pruning. It is sharp and like the loss of my own limb.

Blessed to battle

Have you ever realized that life is work? I blame that on Eve. The most basic of things requires battle. I am mostly talking about relationship, specifically, marriage. We have been married almost 19 years and fighting for a great marriage requires true determination. This is not a confession of relational discord, merely an acknowledgement of the endurance, strength, and the fight it is to keep it. I may have said this before, but I realize that life in not a gentle stroll uphill. It doesn't start at the bottom and go up from there. It is up, down, up, down, down-some-more, plateau, down-even-further and then truly UP! (Thank God the end of the journey is not merely death!) Choosing to journey and traverse life with someone complicates life. "It's complicated," can be both bad and good. I'm blessed to share it alongside Brian, but it does take work. Our treasured friends are battling cancer, alongside of life. I imagine staring sickness in the face while continuing to do kids, meals, marriage, work...must take a strength beyond. I wonder if there's guilt when relationship is tough in the midst of illness? I think I should appreciate more and criticize less, I really want to feel as blessed as I am. I don't want to lose in order to realize. I've had and lost and unfortunately, it wasn't until I lost that I got it! I know that, and yet, how do you get it while you have it? My answer is always GOD, sometimes its like a Sunday-school question...the answer is always Jesus! LORD, help me to experience the blessings I already have. Humble my heart to feel choose, to be thankful and grateful for the gifts you have given me in the now.

Wisdom revealed...or Arrogance Defined?

Our family has been watching, "The Bible," produced by Mark Burnett & Roma Downey, on the History channel. I am usually not a fan of productions that claim to be biblically/historically accurate. They make me nervous. However, a recommendation from our Pastor, bent me enough to feign interest. The kids (boys, Grace goes to bed too early) were excited for it's unraveling and it has become something we look forward to on Sunday nights together. I admit I follow-along in my bible, reading aloud the details omitted and partially to make sure of its authenticity. We have learned and gathered great information! In the most recent episode, the Story of Jesus was shown and I was caught off guard by my skepticism. Putting myself into the shoes of those who actually experienced Jesus in the flesh, I now have a better understanding for their pause in accepting Him. As I've lived life, I've been tricked, duped, and flat-out lied-to by people. I enter new beliefs with careful data collection and consideration. This can be wisdom revealed, or arrogance defined?! I'm not sure which. The church we now attend, (for about a year and 1/2) seems to hit GRACE hard. Watching Jesus, instead of reading it, gave me a new perspective of His Grace upon sinners. I am challenged to open up even more to GRACE. Judgement is not mine. (Our Pastor in CA once said, "but I'm so good at judgement, it's one of my gifts"...) That was a joke! Sadly, we could all state that jokingly and it still remains truth. LORD, if my skepticism is keeping from Your Truth, please reveal it to me.

I am holey and need Your rays.

I have been thinking about how to locate my heart. Obviously, not physically, but I notice that music and writing seem to have a direct access. I struggle in feeling less-than honest when speaking to people and not sharing every detail of my feelings, but have found myself burnt by living that way. Honesty comes naturally for me. I'm not sure why or even when I developed this heart to share? My worldview and therefore how I live, (too much Core 350) really surrounds the fact that too many people waste valuable time faking it. So much effort is placed on "looking" good and pulled-together. It just feels like lying to me, and I really feel it from the heart, not out of judgement for others. It's just not who I am. I have received so much blessing from hearing the stories of others. Living this life alone is unbearable. In high school, I think I did not share my true story with people. This bold, overly-busy to avoid pain, teenager emerged. She was dedicated in sports, if not consumed. I needed to be good and stand out and where I found that was boys, sports and friends. I'd be curious to know how people interpreted me. Maybe desperate, maybe confident, maybe neither? That person is not at all, who I am now. I am quite shy, just realizing...insecure really. I called it perfectionist, but recently (actually yesterday) it dawned on me that not having grace for yourself is another way to describe being insecure! Working the past 6 months has helped define just how inadequate I am. Working has a way of bringing your deficiencies right-out! Also, with less time to emotionally meet the needs of my family, my lacking is also brought to my attention at home. I am just me. I am learning to embrace myself, realizing more and more how needing I am of a Savior. I am not what I once thought, I am able to see more holes and frankly, it points me to Christ. LORD, shine your Glory through my holes. May YOUR rays be enough for my family and my job.

It's a S L O W process

This month is one of celebrations & days that mark the road map of life for our family. The 21st, is the date we received Gracyn in China! It is a day that we remember the blessing and miracle of adoption. It has become tradition to watch her "Gotcha Video," that Brian created from the video and still shots we took while in China. It is emotional to watch and truly brings the amazement and awe we experienced while on our journey to add a precious child to our family. August also marks the month we returned from California, back to Spokane, after a year-and-a-half of shear "desert" for our family. Even as I write that, I hesitate to say desert, because as we get further and further from the rawness of the experience, the actuality becomes more clear to me. It was torturous, it was bring-me-to-my-knees crap, but I do see and am able to realize God, His hand, His blessings, in the midst. I hate that it was what is was. I hate the way it had to be done...but I am better for it and through it. I have perspectives I never had, I am grateful for the S L O W moving blessings of re-building, as they come...& I am at Peace. I began a new job, two days ago! It is a step in the healing journey of the past years. It is my dream job and I plan on being there forever! Coming to this job encompasses many small steps, nudges from God really, that led me to the experience and courage I needed to seek and receive. I've been a stay-at-home-mom for 13.5 years and frankly, no one was knocking down my door to employ me. Although I'm confident in my abilities and drive, I did not have relevant experience to even begin working in an area that may match my passions. About 10 months ago, probably actually 11...during the first weeks of a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class, Brian and I were instructed to create a budget. We were still reeling from the financial disaster of Brian loosing his job, years before, trying to balance 3 young kids who were not in school full-time and meeting the obligations and reality of the income required to support a family of five. After seeing the numbers, we knew one of us had to work an evening job. We both applied, agreeing that the first one to get an offer would accept. (I was fairly motivated, knowing 24-hour single-parenting was probably not my spiritual gift!) I received an offer for a catering company and began immediately. The job grew and grew, they gave me raises and promoted me and soon I was working most, and then, ALL weekends. I did enjoy the work, coordinating weddings and events, however, I was missing kids' concerts, soccer games, and life. It is probably the single most thing that helped create a greater bond between Grace and Brian (she mostly depended upon me for her needs and wants) and had many positives, but it began wearing me thin. Physically, being on my feet for 8-10 hours was brutal and I began to hear God's soft voice to search for a job at Whitworth. So many seeds had been planted to direct me to Whitworth, so many years before even, but it was time. I interviewed for a position and was not offered the job, but told to continue seeking. (Thank goodness for the personal decline phone-call and affirmation, or I may have quit trying.) Many months later I applied, interviewed, hoped & prayed...and it was to be. Brian is still interviewing...we are still on the quest to know what God has in-store for him. It is S L O W progress, but it is a road I'd never had traveled if it weren't for God and His Ways, but It. Is. Good. And, for today...I am at Peace in God's hands, knowing He led me, He promises me the best and life is a journey, not a destination.

Yikes, the blogger format changed! Guess I should write more if I want to be in-the-loop! Life seems to be steadying up a bit for us. As the waves of the storm seem to be lessening, it becomes easier to get through weeks without feeling like I'm at the end of my rope. Time goes by quicker, smoother, and I notice myself sad over the loss of my kids being little and wanting to savor each moment more. It really is as if we chugged up the roller coaster and the downhill ride is but a moment in time. One of the biggest things I've reflected upon lately is that the answer to our problems, we "know" is best is not always so. I have been working with an Event & Wedding company for 7 months and I was sure me returning to work would not only stunt our children, but would involve me kicking and screaming every time I had to work. I actually like my job, enjoy the differences and youth that I primarily work with and have learned so much about myself and being a leader in the past months! It has challenged me in ways being at home never could. My employer has increased my pay twice and promoted me to Wedding & Event Coordinator, something, I never imagined I'd be. I primarily work at high-end corporate, political & private home events and have met many leaders in our community. My sphere of influence is greatly larger and I'm sure it was God's plan all-along, despite my whining, complaining & refusal. It was a process for me and fear of the unknown definitely held me still. Change is scary, it has it's bumps and bruises, for sure. I'm content in my life and frankly, too busy to fixate in the area's that still frustrate me. Being a Mom to a teenager has also brought a share of change. It is not easier as they get older! It takes more investigating, more diligence and a calmer spirit than I currently have. My 13 year old is an amazing "button pusher." He must score in the brilliance level in this area & quite high in attitude also! We're so proud! Combating this attitude is a skill I've yet to figure out, I continue to let it rile me up and, man does it happen fast. If boys are easier as teenagers, I don't know how I'll manage Grace! I know that time and failure will teach me and I've handed over much parenting to Brian. The Dad's touch seems to work better. Something about my emotions and those of a teenage, hormone raging teen-age boy, seem to create a reaction of scientific proportion. (He's probably way too much like me!) I feel like I've conquered a dragon of epic per-portion over the past years and I hope that the next few give me pause and stability....just sayin'...but not really expectin' it to be so!

Looking for the boat, not the Rescuer!

Often when much time lapses between posts it is because most of what I have to say is negative and frankly I don't want to be negative and I really don't want a permanent record of my negativity! So as I return to public emotional sharing, I am cautious what, and when, I write. I find myself wondering if David felt this way when writing the Psalms? The ones that I read when I can only wallow in sadness and I'm not strong enough to read about hope and joy. Thank goodness God can meet us in the valley and on top of the mountain!
This past month has taken me into depths that seem grim and are uninviting. Ones that are lonely and where I've felt hopelessness. I know that Satan loves to usher me into these hidden rooms, filled with darkness, despair and shame. I try to talk myself out of feeling this way, however, it is often like using a spoon in a mile-wide hole. I do know that talking about how I feel, ALWAYS makes me feel better. I am relational by nature and so usually it is the first place I go when I'm feeling low, but occasionally, when these waves that make me tumble under the water's surface and gasp for breath, come, talking is the last thing I can do. It is really as if I literally can not muster the strength to speak. When I finally lean into my precious friends and open-up, relief comes bursting through, usually instantaneously. Turning on the light spooks away the shadows, the unknown and the cowardly devil who lurks about, waiting to devour me.
I am so prone to sin it's ridiculous! I am knowingly ungrateful and on top of that, guilt ridden for it. I am beginning to understand how sin leads to death if not kept in check. What doesn't get you coming, surely will going! All this to say, while this life if brutal and I surely don't make it any easier, it continues, and I grow just a smudge through each battle. I am having to learn not to be lead by emotions. They ebb & flow way too much. I find myself in the deepest holes, when I become too eager too quickly. When a tiny spark and glimmer of hope is inflated to my life preserver and then turns out to be.....A ROCK. Maybe if my desperation is for God and not a fix to my trials, I'll find less emotional upheaval when things don't turn out the way I hope or the way I've constructed God's will. I've been addicted to looking for the rescue boat, not the Rescuer! I feel like God is saying, "I'm Right Here!" and my response is, "Who are you sending to save me?" I'm not a fan of this unveiling because I'm a doer. Submitting to God is not about doing and I don't like things I'm not good at.
God, thank you for revealing my sin as I write this. I do not like it, but I accept your correction and dive into Your Grace. Help me to see You, My Rescuer!

Don't Ever Quit!

Today is one of those days where you just throw up your arms and YELL, "WHY?"

When I was in high school, I ran the 400 meter race in Track. I was rated highly in our district, won most of my events, went to District every year and ran at State all four years for the 1600M Relay and once for the 400 where I placed 6th. (I believe my Relay team may still hold the school record to this day.) My name was embroidered into my Sherwood Bowman warm-up jacket and I loved coming onto the track and knowing my competitors knew who I was! For those of you who are unfamiliar with Track, as a sport, Intimidation Is Necessary!! It can win races!

Confidence overlays where practice, speed, and strategy may fall short. And, yes there is strategy beyond running your fastest for a quarter-of-a-mile.

In our relay team, I always ran first. On a typical team, the quickest runs the final leg, making-up any difference and to WIN. Although, depending on the make-up of our team, I often had the best time, I was not the strongest closer! My great friend, Tiffany was! It did not matter how far she was behind, forcing her to run an all time best....she would GET IT DONE! She had the tenacity, strength and sheer will to overcome. She Always ran our final leg and we knew she would never, ever quit.

Today, we once again, after 2 lengthy interviews, drug-testing, personality testing and hope....hear that a job is not going to be offered to Brian. Did I mention this has taken place over 6 Long months?! We have put ourselves out there over and over for this job. The emotional ups & downs have been lofty....we've nearly given up, and then tried again, during this process. But it is at the end.

I could say, "God's in control," (and He is)! I could say, "It's for the best," but disappointment is the first thing that greets me behind that door. A better description would be: I'm sucked into the house, like oxygen is heaved forward caused by a vacuum effect in a burning building! "WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY??"

And then I remember, "My God is Greater, My God is Stronger, My God is Higher than any other, Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our GOD!" And I take another breath and I Don't Ever Quit, even though I'm sure I'm not able on my own. And God says, "PERFECT," NOW LET ME!"

The Gift

While we often talk about China and adoption in our house, this past year in Grace's life, she has become more aware & contemplative. Her questions come more often and she is putting together the pieces and meaning of adoption in her mind.

It broke my heart to know that as she matured, she'd not only hear the amazement side of her adoption story, but also feel the tinge of hurt and experience loss. The Story of GRACE has changed the course of everything! {Doesn't it always!!} Despair in wanting a baby, the HOPE adoption brings and the JOY in the experience is beyond words.

***This song is for GRACE!

THE GIFT (Jim Brickman)

Winter snow is falling down
Children laughing all around
Lights are turning on
like a fairy tale come true.

Sitting by the fire we made
You're the answer when I prayed
I would find someone
and baby I found you.

All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
and I'm thankful every day
for the gift.

Watching as you softly sleep
What I'd give if I could keep
Just this moment
if only time stood still.

But the colors fade away
And the years will make us grey
But baby in my eyes
You'll still be beautiful.

All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I'm thankful every day
for the gift.

All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
I can't find the words to say
That I'm thankful every day
for the gift.

Yesterday, we were talking about Cyrus, our Boston Terrier and she asked if he missed his mom. I really felt, we were no longer talking about the dog, but how she may be feeling. I asked her if she missed her China mom...she broke down, tear-eyed and said in her sweet, delicate little voice..."I don't even remember what she looks like."

I held her...

we found a picture of her "Finding Spot," and talked in more detail than we ever had.

She needs to know.

It pains me greatly.

We do not know any specifics, just about the One Child Policy imposed in 1979 and how it has caused many children, many infant girls, to be placed into orphanages.

Because of our belief in GOD, we know that He knew and ordained Grace to be in our family. Even when God's plan come together in miraculous order, there can still be pain.

Grace, I LOVE YOU more and deeper than I ever thought I could experience love. The miracle of you coming to our family only makes me more grateful for you. The color of our skin may be different, our eyes are not the same, but YOU ARE a part of me! I feel your joy & your pain! Our family is not complete without YOU! Thank you GOD for THE GIFT!

Forgetfulness and my Ebenezer stone

I am forgetful! I know this about myself and have tools in-place in my life to compensate for it, but I do still forget. This seems to coincide with human, sinful nature and my relationship with God. This past week, God has literally, placed me where I needed to be (working miraculous to get me there), given me and idea and words to accomplish this task (miraculous enough to MOVE a CEO of a bank to place a personal phone call to my husband about a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I STILL have DOUBT and fear and disbelief!!!! I know...

I am humbled back into God's Word and his arms because I cannot do it on my own. Even the Mac-Daddy of miracles, and I still remain faithless. I found the Old Testament story of the Israelites victory over the Philistines, led by Samuel. How, while they ..."were afraid" (v7) and "They said to Samuel, Do not stop crying out to the LORD our God for us, that he may rescue us from the hand of the Philistines." (v8) and then Samuel offered a sacrifice and cried out to God. "He cried out to the LORD on Israel's behalf, and the LORD answered him." (v9) And after that victory, 12"Samuel took a stone and set it up between Miszpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." 13 So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again."

In the story, I am the Israelites, who continue to not get it! I hear God's voice, strong and clear, I feel God's presence, I feel God's direction, and yet, moments later I stumble. I giggle when I read James 1:23-24, and yet, it suddenly isn't so funny because I find myself doing it. 23 "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." Moments after God has revealed Himself in miraculous ways, I forget.

God, I offer a sacrifice of myself, my pride, my fear, my control, my doubt. I know You are good and that Your timing is not mine, that faith is a moment by moment choice and I choose to believe even though I am fearful and weak. Please increase my faith. I write this as my Ebenezer stone, remembering and commemorating that the LORD helped us.

Divine Appointment

...HE CALLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, now that doesn't mean much because I have not told the rest of the story...so here it goes...

Since taking the job and working events, my schedule takes place in the evenings. Many things happen during our week, being a typical busy family with sports, string and choir concerts, special occasions, biblestudy etc...so my general philosophy has been to let God be in control of making my schedule and request as little off as possible, without missing HUGELY important events in my family.

My middle son had a birthday coming up and I opted not to request the day off, but again, lay it in God's capable hands and make his special day whatever one I wasn't working.
I got my schedule and I was scheduled to work his birthday, we rearranged things so we could do a family celebration the day before and his party was the day after. No Problem (a little guilt though, to be completely honest.) I then received an e-mail from my employer saying that the event had been moved and I'd be off!!
Hurray, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

All was great until I got a call from work, the day before his birthday, asking me to fill in for another event, on that same night. After talking to Brian and feeling at peace, I agreed and was scheduled to work an "In Home," event at a clients personal residence. I soon learned that the party was a formal baby shower and the host was the CEO and Chairman of a local B A N K! (Hmmm) We went to the event, set-up, served, hosted and I prayed that an opportunity may arise for me to make a connection for Brian, in regards to a possible job lead.
The party ended, and while I am a bold writer, I am very shy and professional in person, careful not to mix personal with work. We get ready to leave and the hosts give me a check, as a gratuity. Now, the amount was almost THREE TIMES, any gratuity I had ever received and while my bottom lip hit the floor, I excitedly drove away, praising God for this blessing, especially, in knowing the struggles I had had in working this particular evening.
While driving home and just talking to God about the irony of me being in the CEO of a BANKS house, while we are desperately trying to find my husband a job (with 15 years of finance experience!!) it becomes even clearer that this was a DIVINE APPOINTMENT, set by God and should not be wasted! God continued to impress upon me that I should send the generous amount back, share part of our story, and ask him for something far more valuable....his time.
While I am confident with my own writing ability, this letter was truly God inspired! It was not ME! The words poured out, exuding honesty, vulnerability and asking for something far beyond my wildest dreams...a personal meeting and consideration for a position within his company for my husband.
The letter was sent on Friday, we received a call fourteen days later!! PRAISE GOD! He moved moutains!!

Andrew Peterson's Dancing in the Minefields

"Follow God & He will change you."

I made an appointment with writing and God today, because although I've prayed and sought Him, I am craving seeing, touching and feeling His Words and Hearing His Voice speak only to me today.

The past months have been relentless, financial burdens have been in-my-face since signing up and attending the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Course through our church! On about week 3 I renamed it..."Financial NOT-Peace," due to the intensity and marital discord being strewn about in it's path! There were moments I questioned everything, I was humbled and broken, mean, fearful...Oh was I fearful! However, my loving and patient husband, held on, pursued me and talked to me, as we began to un-layer the issues. We began to dream, plan and design Hope once again. After being beat and kicked in the face so many times, hope begins to fade, cynicism becomes a good friend, doubt a shadow and FEAR, an unshakable enemy. The Faith and Hope I've known all along becomes dulled and distant, the enemy whispers that those attributes of God are for some, maybe the "best" believers, the privileged...but not for me. So shaking these lies requires valence and confidence....AND GOD! I could never do it...never, never, by myself. "For everyone born of God overcomes the world..."

Slowly, I regain traction, able to hear ever so faintly, the sweet Hope that is Jesus, that He offer's freely to me. It is an outright battle! "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, PUT ON...STAND FIRM...TAKE UP...AND PRAY!" (emphasis added, portions of Ephesians 6:10 - 18)

It is not passive, it is exhausting. I do it for my husband, for my children, for my God and myself, because I know the TRUTH, now I must do it! As I write this, I am not THERE. I have not arrived, but I am fighting. It is bloody, it requires sacrifice and pain, risk beyond where I am comfortable and so much more.

What does it literally look like? I found a job, something I've hated the idea of! Something I've prayed that would not be required because my heart is and has always been to be with my children full-time. I humbly serve at a Catering Company, something I have experience in and allows for flexible evening hours to accommodate our three kids' schedules. Brian sacrifices sleep, by working from 7:00 - 3:00 so he can be available to be home for the kids, cook, clean, laundry, bus & homework the kids while I'm away. We both sacrifice precious time together and relaxation in order to pick up the slack. I've missed soccer game highlights, dinners, communication, even a birthday, to be available to work. Dave Ramsey's motto is, "Live like no one else, so you can Live like no one else," and it is this mantra that get's me through some days. This is not forever, it is for a time.

One of the pivotal beliefs I've struggled with through this is FAITH. When the crap hits the fan, will I cling to knowing God has my back and my best interest, or cling to fear and my own devices? I wrestle with the balance of working at things on my own, versus letting God. Times I focus on praying and depending upon God, and times I focus on doing...neither seem to have availed, which leaves me confused. Friends have seen my struggle and see the need for me to release and let go, breath in God's Peace. I have to find the sweet spot between being okay with this route and being true to who I am. I am a fighter, I expect much of myself and others, but yet need to see life not through my own finite eyes, but through Christ's eternal eyes.

I'm learning to listen more closely, to obey more fully and Trust without abandon. To be honest, I suck at it! Thankfully, our Pastor has taught for months, with one sentence being the basic principle, "Follow God, & He will change you." It is this that I must do! Luckily, it is the only thing I can do.

Laundry and life beckons...so my story must pause, but this past Saturday morning was one of completely risking and abandoning in faith. A circumstance, orchestrated by God, that required obedience, rashness, risk and potential loss. Something that may result in amazement, or may purely be about obedience? Stay tuned for the details...

quiet...waiting...

A few moments of quietness...day 3 of the new school year with all three kids in school. My little Grace is in Kindergarten and while she's so thrilled, and I'm glad to have a short time to accomplish tasks and choose what I want to do, it's change!

*Sidenote - I'm listening to Gungor's, "Beautiful Things," & WOW (it's in my playlist, check it out)! Passionate, moving, intimate, deep, humbling and true! LOVE IT!

I haven't posted for the past 3 months and it accurately portrays the reality of my summer months, not one moment for myself! Turns out 12 & 10 year old boys are not anymore able to self-entertain than they were when they were 3 & 1! A constant vigil over them staying out of trouble was how I spent most of my energy. I am so blessed to know them so closely and be available for the many life lessons we've entered into this summer, but I am tired. I need to spend time re-acquainting me with myself.

Both boys, thanks to my mom, aka, Gran, attended Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp, on the Oregon Coast and had a blast. We swam a ton, despite the slow start to summer weather, had a glorious week in Bend, OR as a family and spent many hours in close quarters at home.

In accordance with the same lesson I seem to learn & re-learn, while we were on our family vacation in Bend, Brian received an e-mail about a job he had applied for months prior. We had devised a strict and "light yourself on fire," (Dave Ramsey) marketing plan for two companies we felt were a good match in value & position for Brian to hound for a job. We worked it and of course, the interview would be delivered by God's provision, not our work!! His first interview went stellar, we followed rigid protocol, sent thank you notes, follow-up emails etc...the second interview was great and now we find ourselves in a common spot, WAITING! No immediate gratification here! Again, we email, leave messages and pray for God's will to be revealed. It is not easy and knowing I have no control (but God does) is only head knowledge some moments and not really something I practice. I remind myself....and painfully wait. I'm anxious for disappointment, it's really our most experienced emotion.

not now

I have this certain question that keeps plaguing me with anxiousness. Just when I believe that I'm confident of my answer, something, usually a story, book, blog, or real life event occurs that gnaws into my heart and causes me to re-think, or re-submit. It has emerged recently due to, of all things, a garage-sale! We were once again, going through things to purge and share with others and I came upon them, "Gracyn's outgrown clothes!" They haunt and torment me! I/We, do not debate having another biological child (LORD, please do not teach me, Not My Will But Thine, in this way!) However, adoption is and will forever be, a passion & love. How can you possibly have one of the MOST amazing, eye opening experiences in your life and not have your heart remain soft to the opportunity of going through it all again? I continually wrestle with this and desperately beg God for a definite answer. All I can know is my answer for this moment and it is, Not Now. So I quickly re-pose, as if God didn't hear the whole question....not now? not ever? like in 5 years? my quiver is full? what age? china? wouldn't a sister close to grace's age be best? i love the 12-18 month age? we're getting too old! i can't possibly! i can't be done? {I turn into, basically, a badgering 2 year old.}

Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.

Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle!

My reading as of late has included Photography Business & Marketing, thus leaving my head full, but heart a bit empty, so when a friend recommended a great read and company to discuss it, I was in!

I have been missing my California days of an awesome book club that read Fiction Novels together; we discussed them over coffee and even an occasional movie, dinner & phone call with the Author. While looking for small groups at our new church, www.LakesideChurch.com, a book club was presented and although I do enjoy reading, I would hardly call myself an avid-reader. I took the opportunity to meet new people, to be a part of something new, and it turned out that I loved it! Since leaving California and my book club, I have missed the thrill of a good book and better yet, friends to discuss, provoke thought & challenge in my thinking.

"One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp delivers vivid, descriptive, feeling filled writing with the graphic existence that we so often bump-up-against in life. Her story begins with a gripping childhood horror story of her little sister's death in the road outside their rural farm home. Her first memory and the bitter reality of this world's cold truth and it is something we can all relate to. Maybe not death of a sibling, or child, but, LOSS itself. "One Thousand Gifts," is the journey how one woman, mother, sister, friend, searches for meaning and fullness in a dream crushing, world. It's the exploration of "living fully so we are fully ready to die."

And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...{Luke 22:19}

"He gave thanks: reads "Eucharisteo." Charis means "grace," (a name and word close to my heart!) And, Chara, meaning "joy." Joy & Grace, closely intertwined...

Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.

Jesus offered thanks even amidst the most difficult upcoming event and wants us to do the same. "Thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." Communion is about "celebrating greater gain through great loss."

These first two chapters are brutally convicting, a blow to exactly where I stand in pride, argument & disobedience to my God. As I sit in church today, I realize that there are so many things going right in my life. Why is it that the one area that sucks seems to envelop my thinking and seep into and contaminate everything else? In a word, Satan, in another, Sin.

I knew this book was about being thankful, but I didn't realize that it would require such trust and abandon.

My NEVER AGAIN moment

Not many days go by that I don't just randomly state, "I Love Dave Ramsey!" And today is no exception. While listening to his radio broadcast, he made a statement to a caller that had a profound effect on me. I haven't had many "A ha Moments" lately, which leaves me to wonder whether I'm not hearing or reading anything worthy, or if I personally am on a plateau of weighty thoughts?

Dave often talks about his own financial ruin and how he learned to change his thinking with regards to debt. At the bottom, he had a "NEVER AGAIN" moment that forever changed his path.

I have had more "NEVER AGAIN" moments in my life than "A ha" ones, for sure! I have managed, in all my wisdom and education, to make a butt-load of, what-turned-out-to-be, bad decisions, thus leading my straight into "NEVER AGAIN" reflection! When we sold our under-valued dream house and headed to live with family in a declining job market and economy, I can truthfully say that not one person told us we were wise, or doing the right thing. Although a choice so drastic is not for everyone, it was what was right for us. We had already been through over a decade and a half of financial ebbs and flows that are a reality in the Real Estate business and knew, also from experience, that financing this hardship through debt was not a road we wanted to pick. However, when the tough road we chose was not laiden with gold and dreams were quickly dashed because this sacrifice did not immediately pay-off or out, I began to question. The next 18 months were ones of struggle and while we were blessed in ways we only now see, while in it, felt like we were upon the storm of our lives.

So today, when Dave Ramsey spoke of getting to the point through life's trials of having the Never Again moment, I felt hope! Even though I do feel as if we made the smartest decisions possible, and even though we gave up so much and endured a washers experience of life...we can truly say, "NEVER AGAIN!" We will be more cautious in the size of home we purchase, we will continue to use cash and not debt to buy items, we will guard our six month, just in case emergency fund, we will commit to paying off our home early etc...because, I NEVER AGAIN want to be placed in a situation where I have to choose to let it all go in order to stay out of debt!

To read more about Dave Ramsey's Radical financial strategies, check out www.DaveRamsey.com and one of his many books, "The Total Money Makeover."

Wear rubber boots...

We are on our last day of our weeks vacation in Long Beach, WA. It has been a humble vacation, one that keeps us on our tight budget, but a break away none-the-less. One of the days, we drove to Ledbetter Point Park for a hike. We chose the 2.8 mile loop and headed out with blue skies and great expectations. As life often brings, we were in for a tad-wetter and longer trek than we had planned! We burrowed through the thick vegetation and sometimes mucky trail, feeling great as we came upon the last .9 mile sign. "Sweet, less than a mile to go," we innocently thought and even shared aloud! The rain began and the trail shrunk and we found ourselves within minutes of the end of the trail with a full-on flood looming over and entirely around the path. We took inventory of the thick terrain and flooded path and found no way possible to pass. We turned around and headed back the way we came, probably around 2.6 miles!

The weather was coming down fairly steadily by now, hair soaked and thighs-cold from the beating rain and all I could think, was, "What did I miss that God felt the need to send me back to catch?" I hate these re-do types of life-lessons! I can't say I had a life-altering encounter with myself on the reverse hike back, but the irony of it all is not lost on me either. If nothing else...wear rubber boots when hiking on the Western side of the state!!

"Choosing to See"

I was loaned the book, "Choosing to SEE," by Mary Beth Chapman, Steven Curtis Chapman's (Christian Music Writer/Singer) wife. Their story is a horrific one, one of loosing a child. Their life took a devastating turn, as explained in an excerpt from her book:

"Then everything changed forever. I realized I was hearing odd sounds outside-not just the yelling of happy play but screams and commotion. I bolted into the kitchen to head outside just as Shooey ran up the back steps and met me there. "Mom!" she yelled. "Will's hit Maria with the car!" I flew outside. Will was near the garage, holding his little sister in his arms. There was a lot of blood, on both of them. "Maria!" Will was crying. "Maria! Wake Up!"

This is a mind boggling life story that just leaves me with so many questions. Mostly, all starting with WHY?! It is poignant and vulnerable and Real, all favorites of mine. It is not a story emphasizing death, but living life with hurts. How life continues, even after tragedy and disappointment and we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other on a daily basis, even when our heart is broken. I'm not sure why God directed me to this book, it truly hurt to read it. It deeply scares, actually makes we want to drop to the floor and kick and scream, saying, "Not me Lord, don't ever let me have to feel such pain!"

May 21, 2009 Maria Chapman, born in China, the same age as my Grace, left this earth to be with The LORD and I can tell you that I held my own precious China daughter tighter and remembered the miracle and gift she is to me, a little more clearly tonight! LORD, please help me to realize the gift of each day, that You do not promise us forever here on this earth. We are not fully at home here because this is not our Forever Home, but just Until! Praise You God that we have a Hope and knowledge of beyond this broken world. Thank You that You are God, and we are not and that our pain and our story that you bestow upon us is for Your Glory. May I be a good steward of my story and may it indeed be to Your Glory!