not now

I have this certain question that keeps plaguing me with anxiousness. Just when I believe that I'm confident of my answer, something, usually a story, book, blog, or real life event occurs that gnaws into my heart and causes me to re-think, or re-submit. It has emerged recently due to, of all things, a garage-sale! We were once again, going through things to purge and share with others and I came upon them, "Gracyn's outgrown clothes!" They haunt and torment me! I/We, do not debate having another biological child (LORD, please do not teach me, Not My Will But Thine, in this way!) However, adoption is and will forever be, a passion & love. How can you possibly have one of the MOST amazing, eye opening experiences in your life and not have your heart remain soft to the opportunity of going through it all again? I continually wrestle with this and desperately beg God for a definite answer. All I can know is my answer for this moment and it is, Not Now. So I quickly re-pose, as if God didn't hear the whole question....not now? not ever? like in 5 years? my quiver is full? what age? china? wouldn't a sister close to grace's age be best? i love the 12-18 month age? we're getting too old! i can't possibly! i can't be done? {I turn into, basically, a badgering 2 year old.}

Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.