I am holey and need Your rays.

I have been thinking about how to locate my heart. Obviously, not physically, but I notice that music and writing seem to have a direct access. I struggle in feeling less-than honest when speaking to people and not sharing every detail of my feelings, but have found myself burnt by living that way. Honesty comes naturally for me. I'm not sure why or even when I developed this heart to share? My worldview and therefore how I live, (too much Core 350) really surrounds the fact that too many people waste valuable time faking it. So much effort is placed on "looking" good and pulled-together. It just feels like lying to me, and I really feel it from the heart, not out of judgement for others. It's just not who I am. I have received so much blessing from hearing the stories of others. Living this life alone is unbearable. In high school, I think I did not share my true story with people. This bold, overly-busy to avoid pain, teenager emerged. She was dedicated in sports, if not consumed. I needed to be good and stand out and where I found that was boys, sports and friends. I'd be curious to know how people interpreted me. Maybe desperate, maybe confident, maybe neither? That person is not at all, who I am now. I am quite shy, just realizing...insecure really. I called it perfectionist, but recently (actually yesterday) it dawned on me that not having grace for yourself is another way to describe being insecure! Working the past 6 months has helped define just how inadequate I am. Working has a way of bringing your deficiencies right-out! Also, with less time to emotionally meet the needs of my family, my lacking is also brought to my attention at home. I am just me. I am learning to embrace myself, realizing more and more how needing I am of a Savior. I am not what I once thought, I am able to see more holes and frankly, it points me to Christ. LORD, shine your Glory through my holes. May YOUR rays be enough for my family and my job.