"call me immediately"

We had an incident of monumental proportion... I am home, recovering from a cold, trying to move, well...at all, but preferably, forward. The day-ahead seems unsuspecting, then I receive a phone call from the school. It is 10:26 and my son who I've assumed was in class, is not. He has not shown up for school at all today. What? Huh? I had sent him off to youth group with his brother, and then he'd been driven to school. In the moment, slowness, shock and disbelief ensued. I hung up with the school, and thought. Where should that first call go, with precious moments passing. Realizing my son had a phone, I dialed his number...no answer...I probably dialed again. Then I text-ed, "call me immediately" - I dialed his best friend's mom to see if she had seen him. I receive a text back from him..."I'm fine at my friends house" Emotions flood me. Relief, disbelief, fear, but mostly afraid that I'm starting to lose him, that this person I have known, I suddenly don't. It's really the first time this good hearted, and extremely impulsive child has caused me to think his actions may have been premeditated. This is important because I have to know who and what I'm dealing with. I drive up to the house where he's harbored, he comes out immediately...I speak words I barely remember, truthfully not sure what to say, but pretty sure they'd better be harsh and meaningful. We ride to school, I deliver him to the office, shaking. I remember to ask for his one care...his phone, and leave in tears. I return in an hour, calmer, and visit with the Principal who has discussed the gravity of this with my son. She talks, I listen, for about 45 minutes. All I really want to know, is, "how did this happen?" I resolve to let him approach me and not lecture. It takes every bit of shelf control to accomplish doing nothing! He finally says he's ready to discuss the event. I just want to know where his heart is at. It's all that really matters. We discover it was impulsive. A classmates suggestion and an impulsive decision to walk away. In one moment, so much can change. Teaching is difficult, experiencing pain with your children is torturous! It pains me to my soul. I love this child from places I can't even name. He is a part of me, like a branch and even though he's separate, I can still feel his pruning. It is sharp and like the loss of my own limb.

Blessed to battle

Have you ever realized that life is work? I blame that on Eve. The most basic of things requires battle. I am mostly talking about relationship, specifically, marriage. We have been married almost 19 years and fighting for a great marriage requires true determination. This is not a confession of relational discord, merely an acknowledgement of the endurance, strength, and the fight it is to keep it. I may have said this before, but I realize that life in not a gentle stroll uphill. It doesn't start at the bottom and go up from there. It is up, down, up, down, down-some-more, plateau, down-even-further and then truly UP! (Thank God the end of the journey is not merely death!) Choosing to journey and traverse life with someone complicates life. "It's complicated," can be both bad and good. I'm blessed to share it alongside Brian, but it does take work. Our treasured friends are battling cancer, alongside of life. I imagine staring sickness in the face while continuing to do kids, meals, marriage, work...must take a strength beyond. I wonder if there's guilt when relationship is tough in the midst of illness? I think I should appreciate more and criticize less, I really want to feel as blessed as I am. I don't want to lose in order to realize. I've had and lost and unfortunately, it wasn't until I lost that I got it! I know that, and yet, how do you get it while you have it? My answer is always GOD, sometimes its like a Sunday-school question...the answer is always Jesus! LORD, help me to experience the blessings I already have. Humble my heart to feel choose, to be thankful and grateful for the gifts you have given me in the now.

Wisdom revealed...or Arrogance Defined?

Our family has been watching, "The Bible," produced by Mark Burnett & Roma Downey, on the History channel. I am usually not a fan of productions that claim to be biblically/historically accurate. They make me nervous. However, a recommendation from our Pastor, bent me enough to feign interest. The kids (boys, Grace goes to bed too early) were excited for it's unraveling and it has become something we look forward to on Sunday nights together. I admit I follow-along in my bible, reading aloud the details omitted and partially to make sure of its authenticity. We have learned and gathered great information! In the most recent episode, the Story of Jesus was shown and I was caught off guard by my skepticism. Putting myself into the shoes of those who actually experienced Jesus in the flesh, I now have a better understanding for their pause in accepting Him. As I've lived life, I've been tricked, duped, and flat-out lied-to by people. I enter new beliefs with careful data collection and consideration. This can be wisdom revealed, or arrogance defined?! I'm not sure which. The church we now attend, (for about a year and 1/2) seems to hit GRACE hard. Watching Jesus, instead of reading it, gave me a new perspective of His Grace upon sinners. I am challenged to open up even more to GRACE. Judgement is not mine. (Our Pastor in CA once said, "but I'm so good at judgement, it's one of my gifts"...) That was a joke! Sadly, we could all state that jokingly and it still remains truth. LORD, if my skepticism is keeping from Your Truth, please reveal it to me.

I am holey and need Your rays.

I have been thinking about how to locate my heart. Obviously, not physically, but I notice that music and writing seem to have a direct access. I struggle in feeling less-than honest when speaking to people and not sharing every detail of my feelings, but have found myself burnt by living that way. Honesty comes naturally for me. I'm not sure why or even when I developed this heart to share? My worldview and therefore how I live, (too much Core 350) really surrounds the fact that too many people waste valuable time faking it. So much effort is placed on "looking" good and pulled-together. It just feels like lying to me, and I really feel it from the heart, not out of judgement for others. It's just not who I am. I have received so much blessing from hearing the stories of others. Living this life alone is unbearable. In high school, I think I did not share my true story with people. This bold, overly-busy to avoid pain, teenager emerged. She was dedicated in sports, if not consumed. I needed to be good and stand out and where I found that was boys, sports and friends. I'd be curious to know how people interpreted me. Maybe desperate, maybe confident, maybe neither? That person is not at all, who I am now. I am quite shy, just realizing...insecure really. I called it perfectionist, but recently (actually yesterday) it dawned on me that not having grace for yourself is another way to describe being insecure! Working the past 6 months has helped define just how inadequate I am. Working has a way of bringing your deficiencies right-out! Also, with less time to emotionally meet the needs of my family, my lacking is also brought to my attention at home. I am just me. I am learning to embrace myself, realizing more and more how needing I am of a Savior. I am not what I once thought, I am able to see more holes and frankly, it points me to Christ. LORD, shine your Glory through my holes. May YOUR rays be enough for my family and my job.

It's a S L O W process

This month is one of celebrations & days that mark the road map of life for our family. The 21st, is the date we received Gracyn in China! It is a day that we remember the blessing and miracle of adoption. It has become tradition to watch her "Gotcha Video," that Brian created from the video and still shots we took while in China. It is emotional to watch and truly brings the amazement and awe we experienced while on our journey to add a precious child to our family. August also marks the month we returned from California, back to Spokane, after a year-and-a-half of shear "desert" for our family. Even as I write that, I hesitate to say desert, because as we get further and further from the rawness of the experience, the actuality becomes more clear to me. It was torturous, it was bring-me-to-my-knees crap, but I do see and am able to realize God, His hand, His blessings, in the midst. I hate that it was what is was. I hate the way it had to be done...but I am better for it and through it. I have perspectives I never had, I am grateful for the S L O W moving blessings of re-building, as they come...& I am at Peace. I began a new job, two days ago! It is a step in the healing journey of the past years. It is my dream job and I plan on being there forever! Coming to this job encompasses many small steps, nudges from God really, that led me to the experience and courage I needed to seek and receive. I've been a stay-at-home-mom for 13.5 years and frankly, no one was knocking down my door to employ me. Although I'm confident in my abilities and drive, I did not have relevant experience to even begin working in an area that may match my passions. About 10 months ago, probably actually 11...during the first weeks of a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class, Brian and I were instructed to create a budget. We were still reeling from the financial disaster of Brian loosing his job, years before, trying to balance 3 young kids who were not in school full-time and meeting the obligations and reality of the income required to support a family of five. After seeing the numbers, we knew one of us had to work an evening job. We both applied, agreeing that the first one to get an offer would accept. (I was fairly motivated, knowing 24-hour single-parenting was probably not my spiritual gift!) I received an offer for a catering company and began immediately. The job grew and grew, they gave me raises and promoted me and soon I was working most, and then, ALL weekends. I did enjoy the work, coordinating weddings and events, however, I was missing kids' concerts, soccer games, and life. It is probably the single most thing that helped create a greater bond between Grace and Brian (she mostly depended upon me for her needs and wants) and had many positives, but it began wearing me thin. Physically, being on my feet for 8-10 hours was brutal and I began to hear God's soft voice to search for a job at Whitworth. So many seeds had been planted to direct me to Whitworth, so many years before even, but it was time. I interviewed for a position and was not offered the job, but told to continue seeking. (Thank goodness for the personal decline phone-call and affirmation, or I may have quit trying.) Many months later I applied, interviewed, hoped & prayed...and it was to be. Brian is still interviewing...we are still on the quest to know what God has in-store for him. It is S L O W progress, but it is a road I'd never had traveled if it weren't for God and His Ways, but It. Is. Good. And, for today...I am at Peace in God's hands, knowing He led me, He promises me the best and life is a journey, not a destination.

Yikes, the blogger format changed! Guess I should write more if I want to be in-the-loop! Life seems to be steadying up a bit for us. As the waves of the storm seem to be lessening, it becomes easier to get through weeks without feeling like I'm at the end of my rope. Time goes by quicker, smoother, and I notice myself sad over the loss of my kids being little and wanting to savor each moment more. It really is as if we chugged up the roller coaster and the downhill ride is but a moment in time. One of the biggest things I've reflected upon lately is that the answer to our problems, we "know" is best is not always so. I have been working with an Event & Wedding company for 7 months and I was sure me returning to work would not only stunt our children, but would involve me kicking and screaming every time I had to work. I actually like my job, enjoy the differences and youth that I primarily work with and have learned so much about myself and being a leader in the past months! It has challenged me in ways being at home never could. My employer has increased my pay twice and promoted me to Wedding & Event Coordinator, something, I never imagined I'd be. I primarily work at high-end corporate, political & private home events and have met many leaders in our community. My sphere of influence is greatly larger and I'm sure it was God's plan all-along, despite my whining, complaining & refusal. It was a process for me and fear of the unknown definitely held me still. Change is scary, it has it's bumps and bruises, for sure. I'm content in my life and frankly, too busy to fixate in the area's that still frustrate me. Being a Mom to a teenager has also brought a share of change. It is not easier as they get older! It takes more investigating, more diligence and a calmer spirit than I currently have. My 13 year old is an amazing "button pusher." He must score in the brilliance level in this area & quite high in attitude also! We're so proud! Combating this attitude is a skill I've yet to figure out, I continue to let it rile me up and, man does it happen fast. If boys are easier as teenagers, I don't know how I'll manage Grace! I know that time and failure will teach me and I've handed over much parenting to Brian. The Dad's touch seems to work better. Something about my emotions and those of a teenage, hormone raging teen-age boy, seem to create a reaction of scientific proportion. (He's probably way too much like me!) I feel like I've conquered a dragon of epic per-portion over the past years and I hope that the next few give me pause and stability....just sayin'...but not really expectin' it to be so!

Looking for the boat, not the Rescuer!

Often when much time lapses between posts it is because most of what I have to say is negative and frankly I don't want to be negative and I really don't want a permanent record of my negativity! So as I return to public emotional sharing, I am cautious what, and when, I write. I find myself wondering if David felt this way when writing the Psalms? The ones that I read when I can only wallow in sadness and I'm not strong enough to read about hope and joy. Thank goodness God can meet us in the valley and on top of the mountain!
This past month has taken me into depths that seem grim and are uninviting. Ones that are lonely and where I've felt hopelessness. I know that Satan loves to usher me into these hidden rooms, filled with darkness, despair and shame. I try to talk myself out of feeling this way, however, it is often like using a spoon in a mile-wide hole. I do know that talking about how I feel, ALWAYS makes me feel better. I am relational by nature and so usually it is the first place I go when I'm feeling low, but occasionally, when these waves that make me tumble under the water's surface and gasp for breath, come, talking is the last thing I can do. It is really as if I literally can not muster the strength to speak. When I finally lean into my precious friends and open-up, relief comes bursting through, usually instantaneously. Turning on the light spooks away the shadows, the unknown and the cowardly devil who lurks about, waiting to devour me.
I am so prone to sin it's ridiculous! I am knowingly ungrateful and on top of that, guilt ridden for it. I am beginning to understand how sin leads to death if not kept in check. What doesn't get you coming, surely will going! All this to say, while this life if brutal and I surely don't make it any easier, it continues, and I grow just a smudge through each battle. I am having to learn not to be lead by emotions. They ebb & flow way too much. I find myself in the deepest holes, when I become too eager too quickly. When a tiny spark and glimmer of hope is inflated to my life preserver and then turns out to be.....A ROCK. Maybe if my desperation is for God and not a fix to my trials, I'll find less emotional upheaval when things don't turn out the way I hope or the way I've constructed God's will. I've been addicted to looking for the rescue boat, not the Rescuer! I feel like God is saying, "I'm Right Here!" and my response is, "Who are you sending to save me?" I'm not a fan of this unveiling because I'm a doer. Submitting to God is not about doing and I don't like things I'm not good at.
God, thank you for revealing my sin as I write this. I do not like it, but I accept your correction and dive into Your Grace. Help me to see You, My Rescuer!