"Why don't you get a job?"

Over Christmas break, the question, "Why don't you get a job?" was posed to me. Now, when you know our recent history of being laid-off, selling our home, we knew we couldn't afford without a job, moving in with my mother-in-law and keeping to an extremely tight financial diet while on unemployment, it is a completely fair and justifiable question. When it's posed to me, though, something inside me tightens and defensiveness begins to settle in, and shows through in my response. I have been pondering this response in myself and I finally think I have an expressible understanding of why this happens.

My past is riddled with feeling inadequate. So when I hear, the question, "Have you looked for a job," or "Why don't you get a job?" I hear things like..."You're lazy, Why don't you contribute to your family, You're stupid etc"...and my body begins to react on a chemical level to these judgments.

I respond with things like, "It would be difficult...Brian doesn't realize what I do for the family during the day...We'd have to pay for childcare...etc

Those are some logical, defensive things that can be expressed, but today I realized, I don't need to respond by defending the fact that I am not lazy! I don't want to get a job outside the home because I AM NOT LAZY!! I work extremely hard during the day to make our household run smoothly, to be home when the kids come home, to prepare and feed them healthy food, give them clean clothes and a clean house to enjoy, to bless my husband with a neat, stress-free (well, you know what I mean) home to come home to after his long day. Ultimately, me not wanting a job has nothing to do with lazy, but with a core value and priority, which is my family!

If I felt what I contribute to my family by being home, wasn't valuable and necessary, I wouldn't feel the need to fight so hard! Although I want to defend and say I rarely eat the bread of idleness, I can say these things till I'm blue and still feel unsatisfied because it's not about that. My true heart believes with everything that I am, that being home with my children and sacrificing my own goals and even sanity sometimes, is lower on the list, beneath what's best for my family.

What a sweet revelation...now I can stop spending my time and thoughts on not trying to NOT be Lazy and by keeping company with my good friend guilt, every time I find myself not doing something "productive."

Bruchetta, Guacamole & an Arbor Crest Syrah....Happy New Years!

First of all ~ Check out my newest favorite songs on the top of my playlist...I am always so EXCITED to find new music that you just can't help but shake-it to and my top 3 are just that!!!!

My friend Michelle introduced me to "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night," by The Black-eyed Peas, a group that I'd love, but with 3 little pairs of ears in my car, I keep tuned into AIR 1, rockin' to Christian music most of the time. I love this song because it expresses my hope and excitement for the new year!

One thing I've struggled with this year is perspective. I've had none, or one, I guess would be more accurate! I am catching myself experiencing new things with a tad-bit of it, but one thing that gives good perspective is a good-old-fashioned-butt-kicking-of-a-year! 2010 WAS BRUTAL!! Two years ago, TODAY, Brian was laid-off and then it went downhill fast, but, God is in the business of making Beauty From Pain! PRAISE GOD!

Now, employed since August, he grumbled a bit today from work..."I'm so bored," he texted. Oh No You Didn't...so I quickly reminded him how thankful we are to have a job to be bored at!!! He thanked me for the words of encouragement! (You're Welcome.)

After 4 months of having a job and some hope for our future and rebuilding, the anger is beginning to fade and I am able to see The HAND Of GOD and how HE carried us and blessed us during this most difficult time. One of the biggest blessings was Relationship! Both Brian and I are hardcore, deep and intimate relationship people. We want to talk about the grit, struggles, hurts and experience true-ness alongside other people. God knew this and orchestrated our path to Lakeside Church in Folsom, CA...into Tony & Ratha's homegroup...and into the lives of so many AMAZING couples' lives!

Let me introduce you to Tony & Ratha, the people that became our best friends.

Ratha is honest & frank, a giver like I've never met, Fun & Crazy, an amazing cook and lover of Great food, a devoted mother, athletic and competitive, a hard worker & fully gives of herself to the point it hurts! She taught me so much about things that I knew little-of, and for this I am eternally grateful! Most weekends we made the drive down the hill and became "Regular's" at their house and they graciously invited us and welcomed us every time. I cannot count the hours/days/weeks we spent around their kitchen, cooking, eating, drinking & mostly talking...about EVERYTHING! No matter how much time we spent together conversations never lulled, it was never work to talk, it was just the easiest thing ever! Tony & Ratha taught me how to laugh and have fun...I took life and myself way too seriously and they showed me how to really ENJOY LIFE! We had a boat for about 3 years in Spokane and I tried a few times to ski & wake board, but to no avail, so when Ratha challenged me to wake board, I graciously declined...or obligatorily agreed, knowing, this butt wasn't gettin' up on the water. However, somewhere in that competitive heart of mine, I decided I would get up-and I did! Ratha & I spent the summer learning, together, and it was AMAZING! I was never brave enough by myself, but two are stronger than one! I don't know when I fell in love with Ratha & Tony, but somewhere I did and now my heart hurts because they are not near!

Tony's Story ~ Tony is not like any man I've ever met...he is sensitive and concerned about your feelings, deep and intimate by nature, open & transparent, giving and has a contagiously happy and fun nature. Tony is a pilot and you might expect someone with such a prestigious job to be arrogant and unapproachable, but that is not Tony. Tony is a rock-star! He is focused and intentional, but knows what is really important in life. He truly doesn't sweat the small stuff...he's 200% dedicated to his family, brings his wife flowers and cards an embarrassingly amount of times & has friends everywhere because he cares everywhere he goes! (And he drives a sweet boat to wake board behind!!!!)

Thank you Jesus for these amazing friends...please ease the pain of missing them!

~Gretchen

Remembering Mei Mei, 12.17.2009 - 9.2.2004

I want to start by bringing attention to a precious little girl who has been on my mind non-stop this past week. I realized that little Mei Mei passed away almost 1 year ago, on December 17, 2009

http://bgscottfamily.blogspot.com/2009/12/fly-to-jesus-and-live.html &
http://bgscottfamily.blogspot.com/2009/12/fly-to-jesus-and-live-contin-memory-of.html

and my heart still aches for this precious child that was for nought! I can't bear for her to be forgotten, having lived without a family, never wholly well or will a properly functioning body, specifically heart...and yet with the ability to touch so many! How do I help in giving significance to Mei Mei's short life? Fears of if we had been able to adopt her and bring her into our home? When one of the boys at The Philip Hayden Foundation became close to "aging out," or being too old to be adopted into a family, a statement was made on his behalf, that he had not a traditional family found, but a acting-family through the orphanage. Although there are Ayi's/Nanny's to care for the children, Missionary's who love and volunteer, a Director who loves and knows each child by name and disability....I found myself cringing and pulling back to think that an institution, no matter the quality, could remotely replace a loving, nurturing, safe...I'll always be there for you, FAMILY! Splenda will never be as good as the pure sugar cane and probably even will cause harm to our bodies in trying. Trying to replicate something God made by design is Never good enough. Now, this is in no one a slam on those who love God and therefore His children in orphanages, but substitutes are never done better than the original.

Middle Son Success

I cannot go to bed tonight without writing down the joy that I feel at this moment. There are so many struggles we endure as parents, especially with three! They are all zig zagging, ebbing & flowing at different times and just when you feel you get a handle on a behavior that mysteriously appears...another seemingly comes along.

It's often that I have a parenting book out that I'm currently reading...usually diving through it to find a quick fix/response to better what I'm doing, or not doing. I never read them front to back, it's always hunting and searching for the trial of the moment.

Without selling out our middle son's entire struggles and embarrassing, humiliating and risking loosing his trust someday, what I can say is about my experience. It has been a stressful road, one where a teacher's call sends my heart to the floor without one word being said. I do not wish to make this a melodrama, because most of the things we've dealt with are, dare we say?, typical raising of boys issues. It really all began during the first week of Kindergarten when I was still walking with him, the two blocks from our house to the school front door where the classes lined up to enter before the bell sounded. I received a phone call from the principle soon after dropping him, advising me that my Kindergarten son had brought a pocketknife to school. Another mother had seen it in his pocket while in line-up before class, so it never entered class before being confiscated. Regardless of intent, this was contraband and one of the big Suspend-able offenses. On that day, they showed Grace to us and sent us on our way with a warning, instead of the suspension because he was still so little.

So many times the things that happen to our children, really seem to be happening to us. My first thoughts were about me! How would the mother who spotted the knife view this child's mother? How would the Principal and teachers view me and our family? As recklessly leaving a pocketknife around, irresponsible, or just plain stupid?


As time went on and endured further calls for silly, crazy, inappropriate, non-conformity, and lastly, destructive behavior over the past 3 years, it always cut at the core my identity! I always heard, "You are not a good enough mother," "Something is wrong that your son needs this type of attention." You, You, You....
And being me, I always agreed with them! I talked to teachers, he attended socialization classes, sat in the front seat of the class, and even met with a child counselor to get to the bottom of this non-conforming behavior.

There are/were so many things that contributed to his choices, everything from adopting a sister, 5 years younger than him and taking his position as baby in the family, maybe a brother who he viewed as having everything come easily, a strained experience with his mom who didn't seem to understand him and was now preoccupied with his Chinese adopted sister?

BUT, this is what I wanted to document!!! This is why I share all of that!! The past weeks with my middle son, now 9 years old, has been AMAZING! Last year we chose to home school with the idea that controlling the outside influences, keeping bad ones out, and in that time, to be able to consider that types of people and things that we DO WANT in our lives. Who am I, Integrity, & How to choose friends were things we often spoke of.

Beginning, back into a traditional school setting, we felt prepared, but He was also prepared and strong in knowing what he wanted. He is going after it! He is the happiest I've ever seen him!!! We have boys over to our house, joining our family in things & most of all, Him, just being accepted without having to really try!

Things have been going amazingly, friends-come out of the woodwork, school work - good things happening, attitude - joyful (hello, he's 9 - their never joyful! Especially not this one!) Tonight I asked him to put his 5 year younger sister to bed for me, he complied, like I knew he would, however, as I listened carefully, I heard him praying with her before he tucked her in. Just like we used to with him...tell me that actions do not speak into the hearts of our children?! I tell my kids if I ever catch them reading a book to a younger sibling, it melts my heart...praying with a younger sibling, well, there just isn't anything better than that in my book!!

This mother at this moment has experienced a few weeks of such positive movement in a journey to get some traction, heading towards maturity, that tears of joy and Thanks Be To God, comes gushing out of my mouth! I couldn't be any more proud, than if he'da shot the basketball to win the championship game of which he was the MVP. I'm just a Proud Mama!!!

Healing

I usually never come up with a title before I write, because I never know where I'll be led, but today is different. I know the topic of my heart today. Today, the floodgates opened as I tried to share a two minute synopsis of my life with my prayer partner from a new Bible study I attended today. God undeniably spoke to me today and began to soften my hard heart. I couldn't just smile and come up with a stock prayer request...it all came out. I hate it when emotions can't be kept in check...either you're like me and you totally understand, or you're not and you have no idea what I'm talking about, but I am a "controlled crier." I cry when it's convenient and when I'm alone, so I don't have to bare my soul and be that vulnerable. But, not today! People I've never met and a neighbor who barely knows me, saw me let some of it go. Today, I began to acknowledge some of the hurts, gaping wounds and fears, the result of the past year-and-a-half. I'm finding the problem with trauma and high stress times in my live is that while I may have survived, there has been some major digressing in my spiritual walk. I've held on for dear life, clinging on to some basic principles of God's provisions and promises, but not made much forward movement.

I have some crazy basic things I need to re-establish, like finding my worth and value through Christ. I also have some grieving to do. I lost so much, not physically but emotionally, security and my beliefs that hard work = success. That introduced fear into my life. More honestly, a fear of a lack of control on my part for the outcome and success of my own life. I know that God wants me to see that He's in control, not me, but right now, that scares me.

When we left Spokane, it had to be "Total Release." There was no, if or when we come back. Everything we had invested in was lost. Since relationship is what sustains me, that was the hardest thing to let go of. It did allow my heart to re-bond and invest in the hearts of so many new and amazing people, however, too soon, I'm in a similar place, suffering relational loss. When you give your heart out, it is not easily retrieved. I am so thankful for the ability to love and create such amazing relationships while in California, it is what sustained me! I would never had made it without our 'Lakesidaz' home group, my book club and Lakeside Church, but now, I have enormous pain because I've had to leave, again and damn it hurts! I hate pain, it Sucks!

Significance, not Success

One of the things that we knew would be a challenge in returning to Spokane, was about where God would call us to worship. We had a church home of around 14 years, one we had loved, served, been cared for, made lifelong friendships and so much more...but we felt that God was calling us to a change when we returned.
Today, we visited a church called Real Life, which if you're from Northern Idaho, or Eastern Washington, is a legacy in these parts (maybe even farther?) Pastor Nathan Rector has an amazing gift for teaching and having a keen sense of our human nature and knowing how to reveal it. He talked about some of the "Epic Failures," that Peter had and yet, how God used him in amazing and miraculous ways! "Life is not about success, but SIGNIFICANCE," stated Pastor Nathan.

As I've continued to process through the journey we've been through, my "identity" has come into question. Not so much how I view myself, but how I think or want others to view me. This is proving a difficult challenge for me, I suppose self-inventory always is. I've been able to justify many decisions and choices we've made through other means, but when I begin to identify my wants and needs through the eyes of how others may judge or view me, things become cloudy. Something about thinking that others see me as successful drives me at times. Having had so much taken or given away, as we have, my identity has been challenged. Some days I have clawed and fought to keep some of the old me, my old life, the life of "success" and prosper. We've had our challenges, as in building any business, but in general, the wave continued upward...until it didn't! I'm mostly speaking financially, but we collected and added over the years. If I really believe what God says though, there is no promise of earthly riches and fame. As we begin anew, trying to keep ourselves grounded and rooted in God's Truth's, every decision, every purchase, every move, my human ideals have to be disputed. God is the One to bring my justifications to. His measure is not likened to mine, He's measuring Significance, not Success!

I'm GREAT!

Things Are GREAT! Today is about 2 1/2 weeks after or into our move and I'M BACK! I've had some sketchy days along the way, not really something I anticipated, but I am Great!

Brian began his new job this week, after a weeks' delay do to background checks needing to be completed for his training group. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to have him gone (I mean back to work)! I know that sounds horrible, but honestly, most men were not created to be stay-at-home Dads. It's not really even that he's not stay-at-home material, but being unemployed has some "special" treats, like undaunted boredom to offer, so he was just up-in-my-business a lot. After being a stay-at-home Mom for over 11 years, it is certainly a little cramping to have someone else around, looking over my day's plans, or lack-there-of.

I am a flutter'er by nature, so my day consists of starting a project, getting distracted, starting another project, remembering to start a load of laundry, trying to find "that thing," returning to my second project, calling a friend, making lunch, and eventually, maybe, finishing the original project before starting dinner! It works perfectly for me and I usually don't forget anything or miss a beat. But, when your married to a recovering perfectionist, detail oriented man, this way of going through a day may just make you crazy. You can see my (our) problem!

So, back to I'M GREAT...I can't help feeling a bit suspicious about feeling emotionally great. I knew that moving into our own place would be AMAZING and getting all of our stuff would be AMAZING, but my conundrum comes within my own heart.

Why am I great?
Or maybe, How am I great?

Why when things are great, am I great? Now that may seem like a stupid question, but it does beg consideration, because when things are not, am I not? And, in a world so filled with crap, how can I be okay, even happy and joy-filled when life is not? This brings me back to a core question I am dealing with...Can God Be Trusted? Can He be trusted in the great and in the not?

I cannot escape this past year-and-a-half and not pursue growth. I didn't go through the hell and fire and pressure to just be great when things are good! I want better than that...and so, I seek.