Healing

I usually never come up with a title before I write, because I never know where I'll be led, but today is different. I know the topic of my heart today. Today, the floodgates opened as I tried to share a two minute synopsis of my life with my prayer partner from a new Bible study I attended today. God undeniably spoke to me today and began to soften my hard heart. I couldn't just smile and come up with a stock prayer request...it all came out. I hate it when emotions can't be kept in check...either you're like me and you totally understand, or you're not and you have no idea what I'm talking about, but I am a "controlled crier." I cry when it's convenient and when I'm alone, so I don't have to bare my soul and be that vulnerable. But, not today! People I've never met and a neighbor who barely knows me, saw me let some of it go. Today, I began to acknowledge some of the hurts, gaping wounds and fears, the result of the past year-and-a-half. I'm finding the problem with trauma and high stress times in my live is that while I may have survived, there has been some major digressing in my spiritual walk. I've held on for dear life, clinging on to some basic principles of God's provisions and promises, but not made much forward movement.

I have some crazy basic things I need to re-establish, like finding my worth and value through Christ. I also have some grieving to do. I lost so much, not physically but emotionally, security and my beliefs that hard work = success. That introduced fear into my life. More honestly, a fear of a lack of control on my part for the outcome and success of my own life. I know that God wants me to see that He's in control, not me, but right now, that scares me.

When we left Spokane, it had to be "Total Release." There was no, if or when we come back. Everything we had invested in was lost. Since relationship is what sustains me, that was the hardest thing to let go of. It did allow my heart to re-bond and invest in the hearts of so many new and amazing people, however, too soon, I'm in a similar place, suffering relational loss. When you give your heart out, it is not easily retrieved. I am so thankful for the ability to love and create such amazing relationships while in California, it is what sustained me! I would never had made it without our 'Lakesidaz' home group, my book club and Lakeside Church, but now, I have enormous pain because I've had to leave, again and damn it hurts! I hate pain, it Sucks!