We fight amidst the battle cries

Lift Me Up
Lyrics & Song by: Yes
Listen along on my playlist, song #1

Look around - Got no place to stay.
God I hate this town, depending on the day.
You look me up, you look me down - Alright, OK.
While I got no life, I got no hope;
I'm falling in love.

Help me through the fight;
Help me win tonight - I'm calling.

What to do I find it hard to know;
The road I walk is not the one I chose

Lift me up and turn me over;
Lead me on into the dawn.
Take me to the highest mountain;
Tie me up, love in a storm.
Have you decided on my fortune?
Facing the future in your eyes,
With your imperial behaviour
We fight amidst the battle cries.

Open doors - They may be closed to me;
The fire's still burning in my heart...

What to do I find it hard to know;
I want to turn my life around...

Like a potato-bug!

I have so many things flying through my mind, I don't even know where to start. We are having "roommate" issues that are causing me a great deal of stress. Although I know the healthy way to handle most situations and can verbalize the unhealthy patterns that go on between B and his mother, it becomes much more difficult to implement them into my own conversations with her. We've been living with my Mother-in-law for 5 weeks and the culmination of un-conscious, or conscious remarks are beginning to come to a boiling point on our emotions. I am finding my negativity at an all-time high, craving reprieve an already difficult position that we are in. I began reading "Multiple Bles8ings," by Kate Gosselin and Beth Carson (Jon & Kate Plus 8). Kind of picked it up from my SIL's To Read desk and have found it to be such a huge blessing, far beyond just the story of having sextuplets and surviving. Kate managed to reveal her heart in each page and give us a glimpse into the despair and fear, and joys, of her life. What I didn't know was that Jon and their family has struggled with the loss of jobs, unemployment and the unique stresses that come along. An excerpt that I could especially relate to: "As the months of no paychecks wore on, I grew more and more worried about him. People commented on how exhausted he looked; his eyes were red-rimmed, his hair uncharacteristically messy, his face unshaven, and his sweatpants a uniform. Now at times he just stared blankly as he sat holding two restless babies or he slumped at the computer, filling out countless job applications. I needed him, and watching him run himself into the ground was like watching a speeding race car about to spin out of control. The worst part was that we were in this figurative car together; if he crashed and burned, so did the rest of us. I knew that no one felt that pressure more acutely than Jon. I loved him for each minute that he managed to hold it together for the sake of our family." Sadly, I'm to distracted by my own emotional turmoil, I am doing a poor job of being available, nor noticing the difficulties of B through all this. A humbling realization, and yet, I wonder if knowing will even help me change it? I am all enthralled with our children and survival that anything beyond bandaging the immediate bleeding feels not possible.
I was challenging myself last night as I bathed Grace, to turn every complaint that entered my mind, into a Praise. I am thankful to have a tub that is poorly constructed to bathe small children! I am blessed to have yellow, iron-filled water to clean our skin! Praise You Lord for my boys having a room to share and become more connected! Thank You for them staying up late and talking! May these issues that are constantly being put in front of me, be used to clear out even more unhealthy thoughts and ways inside me. I'm thankful for knowing healthy reactions to unhealthy situations, and having to pt them to use will mold me into a stronger, Godly woman. Thank you Lord for this past year of difficulty with Grace and it becoming second nature to reply calmly and directly! Praise the Lord for learning to live in such a small space to free us from being tied down to a mortgage payment! Thank You for knowing the struggle of the importance of relationship over things, tidiness and having my way!
I don't normally take cautious in my writing, but because my life is so intimately intertwined with others, I have held off on journaling over many of the past weeks. I want nothing then to be transparent and for Lord to use my struggles to touch others. This internal struggle has led to my bottling of many feelings. An eruption of emotions is never far beyond the surface and the struggle of shutting down lurks around every corner for me. I long for a purpose, a plan, a great hope. My privacy, routine and familiar views are non-existent. As a friend asks my views and revelation about something being laid on her heart to ponder, I find myself empty of anything in the spiritual department to offer. I am self-absorbed and needy, cowering at outside stimuli, like one of those potato bugs that turns into a ball when you touch or poke it. Kate describes this feeling: "I listened to the pointless chatter; at the time it all seemed so shallow. I would often sit with a glazed look in my eyes trying to remember when I actually thought any of those topics worthy of that much discussion. I was usually too tired to comment."

A Must Read!

This is what I live for! I hope this is our story, but you just never know until you stumble upon that day. Here is a story about a little girl we met while in China, on our PHF trip. I was heart broken to learn that her adoption was disrupted (the family chose not to complete the adoption, upon meeting her in China), but God knew her future and her forever family was praying and waiting on her! http://bakerssweets.blogspot.com/

NTKB

Good news, Joe was not abducted by aliens! Joe, being the person that hired Brian, then he didn't hear from for nearly 2 weeks. Life is a curious thing?! We assume God was saving us from a mistake of gargantuan proportion. NTKB~As I have previously, described we are on a strictly Need To Know Basis with our future, so another piece seemingly revealed, only to leave us guessing and incorrect again! The scripture that keeps being brought to my mind is in Isaiah 55: 8,11& 12 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord...my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace." This is not supposed to make sense to me! My thoughts are not His thoughts!
The biggest piece to this is that I feel like we were willing to sacrifice in order to take this job, knowing that it would require a miracle to make ends meet and we came to terms with that. When something seems to be delivered by God, and then doesn't come to fruition, I am left to wonder if it was my misunderstanding of God's will? We've encountered a recurring theme of coming to a point of surrender. Some things we felt that God has asked us to physically give up, while others, such as our Suburban, we felt led to offer it, then felt God reaffirmed our keeping it. If I start at the beginning, I've given up so much and yet, here I am, still alive to tell about it. Not always in the best mood, not leaning nearly enough on God, but still fighting. I do know that this week needs to be one of finding my strength in Him. I'm standing too firmly on my own strength. I've wrestled it back, slowly over the past weeks and before I know it, I'm back at the helm and short of breath, beat down. I humbly retreat to my Father, again! I know He'll always take me back.

Chinese Lullabye

Chinese Lullaby - Mama Hao
Similar to “Hush Little Baby” in the English-speaking world, this is the lullabye Chinese children learn, "Mamo Hao" or "Mama is the Best (in All the World)".
Mama Hao (Mandarin)
Shi shang zhi you mama hao
You ma de hai zi xiang ge bao.
Tou jin mama de huai bao
Xin fu xiang bu liao.
Shi shang zhi you mama hao
Mei ma de hai zi xiang ge cao
Li kai mama de huai bao
Xin fu na li zhao.

English translation:
Only Mama is the best in all the world
With a mama, you have the most valued treasure.
Jump into mama’s heart and
You have endless happiness.
Only Mama is the best in all the world
Without a mama you are like a piece of grass,
Away from mama's heart,
Where will you find happines

Mama Hao

How come I keep feeling the Lord asks me what I would want for my future, I reply, and then he cuts my want list in half and hands it to me. Deciphering receiving a portion of my requests beomes a mistery to my simple mind. Is this a spirit of being an ingrate? I am fuzzy in finding stability among all this chaos.

A recent exceerpt from a family who visited PHF and experienced what they do, and especially, our (maybe to be daughter) Mei Mei. Here were their thoughts and impressions upon meeting little Mei Mei. By Guest Author Dawn Choate (http://www.healinghannahblog.com/)

"Meeting Mei Mei at the Clinic "
"Well, today was the toughest day for me by far. Up until now, I had mostly met the children who are healing and doing fairly well. They have for the most part been happy and rambunctious.But today I met Mei-Mei. And the reality of what life is like every day here for the children and the staff of the children's home hit me hard. I visited the clinic for the first time and really reveled in the attention of the children. There were children recovering from meningitis, heart conditions, and other serious ailments, but most of them were still smiling and walking around.Then I watched as one little girl, around 4 years old, struggled to walk down the hallway to me. I was speechless when I saw her hands reach for a cracker. They were completely blue, as were her tiny lips. Her fingertips were quite swollen as well, all signs of a serious heart condition. I could not walk away from her, so I pulled her into my lap and we sat for a long time as I let her look at the preview screen on my camera and enjoy the photos there. I held the camera out and took pictures of the two of us and then let her admire them (they are in the photo album "Meeting Mei-Mei". She was just tickled to see herself again and again on the screen.I described to her what she was seeing and she absorbed every word, instantly repeating each new word she heard. Her voice was weak and raspy as she worked hard for every breath to form a word. Her hands were cold as ice but her cheeks were so warm as she snuggled up against my face. I could barely leave her as her weak and blue little hands tried to wave good-bye. This was Mei-Mei. And now I know her story. She has an inoperable heart condition and the doctors have all said there is nothing they can do.Mei-Mei is just one of millions of orphans around the world who suffer and struggle every day to survive. But Mei-Mei is not one of millions to me. She is one. And while I held her, she was the only one. "

Being a step closer to being stable enough to persue Mei Mei, having a job, but the salary is barely enough to find a tiny rental and live at an income considered below the poverty level for a family of 5. I'm not sure how this puzzle's gonna fit, or if I'm working on one and God's got the correct box lid with the directions in front of him? Please pray for our health, the Scott Immediate and Extended family are graciously sharing a nasty cold that is slowing infiltrating all our men. We think Grace has succumb and 3 1/2 and sick = lots of whinning!

Our Plan slowly revealed!

Our story on the road to A Job: While in Spokane, Brain applied for endless jobs, both in Spokane and here in the Sac area. One of the jobs was a recruiter position for a Technical College in Roseville. The gentleman hiring for this position, happened to be residing in Spokane, while his job headquarters are in Fresno and thus he travels back and forth, weekly. When B's resume crossed his path, he was curious because of the (509) area code we gave as a phone number, and he had also worked in the mortgage industry and knew a few of the same people B had worked with in his past. This contact had happened around 3-4 weeks ago and Joe and B had kept in contact during our moving process and wanted him to call once we were settled in CA. He scheduled a meeting last week and it got bumped to today. Now, with all the resumes and applications and contacts, he's had very few calls, and even less interest, so we were skeptical of this opportunity being of any great value. Yesterday, when B talked to Joe, he made it seem that B had impressed him as "the guy" and tomorrows interview would be a formality and meeting the President of the school. Today, at around 12:00 Brian called me to say, he was offered the job, they'd been holding this position for him and he just needs to accept it and he's "employed." There are a few things that make this position tough, mainly the pay and financial aspect, but everything else seems to be an amazing opportunity, working with High School students to build relationships and recruit, and present the offerings of the school. With a higher than 10% un-employment rate in California State, even though there will be financial sacrifice, we are thrilled to have an offer for something that Brian will excel and gives him the opportunity to mentor. Praise God for providing for our needs! May this be what we were called here to do!