Thursday, December 17, 2009
"Fly to Jesus and Live"
The moment we met her in the clinic at The Philip Hayden Foundation, something immediately happened within my heart. We were there to take pictures for this special needs orphanage, so we had our camera's and began meeting the sickest of the children who were located in this particular house. Mei Mei was dressed in a blue and white dress and wanted to see the pictures on our view finder. She pointed to the picture of herself and said, "Mei Mei," which in Chinese means Beautiful. I thought she was so amazing to know that she was beautiful regardless of her physical limits and lack of family to properly love and care for her. Later, I learned her name was Mei Mei, but what a beautiful portrait of God's love, that he points to our picture and says, "Mei Mei!"
Mei Mei could not walk due to the multiple heart conditions she had, so she rode around on a little scooter, from room to room. Her lips were blue, her finger tips swollen and blue from a lack of oxygen, her legs and arms as thin as sticks, yet beautiful and worthy of love and a family.
In late July, we inquired with Holt Adoption Agency, about making an adoption plan. She was so sick and labeled as having an "inoperable heart condition," that left her unadoptable," or at least, probably, undesirable for adoption prospects. In September we found out her actual diagnosis and it was a blow, after my research and reaching out to cardiac specialists seemed to only confirm that her condition was truly un-fixable. Here was the diagnosis we received:
TIFFANY/MEI MEI: "She is a frail and beautiful 4 yr old with an inoperable heart condition that came to us on 4-2-08. She has Single ventricle, ASD, persistent truncus arteriosus and tricuspid stenosis. She has been evaluated before, but over the past few months we have taken her to our heart surgeons to see what they would say. Last week they redid an MRI and a heart echo and feel that they cannot offer her any surgery as she does not have the vessels needed to be able to do any shunts. She gets quite
cyanotic and is treated with Oxygen as needed. At the same time is quite active and happy and is always the first one to greet any new visitor with a big hug. She is one of our very special Heart Babies and we will continue to see if something can be done to help her."
Also in September, we contacted WACAP, another adoption agency and asked if they would be able to assist us in our pursuing Mei Mei's adoption. They responded, saying it would be difficult to request a specific child as typical Chinese adoptions are "referred," not by choosing a specific child. They asked for more information about Mei Mei, and we gathered it quickly with help from a Yahoo Group we belonged to.
Chinese Name: Song Yangmei
DOB 9/2/04
Original Orphanage Placement: Yangxi Orphanage
Diagnosis: Single Ventricle ASD, Persistent Truncus Arteriosis
Her birthday is a day later than Grace's and her birth city was also extremely close to where Grace had been, relatively, with China being so large, we smiled, certainly as sign that she was to be in our family.
September 30th, we heard back from WACAP, informing us that they had contacted Mei Mei's orphanage and felt confident that they would list her as adoptable if their was indeed a family willing to adopt her, despite her delicate health conditions. Ironically, that same day, the impact of the financial world and declining economic climate became apparent to us and faith in Brian's job for our financial needs began to come crashing down. We replied to WACAP advising them that an open door in China, was met with a closing one within our current means.
Many of these stories end with the happily ever after, God awing miracle...but, this one ends differently. We found out this morning that little Mei Mei, the beautiful girl that unexpectedly caught our hearts while on our 2008 missions trip to China, passed away this morning.
Why did it have to end this way? Were we not faithful beyond what we knew we could humanly accomplish? Was she never meant to be ours? Did God spare our family from catastrophic and irreversible heart break that we would not have recovered from? I don't know the answer to these questions! Does it absolutely kill me that this innocent and sick precious child did not have her safe place to fall? Where will condolences be sent? Who will mourn everyday for her? Who's life will be changed because of her leaving this world? Where will her file and paperwork go?
And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side...and
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and LIVE!
Lyrics from "An Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice
Pictures of Mei Mei, collected over the past year-and-a-half, since our meeting and longing to have her join our family.
Her birthday is a day later than Grace's and her birth city was also extremely close to where Grace had been, relatively, with China being so large, we smiled, certainly as sign that she was to be in our family.
September 30th, we heard back from WACAP, informing us that they had contacted Mei Mei's orphanage and felt confident that they would list her as adoptable if their was indeed a family willing to adopt her, despite her delicate health conditions. Ironically, that same day, the impact of the financial world and declining economic climate became apparent to us and faith in Brian's job for our financial needs began to come crashing down. We replied to WACAP advising them that an open door in China, was met with a closing one within our current means.
Many of these stories end with the happily ever after, God awing miracle...but, this one ends differently. We found out this morning that little Mei Mei, the beautiful girl that unexpectedly caught our hearts while on our 2008 missions trip to China, passed away this morning.
Why did it have to end this way? Were we not faithful beyond what we knew we could humanly accomplish? Was she never meant to be ours? Did God spare our family from catastrophic and irreversible heart break that we would not have recovered from? I don't know the answer to these questions! Does it absolutely kill me that this innocent and sick precious child did not have her safe place to fall? Where will condolences be sent? Who will mourn everyday for her? Who's life will be changed because of her leaving this world? Where will her file and paperwork go?
And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side...and
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and LIVE!
Lyrics from "An Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice
Pictures of Mei Mei, collected over the past year-and-a-half, since our meeting and longing to have her join our family.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friends that have touched our lives!
We are feeling the second-hand pain of a brother and sister in Christ. Just as we've seen cancer with our friends, Jeff & Kim, we experience the sting of marriage trials as our friends tread through the places we've been in marriage. I'm learning that relationships are learned, guided and always messy. I guess the relationship that we see as natural is not how everyone else experiences it and when your highly vulnerable and open, there is a lot of risk and thus, a lot to loose. I certainly have been hurt before in relationship, but I also feel I have been given the rare gift of true relationship, with many people. My dear friends in Spokane, and my best friend, who is now in the same state as I, just many hours away, have been such a blessing to me.
I truly began to learn some relationship truth's, from my great friend Megan. I learned amazing things through my friendship with Megan, I also learned about hurt, when there was unhealthiness and insecurities on my part, and how loosing can devastate. I also learned about reconciliation and healing past hurts and misunderstandings and continue to consider Megan a dear friend, even though she's many states away.
When I was lonely and wounded, God brought me Angie, a friend who shared the love for youth ministry and The Lord. We were brought together in a bond that began in ministry and led to the deepest relationship I've ever known. My amazing "sisterhood" with Angie began in accountability, Bible study & prayer. We began meeting together every Saturday, about 5 1/2 years ago, giving permission to one-another to ask tough questions, answer them honestly, and admit and pray over each others failures. Accountability partners led to intimacy, which led to a strong bond in Christ and to each other. We began to share regularly the things that women just don't share. Not just the surface anger, but the hurts behind our anger, the vulnerabilities of why we felt so inadequate at times, our failures as wives and mothers and daughters. We devoured books that dealt with God's view of women and how we were meant to care for each other as sister's in Christ. It began to click and God's meaning of True relationship began to be revealed to and through us. Many of the core beliefs that we falsely believed about ourselves would rear their ugly heads and the other one was their to refute it. Leaving Angie when we made the move from Spokane to California was one of the greatest causes of my grief. We have continued to meet on Saturday mornings over the past 9 months, just instead of face to face, we are now, coffee's in hand and on the phone.
I met my sweet friend Michelle, in our home group several years ago. I'm not sure what drew us to her and her husband Patrick, but it was another God ordained friendship. Michelle was hurting from misunderstanding and rejection in relationship and because I knew this pain, we connected. Michelle is a friend who is loyal and sensitive. She was committed to making relationship a priority and our families, though different, became extremely close. She was there to listen to my endless hours of complaining during our wait for our daughter, Grace, adopted from China. In spite of their own fertility struggles, remaining without children of her own, she stood by me and came to the airport to welcome our Grace home. Aunty Shelly as she became known, blessed my heart in many ways, but one that touched me profoundly was when she gave Grace some books from her Hope Chest of precious things she had collected for her own babies. Michelle was and is a precious gift from God.
Jeff & Kim's Story~
I met Jeff just after they returned to Spokane, from Florida. He was a contractor in our church and when our first house needed some updating, he bid and helped us utilize our small budget in this remodel. Since it was a small home, and he was in my kitchen for weeks, it began natural to talk about family and life. I learned he was the father to 5 and an amazing man of God. He was certainly not shy about his opinion about most anything, but even though we seemed so different, we strangely agreed on most things. Jeff introduced us to Dr. Laura, Glenn Beck, "homeowner special tools," owning a boat, camping, snow-mobiling, guns, Craigslist, and became Brian's best friend. Since Jeff & Kim did not have family in Spokane, we began hanging out with their family, which grew over the years, from five to seven children. Our First Thanksgiving, was one of chaos for me, but the norm of their 7 and our 3 kids' requests being shouted from the table became the usual and we shared hundred's of meals with their family over the many years. Kim awed me in her ability to mother 7 children and love her husband so wholly. Many evenings as our husbands spent time snowmobiling or catching a movie, we shared about our lives and hearts as mothers and wives. We commiserated as wives who's husbands were commissioned and spent many weekends, camping and boating together, even the occasional snow-mobiling trip that the wives were invited to. Kim was always the first to offer help with our kids when we had emergencies, no matter how inconvenient or untimely for her. More times than I can count, Kim took our kids (in addition to her 7, many times when Jeff was traveling) and never once showed an ounce of being overwhelmed, put-out, or wanting anything in return.
Then in early October 2008 we got the news that Kim had a lump in her breast. I'm not sure I've even to this date, fully processed the news of this cancer. Kim was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. We left Spokane, about 6 months after her cancer was detected and her scans have been clear so far. Leaving Jeff & Kim was torturous. They were and are our family.
Robbie & Sonja~
After awhile of attending our Spokane church, we noticed a couple who we really admired and knew we'd love to get to know, so we did the obvious thing, we signed up to be in their home group and stocked them! Half kidding, but half true! We did join their home group to get to know them, but we placed ourselves into an environment and opportunity to meet other couples. We did become friends with Robbie and Sonja and over the past 10 years, we have shared a long history and relationship together. Neither of us had kids at that stage of life and so we enjoyed a great deal of couple time, skiing, sharing meals together and discussing our desires to add to our families. Robbie & Sonja shared a common thread with us, in dealing with fertility and disappointment in getting pregnant. And then, one day, before home group, they called and told us they would be announcing that they were pregnant. We rejoiced for them, but wept for ourselves. (Three months later, God blessed us with our first pregnancy, now known as Jonah, age 10!) Sonja was who I called when I was baffled as a new mother, she invited me to a Mom's class and it was her friend that I met who introduced the idea of adopting from China to us. (That later led to Grace!) Robbie was the big brother I never had. He is a FedEx driver and would sometimes need a place to eat lunch over discussing ministry or life. Robbie became a spiritual and relational mentor to me, always being level-headed and wise. He was led into Pastoral Ministry with our church and sternly told me No when my timing to begin a College-age small group was not right. When the time came to launch the College group, Robbie walked and talked me through. We had countless nights of "Hot Wings," salad and Sonja's amazing desserts together, as we had one, then two children, months apart. As a Physical Therapist, medically savvy and doctor connected, Sonja counseled me through many of my kids' needs. She reassured me when I panicked and directed me when I was overwhelmed. Our last night in Spokane, with our stuff loaded and heading on the moving truck, they offered their home and food for us, even though they were out-of-town.
These stories certainly do not conclude our relationship experiences, they are a few of the many, monumental markers and people in our lives that helped create and develop who and what we are. When meeting with an elder at our new church in California, he asked what we thought our gift was. I immediately said, relationship! Do I think we're better at it than most? No. Do We make it a top priority in talk and action? Yes! Do we fail, often and hard? Absolutely! But, our hearts have been touched, so intimately, so deeply, so profoundly by each person, in a way, only they could!
I truly began to learn some relationship truth's, from my great friend Megan. I learned amazing things through my friendship with Megan, I also learned about hurt, when there was unhealthiness and insecurities on my part, and how loosing can devastate. I also learned about reconciliation and healing past hurts and misunderstandings and continue to consider Megan a dear friend, even though she's many states away.
When I was lonely and wounded, God brought me Angie, a friend who shared the love for youth ministry and The Lord. We were brought together in a bond that began in ministry and led to the deepest relationship I've ever known. My amazing "sisterhood" with Angie began in accountability, Bible study & prayer. We began meeting together every Saturday, about 5 1/2 years ago, giving permission to one-another to ask tough questions, answer them honestly, and admit and pray over each others failures. Accountability partners led to intimacy, which led to a strong bond in Christ and to each other. We began to share regularly the things that women just don't share. Not just the surface anger, but the hurts behind our anger, the vulnerabilities of why we felt so inadequate at times, our failures as wives and mothers and daughters. We devoured books that dealt with God's view of women and how we were meant to care for each other as sister's in Christ. It began to click and God's meaning of True relationship began to be revealed to and through us. Many of the core beliefs that we falsely believed about ourselves would rear their ugly heads and the other one was their to refute it. Leaving Angie when we made the move from Spokane to California was one of the greatest causes of my grief. We have continued to meet on Saturday mornings over the past 9 months, just instead of face to face, we are now, coffee's in hand and on the phone.
I met my sweet friend Michelle, in our home group several years ago. I'm not sure what drew us to her and her husband Patrick, but it was another God ordained friendship. Michelle was hurting from misunderstanding and rejection in relationship and because I knew this pain, we connected. Michelle is a friend who is loyal and sensitive. She was committed to making relationship a priority and our families, though different, became extremely close. She was there to listen to my endless hours of complaining during our wait for our daughter, Grace, adopted from China. In spite of their own fertility struggles, remaining without children of her own, she stood by me and came to the airport to welcome our Grace home. Aunty Shelly as she became known, blessed my heart in many ways, but one that touched me profoundly was when she gave Grace some books from her Hope Chest of precious things she had collected for her own babies. Michelle was and is a precious gift from God.
Jeff & Kim's Story~
I met Jeff just after they returned to Spokane, from Florida. He was a contractor in our church and when our first house needed some updating, he bid and helped us utilize our small budget in this remodel. Since it was a small home, and he was in my kitchen for weeks, it began natural to talk about family and life. I learned he was the father to 5 and an amazing man of God. He was certainly not shy about his opinion about most anything, but even though we seemed so different, we strangely agreed on most things. Jeff introduced us to Dr. Laura, Glenn Beck, "homeowner special tools," owning a boat, camping, snow-mobiling, guns, Craigslist, and became Brian's best friend. Since Jeff & Kim did not have family in Spokane, we began hanging out with their family, which grew over the years, from five to seven children. Our First Thanksgiving, was one of chaos for me, but the norm of their 7 and our 3 kids' requests being shouted from the table became the usual and we shared hundred's of meals with their family over the many years. Kim awed me in her ability to mother 7 children and love her husband so wholly. Many evenings as our husbands spent time snowmobiling or catching a movie, we shared about our lives and hearts as mothers and wives. We commiserated as wives who's husbands were commissioned and spent many weekends, camping and boating together, even the occasional snow-mobiling trip that the wives were invited to. Kim was always the first to offer help with our kids when we had emergencies, no matter how inconvenient or untimely for her. More times than I can count, Kim took our kids (in addition to her 7, many times when Jeff was traveling) and never once showed an ounce of being overwhelmed, put-out, or wanting anything in return.
Then in early October 2008 we got the news that Kim had a lump in her breast. I'm not sure I've even to this date, fully processed the news of this cancer. Kim was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. We left Spokane, about 6 months after her cancer was detected and her scans have been clear so far. Leaving Jeff & Kim was torturous. They were and are our family.
Robbie & Sonja~
After awhile of attending our Spokane church, we noticed a couple who we really admired and knew we'd love to get to know, so we did the obvious thing, we signed up to be in their home group and stocked them! Half kidding, but half true! We did join their home group to get to know them, but we placed ourselves into an environment and opportunity to meet other couples. We did become friends with Robbie and Sonja and over the past 10 years, we have shared a long history and relationship together. Neither of us had kids at that stage of life and so we enjoyed a great deal of couple time, skiing, sharing meals together and discussing our desires to add to our families. Robbie & Sonja shared a common thread with us, in dealing with fertility and disappointment in getting pregnant. And then, one day, before home group, they called and told us they would be announcing that they were pregnant. We rejoiced for them, but wept for ourselves. (Three months later, God blessed us with our first pregnancy, now known as Jonah, age 10!) Sonja was who I called when I was baffled as a new mother, she invited me to a Mom's class and it was her friend that I met who introduced the idea of adopting from China to us. (That later led to Grace!) Robbie was the big brother I never had. He is a FedEx driver and would sometimes need a place to eat lunch over discussing ministry or life. Robbie became a spiritual and relational mentor to me, always being level-headed and wise. He was led into Pastoral Ministry with our church and sternly told me No when my timing to begin a College-age small group was not right. When the time came to launch the College group, Robbie walked and talked me through. We had countless nights of "Hot Wings," salad and Sonja's amazing desserts together, as we had one, then two children, months apart. As a Physical Therapist, medically savvy and doctor connected, Sonja counseled me through many of my kids' needs. She reassured me when I panicked and directed me when I was overwhelmed. Our last night in Spokane, with our stuff loaded and heading on the moving truck, they offered their home and food for us, even though they were out-of-town.
These stories certainly do not conclude our relationship experiences, they are a few of the many, monumental markers and people in our lives that helped create and develop who and what we are. When meeting with an elder at our new church in California, he asked what we thought our gift was. I immediately said, relationship! Do I think we're better at it than most? No. Do We make it a top priority in talk and action? Yes! Do we fail, often and hard? Absolutely! But, our hearts have been touched, so intimately, so deeply, so profoundly by each person, in a way, only they could!
Monday, November 23, 2009
"After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain!"
"Beauty From Pain"
by Super Chick
*Now, my #1 song on my playlist, listen as you read the lyrics!
The lights go out all around me,
One last candle to keep out the night.
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died.
And all that's left is to accept that its' over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made.
I try to keep warm, but I just grow colder.
I feel like I'm slipping away.
After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain,
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.
My whole world is the pain inside me,
The best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place?
And through I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames.
Here I am, at the end of me
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your Promise
There will be a dawn!
I went to title this song/post and then bold all the lyrics that hit me so powerfully, but I couldn't choose just one or two, I just had to highlight them all, because they so perfectly fit my heart at this moment. I realize that I hate to talk about myself with friends because I find my life to be so depressing and I can't even bear to listen to my own sad story. Therefore, I feel lonely. It's not that people won't listen, it's just easier not to rehash the frustration.
Our Pastor spoke about our lives intersecting with God and how we feel that God speaks to us. It is probably not a surprise to anyone who has consistently read my blog that music, specifically worship music touches my heart in such a tender way. It really was the first time that I've heard it spoken that each of us meets or intersects with God in different ways and that's ok. I love song lyrics because they are usually the raw heart of emotions, fears, shortcomings and failures. Music is a safe place to reveal some of our most tender and raw feelings. I use music in so many ways, sometimes to praise God, to pray and call upon promises I know to be true, but am finding it hard to believe, asking for forgiveness and strength...it is really endless for me. I don't know why God didn't give me the gift to produce music, just to enjoy it, but I know that I definitely feel closest to God when I'm hearing the gifts that God has given others to sing, play and write things that I feel, but can't express in such an amazing way. Our 8, now 9 year old, received Toby Mac concert tickets for his recent birthday and the fact that Toby Mac mixed sweet and urban rockin' music with worship excites me beyond words!!! (http://www.winterwonderslam.com/)
by Super Chick
*Now, my #1 song on my playlist, listen as you read the lyrics!
The lights go out all around me,
One last candle to keep out the night.
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died.
And all that's left is to accept that its' over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made.
I try to keep warm, but I just grow colder.
I feel like I'm slipping away.
After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain,
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.
My whole world is the pain inside me,
The best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place?
And through I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames.
Here I am, at the end of me
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your Promise
There will be a dawn!
I went to title this song/post and then bold all the lyrics that hit me so powerfully, but I couldn't choose just one or two, I just had to highlight them all, because they so perfectly fit my heart at this moment. I realize that I hate to talk about myself with friends because I find my life to be so depressing and I can't even bear to listen to my own sad story. Therefore, I feel lonely. It's not that people won't listen, it's just easier not to rehash the frustration.
Our Pastor spoke about our lives intersecting with God and how we feel that God speaks to us. It is probably not a surprise to anyone who has consistently read my blog that music, specifically worship music touches my heart in such a tender way. It really was the first time that I've heard it spoken that each of us meets or intersects with God in different ways and that's ok. I love song lyrics because they are usually the raw heart of emotions, fears, shortcomings and failures. Music is a safe place to reveal some of our most tender and raw feelings. I use music in so many ways, sometimes to praise God, to pray and call upon promises I know to be true, but am finding it hard to believe, asking for forgiveness and strength...it is really endless for me. I don't know why God didn't give me the gift to produce music, just to enjoy it, but I know that I definitely feel closest to God when I'm hearing the gifts that God has given others to sing, play and write things that I feel, but can't express in such an amazing way. Our 8, now 9 year old, received Toby Mac concert tickets for his recent birthday and the fact that Toby Mac mixed sweet and urban rockin' music with worship excites me beyond words!!! (http://www.winterwonderslam.com/)
Monday, November 9, 2009
"I could never do that!"
Melancholy, that is a great description of my current mood. Missing the comforts of my home and my fall decorations, the anticipation of the Christmas season, sitting in my Tuscany yellow family room, feeling the warm (yet not efficient) gas fireplace, with our dog snuggled up on the brick hearth, knocks on the door, with neighbor kids calling to play, maybe a day of making cheeseburger soup and peppermint cookies with Angie, dealing with everyday struggles of kids arguing, decided on what to make for dinner (hoping today is the day the Schwan man makes his rounds), laundry piled in my downstairs bathroom waiting to be laundered, too many bathrooms to clean, and so many other nostalgic memories. Our lives seem so upside down, situations don't make sense, days seem unbearable at times, with problems we cannot solve, so we wait. I thought waiting on our 3rd child was the most difficult thing of my life, and now, it pales in comparison. It does not diminish the pain we endured trying to add to our family, or the despair I felt during the long and arduous wait for Grace, it just lends perspective. In 3rd grade math, I'm teaching about line segments. They always have an endpoint and beginning point. Human nature lends us to want a beginning and an end, it's scientific, organized, orderly, explainable, but the spiritual world is not quite as linear. Dates that I have defined as surely the continuation of my stagnate life have come and gone. As I look back on the past 9 months, it seems entirely too quick and yet, so treacherously long. The things that minister to me now are all those things that talk about God's Strength and my weakness. I can so identify with longing, striving for faith, clinging to God's Promises, the struggle of life. When I tell most people that we've lived with my mother-in-law for the past 9 months, they always responded with, "I could never do that!" Well, my answer to that is, "neither could I!" There are a great many things I couldn't have done, wouldn't have wanted to, nor ever thought I'd have to, none-the-less, here we are doing just that. Many days I feel as if I'm drowning. If you've ever experienced the struggle of trying to breathe or get to a place where you can, while in water, you know how very desperate that metaphor really is. Every fiber of your conscious and unconscious self fights to live, it's a natural thing for our bodies to fight to live, just as it is for our spirit. And my spirit has been pressed! I've felt like leaving, screaming, crying, giving up, medicating, & cursing. I certainly have not come through with much grace, however, I mercily have God's mercy! I can't say when my line with have it's proper dot, signifying the end, but I have to fervently pray that it's soon. I never thought I'd endure these trials this long, I know I couldn't, yet I still am. I don't claim to be stronger than I thought, for that is not the reason for my survival. It's God's hands that have held me when my own strength no longer could.
God, I beg for Your Strength. On my own, I cannot... I have not been particularly successful thus far in reflecting Your Love and Your Glory, but I ask for You to shine, in spite of me.
God, I beg for Your Strength. On my own, I cannot... I have not been particularly successful thus far in reflecting Your Love and Your Glory, but I ask for You to shine, in spite of me.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
A Sherriff, 3 thugs & soccer practice
These days I have such little time to think, and much less to write. However, I have to write tonight, to free my mind of our ridiculous evening. Tonight at soccer practice, I was approached by a man who came at me threatening to "put my husband," into the hospital. B had to approach a boy who took C's skateboard, last Tuesday. The boy told his father that B had pushed him down, thus he brought 2 thugs with him to beat down my husband. Fortunately, God provided a photo shoot for B to be at tonight, so he was not with us! Although we were shaken up, scared and shocked at this evenings happenings, we were able to see God's provision in keeping B away and keeping our family safe. Yes, I will be much more paranoid about keeping my kids close and sadly realizing how crazy this world is, but truth and God will prevail.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Attitude Intervention
There has been a coup, an intervention, a confronting of sorts, about my bleak attitude and outlook recently. So the 35 year old Mom and 10 year old Son are both on attitude notice for different reasons, but similarly sinful! The good thing about me is that I never seem to have it all figured out, although I'm always trying. Maybe it doesn't matter so much Why?, but What? What, as a Christ Follower, do I do when the walls around me are crashing down? My stability is no longer, relationship arrows fly at me from many directions with poisonous tips. I've been trying to use my shields to avoid and deflect, but my way is not working. I need God's Truth and Faith, both of which I'm struggling to claim. I really can only be me and pray for God's protection over my heart. I will move forward with new purpose, but fail miserably, as we all do. May God fill in the gaps where I fail and my human-nish and selfishness prevail.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)