Widgets!

Aaahhh, I lost all my widgets (all the things on the side of my blog)! I've spent years collecting blogs and websites that I love, pictures, sayings etc...and they're all gone in one split second! I was trying to re-do the layout of my blog and apparently, I did something wrong and poof-GONE! Technical things are only as reliable and good as its' user. As they say, "Operator Error!" So, if it looks different...It Is!

"Let It Fade"

This song speaks to my heart! I put it on my tunes, so you can listen and see they lyrics!

Jeremy Camp
"Let It Fade"

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.

Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.You can rest, you will find rest.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.
Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?
Are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.
Oh, let it fadeLet this old life crumble, let it fade.

Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

Everything that is NOT for us (sarcasm included)

Thank you God, for showing us everything that is not for us. There are so many things that are not God's best for us and they are all being revealed. In a sarcastic tone, I have to think this way, or I'll fall apart. Knowing we must be getting closer to whatever His plan is for us, I try to focus, but it is much easier to let myself whine and go to the dark side. No matter how I try to convince myself things could be much worse (and they could) it still becomes a battle to see the blessings and joy. My son said, Mom, "you never smile" and truly, I find it difficult to as things are whirling around my mind of all the stresses, details and choices we have to make that will affect ours and our children's lives forever. It is not fun to be an adult sometimes!
We attended our missions church, Valley Fourth, that we went to China with, on Sunday. They had a special adoption Sunday celebration and hearing the families that stepped out and took the risk to adopt's stories was truly inspirational. We do not know if that chapter of our lives is closed, but it did remind me of the things that have been impossible since Brian's job loss. The choices you get to choose from are much less and many things are decided for you when you don't have the finances. The final nail in the coffin seems to have come today, a couple that we travelled with to China, took a position as house parents for the older children at PHF, something that we had discussed and talked about with Tim Baker, the Director. Brian reminded me, this job is a better fit for them as they do not have their own children to tend to and can place all attention on the orphans, and I realize this to be true. Yet another lead that is not God's best and plan for our lives! I know, I know, I know! I've been a believer too long to not know the pat answers...but it still feels yucky. I need something amazing to happen. I need to see the rainbow after the storm, at least a glimpse. My hope is fading and disappointment seems to be commonplace. I write all this, not for pity, but so that when our miracle comes, I'll be able to look back and remember where we've come from! Oh, and Brian officially got laid-off today! (The dirt, covering the nail in the coffin) Now he is released from feeling pulled between job searching and continuing to try to make the impossible happen, loans in this economy. A little going-away-present from Golf Savings (a Sterling Savings subsidiary), our benefits end today also! Thanks for your years of service and the financial gain you've made for us....by the way, don't let the door hit you, where the good Lord split you! We love you Golf!!!! (Yes, bitterness and more sarcasm)

"Plans for a hope and a future"

I always feel the need to "purge" when I'm struggling. I think in writing, if that makes sense? Things come to me in "book" format, then it quickly leaves, so if I don't write it down, I loose half of my growth that happens! We are heading into one of those ...for better OR WORSE times in our married lives! The time when you have to struggle to remember the cute things your spouse used to do and when the real work begins. Everyone has those times and has to make a decision to toil through it. Since I can only speak for myself, not having financial security has caused a fear reaction within me. As a stay-at-home Mom, I am unable to remedy this problem and am in complete submission and mercy to my husband. This is not a place I am comfortable, nor enjoy, nor do with much grace! Without going into gory detail, everything we have worked for is at risk of being lost. I do not say this in a dramatic way, but as our reality. We have sold most things that are not of basic use, or compelling sentiment. We have empty rooms in our large home, a for sale sign in our yard and idea where we're heading. We received an offer on our house, and although there are many hoops to make this sale a reality, we are literally standing on a ledge. We are tossed between moving our family to California to be near family and pursue a bigger job market and staying where we've been for 15+ years with friends, church, kids' school and lives and everything we've ever known.
Ok, I said what we don't have, here's what we do have: a roof over our heads, food to fill us, friends who are praying and blessing us, family who has offered to support us and take us in, clothes that keep us warm, heat, vehicles for transportation, ours and our kids' health, access to Doctors if we're sick and medicine to rid illness, a marriage of 14 years, a beautiful family with 3 amazing children, memories of joy and fun, clean water to drink, a phone to take calls from our mortgage company, a God who loves us and promises hope and a future. **A verse moment: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I'm sure there is much more, my shallowness to realize, proves my state right now. Off to put my treasures to bed, tonight is my night, as my daughter so happily reminds me!

"It requires patience, not yours...His."

Today I met with my wonderful friend, Angie. We have met for around 3 years, every Saturday morning from 7:30 - 11:30ish a.m. Time flies when two SAHM's get to enjoy a pastry, mocha and any and every topic! We missed last week, due to Brian being in Cali, and I have to say, my spirit is renewed when we do...and I lag when we miss! Our meetings have a purpose and that is accountability. When we began, we were not "friends" per se. We knew each other through leadership in Youth Ministry and saw each others' hearts for the Lord. Our relationship has been BUILT from the ground up. We agreed to be transparent, share the deepest of emotions, shame and hurts, ask each other about the things that tempt us, be blunt (in love) when needed and not agree when we shouldn't. We have become the best of friends, because of these things and because of the trust we've each earned she's my biggest confidant. I know she'll be there on Saturday, I know she'll ask me about the things I can hide from everyone else. She'll probably be the first to hear about my success and the first to see my hurts. It's dirty work some mornings. I have to admit the UGLY that is within me. She has helped me heal through many broken relationships, disappointments and my own sin. She has cared for my heart, as a sister in Christ, like I have never experienced and because of our relationship we have been able to be better friends to those we meet. Honesty, it was a fight to take the time for myself. Many people, especially women, do not understand and see it as selfish. Yes it is time I take from my family, and my husband sacrifices on Saturday mornings to parent alone so I can revive my soul. But the trade is priceless. I come home, reek of coffee house with the biggest smile and my soul singing! I hug my children, genuinely am thrilled to begin the day together and head into another week, FULL. I have something to give because I have filled the source. Is it risky to have this type of openness with another human being? Absolutely! Is it worth it? Well, my soul depends on it! I love you Angie!
Today, we discussed, among other things, this quote: "Slowness = God's optimum speed in bringing about His likeness in you." It seems as if the things that we, and others we care for, are praying for are not being answered. Health concerns, jobs, finances etc... We are crying out to our Savior and feeling unheard and even abandoned. The crescendo is this: "It requires patience, NOT YOURS...HIS!" I love the sarcasm in this! Here is how God states this: 2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. **Quotes from "The Divine Mentor," by Wayne Cordeiro. Our sight and understanding is one dimensional and God's is infinite. Of course we don't understand. This I must remind myself again and again.
Last night I returned from my second stay with the Mahowald kids. Jeff & Kim were able to visit with family in AZ and I helped with the necessities on the home front. Four days without my family and at my house, once again reminded me how blessed I am with my own children, husband and home. I am more than thrilled to be with my family and sorry for the toilet I left plugged! Somethings even this tough-girl won't do! BTW, the toilet was plugged from 5 girls not flushing, not by my own doings! I must go and catch up on our brainless shows that bring me happiness. TTFN

The job hunt

Mom and Grace!
I haven't updated for awhile, mostly because I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. Brian is job hunting, the kids are busy with school, sports are done, but between the 3 directions they run, it's enough! Brian just got back from a trip to California to meet with some connections that his brother, graciously helped set up! They were positive meetings, but no official job secured. Some weeks I feel led to stay here, and then other weeks, as sure as I was the past week, I feel led to move! The job with Partners is a no! It took me awhile to get over that loss. I really felt it was the best fit, but apparently, not what God has for us and I have to trust He knows best, even when I doesn't make sense to me. Five days alone with the kids was good when it was good, and bad when it was bad. I'm glad to have my partner back, as after 14 years, we've come to depend upon each other in everything. **Sidenote: a great new show - "Chef Jeff Project" on the Food Network is a great show that we found. We have the most basic TV package now, so we've had to find things to entertain us during our "mindless nights." We stumbled upon this show and it is truly great! **
Our friends, Jeff & Kim, as you may recall, she was diagnosed w/breast cancer a few weeks back, and has just undergone her 2nd chemo treatment. Pray for her strength, as each treatment becomes harder for her body to endure. I guess I'm not chatty, and the couch is calling my booty!

Pray about Partners International Director job

I haven't written in a while, I guess my lack-of-emotion is reflected in my passion here. We are ferverent on the job-hunt front, not sure if we will be here-or-there. We ask for your prayers of guidance for the perfect job, as Brian is in the storm of a career change.
Our Pastor, Randy, was praying over our situation, one day in his office and felt that God gave him the name, Partners International. He called Brian to share about this name that he felt God placed on his heart. He later pulled up Partners Int'l on-line and found that they have a Director of Communications and Marketing position available in our area! Brian made some calls, sent his resume and has attempted two in-person introduction. We do not know the salary, nor the possibility of obtaining this job, but in so many ways, it seems to be the perfect match. They are a global missions outreach organization.
In spite of our trials, we have been blessed by our family and friends.