Life with Purpose

I have so many things rolling through my mind, I feel the need to "purge" some of it and give it a place to rest...therefore, I blog! Besides our own chaos with our home being ripped apart to clean and pack, two of our closest friends have gone through, and are going through some enormous storms. My friend and accountability partner, Angie's youngest son "K" was rushed to the ER and into surgery with a folded intestine. We were all scared and in spite of the unknowns and possibilities for huge problems, he sustained the surgery great, a portion of the intestine was removed, stitched and two days later, he is being weaned off of meds, the cath. and on the road to complete recovery! Praise God! Other friends of ours, are faced with probably one of the biggest events in their life, thus far. Kim was diagnosed with breast cancer, 3 tumors, travelled to the nodes, and will require, chemo., surgery and radiation. Tomorrow she has a port placed to begin the first of her many chemo's required to stop and shut down these rogue cells. People are always too young, and too healthy and have too many kids and things that depend on them, but cancer and bad things don't care to avoid them. Jeff & Kim have 7 kids, ages 17-5, and she is "too young" and "too busy," but cancer doesn't care about circumstances! And so, they deal, and fight and pray! We also heard from the leader of our China missions trip, Steve, who is returning to China in a few weeks with a different team. He found that his Visa was denied and he is not able to enter China! He is resubmitting and completing an explanation letter and again, we pray! My first reaction is: Wow, Satan is sure busy.
As I re-read through one of my favorite books, "Purpose Driven Life," statements that I underlined many years ago, catch my attention. Statements like: "...you don't get to choose your purpose." Whether its to the ped's ICU staff, the oncologist, or people you come into contact with everyday? "God never does anything accidentally, and he never makes mistakes."
Next lesson, more applicable to where we are: "Self worth and net worth are not the same." "Purpose always produces passion. Purpose focuses your life. It concentrates your effort and energy on what's important. People who don't know their purpose try to do too much. If you can't get it all done, it means you're trying to do more than God intended for you to do." And one of my favorites: "Never confuse activity with productivity."
At this moment of disorder, I feel productive. I/We have a goal and are moving towards a purpose. One that shakes everything we've called stability and God's faithfulness before. Where you feel you're following God's commands because you're being blessed on this road. This is different, this is being blessed as I move down the path of uncertainty and what may seem like misfortune to this world. Hmm, they must not have been faithful...look how God is cursing them. Leaving a large house, an amazing community, a supportive church, more friends than we could ever dream, surely this is a consequence for our sin. Whomever is faithful with a little will be given much, replays in my mind over and over...I'm my best critic, my best interrogator and judge! But God says, "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you a hope and a good future." Jeremiah 29:11 and so, "We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18 "This world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it." 1 Peter 2:11
For those who read this, this is not a sermon, this is a journal. This is where my heart is right now. These are the principles that God is trying to teach me, AGAIN. Maybe in a new way, maybe with deeper meaning, but probably, just Again because I didn't get it the first 10 times.
My first thought in hearing that Steve may not be able to lead the team to China, "Brian should go!" Maybe this is part of this enormous plan I don't understand? He's Available! My Mom mentioned this and made me say it out-loud, for I had kept it to myself when it had crossed my mind! SSsssshhhh! God certainly wants me to go too, I think selfishly! Philippians 2: 3-5 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider to hers better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." And so I stand corrected and mention this to Brian. He confirms that it too had entered his thoughts. It makes complete sense and absolutely no sense, both at the same time. It probably won't even come to it, but I'm learning that God is sometimes more interested in knowing our heart when the poo-hits-the-road, rather than us making pious statements of what we would do if the situation would ever present itself, knowing in our safety that it won't. Will you sell the Suburban, the Lord asks of me? No thanks, there must be better ways. Let's think rational, into the future with two old cars, instead of at least one luxury vehicle. I am pressed more and more to consider giving up my leather interior, dual position seats, expanded seating and of course, safety features, snow reliability. Of course it makes the most sense to keep it. But God's question was "will you give it up?" I sat in crummy old minivans with no accessories and pouted. God's not even asking me to give up my life, only my convenience and I'm a huge baby and have to think about it! I'm guessing I won't be first pick on God's team of Dodge ball. "She whines too much." "That girl needs to toughin' up some."
W H A T!! she screams, show me my path! Oh yeah, back to the story, I get her (the car) cleaned up in all her glory and get her on CraigsList. We get a few calls, nothing we really entertain that would better our position and feel that it has all been a play to reveal motives and ability to sacrifice. One more thing: The minute I did surrender the Suburban, nothing ever came about to close the deal. I still drive my cush Suburban, but know that God's only going to ask me once next time and my answer'd better be a quick YES. Anyway, where can all my books, scrap booking supplies fit, if I can't fill it in my Burban'? News Flash, It's Not About Me!

Pray, Step in Faith, Pray

Here's a synopsis of our last days. 1) Brian's job continues to look bleak and dives quickly into a dry desert. 2) We get an initial response from the adoption agency, regarding Mei Mei. It's all positive to move forward with her adoption. 3) The realization that the home we have far surpasses our "needs." 4) Reality of the job market in our city.
We have cried and prayed over the next life defining decisions we will have to make concerning our family. As of now, we are praying specific dates and finance amounts in order to confirm staying in Spokane, but have our sights set on moving to be closer to family and begin new in a different market. So many things have pressed us over the past year. The strength built from our trip to China, our faith in trusting God's desire to give us our hearts' desires. Please pray with us on bringing forth God's best for our family. Our Pastor shared that he is "fighting for us." To know that our friends, our supporters, are "fighting" in prayer on our behalf. Wrestling to define what He has for us, is more than we could ever ask for. Ultimately, this may look like God, has failed us. That we have failed ourselves. All the what haves, should have nots, if just, we could have know...well...we are addressed on a need to know basis. Frankly, we just don't need to know...we just need to pray, step in faith, pray some more.
We spoke to our kids about this synopsis, this afternoon, after school. The general shock tore at their security and cojnfidence. Beginning with tears and shock, ending in discussion, the things we will loose, but the things we will gain! Who knows, maybe all this is less about me and my comfort, but more an infomfortatble feeling, this freeing allows an agenda to move where God calls.

Catch the Adoption Spirit - Guest Authors

Below a post from the Mother (Mary Kamberger) of 7, 4 special needs children from China. A True way to consider our lives and meeting The King in Heaven:

"There's no other more worthy thing to invest your time, life or money into - than the lives of children. Dear Sarabeth had a wonderful life in China with a wonderful foster family for nearly 7 years .... but she was NEVER told that there was a God who created her, loves her and died for her to be able to go to Heaven. She is just eating up the Word of God and glows with inner joy!! No amount of money, time or having a safe/comfortable life can compare to seeing this transformation in her life! And dear little Juls - she would have been dead in the arms ofsome poor ayi, since no one in China could have ever fixed her heart -it was a real toughy for the docs here in the states! And if we have to pay the bills off for years to come, so be it! No we are not crazy and no we are not trying to fill some void in our lives or trying to "stay young" by having kids in our late forties! We have heard all of those comments! The crazy one most of all. But when you do it once, you finally know that it's not that bad/hard and geez, we could do this for yet another child! ... and another .... and another! Catch the adoption Spirit!! Actually several of my email/adoption girlfriends think we should create a new AA - adopters anonymous! Hello, my name is Mary and I peeked at another waiting child list just this morning! LOL! Another heart issue for me is this - when I reach Heaven's gates, I want to have run a long, hard race, fought a tough, exhausting fight and fall at the dear Lord's feet totally spent and used up for Him. I do NOT want to be wallowing in riches in my retirement years, sipping tea by the pool and taking sight seeing world trips! I do not want to be refreshed and freshly showered - I want to be worn out and filthy from the work of bringing every child I can to the Lord's throne. THEN and only then will I truly enter into rest and be able to rejoice forevermore with all the children HE has brought into my life!!"

Here is an excerpt from another adoptive mother's blog, currently adopting a nine year old boy from PHF.

"I read aloud the news that "E" had a very successful heart surgery on June 20 and was not expected to need any further surgery! So much for his condition being “inoperable”! I got choked up as I read the sentence following, “Please say a prayer on behalf of "E" that he would soon find a family of his own.” It was then and there that I KNEW "E" was meant to be more than a sponsored child, but a permanent member of our family."

Not only are they adopting from PHF, but a child who was labeled with an inoperable heart condition. She encouraged me to read her blog to see how God has led them through their process.

Bleak, but not a NO!

Early last week, I spent a good part of a day researching medical assistance, of all sorts, for Mei Mei. I was given the name of a program that assists families who are adopting Special Needs (SN) children, both financially and logistically (Thank you to Jerry & Debbie!). They have adopted a son from Ukraine and are currently in the process of their second adoption of their 14 year old daughter, also from the same orphanage as their son! They are both Special Needs adoptions and they have given us encouragement through their journeys!
I had e-mailed a large/well known adoption agency, asking for their help with Mei Mei, there reply was that they could not do anything to assist us, No Way, No Can Do! I was irritated, but knew that they were obviously not the ones to help us since the mountain to climb will be high and nearly impossible. I timidly e-mailed this newly found program, and received this reply: "This type of adoption can be very difficult to do. It is hard to get a specific child assigned to a specific agency or family now that China has made some changes to the way that adoptions of children with special needs are done. That being said, *** has had some limited success in situations like this in the past." It looked bleak and I continued reading...blah, blah, blah...waiting for the nice, but certain blow-off...but, it never came! They asked me to gather more information about Mei Mei and then stated, "I'll see what we can do!" Hey, it's not a No!! Within one post to a group I belong to, we had her name, orphanage and date of birth! So now, we move on and see where this takes us! It turns out her DOB is one day and one year after Grace's! (DOB 9/2/04 Diagnosis: Single Ventricle ASD, Persistent Truncus Arteriosis)

*Check out the map of the Guangdong Province, where Mei Mei was also from, before being moved to PHF. She was located in Yangxi, a short distance from where Gracie was in the orphanage in Gaozhou. Pretty amazing that both girls were orignally such a short distance from each other.

Please pray for this "Heart Baby"

http://roomforatleastonemore.blogspot.com/Check out this blog to follow a heart wrenching adoption story! The Mom & Dad are currently in China, knew that their daughter, Susannah was a Special Needs baby, both a cleft lip and heart defect, but did not find out until in China, how severe her health was. Please pray along with the family and so many other believers, for this precious child.
I makes my heart bleed for Mei Mei, for her too to have a chance at life.

An update

So, after my psycho-rant, I guessed I'd better update to show that, although we fall, we get back up! Week three into school, I am now a "recovering summer" Mom. The routine is beginning to return and so is my sanity!

After a poignant sermon from our Pastor, I returned to searching for help for little Mei Mei who has been seen by Dr's in China and deemed with a terminal heart condition that is in-operable. The book I am currently reading is Chasing Daylight, by Erwin R. McManus and it has thoroughly challenged me in my faith. He states, "Faith is all about character, trusting in the character of God, being certain in who God is and following Him into the unknown." The things that God asks of us do not necessarily make sense, or even have an end result that we would choose. Going into a situations, knowing that God has your back. "To follow Jesus is to enter the unknown, to relinquish security, and to exchange certainty for confidence in Him."

So, I move forward, feeling completely overwhelmed with my own family, knowing that I am but one small person. I do not feel confirmation in moving forward with plans to adopt, but trying to find her medical help is something God is asking of me. Who knows if I succeed? Only God I suppose? Here is a recent picture of her after a haircut!

As for our future, we are certainly certain of nothing.

A-wreck

Yes, that's the best description of me! I am not only a firstborn, but an ONLY! My oldest son is known to not like change and I am finally beginning to see where he may get it from! So after a summer of chaos, fall is fast approaching and mommy is heading into a tailspin from all the white-noise! There is either too much to do, or nothing to do, that is sort of how I look at life. I like to be somewhere between crazy busy and overwhelmed...one small step heading into overwhelmed territory though, sends me into CRAZY. One step before crazy busy and I am bored and depressed! It really is a sick way to live, but it is ME. Somehow I have found myself overwhelmed, bored. I don't know how that happens, but I wander around the house, looking for something to do-well, something exciting and rewarding, but find nothing, just dirty laundry, clutter and boring projects! I literally feel that my brain may explode, knowing I must not over-commit like I so often have done, I do nothing, but hate it. I miss China, I miss the kids we fell in love with, I miss having to depend on God for everything. I find I am best when I am in full dependence mode with God. If I have to trust, then I do, If I can possibly "think" I can do it on my own, I do! I'm not really an adrenaline junky, because I'm too much a pessimist - well, I call myself a realist! Again, our first born son, needs constant entertainment....hhhhmmmm, actually, I guess I do too! I really believe I should have been in an Amish family, when the wives baked together, quilted together, basically never being alone sounds good to me! I've been alone too much in my life. I was never spoiled, or any of those "cool" reasons to be an only child and I think are still struggling from years of playing house, school, bank, boardgames and everything else by myself! "One" is the loneliest number", as Three Dog Night states! Two out of the nest, one reclaiming her Princess title and a mom who can barely see the light of day! I don't think quality time is my problem. Too much quality time may very well be part of this plight!
Come on crazy stay-at-home moms, share your stories...the dirt, emotions, hurts, heights, disappointments, expectations met or un-met? And my favorite question....:"What's for dinner tonight?