"It requires patience, not yours...His."

Today I met with my wonderful friend, Angie. We have met for around 3 years, every Saturday morning from 7:30 - 11:30ish a.m. Time flies when two SAHM's get to enjoy a pastry, mocha and any and every topic! We missed last week, due to Brian being in Cali, and I have to say, my spirit is renewed when we do...and I lag when we miss! Our meetings have a purpose and that is accountability. When we began, we were not "friends" per se. We knew each other through leadership in Youth Ministry and saw each others' hearts for the Lord. Our relationship has been BUILT from the ground up. We agreed to be transparent, share the deepest of emotions, shame and hurts, ask each other about the things that tempt us, be blunt (in love) when needed and not agree when we shouldn't. We have become the best of friends, because of these things and because of the trust we've each earned she's my biggest confidant. I know she'll be there on Saturday, I know she'll ask me about the things I can hide from everyone else. She'll probably be the first to hear about my success and the first to see my hurts. It's dirty work some mornings. I have to admit the UGLY that is within me. She has helped me heal through many broken relationships, disappointments and my own sin. She has cared for my heart, as a sister in Christ, like I have never experienced and because of our relationship we have been able to be better friends to those we meet. Honesty, it was a fight to take the time for myself. Many people, especially women, do not understand and see it as selfish. Yes it is time I take from my family, and my husband sacrifices on Saturday mornings to parent alone so I can revive my soul. But the trade is priceless. I come home, reek of coffee house with the biggest smile and my soul singing! I hug my children, genuinely am thrilled to begin the day together and head into another week, FULL. I have something to give because I have filled the source. Is it risky to have this type of openness with another human being? Absolutely! Is it worth it? Well, my soul depends on it! I love you Angie!
Today, we discussed, among other things, this quote: "Slowness = God's optimum speed in bringing about His likeness in you." It seems as if the things that we, and others we care for, are praying for are not being answered. Health concerns, jobs, finances etc... We are crying out to our Savior and feeling unheard and even abandoned. The crescendo is this: "It requires patience, NOT YOURS...HIS!" I love the sarcasm in this! Here is how God states this: 2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. **Quotes from "The Divine Mentor," by Wayne Cordeiro. Our sight and understanding is one dimensional and God's is infinite. Of course we don't understand. This I must remind myself again and again.
Last night I returned from my second stay with the Mahowald kids. Jeff & Kim were able to visit with family in AZ and I helped with the necessities on the home front. Four days without my family and at my house, once again reminded me how blessed I am with my own children, husband and home. I am more than thrilled to be with my family and sorry for the toilet I left plugged! Somethings even this tough-girl won't do! BTW, the toilet was plugged from 5 girls not flushing, not by my own doings! I must go and catch up on our brainless shows that bring me happiness. TTFN

The job hunt

Mom and Grace!
I haven't updated for awhile, mostly because I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. Brian is job hunting, the kids are busy with school, sports are done, but between the 3 directions they run, it's enough! Brian just got back from a trip to California to meet with some connections that his brother, graciously helped set up! They were positive meetings, but no official job secured. Some weeks I feel led to stay here, and then other weeks, as sure as I was the past week, I feel led to move! The job with Partners is a no! It took me awhile to get over that loss. I really felt it was the best fit, but apparently, not what God has for us and I have to trust He knows best, even when I doesn't make sense to me. Five days alone with the kids was good when it was good, and bad when it was bad. I'm glad to have my partner back, as after 14 years, we've come to depend upon each other in everything. **Sidenote: a great new show - "Chef Jeff Project" on the Food Network is a great show that we found. We have the most basic TV package now, so we've had to find things to entertain us during our "mindless nights." We stumbled upon this show and it is truly great! **
Our friends, Jeff & Kim, as you may recall, she was diagnosed w/breast cancer a few weeks back, and has just undergone her 2nd chemo treatment. Pray for her strength, as each treatment becomes harder for her body to endure. I guess I'm not chatty, and the couch is calling my booty!

Pray about Partners International Director job

I haven't written in a while, I guess my lack-of-emotion is reflected in my passion here. We are ferverent on the job-hunt front, not sure if we will be here-or-there. We ask for your prayers of guidance for the perfect job, as Brian is in the storm of a career change.
Our Pastor, Randy, was praying over our situation, one day in his office and felt that God gave him the name, Partners International. He called Brian to share about this name that he felt God placed on his heart. He later pulled up Partners Int'l on-line and found that they have a Director of Communications and Marketing position available in our area! Brian made some calls, sent his resume and has attempted two in-person introduction. We do not know the salary, nor the possibility of obtaining this job, but in so many ways, it seems to be the perfect match. They are a global missions outreach organization.
In spite of our trials, we have been blessed by our family and friends.

Hope does not disappoint

I have been dealing with fear of discouragement. Now if that isn't worrying about worrying, I don't know what is?! So tonight, as I met with my blessed friend, Angie, when she prayed for me, she mentioned a scripture that speaks of this exact thing. "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character/and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Key ways to deal with discouragment: 1 Bind Satan and stand firm in the Holy Spirit which reveals Truth. 2 Go to someone strong - to be mentored. 3 Spiritual brother 4. Staying the course. 5 Take care of yourself. 6.Discouragement is often the last tool before the victory. 7. Trust in God

Having hope is great, fear of not having hope is death
Death = Satan

"Where You send us, God, we will Go, You're the answer, we want the world to know."

Last night I couldn't sleep, and I had brilliant things rolling around in my mind, but now that I have a minute to write...it's gone! So today, all new thoughts and whatever the brilliance of yesterday, gone into thin air. Helping Brian prepare to apply for a job that seems to be a perfect fit and allowing myself to feel those emotions is a big step in my own health. In our whole process, the unknown is somewhat the most difficult. "Should we stay or should we go?"
Sunday's have become tough days for me. Throughout the week, life distracts me, but Sunday morning, it's no one but God and I. As we begin to worship through music, the lyrics of songs begin to break me down. I find I can raise my hands in praise and agreement with the words, but with tears streaming, and my heart hurting, I cannot sing out the words.

Blessed Be Your Name by The Newsboys
"Blessed be Your name In the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of abundance flow Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name When I'm found in the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name."

Surrender by Lincoln Brewster
"I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within. I lay it all down for the sake of you my King. I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights. I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life. And I surrender, all to You, all to You. And I surrender all to You, all to You. I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross. And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss. For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name. To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain. And I surrender, all to You, all to You."

Awesome Is The Lord Most High by Chris Tomlin
"Great are You, Lord Mighty in strength. You are faithful. You will ever be. We will praise You, all of our days. It's for Your glory, we offer everything. Raise your hands, all you nations. Shout to God all creation, how awesome is the Lord most high. Where You send us, God, we will go. You're the answer, we want the world to know. We will trust You, when You call our name. Where You lead us, we'll follow all the way. We will praise You together, now and forever. How awesome is the Lord most high. Hallelujah!Hallelujah! How awesome is the Lord most high!

These are the cries of my heart when looking at God's face. Not what my flesh wants, for the flesh wants whats easy. The verse that God's placing on my heart is Matthew 19:24 "...it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." A rich man, I am not, but that is not the point. Everything that was written in the Bible was written to me, for me, so I must gain what I can. God is telling me, money, things, financial security can overtake my ability to serve Him and be effective for the Kingdom. Wealth can work against God's ultimate purpose. I don't believe that rich means only above a 6 income figure, we are all rich (rich in pennies as my son says). These things take a spot in front of our mission for God and this is what concerns God.
So ends the thoughts of the day! And again, my heart revealed, so engage gently. Good Night.

Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining!

Yesterday, Brian, aka, Daddy, was cristened by the beloved Grace! Not maybe the typical initiation, but one none-the-less! She was having a tantrum, and in her anger, pee'd on Brian. You've heard the saying we always hurt the ones we love? Brian, consider yourself loved! And, welcome to my life!

Day 2 with 6 - wait, 7!

Whew, quite a long day, day # 2 with 6 kids - and today, I add my 3 year old to ease the pain of Dad and enabling her missing out on the 9:00a.m. Flag Football game of brothers, tomorrow morning. I'd like to identify the exact age between loving the bathing, to looking at it with great disdain, to never thinking you need another one, and then back to (my favorite) just try to get them out of the shower and have any hot water left in the tank!?! I just don't get: Warm Water, Soap, Clean...what's so bad about that?
Our house went up on the market today, so we thought there was a chance it would be shown, and so begins the crazy clean-friskiness. I have no idea where we would go if it sells quickly. So, that could be a problem.
I am having difficulty processing the limited information I've gotten from Jeff & Kim. I've heard the "it's not good," but I also know of miracles and cancers that are healed without any explanation! I've had a difficult time relating this trauma to me and how to relate it my me, my family and how would I feel. The empathy part is difficult because I really have nothing to compare it to. When I talked to my friend today, I admitted that the biggest anger I might feel would be that my kids' mother would be taken away! That thought gets to the center of my heart. If it were Brian sick, I would grieve my friendship, partner, always there to talk and communicate. I mentioned prior that I am an only child and something about being alone so much of your childhood, pushes me in the direction of wanting to be around people.
Tomorrow, Ben & Angie are taking the kids & I up to Green bluff for pumpkins and adventure. They are so excited! I miss both Carters, Football Game, & Jonah's, Soccer Game tomorrow, but it is for a good cause and it will be fun for all of us! TTFN