not now

I have this certain question that keeps plaguing me with anxiousness. Just when I believe that I'm confident of my answer, something, usually a story, book, blog, or real life event occurs that gnaws into my heart and causes me to re-think, or re-submit. It has emerged recently due to, of all things, a garage-sale! We were once again, going through things to purge and share with others and I came upon them, "Gracyn's outgrown clothes!" They haunt and torment me! I/We, do not debate having another biological child (LORD, please do not teach me, Not My Will But Thine, in this way!) However, adoption is and will forever be, a passion & love. How can you possibly have one of the MOST amazing, eye opening experiences in your life and not have your heart remain soft to the opportunity of going through it all again? I continually wrestle with this and desperately beg God for a definite answer. All I can know is my answer for this moment and it is, Not Now. So I quickly re-pose, as if God didn't hear the whole question....not now? not ever? like in 5 years? my quiver is full? what age? china? wouldn't a sister close to grace's age be best? i love the 12-18 month age? we're getting too old! i can't possibly! i can't be done? {I turn into, basically, a badgering 2 year old.}

Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.

Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle!

My reading as of late has included Photography Business & Marketing, thus leaving my head full, but heart a bit empty, so when a friend recommended a great read and company to discuss it, I was in!

I have been missing my California days of an awesome book club that read Fiction Novels together; we discussed them over coffee and even an occasional movie, dinner & phone call with the Author. While looking for small groups at our new church, www.LakesideChurch.com, a book club was presented and although I do enjoy reading, I would hardly call myself an avid-reader. I took the opportunity to meet new people, to be a part of something new, and it turned out that I loved it! Since leaving California and my book club, I have missed the thrill of a good book and better yet, friends to discuss, provoke thought & challenge in my thinking.

"One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp delivers vivid, descriptive, feeling filled writing with the graphic existence that we so often bump-up-against in life. Her story begins with a gripping childhood horror story of her little sister's death in the road outside their rural farm home. Her first memory and the bitter reality of this world's cold truth and it is something we can all relate to. Maybe not death of a sibling, or child, but, LOSS itself. "One Thousand Gifts," is the journey how one woman, mother, sister, friend, searches for meaning and fullness in a dream crushing, world. It's the exploration of "living fully so we are fully ready to die."

And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...{Luke 22:19}

"He gave thanks: reads "Eucharisteo." Charis means "grace," (a name and word close to my heart!) And, Chara, meaning "joy." Joy & Grace, closely intertwined...

Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.

Jesus offered thanks even amidst the most difficult upcoming event and wants us to do the same. "Thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." Communion is about "celebrating greater gain through great loss."

These first two chapters are brutally convicting, a blow to exactly where I stand in pride, argument & disobedience to my God. As I sit in church today, I realize that there are so many things going right in my life. Why is it that the one area that sucks seems to envelop my thinking and seep into and contaminate everything else? In a word, Satan, in another, Sin.

I knew this book was about being thankful, but I didn't realize that it would require such trust and abandon.

My NEVER AGAIN moment

Not many days go by that I don't just randomly state, "I Love Dave Ramsey!" And today is no exception. While listening to his radio broadcast, he made a statement to a caller that had a profound effect on me. I haven't had many "A ha Moments" lately, which leaves me to wonder whether I'm not hearing or reading anything worthy, or if I personally am on a plateau of weighty thoughts?

Dave often talks about his own financial ruin and how he learned to change his thinking with regards to debt. At the bottom, he had a "NEVER AGAIN" moment that forever changed his path.

I have had more "NEVER AGAIN" moments in my life than "A ha" ones, for sure! I have managed, in all my wisdom and education, to make a butt-load of, what-turned-out-to-be, bad decisions, thus leading my straight into "NEVER AGAIN" reflection! When we sold our under-valued dream house and headed to live with family in a declining job market and economy, I can truthfully say that not one person told us we were wise, or doing the right thing. Although a choice so drastic is not for everyone, it was what was right for us. We had already been through over a decade and a half of financial ebbs and flows that are a reality in the Real Estate business and knew, also from experience, that financing this hardship through debt was not a road we wanted to pick. However, when the tough road we chose was not laiden with gold and dreams were quickly dashed because this sacrifice did not immediately pay-off or out, I began to question. The next 18 months were ones of struggle and while we were blessed in ways we only now see, while in it, felt like we were upon the storm of our lives.

So today, when Dave Ramsey spoke of getting to the point through life's trials of having the Never Again moment, I felt hope! Even though I do feel as if we made the smartest decisions possible, and even though we gave up so much and endured a washers experience of life...we can truly say, "NEVER AGAIN!" We will be more cautious in the size of home we purchase, we will continue to use cash and not debt to buy items, we will guard our six month, just in case emergency fund, we will commit to paying off our home early etc...because, I NEVER AGAIN want to be placed in a situation where I have to choose to let it all go in order to stay out of debt!

To read more about Dave Ramsey's Radical financial strategies, check out www.DaveRamsey.com and one of his many books, "The Total Money Makeover."

Wear rubber boots...

We are on our last day of our weeks vacation in Long Beach, WA. It has been a humble vacation, one that keeps us on our tight budget, but a break away none-the-less. One of the days, we drove to Ledbetter Point Park for a hike. We chose the 2.8 mile loop and headed out with blue skies and great expectations. As life often brings, we were in for a tad-wetter and longer trek than we had planned! We burrowed through the thick vegetation and sometimes mucky trail, feeling great as we came upon the last .9 mile sign. "Sweet, less than a mile to go," we innocently thought and even shared aloud! The rain began and the trail shrunk and we found ourselves within minutes of the end of the trail with a full-on flood looming over and entirely around the path. We took inventory of the thick terrain and flooded path and found no way possible to pass. We turned around and headed back the way we came, probably around 2.6 miles!

The weather was coming down fairly steadily by now, hair soaked and thighs-cold from the beating rain and all I could think, was, "What did I miss that God felt the need to send me back to catch?" I hate these re-do types of life-lessons! I can't say I had a life-altering encounter with myself on the reverse hike back, but the irony of it all is not lost on me either. If nothing else...wear rubber boots when hiking on the Western side of the state!!

"Choosing to See"

I was loaned the book, "Choosing to SEE," by Mary Beth Chapman, Steven Curtis Chapman's (Christian Music Writer/Singer) wife. Their story is a horrific one, one of loosing a child. Their life took a devastating turn, as explained in an excerpt from her book:

"Then everything changed forever. I realized I was hearing odd sounds outside-not just the yelling of happy play but screams and commotion. I bolted into the kitchen to head outside just as Shooey ran up the back steps and met me there. "Mom!" she yelled. "Will's hit Maria with the car!" I flew outside. Will was near the garage, holding his little sister in his arms. There was a lot of blood, on both of them. "Maria!" Will was crying. "Maria! Wake Up!"

This is a mind boggling life story that just leaves me with so many questions. Mostly, all starting with WHY?! It is poignant and vulnerable and Real, all favorites of mine. It is not a story emphasizing death, but living life with hurts. How life continues, even after tragedy and disappointment and we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other on a daily basis, even when our heart is broken. I'm not sure why God directed me to this book, it truly hurt to read it. It deeply scares, actually makes we want to drop to the floor and kick and scream, saying, "Not me Lord, don't ever let me have to feel such pain!"

May 21, 2009 Maria Chapman, born in China, the same age as my Grace, left this earth to be with The LORD and I can tell you that I held my own precious China daughter tighter and remembered the miracle and gift she is to me, a little more clearly tonight! LORD, please help me to realize the gift of each day, that You do not promise us forever here on this earth. We are not fully at home here because this is not our Forever Home, but just Until! Praise You God that we have a Hope and knowledge of beyond this broken world. Thank You that You are God, and we are not and that our pain and our story that you bestow upon us is for Your Glory. May I be a good steward of my story and may it indeed be to Your Glory!

I Shoot People, Photographically Speaking!

"The Fast Track Photographer Business Plan," By Dane Sanders
(Design by Debbie Glasserman, Copyrighted Material)


Since the loss of Brian's mortgage business in 2009, we have been trying conventional means to earn a living. Basically our entire married life, and thus, our entire adult life, we have been in a "self-employed" business and job and we have found, with great risk, comes great reward. The Mortgage field is a brutal one, a job that has required many of the sacrifices that are common to building any type of business. Brian found a niche for himself and created an empire of business for the better part of 15 years that afforded us a beautiful home, enabled me to stay at home with our children and enjoy many amazing experiences in life. As we have laid that part of lives behind, we find the entrepreneurial spirit restless within us.

Brian has had a love and passion for photography for as long as I have known him and even it resonates even before that. He has tinkered with it over the years, often spending his personal time and money on cameras, equipment and books to hone in on his skill and natural ability to understand the technical side to things, ever-so-easily. However, in the past, I'd say, 4 years, we've been a little more deliberate in focusing our attention to this "hobby," as photography so often births-itself, and trying to gradually move it into a business. We began with landscapes, moved into family and senior portraits and then while in California, worked contractually with a local newspaper shooting sporting events and local highlights, collaborated an album for a local persimmon farmer, and most recently, with a business owner to capture still shots for a business who's mode of sales was through e-commerce.

All this, to document our journey and experience in the photography world that has led us to this place. Which is Where Exactly, you ask? Precisely my question! Returning to this impresario nudging, I begin a research that will hopefully be the foundation for a Photography Business launch in the upcoming year.

I picked up a book called, "Fast Track Photographer Business Plan," by Dane Sanders and have been diligently applying myself in education in all aspects pertaining to Photography. Although this book has not given an exact mathematical formula for a successful photography business, it has given me a great foundation on business principles. I have found that while reading, I often have similar ideals and ideas roaming around my head, but just haven't been able to frame it into words. The highlights for me have pointed to these concepts: 1) Defining Our Vision 2)Finding a Product/Service that our Target Audience/Clients are willing to pay for (Finding Your Sweet Spot) 3)Criteria for Pricing our Products - considering Overhead & Profit 4)Outsourcing/Scaling/Strategic Partners - Implementing partnerships that share the same Values as we do in our business (WWYD) 5) Marketing/Sales is about Inviting, not old school tactics using pressure and gimmicks, Appreciating & utilizing Touch Points.

One of the most exciting things in all this glory-less research has been the gradual formation and contemplation for our business. What is our Photographic Point of View? The 3 Main area's of emphasis seem to be coming into focus (no pun intended!) and it is Simply Exciting!

"What are you doing right now that requires faith?"

Had one of those moments yesterday when you hope and pray that your kids don't remember the details of your sins when they get older! Just completely lost it, and something I'm realizing, is that, being a parent is one of God's ways to keep you humble. As I'm ranting to my kids about doing the right thing, I demonstrate how we are sinful nature'd beings, just bent on sinning! I took them all aside individually and apologized for my lack of self-control (they come by that honestly) and meekly move-on praying that I don't try harder, but that I have more of God because I know I cannot will or white-knuckle it through the daily stresses of life.

We are reading "Crazy Love," by Francis Chan and this weeks chapter asked, "What are you doing right now that requires faith?" The answer for me, is "Raising my kids!" I am so incredibly inadequate and this world is so incredibly relentless. I feel as if I've come across classified information about this life, and it isn't good. Somewhere in the past two years a truth was revealed that this world sucks! Maybe not news to you, but I was dumbfounded after figuring this out. How I deal with this "intelligence" is still a bit of a mystery. I know this is not the end of the story because God lives and sent His Son to redeem us. I can't wait to learn the rest of the story for me. I'm such a work in progress.