GOD: "Do You Trust Me?"

Yesterday, in my alone time with God (in the shower when I lock the door & no-one can bother me) He proposed the question, "Do You Trust Me?"

It was the, " are you willing to fall back without a safety net into my arms without seeing I'm here," kind of trust! I have a dilemma, a conflict with work and a commitment to Church/God. It may not be the kind of dilemma that would stop everyone in their tracks, but for some reason, I feel that God is asking me, "DO YOU TRUST ME?"

I truly want to say YES with reckless abandon, but I don't! I stop and think, ponder, run the scenarios over and over in my head. I do the math, try to find an answer that is logical & practical, but this isn't that kind of question!! It's a matter of TRUST and COMMITTMENT and FAITH, but I don't want it to be about those things.

So, I don't answer! I try to send an e-mail, against my own better spiritual judgment, but God rejects my lousy try at sulking my way out of His True Question and the e-mail is returned/not sent.

LORD, I want to trust you, but I feel let down, abandoned, left to fend for myself and so I hesitate to answer. GOD, please help rebuild my trust in You, not by answering all my prayers with yeses, but by allowing me to see what you've accomplished over this past year. Move us forward out of this valley and give us a gracious perspective on our trials. Help me to be thankful for the things I have failed to see as blessings and help me to be able to answer YES, I TRUST YOU!

"You may be knocked down, but not out forever..."

While working, I was listening to the new Toby Mac album, "Tonight Deluxe Edition," and although the catchy phrases are easy to grace my memory, I haven't taken the time to really dive into each song's meaning & lyrics. This night, while struggling with the thoughts that this past year have done something to change me, I found the lyrics to the song, "Get Back Up."
Change can be a great thing, and certainly many of the lessons I'm learning can be categorized in a favorable way, however, there are some things that have been produced in me to late, that I'm not particularly bragging about. My sinnism has increased with abundance. Some would call this pessimistic, but I've always disliked believing that I am a pessimist, it just doesn't seem that a Believer should always assume or expect the worst, it negates the miracle and God factor. I've insisted I'm a Realist, fully knowing Satan roams and frankly rules THIS world and knowing human nature and our bent on being selfish beings. I've come up with the title for my book, "When God answer's everyone's prayers but mine," see, pessimistic you think? But when this is your experience of life, it just seems like reality. When I let myself go to the self-pity place, I am shaken by my God who delicately reminds me that I cannot see all the things He's rescued me from, saved me from my own demise and carried me through the sand when all I see are my footprints.
"Get Back Up"
by: Toby Mac

You turned away when I looked you in the eye,
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you're fighting for your life,
But why? Oh Why?
Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where,
And there's always scars
When you fall that far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you gonna shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
We lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get, get up...
Your gonna shine again,
Never too late to get back up again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever

You rolled out at the dawning of the day
Heart racin' as you made you little get away,
It feels like you've been runnin' all your life
But, Why? Oh Why?

So you've pulled away from the love that would've been there,
You start believin' that your situation's unfair
And there's always scars
When you fall that far

We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you gonna shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
We lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get, get up...
Your gonna shine again,
Never too late to get back up again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever

Time is such a hurdle for us, all we can see is Now and now is already Gone. "Get Back Up" gives hope and I may be knocked down, but not out forever. Beauty will once again be seen in Full Color, not shades of my waiting for.....life.

Top 10 clues you're becoming a Northern Californian:

You know you're becoming a Northern Californian when: 10) You begin to call San Francisco, "The City," and are happy to find City parking for $30.00. 9) You realize that Coscto's parking lot is more dangerous for your kids than sending them to play in the freeway. 8) 30-40 minute highway drive is considered close-by. 7) When housing is in a huge slump and you are thrilled to find low end housing in the "affordable" $350,000 range! 7) Almost all your friends have been through a short sale or foreclosure. 6) Comparing unemployment stories is a point of bonding 5) You try Sushi again, even though it made you puke the first time you tried it. 4) You freeze if it's below 65 degrees. 3) You no longer have to run to the bathroom immediately after eating In & Out Burger. 2) You own a knock-off purse 1) You find an amazing church and friends who've made it begin to feel like Home!

"Misery often turns into Ministry"

I often listen to our Christian radio stations while in the car, one because at some point, I realized I had the choice to either worship God or not, and when I looked at it like that I realized that my selfish desire to stay current with secular music was really not that important in the grand scheme of eternity! Secondly, once my eldest son reached about 3, I became hugely aware of what I was letting enter his mind. "Oh be careful little ears what you hear...Oh be careful little ears what you hear, for the Father up above is looking down with love, so be careful little ears what you hear!" Children's songs sure have a way of stating the obvious, yet sometimes difficult Truth's of God. Anyway, all that to say, I heard the announcer make the statement today, "Misery often turns into Ministry." I love little catch phrases, they help me digest and implement new ideas or profound statements and apply them to my life. (That is partly why I love Dr. Phil-isms)
Today, I used, "You ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer," probably not super politically correct, yet gets right to the point. (Thanks for that one, Papa!)
The idea of sharing in things that pain me deeply, gives me a hope, when there feels as if there's none. A few days ago, I spoke to our Small Group Coordinator at our church, about the idea of beginning a group regarding the difficulties of present life...foreclosure, job loss, short-sale, down-sizing, financial stress, living w/a mother-in-law, and life changes. This has been so difficult for me and I continue to struggle with purpose, groaning, being satisfied in everything and keeping myself from the depths of self-pity, anger, blame, disgust, frustration and far worse. If I miss this opportunity to turn something bad into something that blesses others and glorifies God, then maybe I've missed the point. I've thought about going to the support group for those who have lost loved ones, but don't want to trivialize my physical loss to those who have lost a child, or husband or wife, or mother or father. It isn't quite the same scale, yet there is mourning to be done, an old life to grieve, a way of being in this world that is lost. A loss of security, stability, and ability to predict what tomorrow will bring. It too needs a voice of understanding, compassion, empathy and support. As I began to search out what material God may be pressing me to use, I found this quote that deeply struck me: "Life need not be easy to be joyful. Joy is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ." William Vander Hoven Convicted again!

"You Make, ALL Things, Work Together for My GOOD

It is very difficult when I have not taken the time to write and process the things that are happening in my life, my brain becomes a whirling and twirling tornado of feelings, information, pain and hurts and undiscovered blessings. So many things have occurred, many lessons learned by observation, so many lessons missed by being blinded by my own selfishness and pride.

A song we've been singing at church with our Worship Pastor, Gabriel Wilson, is called, "Your Love Never Fails," by Jesus Culture. Again, my heart has the ability to feel Jesus through lyrics of songs and this song has touched a tenderness and place of struggle within me. The first lyrics that caught my attention are when he says: "The chasm is far to wide, I never thought I'd reach the other side." Which could refer to sin and us getting to God. Without the cross and Jesus' death for our sins, the chasm is far too wide. However, this touched me in a personal way, speaking of the desperation I've felt about life's circumstances. Some days the chasm between a normal, happy life, stability, financial security, comfort in knowing my kids are happy, and that moment actually coming, have seemed so wide that I can't even hope. The second lyrics that absolutely redeem that hope is the bridge that states: "All things, work together, for my good." That is God's answer to my loss of hope! One of the things I love about this song is that you sing, "All things, work together, for my good" over and over again. For me, it's like the author and God knew that I can't possibly understand and certainly can not claim this until I've sung it over and over! As I lift my hands in worship and open my heart to God, I begin to realize that this statement is Truth. My heart has hardened with the trials we've endured and it takes time for God's Truth to burrow through the black and bitterness I've stored up. By the end, I begin to sing that line with confidence and faith, rather than as a question to God.

"Your Love Never Fails"
by: Jesus Culture
(Now playing on my Playlist, song #1)

Nothing can separate,
even if I ran away,
Your Love Never Fails

I know I still make mistakes, BUT
You have new mercies for me everyday
Your Love Never Fails

You stay the same through the ages,
Your love never changes,
Their may be pain in the night,
but joy comes in the morning.

And when the oceans rage,
I don't have to be afraid,
because I know that You love me...
Your Love Never Fails.

The wind is strong and the waters deep,
But I'm not alone in these open seas,
Cause Your Love Never Fails.

The chasm is far too wide,
I never thought I'd reach the other side,
But Your Love Never Fails.

You stay the same through the ages,
Your love never changes,
Their may be pain in the night,
but joy comes in the morning.

You Make..
ALL Things, Work Together For My GOOD!

A little crazy!

I am usually completely serious on this blog! I probably seem like the most boring person ever, so here's a little fun song that I dance and embarrass myself while singing! Check out my new #1 on my music playlist. You just can't help but shake-it-a-little while listening to this! Go Beyonce, "Single Ladies"
I picked up a very part time job, working as a Catering Assistant and have subsequently worked many weddings and parties that inevitably end up playing this song, so although it's not in my typical playlist, it is very fun to go a little crazy with sometimes! And, it's a little blast from my old days of loving Salt -n-Pepa!

"Fly to Jesus and Live" con't....In Memory of Mei Mei