Books and Quotes!

It's a good day! After moving in with family, we've had very few things that we've been able to keep with us. I located my one box of favorite books that I knew I could not part with, and got to open them today! More and more, I realize that books are a treasure that I cannot live without! My books are a journal and story of the things that I was learning or found remarkable during the different seasons of my life. I pulled out an old favorite, "The Purpose Driven Life," by Rick Warren and was flipping through some chapters and am quickly reminded why it was so life-altering the first time I read it. Here are a few quotes that jumped out at me:
1) "You'll never know that God is all you need until God is all you've got." This statement I can completely identify with! I have been thinking back to the day when the floor dropped out from under me, once we got here. I can not even describe in words how hopeless and wrong it felt to be in a place that I was alone and under fire. I've never experienced not being able to hold myself up and not being able to control sadness. Over my life, I've had my share of hurt that seeped out as anger. I've rarely allowed hurt to be displayed as hurt. It is too scary, too unsafe and vulnerable, so I hide it away, or so I think. It's kind of like the cartoons where the guy tries to plug the holes where water is spilling out, but only finds that you don't have enough fingers to plug them all. Emotions spill out regardless of how we attempt to control them.

2) "When we're in pain, we don't have the energy for superficial prayers." In one of my earlier journals, I put a quote from Kate Goselin about listening to other women talk about insignificant things in life and not being able to identify, or care, about such trivial stuff. I have encountered this also. Things happen around me and I want to scream....I'M ON FIRE HERE!! CAN NO ONE SEE THIS! Not that I need attention, just that as my life is upside-down, things have not necessarily changed for everyone else. Ultimately my perspective is primarily based on necessity and need right now, and I get that this is about my growth, character building & priorities.

3) "Your focus will determine your feelings." Well, I am beginning to hear this, I wouldn't even go as far as to say, I'm learning it yet!

And 4) "The situations that will stretch your faith most will be those times when life falls apart and God is nowhere to be found. When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust him in spite of your feelings, you worship Him in the deepest way." This is the good news! It becomes easy to be critical of myself and think, that my frustrations with our circumstances (and thus God, for He is in control) equal unfaithfulness. I do trust you God, please take my anger and attitude and refine me into a beautiful silver that reflects you.

A line to ponder:

"You may not live long enough to sit in the shade of the seed you plant." I heard a variation of this stated on our local christian radio station yesterday and I tried to remember it because it struck me as being so very true. If I don't write it down, it'll be another victim to random quotes in my brain.

Strangely Confident?!

...this is the theme of Angie and my's accountability morning! There are times that we receive clarity and instruction and then, there's the rest of our lives! To say the least, we've been in a trial above all others. After a conversation with my sweet Angie last week, I was challenged to pursue a passion that has been erupting for the past few years. B and I had a conversation that surprised me and I realized that we were both in a place to begin taking a giant leap of faith. I do not feel confirmed in sharing this road as of yet, as God is asking us to place this at His feet, not run ahead & not take over the reigns. Patience is always that nasty lesson that is torturous in life. I got my huge dose of patient-learning when we made the decision to begin trying for our 3rd child. Fertility is not something that runs in my family (I am an only child) and we had to utilize fertility drugs to become pregnant with our firstborn and trying for #3 was more of the agony that we'd endured, only worse. This time, Clomid was not helping encourage my body to listen to the hormonal responses that needed in order to occur to conceive. We moved forward in the fertility regimen, beginning with injections, blood draws, & Ultrasounds. Things can only move so quickly when your dealing with the body and this becomes painfully apparent when ones body is not cooperating. Each month ended with discouragement, pain, frustration, anger, sadness and questioning. After we decided not to pursue further fertility treatments, I knew I wanted to add to our family and that the next option was adoption. We looked into the Foster-to-adopt program, but felt that our hearts could not bear further pain and uncertainty. I found an international program through Columbia that delighted my heart and became fixated on getting an infant through this means. B was not on board, yet. I rammed my way through, taking the lead in fulfilling my desires. I've since learned that when both spouses are trying to control, row and lead the canoe, it doesn't go well and even with the best on intentions, you end up crashing into the shore and many trees and shrubs (Yes, this is a metaphor, but also an actual experience where I gained valuable clarity!) Although I do believe that many times, the woman, made in God's sensitive likeness, may receive a message from God before her husband, she must endure the wait. As Dr. Phil states, "You've got the tail waging the dog." Just a side note, this is all being said from the woman who had a picture of the US Supreme Court Justices picture hanging on my wall in college, with my head glued onto a body because I had lofty and feministic ideas about my life and future! Dragging a man behind you is not God's best and perfect plan and usually ends in failure of some kind. The time frame between deciding I wanted a baby and receiving our daughter was approximately 4 years, all said and done. The 2 years between filling out our adoption application and flying to China to get Grace, was some of the longest, agonizing time I've spent. But, I did learn that if I can wait that long for a reward that if far more amazing than I could have ever imagined, patience must be a part of God's sweet fruits that I desire. All that to say, I have been given a glimpse of what our future may hold and a momentary view of why we've had to endure this struggle and I think it just may be worth it! As I wrestle with things like, caution, realistic expectations, lofty thoughts of grandeur and failure, I pray that He is leading me.

You Never Let Go

Yet another song that fits my sentiments perfectly! This finds me just as I am and as I desire to be! Take a listen and enjoy the lyrics, song #1 on my playlist.

You Never Let Go
By: Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light, that is coming, for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know
You here on the earth
(Chorus)
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

I am a grumbling Israelite!

This is not what was orignially on my mind to write about, but I found this quote on another blog. A mother who lost her baby, shortly after she was born, shared an excerpt from the book and this particular quote caught my heart. "Grateful people learn to celebrate even amid life's hard and harrowing memories because they know that pruning is no mere punishment, but preparation." Henri Nouwen, Author of "Turning my mourning into dancing."
I am humbled today after a pointant teaching from God, today at our Saturday night church service, Pastor Brad shared stories of the Israelites from Exodus 16 & Numbers 20.
Exodus 16
1 The whole Israelite community set out from Elim and came to the Desert of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had come out of Egypt. 2 In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death."
4 Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. 5 On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days."
6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt, 7 and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we, that you should grumble against us?" 8 Moses also said, "You will know that it was the LORD when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. Who are we? You are not grumbling against us, but against the LORD."
9 Then Moses told Aaron, "Say to the entire Israelite community, 'Come before the LORD, for he has heard your grumbling.' "
10 While Aaron was speaking to the whole Israelite community, they looked toward the desert, and there was the glory of the LORD appearing in the cloud.
11 The LORD said to Moses, 12 "I have heard the grumbling of the Israelites. Tell them, 'At twilight you will eat meat, and in the morning you will be filled with bread. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God.' "
13 That evening quail came and covered the camp, and in the morning there was a layer of dew around the camp. 14 When the dew was gone, thin flakes like frost on the ground appeared on the desert floor. 15 When the Israelites saw it, they said to each other, "What is it?" For they did not know what it was. Moses said to them, "It is the bread the LORD has given you to eat. 16 This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer [a] for each person you have in your tent.' "
17 The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. 18 And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed.
19 Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning."
20 However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them.
21 Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away. 22 On the sixth day, they gathered twice as much—two omers [b] for each person—and the leaders of the community came and reported this to Moses. 23 He said to them, "This is what the LORD commanded: 'Tomorrow is to be a day of rest, a holy Sabbath to the LORD. So bake what you want to bake and boil what you want to boil. Save whatever is left and keep it until morning.' "
24 So they saved it until morning, as Moses commanded, and it did not stink or get maggots in it. 25 "Eat it today," Moses said, "because today is a Sabbath to the LORD. You will not find any of it on the ground today. 26 Six days you are to gather it, but on the seventh day, the Sabbath, there will not be any."
27 Nevertheless, some of the people went out on the seventh day to gather it, but they found none. 28 Then the LORD said to Moses, "How long will you [c] refuse to keep my commands and my instructions? 29 Bear in mind that the LORD has given you the Sabbath; that is why on the sixth day he gives you bread for two days. Everyone is to stay where he is on the seventh day; no one is to go out." 30 So the people rested on the seventh day.
31 The people of Israel called the bread manna. [d] It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey. 32 Moses said, "This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Take an omer of manna and keep it for the generations to come, so they can see the bread I gave you to eat in the desert when I brought you out of Egypt.' "
33 So Moses said to Aaron, "Take a jar and put an omer of manna in it. Then place it before the LORD to be kept for the generations to come."
34 As the LORD commanded Moses, Aaron put the manna in front of the Testimony, that it might be kept. 35 The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.
AND
Numbers 20 2-12
2 Now there was no water for the community, and the people gathered in opposition to Moses and Aaron. 3 They quarreled with Moses and said, "If only we had died when our brothers fell dead before the LORD! 4 Why did you bring the LORD's community into this desert, that we and our livestock should die here? 5 Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to this terrible place? It has no grain or figs, grapevines or pomegranates. And there is no water to drink!" (This has been said from my very lips, just replace Egypt with California!)
6 Moses and Aaron went from the assembly to the entrance to the Tent of Meeting and fell facedown, and the glory of the LORD appeared to them. 7 The LORD said to Moses, 8 "Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together. Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their livestock can drink."
9 So Moses took the staff from the LORD's presence, just as he commanded him. 10 He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, "Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?" 11 Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank.
12 But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them."
Lord forgive me, I am a grumbling Israelite. Their words have been my words and may I trust you enough....

The battle is not your's, but God's

I've gotten out of the habit of writing, one, because our computer is not in a convenient location & B) I'm trying not to whine, and I've been stagnate in many aspects. We have been here now, about 2 months and the deep cavern is beginning to shallow. I am back in the game, fighting once again! Many things have happened over the past month, ups and downs that have vigorously shaken me. We have found a church that we are thrilled to call home and this is the backbone to Us. We attended Lakeside Church http://www.lakesidechurch.com/, 3 weeks ago, and knew almost immediately, that this was the one for us. We loved the LOUD and passionate worship and found the Pastor, Brad Franklin, an amazing teacher and communicator of The Word. We come from a church of around 250, and are now at one sized around 2,300. So beyond our deep desire and need for friends here, we also long for community with believers. We were directed to a Lifegroup and spent Wednesday night meeting with 6 other couples, watching a Louis Giglio series called, Canvas. Although they were "strangers," it is certainly the beginning of our new church family (not that the old family is gone or forgotten!). Brian interviewed for his third higher education recruiter position, and feels led to pursue this field. We'll see what comes of this interview, we move forward with caution as "this is not our first rodeo'" as Dr. Phil says! My dad, always said, "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck!" PRAISE UPDATE: Our friends, Jeff & Kim and their 7 kids, heard some amazing news that the stage 4 cancer is in full remission! Kim will have to continue to battle, as a double mastectomy and hysterectomy has been scheduled, but she is a fighter and obviously, the Lord is not finished with her yet! Please continue to lift us in prayer, I have felt the spiritual battle going on, as well as the circumstantial fight and have been asking for God to reveal what exactly we're fighting against. I need a name so I can fight. I set out to find the verse Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." BUT, instead, I found this: 2 Chronicles 20: 15 - 17 "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. You will not have to fight the battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." Hmm, exactly what I needed to hear! God has spoken, need I say more! Goodnight.

Blooms

Driving around in our new area, things are in bloom, buds are spouting, and green is everywhere. Back in Spokane, we are used to anxiously awaiting our tulips to poke their heads out from the frozen tundra. The weather here has been in the 60's to 70's and even an 80, last Friday. As I relate the beautiful flowers to my life, I realize that everything has it's season. Blessings, blooms and beauty has it's time, and then work, difficulties and receiving nurturing must happen. I don't know why this has particularily struck me this week, except that as I live through this cavern in my life, it becomes difficult to see this as temporary. Sure I dream about having our own house, what colors I want my walls, seeing my furniture that is packed in storage, and that Christmas feeling when I get to unpack everything after being without. But just as the beautiful blossoms will soon fade to green leaves, then the fight just to remain through the heat of summer, the loss of leaves and everything that makes them unique and then the long rest during winter, so is life.