Surrender and failure

Today has been quite overwhelming. As I sat...and I mean sat, (my back has a severe knife-like pain that if I stand attacks and I cry out in pain)...in church today, the emotion that I have been able to ignore over the past week swelled. Too much, that is what is all comes down to. I know that our path, although difficult and ardous is right. I am assured that this is not punishment, but testing. Testing of my endurance. Today was one of human weakness.

Not only am I physically not able to stand, I am needing to emotionally and spiritually lean on God. Not being able to do things for myself, or my family is a physical kind of torture. Weakness, is never something I do well. I guess I never got over the two-year old, "I'll do it myself" mentality. So, here I sit, needing and not able bodied, probably just how God wants it. Why do I need to learn so many lessons at one time? Pray I get it quickly.
Ok, on to what I am reading - More "Chasing Daylight" by Edwin McManus, one of the best books I've ever read! I finished my last post talking about surrender, something that Angie and I talked through our last coffee/accountability hours. Here's a few of my favorite quotes/most challenging considerations: "The greater that moment's opportunity, the greater the risk. The moment in which we have the most to gain is also the moment we have the most to surrender." The word surrender is so beautiful because it rejects loosing. It rejects failure. Living for God can appear like toiling in vain (I love my thesaurus).
Now, McManus adresses what is within the realm of success, or things that God deems acceptable, worth our doing. He states, " we are commended to do whatever as long as it reflects the heart and character of God." Philipians 4:8 "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."
We spend so much time worrying if what we desire is under God's tiny umbrella of "His will." The truth may be more obvious than we've ever been led to believe? "In Paradise God gave man one no in the midst of an endless yes. Just one bad option and absolute freedom to choose from all the good as he preferred. Many times when we claim we are waiting on God, He is wating on us." We have been conditioned to believe that inside of God's will we will be safe. "We do not begin to live risk-free, but instead become free to risk." How many of us, or how much of what we do appears to be a failure? Does Satan cloud our minds and those who surround us with judgement based on human experiences and models? The ought-to's and should's? "Failure is closely related to risk , which is closely related to success." It all comes down to our ability, or inability to see. We have linear sight and thinking, in an infinate Godly plan.
An incident played out at a football game last week. Our son was calling another child gay. It was brought to our attention by a coach and my immediate response was shame and humiliation and judgement. What kind of Christian mother and family would produce a child who uses such grave language? Every parent will question our home, see all of our shortcomings and inabilities. I forget that maybe they have all recently had this same issue. I hear a three year old at Jonah's soccer game say "crap" and I laugh! Into time-out he goes, but it sickly speaks to my heart that I am not the most horrible mother ever.
I am posting a few pictures because I have neglected and blogs always look cuter with pictures! One of Jonah playing soccer, one of Carter playing football, Grace, eating cherrios like a dog because she had mittens on and it was insanely cold, and frankly, she could!