I am forgetful! I know this about myself and have tools in-place in my life to compensate for it, but I do still forget. This seems to coincide with human, sinful nature and my relationship with God. This past week, God has literally, placed me where I needed to be (working miraculous to get me there), given me and idea and words to accomplish this task (miraculous enough to MOVE a CEO of a bank to place a personal phone call to my husband about a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I STILL have DOUBT and fear and disbelief!!!! I know...
I am humbled back into God's Word and his arms because I cannot do it on my own. Even the Mac-Daddy of miracles, and I still remain faithless. I found the Old Testament story of the Israelites victory over the Philistines, led by Samuel. How, while they ..."were afraid" (v7) and "They said to Samuel, Do not stop crying out to the LORD our God for us, that he may rescue us from the hand of the Philistines." (v8) and then Samuel offered a sacrifice and cried out to God. "He cried out to the LORD on Israel's behalf, and the LORD answered him." (v9) And after that victory, 12"Samuel took a stone and set it up between Miszpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." 13 So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again."
In the story, I am the Israelites, who continue to not get it! I hear God's voice, strong and clear, I feel God's presence, I feel God's direction, and yet, moments later I stumble. I giggle when I read James 1:23-24, and yet, it suddenly isn't so funny because I find myself doing it. 23 "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." Moments after God has revealed Himself in miraculous ways, I forget.
God, I offer a sacrifice of myself, my pride, my fear, my control, my doubt. I know You are good and that Your timing is not mine, that faith is a moment by moment choice and I choose to believe even though I am fearful and weak. Please increase my faith. I write this as my Ebenezer stone, remembering and commemorating that the LORD helped us.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Divine Appointment
...HE CALLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, now that doesn't mean much because I have not told the rest of the story...so here it goes...
Since taking the job and working events, my schedule takes place in the evenings. Many things happen during our week, being a typical busy family with sports, string and choir concerts, special occasions, biblestudy etc...so my general philosophy has been to let God be in control of making my schedule and request as little off as possible, without missing HUGELY important events in my family.
My middle son had a birthday coming up and I opted not to request the day off, but again, lay it in God's capable hands and make his special day whatever one I wasn't working.
I got my schedule and I was scheduled to work his birthday, we rearranged things so we could do a family celebration the day before and his party was the day after. No Problem (a little guilt though, to be completely honest.) I then received an e-mail from my employer saying that the event had been moved and I'd be off!!
Hurray, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
All was great until I got a call from work, the day before his birthday, asking me to fill in for another event, on that same night. After talking to Brian and feeling at peace, I agreed and was scheduled to work an "In Home," event at a clients personal residence. I soon learned that the party was a formal baby shower and the host was the CEO and Chairman of a local B A N K! (Hmmm) We went to the event, set-up, served, hosted and I prayed that an opportunity may arise for me to make a connection for Brian, in regards to a possible job lead.
The party ended, and while I am a bold writer, I am very shy and professional in person, careful not to mix personal with work. We get ready to leave and the hosts give me a check, as a gratuity. Now, the amount was almost THREE TIMES, any gratuity I had ever received and while my bottom lip hit the floor, I excitedly drove away, praising God for this blessing, especially, in knowing the struggles I had had in working this particular evening.
While driving home and just talking to God about the irony of me being in the CEO of a BANKS house, while we are desperately trying to find my husband a job (with 15 years of finance experience!!) it becomes even clearer that this was a DIVINE APPOINTMENT, set by God and should not be wasted! God continued to impress upon me that I should send the generous amount back, share part of our story, and ask him for something far more valuable....his time.
While I am confident with my own writing ability, this letter was truly God inspired! It was not ME! The words poured out, exuding honesty, vulnerability and asking for something far beyond my wildest dreams...a personal meeting and consideration for a position within his company for my husband.
The letter was sent on Friday, we received a call fourteen days later!! PRAISE GOD! He moved moutains!!
Ok, now that doesn't mean much because I have not told the rest of the story...so here it goes...
Since taking the job and working events, my schedule takes place in the evenings. Many things happen during our week, being a typical busy family with sports, string and choir concerts, special occasions, biblestudy etc...so my general philosophy has been to let God be in control of making my schedule and request as little off as possible, without missing HUGELY important events in my family.
My middle son had a birthday coming up and I opted not to request the day off, but again, lay it in God's capable hands and make his special day whatever one I wasn't working.
I got my schedule and I was scheduled to work his birthday, we rearranged things so we could do a family celebration the day before and his party was the day after. No Problem (a little guilt though, to be completely honest.) I then received an e-mail from my employer saying that the event had been moved and I'd be off!!
Hurray, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
All was great until I got a call from work, the day before his birthday, asking me to fill in for another event, on that same night. After talking to Brian and feeling at peace, I agreed and was scheduled to work an "In Home," event at a clients personal residence. I soon learned that the party was a formal baby shower and the host was the CEO and Chairman of a local B A N K! (Hmmm) We went to the event, set-up, served, hosted and I prayed that an opportunity may arise for me to make a connection for Brian, in regards to a possible job lead.
The party ended, and while I am a bold writer, I am very shy and professional in person, careful not to mix personal with work. We get ready to leave and the hosts give me a check, as a gratuity. Now, the amount was almost THREE TIMES, any gratuity I had ever received and while my bottom lip hit the floor, I excitedly drove away, praising God for this blessing, especially, in knowing the struggles I had had in working this particular evening.
While driving home and just talking to God about the irony of me being in the CEO of a BANKS house, while we are desperately trying to find my husband a job (with 15 years of finance experience!!) it becomes even clearer that this was a DIVINE APPOINTMENT, set by God and should not be wasted! God continued to impress upon me that I should send the generous amount back, share part of our story, and ask him for something far more valuable....his time.
While I am confident with my own writing ability, this letter was truly God inspired! It was not ME! The words poured out, exuding honesty, vulnerability and asking for something far beyond my wildest dreams...a personal meeting and consideration for a position within his company for my husband.
The letter was sent on Friday, we received a call fourteen days later!! PRAISE GOD! He moved moutains!!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
"Follow God & He will change you."
I made an appointment with writing and God today, because although I've prayed and sought Him, I am craving seeing, touching and feeling His Words and Hearing His Voice speak only to me today.
The past months have been relentless, financial burdens have been in-my-face since signing up and attending the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Course through our church! On about week 3 I renamed it..."Financial NOT-Peace," due to the intensity and marital discord being strewn about in it's path! There were moments I questioned everything, I was humbled and broken, mean, fearful...Oh was I fearful! However, my loving and patient husband, held on, pursued me and talked to me, as we began to un-layer the issues. We began to dream, plan and design Hope once again. After being beat and kicked in the face so many times, hope begins to fade, cynicism becomes a good friend, doubt a shadow and FEAR, an unshakable enemy. The Faith and Hope I've known all along becomes dulled and distant, the enemy whispers that those attributes of God are for some, maybe the "best" believers, the privileged...but not for me. So shaking these lies requires valence and confidence....AND GOD! I could never do it...never, never, by myself. "For everyone born of God overcomes the world..."
Slowly, I regain traction, able to hear ever so faintly, the sweet Hope that is Jesus, that He offer's freely to me. It is an outright battle! "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, PUT ON...STAND FIRM...TAKE UP...AND PRAY!" (emphasis added, portions of Ephesians 6:10 - 18)
It is not passive, it is exhausting. I do it for my husband, for my children, for my God and myself, because I know the TRUTH, now I must do it! As I write this, I am not THERE. I have not arrived, but I am fighting. It is bloody, it requires sacrifice and pain, risk beyond where I am comfortable and so much more.
What does it literally look like? I found a job, something I've hated the idea of! Something I've prayed that would not be required because my heart is and has always been to be with my children full-time. I humbly serve at a Catering Company, something I have experience in and allows for flexible evening hours to accommodate our three kids' schedules. Brian sacrifices sleep, by working from 7:00 - 3:00 so he can be available to be home for the kids, cook, clean, laundry, bus & homework the kids while I'm away. We both sacrifice precious time together and relaxation in order to pick up the slack. I've missed soccer game highlights, dinners, communication, even a birthday, to be available to work. Dave Ramsey's motto is, "Live like no one else, so you can Live like no one else," and it is this mantra that get's me through some days. This is not forever, it is for a time.
One of the pivotal beliefs I've struggled with through this is FAITH. When the crap hits the fan, will I cling to knowing God has my back and my best interest, or cling to fear and my own devices? I wrestle with the balance of working at things on my own, versus letting God. Times I focus on praying and depending upon God, and times I focus on doing...neither seem to have availed, which leaves me confused. Friends have seen my struggle and see the need for me to release and let go, breath in God's Peace. I have to find the sweet spot between being okay with this route and being true to who I am. I am a fighter, I expect much of myself and others, but yet need to see life not through my own finite eyes, but through Christ's eternal eyes.
I'm learning to listen more closely, to obey more fully and Trust without abandon. To be honest, I suck at it! Thankfully, our Pastor has taught for months, with one sentence being the basic principle, "Follow God, & He will change you." It is this that I must do! Luckily, it is the only thing I can do.
Laundry and life beckons...so my story must pause, but this past Saturday morning was one of completely risking and abandoning in faith. A circumstance, orchestrated by God, that required obedience, rashness, risk and potential loss. Something that may result in amazement, or may purely be about obedience? Stay tuned for the details...
The past months have been relentless, financial burdens have been in-my-face since signing up and attending the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Course through our church! On about week 3 I renamed it..."Financial NOT-Peace," due to the intensity and marital discord being strewn about in it's path! There were moments I questioned everything, I was humbled and broken, mean, fearful...Oh was I fearful! However, my loving and patient husband, held on, pursued me and talked to me, as we began to un-layer the issues. We began to dream, plan and design Hope once again. After being beat and kicked in the face so many times, hope begins to fade, cynicism becomes a good friend, doubt a shadow and FEAR, an unshakable enemy. The Faith and Hope I've known all along becomes dulled and distant, the enemy whispers that those attributes of God are for some, maybe the "best" believers, the privileged...but not for me. So shaking these lies requires valence and confidence....AND GOD! I could never do it...never, never, by myself. "For everyone born of God overcomes the world..."
Slowly, I regain traction, able to hear ever so faintly, the sweet Hope that is Jesus, that He offer's freely to me. It is an outright battle! "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, PUT ON...STAND FIRM...TAKE UP...AND PRAY!" (emphasis added, portions of Ephesians 6:10 - 18)
It is not passive, it is exhausting. I do it for my husband, for my children, for my God and myself, because I know the TRUTH, now I must do it! As I write this, I am not THERE. I have not arrived, but I am fighting. It is bloody, it requires sacrifice and pain, risk beyond where I am comfortable and so much more.
What does it literally look like? I found a job, something I've hated the idea of! Something I've prayed that would not be required because my heart is and has always been to be with my children full-time. I humbly serve at a Catering Company, something I have experience in and allows for flexible evening hours to accommodate our three kids' schedules. Brian sacrifices sleep, by working from 7:00 - 3:00 so he can be available to be home for the kids, cook, clean, laundry, bus & homework the kids while I'm away. We both sacrifice precious time together and relaxation in order to pick up the slack. I've missed soccer game highlights, dinners, communication, even a birthday, to be available to work. Dave Ramsey's motto is, "Live like no one else, so you can Live like no one else," and it is this mantra that get's me through some days. This is not forever, it is for a time.
One of the pivotal beliefs I've struggled with through this is FAITH. When the crap hits the fan, will I cling to knowing God has my back and my best interest, or cling to fear and my own devices? I wrestle with the balance of working at things on my own, versus letting God. Times I focus on praying and depending upon God, and times I focus on doing...neither seem to have availed, which leaves me confused. Friends have seen my struggle and see the need for me to release and let go, breath in God's Peace. I have to find the sweet spot between being okay with this route and being true to who I am. I am a fighter, I expect much of myself and others, but yet need to see life not through my own finite eyes, but through Christ's eternal eyes.
I'm learning to listen more closely, to obey more fully and Trust without abandon. To be honest, I suck at it! Thankfully, our Pastor has taught for months, with one sentence being the basic principle, "Follow God, & He will change you." It is this that I must do! Luckily, it is the only thing I can do.
Laundry and life beckons...so my story must pause, but this past Saturday morning was one of completely risking and abandoning in faith. A circumstance, orchestrated by God, that required obedience, rashness, risk and potential loss. Something that may result in amazement, or may purely be about obedience? Stay tuned for the details...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
quiet...waiting...
A few moments of quietness...day 3 of the new school year with all three kids in school. My little Grace is in Kindergarten and while she's so thrilled, and I'm glad to have a short time to accomplish tasks and choose what I want to do, it's change!
*Sidenote - I'm listening to Gungor's, "Beautiful Things," & WOW (it's in my playlist, check it out)! Passionate, moving, intimate, deep, humbling and true! LOVE IT!
I haven't posted for the past 3 months and it accurately portrays the reality of my summer months, not one moment for myself! Turns out 12 & 10 year old boys are not anymore able to self-entertain than they were when they were 3 & 1! A constant vigil over them staying out of trouble was how I spent most of my energy. I am so blessed to know them so closely and be available for the many life lessons we've entered into this summer, but I am tired. I need to spend time re-acquainting me with myself.
Both boys, thanks to my mom, aka, Gran, attended Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp, on the Oregon Coast and had a blast. We swam a ton, despite the slow start to summer weather, had a glorious week in Bend, OR as a family and spent many hours in close quarters at home.
In accordance with the same lesson I seem to learn & re-learn, while we were on our family vacation in Bend, Brian received an e-mail about a job he had applied for months prior. We had devised a strict and "light yourself on fire," (Dave Ramsey) marketing plan for two companies we felt were a good match in value & position for Brian to hound for a job. We worked it and of course, the interview would be delivered by God's provision, not our work!! His first interview went stellar, we followed rigid protocol, sent thank you notes, follow-up emails etc...the second interview was great and now we find ourselves in a common spot, WAITING! No immediate gratification here! Again, we email, leave messages and pray for God's will to be revealed. It is not easy and knowing I have no control (but God does) is only head knowledge some moments and not really something I practice. I remind myself....and painfully wait. I'm anxious for disappointment, it's really our most experienced emotion.
*Sidenote - I'm listening to Gungor's, "Beautiful Things," & WOW (it's in my playlist, check it out)! Passionate, moving, intimate, deep, humbling and true! LOVE IT!
I haven't posted for the past 3 months and it accurately portrays the reality of my summer months, not one moment for myself! Turns out 12 & 10 year old boys are not anymore able to self-entertain than they were when they were 3 & 1! A constant vigil over them staying out of trouble was how I spent most of my energy. I am so blessed to know them so closely and be available for the many life lessons we've entered into this summer, but I am tired. I need to spend time re-acquainting me with myself.
Both boys, thanks to my mom, aka, Gran, attended Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp, on the Oregon Coast and had a blast. We swam a ton, despite the slow start to summer weather, had a glorious week in Bend, OR as a family and spent many hours in close quarters at home.
In accordance with the same lesson I seem to learn & re-learn, while we were on our family vacation in Bend, Brian received an e-mail about a job he had applied for months prior. We had devised a strict and "light yourself on fire," (Dave Ramsey) marketing plan for two companies we felt were a good match in value & position for Brian to hound for a job. We worked it and of course, the interview would be delivered by God's provision, not our work!! His first interview went stellar, we followed rigid protocol, sent thank you notes, follow-up emails etc...the second interview was great and now we find ourselves in a common spot, WAITING! No immediate gratification here! Again, we email, leave messages and pray for God's will to be revealed. It is not easy and knowing I have no control (but God does) is only head knowledge some moments and not really something I practice. I remind myself....and painfully wait. I'm anxious for disappointment, it's really our most experienced emotion.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
not now
I have this certain question that keeps plaguing me with anxiousness. Just when I believe that I'm confident of my answer, something, usually a story, book, blog, or real life event occurs that gnaws into my heart and causes me to re-think, or re-submit. It has emerged recently due to, of all things, a garage-sale! We were once again, going through things to purge and share with others and I came upon them, "Gracyn's outgrown clothes!" They haunt and torment me! I/We, do not debate having another biological child (LORD, please do not teach me, Not My Will But Thine, in this way!) However, adoption is and will forever be, a passion & love. How can you possibly have one of the MOST amazing, eye opening experiences in your life and not have your heart remain soft to the opportunity of going through it all again? I continually wrestle with this and desperately beg God for a definite answer. All I can know is my answer for this moment and it is, Not Now. So I quickly re-pose, as if God didn't hear the whole question....not now? not ever? like in 5 years? my quiver is full? what age? china? wouldn't a sister close to grace's age be best? i love the 12-18 month age? we're getting too old! i can't possibly! i can't be done? {I turn into, basically, a badgering 2 year old.}
Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.
Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle!
My reading as of late has included Photography Business & Marketing, thus leaving my head full, but heart a bit empty, so when a friend recommended a great read and company to discuss it, I was in!
I have been missing my California days of an awesome book club that read Fiction Novels together; we discussed them over coffee and even an occasional movie, dinner & phone call with the Author. While looking for small groups at our new church, www.LakesideChurch.com, a book club was presented and although I do enjoy reading, I would hardly call myself an avid-reader. I took the opportunity to meet new people, to be a part of something new, and it turned out that I loved it! Since leaving California and my book club, I have missed the thrill of a good book and better yet, friends to discuss, provoke thought & challenge in my thinking.
"One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp delivers vivid, descriptive, feeling filled writing with the graphic existence that we so often bump-up-against in life. Her story begins with a gripping childhood horror story of her little sister's death in the road outside their rural farm home. Her first memory and the bitter reality of this world's cold truth and it is something we can all relate to. Maybe not death of a sibling, or child, but, LOSS itself. "One Thousand Gifts," is the journey how one woman, mother, sister, friend, searches for meaning and fullness in a dream crushing, world. It's the exploration of "living fully so we are fully ready to die."
And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...{Luke 22:19} "He gave thanks: reads "Eucharisteo." Charis means "grace," (a name and word close to my heart!) And, Chara, meaning "joy." Joy & Grace, closely intertwined...
Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.
Jesus offered thanks even amidst the most difficult upcoming event and wants us to do the same. "Thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." Communion is about "celebrating greater gain through great loss."
These first two chapters are brutally convicting, a blow to exactly where I stand in pride, argument & disobedience to my God. As I sit in church today, I realize that there are so many things going right in my life. Why is it that the one area that sucks seems to envelop my thinking and seep into and contaminate everything else? In a word, Satan, in another, Sin.
I knew this book was about being thankful, but I didn't realize that it would require such trust and abandon.
I have been missing my California days of an awesome book club that read Fiction Novels together; we discussed them over coffee and even an occasional movie, dinner & phone call with the Author. While looking for small groups at our new church, www.LakesideChurch.com, a book club was presented and although I do enjoy reading, I would hardly call myself an avid-reader. I took the opportunity to meet new people, to be a part of something new, and it turned out that I loved it! Since leaving California and my book club, I have missed the thrill of a good book and better yet, friends to discuss, provoke thought & challenge in my thinking.
"One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp delivers vivid, descriptive, feeling filled writing with the graphic existence that we so often bump-up-against in life. Her story begins with a gripping childhood horror story of her little sister's death in the road outside their rural farm home. Her first memory and the bitter reality of this world's cold truth and it is something we can all relate to. Maybe not death of a sibling, or child, but, LOSS itself. "One Thousand Gifts," is the journey how one woman, mother, sister, friend, searches for meaning and fullness in a dream crushing, world. It's the exploration of "living fully so we are fully ready to die."
And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...{Luke 22:19} "He gave thanks: reads "Eucharisteo." Charis means "grace," (a name and word close to my heart!) And, Chara, meaning "joy." Joy & Grace, closely intertwined...
Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.
Jesus offered thanks even amidst the most difficult upcoming event and wants us to do the same. "Thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." Communion is about "celebrating greater gain through great loss."
These first two chapters are brutally convicting, a blow to exactly where I stand in pride, argument & disobedience to my God. As I sit in church today, I realize that there are so many things going right in my life. Why is it that the one area that sucks seems to envelop my thinking and seep into and contaminate everything else? In a word, Satan, in another, Sin.
I knew this book was about being thankful, but I didn't realize that it would require such trust and abandon.
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