Tuesday, November 22, 2011
"Follow God & He will change you."
I made an appointment with writing and God today, because although I've prayed and sought Him, I am craving seeing, touching and feeling His Words and Hearing His Voice speak only to me today.
The past months have been relentless, financial burdens have been in-my-face since signing up and attending the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Course through our church! On about week 3 I renamed it..."Financial NOT-Peace," due to the intensity and marital discord being strewn about in it's path! There were moments I questioned everything, I was humbled and broken, mean, fearful...Oh was I fearful! However, my loving and patient husband, held on, pursued me and talked to me, as we began to un-layer the issues. We began to dream, plan and design Hope once again. After being beat and kicked in the face so many times, hope begins to fade, cynicism becomes a good friend, doubt a shadow and FEAR, an unshakable enemy. The Faith and Hope I've known all along becomes dulled and distant, the enemy whispers that those attributes of God are for some, maybe the "best" believers, the privileged...but not for me. So shaking these lies requires valence and confidence....AND GOD! I could never do it...never, never, by myself. "For everyone born of God overcomes the world..."
Slowly, I regain traction, able to hear ever so faintly, the sweet Hope that is Jesus, that He offer's freely to me. It is an outright battle! "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, PUT ON...STAND FIRM...TAKE UP...AND PRAY!" (emphasis added, portions of Ephesians 6:10 - 18)
It is not passive, it is exhausting. I do it for my husband, for my children, for my God and myself, because I know the TRUTH, now I must do it! As I write this, I am not THERE. I have not arrived, but I am fighting. It is bloody, it requires sacrifice and pain, risk beyond where I am comfortable and so much more.
What does it literally look like? I found a job, something I've hated the idea of! Something I've prayed that would not be required because my heart is and has always been to be with my children full-time. I humbly serve at a Catering Company, something I have experience in and allows for flexible evening hours to accommodate our three kids' schedules. Brian sacrifices sleep, by working from 7:00 - 3:00 so he can be available to be home for the kids, cook, clean, laundry, bus & homework the kids while I'm away. We both sacrifice precious time together and relaxation in order to pick up the slack. I've missed soccer game highlights, dinners, communication, even a birthday, to be available to work. Dave Ramsey's motto is, "Live like no one else, so you can Live like no one else," and it is this mantra that get's me through some days. This is not forever, it is for a time.
One of the pivotal beliefs I've struggled with through this is FAITH. When the crap hits the fan, will I cling to knowing God has my back and my best interest, or cling to fear and my own devices? I wrestle with the balance of working at things on my own, versus letting God. Times I focus on praying and depending upon God, and times I focus on doing...neither seem to have availed, which leaves me confused. Friends have seen my struggle and see the need for me to release and let go, breath in God's Peace. I have to find the sweet spot between being okay with this route and being true to who I am. I am a fighter, I expect much of myself and others, but yet need to see life not through my own finite eyes, but through Christ's eternal eyes.
I'm learning to listen more closely, to obey more fully and Trust without abandon. To be honest, I suck at it! Thankfully, our Pastor has taught for months, with one sentence being the basic principle, "Follow God, & He will change you." It is this that I must do! Luckily, it is the only thing I can do.
Laundry and life beckons...so my story must pause, but this past Saturday morning was one of completely risking and abandoning in faith. A circumstance, orchestrated by God, that required obedience, rashness, risk and potential loss. Something that may result in amazement, or may purely be about obedience? Stay tuned for the details...
The past months have been relentless, financial burdens have been in-my-face since signing up and attending the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Course through our church! On about week 3 I renamed it..."Financial NOT-Peace," due to the intensity and marital discord being strewn about in it's path! There were moments I questioned everything, I was humbled and broken, mean, fearful...Oh was I fearful! However, my loving and patient husband, held on, pursued me and talked to me, as we began to un-layer the issues. We began to dream, plan and design Hope once again. After being beat and kicked in the face so many times, hope begins to fade, cynicism becomes a good friend, doubt a shadow and FEAR, an unshakable enemy. The Faith and Hope I've known all along becomes dulled and distant, the enemy whispers that those attributes of God are for some, maybe the "best" believers, the privileged...but not for me. So shaking these lies requires valence and confidence....AND GOD! I could never do it...never, never, by myself. "For everyone born of God overcomes the world..."
Slowly, I regain traction, able to hear ever so faintly, the sweet Hope that is Jesus, that He offer's freely to me. It is an outright battle! "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, PUT ON...STAND FIRM...TAKE UP...AND PRAY!" (emphasis added, portions of Ephesians 6:10 - 18)
It is not passive, it is exhausting. I do it for my husband, for my children, for my God and myself, because I know the TRUTH, now I must do it! As I write this, I am not THERE. I have not arrived, but I am fighting. It is bloody, it requires sacrifice and pain, risk beyond where I am comfortable and so much more.
What does it literally look like? I found a job, something I've hated the idea of! Something I've prayed that would not be required because my heart is and has always been to be with my children full-time. I humbly serve at a Catering Company, something I have experience in and allows for flexible evening hours to accommodate our three kids' schedules. Brian sacrifices sleep, by working from 7:00 - 3:00 so he can be available to be home for the kids, cook, clean, laundry, bus & homework the kids while I'm away. We both sacrifice precious time together and relaxation in order to pick up the slack. I've missed soccer game highlights, dinners, communication, even a birthday, to be available to work. Dave Ramsey's motto is, "Live like no one else, so you can Live like no one else," and it is this mantra that get's me through some days. This is not forever, it is for a time.
One of the pivotal beliefs I've struggled with through this is FAITH. When the crap hits the fan, will I cling to knowing God has my back and my best interest, or cling to fear and my own devices? I wrestle with the balance of working at things on my own, versus letting God. Times I focus on praying and depending upon God, and times I focus on doing...neither seem to have availed, which leaves me confused. Friends have seen my struggle and see the need for me to release and let go, breath in God's Peace. I have to find the sweet spot between being okay with this route and being true to who I am. I am a fighter, I expect much of myself and others, but yet need to see life not through my own finite eyes, but through Christ's eternal eyes.
I'm learning to listen more closely, to obey more fully and Trust without abandon. To be honest, I suck at it! Thankfully, our Pastor has taught for months, with one sentence being the basic principle, "Follow God, & He will change you." It is this that I must do! Luckily, it is the only thing I can do.
Laundry and life beckons...so my story must pause, but this past Saturday morning was one of completely risking and abandoning in faith. A circumstance, orchestrated by God, that required obedience, rashness, risk and potential loss. Something that may result in amazement, or may purely be about obedience? Stay tuned for the details...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
quiet...waiting...
A few moments of quietness...day 3 of the new school year with all three kids in school. My little Grace is in Kindergarten and while she's so thrilled, and I'm glad to have a short time to accomplish tasks and choose what I want to do, it's change!
*Sidenote - I'm listening to Gungor's, "Beautiful Things," & WOW (it's in my playlist, check it out)! Passionate, moving, intimate, deep, humbling and true! LOVE IT!
I haven't posted for the past 3 months and it accurately portrays the reality of my summer months, not one moment for myself! Turns out 12 & 10 year old boys are not anymore able to self-entertain than they were when they were 3 & 1! A constant vigil over them staying out of trouble was how I spent most of my energy. I am so blessed to know them so closely and be available for the many life lessons we've entered into this summer, but I am tired. I need to spend time re-acquainting me with myself.
Both boys, thanks to my mom, aka, Gran, attended Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp, on the Oregon Coast and had a blast. We swam a ton, despite the slow start to summer weather, had a glorious week in Bend, OR as a family and spent many hours in close quarters at home.
In accordance with the same lesson I seem to learn & re-learn, while we were on our family vacation in Bend, Brian received an e-mail about a job he had applied for months prior. We had devised a strict and "light yourself on fire," (Dave Ramsey) marketing plan for two companies we felt were a good match in value & position for Brian to hound for a job. We worked it and of course, the interview would be delivered by God's provision, not our work!! His first interview went stellar, we followed rigid protocol, sent thank you notes, follow-up emails etc...the second interview was great and now we find ourselves in a common spot, WAITING! No immediate gratification here! Again, we email, leave messages and pray for God's will to be revealed. It is not easy and knowing I have no control (but God does) is only head knowledge some moments and not really something I practice. I remind myself....and painfully wait. I'm anxious for disappointment, it's really our most experienced emotion.
*Sidenote - I'm listening to Gungor's, "Beautiful Things," & WOW (it's in my playlist, check it out)! Passionate, moving, intimate, deep, humbling and true! LOVE IT!
I haven't posted for the past 3 months and it accurately portrays the reality of my summer months, not one moment for myself! Turns out 12 & 10 year old boys are not anymore able to self-entertain than they were when they were 3 & 1! A constant vigil over them staying out of trouble was how I spent most of my energy. I am so blessed to know them so closely and be available for the many life lessons we've entered into this summer, but I am tired. I need to spend time re-acquainting me with myself.
Both boys, thanks to my mom, aka, Gran, attended Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp, on the Oregon Coast and had a blast. We swam a ton, despite the slow start to summer weather, had a glorious week in Bend, OR as a family and spent many hours in close quarters at home.
In accordance with the same lesson I seem to learn & re-learn, while we were on our family vacation in Bend, Brian received an e-mail about a job he had applied for months prior. We had devised a strict and "light yourself on fire," (Dave Ramsey) marketing plan for two companies we felt were a good match in value & position for Brian to hound for a job. We worked it and of course, the interview would be delivered by God's provision, not our work!! His first interview went stellar, we followed rigid protocol, sent thank you notes, follow-up emails etc...the second interview was great and now we find ourselves in a common spot, WAITING! No immediate gratification here! Again, we email, leave messages and pray for God's will to be revealed. It is not easy and knowing I have no control (but God does) is only head knowledge some moments and not really something I practice. I remind myself....and painfully wait. I'm anxious for disappointment, it's really our most experienced emotion.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
not now
I have this certain question that keeps plaguing me with anxiousness. Just when I believe that I'm confident of my answer, something, usually a story, book, blog, or real life event occurs that gnaws into my heart and causes me to re-think, or re-submit. It has emerged recently due to, of all things, a garage-sale! We were once again, going through things to purge and share with others and I came upon them, "Gracyn's outgrown clothes!" They haunt and torment me! I/We, do not debate having another biological child (LORD, please do not teach me, Not My Will But Thine, in this way!) However, adoption is and will forever be, a passion & love. How can you possibly have one of the MOST amazing, eye opening experiences in your life and not have your heart remain soft to the opportunity of going through it all again? I continually wrestle with this and desperately beg God for a definite answer. All I can know is my answer for this moment and it is, Not Now. So I quickly re-pose, as if God didn't hear the whole question....not now? not ever? like in 5 years? my quiver is full? what age? china? wouldn't a sister close to grace's age be best? i love the 12-18 month age? we're getting too old! i can't possibly! i can't be done? {I turn into, basically, a badgering 2 year old.}
Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.
Just so you know God, I would really like to know! It obviously isn't for me to understand at this moment.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle!
My reading as of late has included Photography Business & Marketing, thus leaving my head full, but heart a bit empty, so when a friend recommended a great read and company to discuss it, I was in!
I have been missing my California days of an awesome book club that read Fiction Novels together; we discussed them over coffee and even an occasional movie, dinner & phone call with the Author. While looking for small groups at our new church, www.LakesideChurch.com, a book club was presented and although I do enjoy reading, I would hardly call myself an avid-reader. I took the opportunity to meet new people, to be a part of something new, and it turned out that I loved it! Since leaving California and my book club, I have missed the thrill of a good book and better yet, friends to discuss, provoke thought & challenge in my thinking.
"One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp delivers vivid, descriptive, feeling filled writing with the graphic existence that we so often bump-up-against in life. Her story begins with a gripping childhood horror story of her little sister's death in the road outside their rural farm home. Her first memory and the bitter reality of this world's cold truth and it is something we can all relate to. Maybe not death of a sibling, or child, but, LOSS itself. "One Thousand Gifts," is the journey how one woman, mother, sister, friend, searches for meaning and fullness in a dream crushing, world. It's the exploration of "living fully so we are fully ready to die."
And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...{Luke 22:19} "He gave thanks: reads "Eucharisteo." Charis means "grace," (a name and word close to my heart!) And, Chara, meaning "joy." Joy & Grace, closely intertwined...
Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.
Jesus offered thanks even amidst the most difficult upcoming event and wants us to do the same. "Thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." Communion is about "celebrating greater gain through great loss."
These first two chapters are brutally convicting, a blow to exactly where I stand in pride, argument & disobedience to my God. As I sit in church today, I realize that there are so many things going right in my life. Why is it that the one area that sucks seems to envelop my thinking and seep into and contaminate everything else? In a word, Satan, in another, Sin.
I knew this book was about being thankful, but I didn't realize that it would require such trust and abandon.
I have been missing my California days of an awesome book club that read Fiction Novels together; we discussed them over coffee and even an occasional movie, dinner & phone call with the Author. While looking for small groups at our new church, www.LakesideChurch.com, a book club was presented and although I do enjoy reading, I would hardly call myself an avid-reader. I took the opportunity to meet new people, to be a part of something new, and it turned out that I loved it! Since leaving California and my book club, I have missed the thrill of a good book and better yet, friends to discuss, provoke thought & challenge in my thinking.
"One Thousand Gifts," by Ann Voskamp delivers vivid, descriptive, feeling filled writing with the graphic existence that we so often bump-up-against in life. Her story begins with a gripping childhood horror story of her little sister's death in the road outside their rural farm home. Her first memory and the bitter reality of this world's cold truth and it is something we can all relate to. Maybe not death of a sibling, or child, but, LOSS itself. "One Thousand Gifts," is the journey how one woman, mother, sister, friend, searches for meaning and fullness in a dream crushing, world. It's the exploration of "living fully so we are fully ready to die."
And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them...{Luke 22:19} "He gave thanks: reads "Eucharisteo." Charis means "grace," (a name and word close to my heart!) And, Chara, meaning "joy." Joy & Grace, closely intertwined...
Grace, thanksgiving, joy. Eucharisteo.
Jesus offered thanks even amidst the most difficult upcoming event and wants us to do the same. "Thanksgiving-always precedes the miracle." Communion is about "celebrating greater gain through great loss."
These first two chapters are brutally convicting, a blow to exactly where I stand in pride, argument & disobedience to my God. As I sit in church today, I realize that there are so many things going right in my life. Why is it that the one area that sucks seems to envelop my thinking and seep into and contaminate everything else? In a word, Satan, in another, Sin.
I knew this book was about being thankful, but I didn't realize that it would require such trust and abandon.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
My NEVER AGAIN moment
Not many days go by that I don't just randomly state, "I Love Dave Ramsey!" And today is no exception. While listening to his radio broadcast, he made a statement to a caller that had a profound effect on me. I haven't had many "A ha Moments" lately, which leaves me to wonder whether I'm not hearing or reading anything worthy, or if I personally am on a plateau of weighty thoughts?
Dave often talks about his own financial ruin and how he learned to change his thinking with regards to debt. At the bottom, he had a "NEVER AGAIN" moment that forever changed his path.
I have had more "NEVER AGAIN" moments in my life than "A ha" ones, for sure! I have managed, in all my wisdom and education, to make a butt-load of, what-turned-out-to-be, bad decisions, thus leading my straight into "NEVER AGAIN" reflection! When we sold our under-valued dream house and headed to live with family in a declining job market and economy, I can truthfully say that not one person told us we were wise, or doing the right thing. Although a choice so drastic is not for everyone, it was what was right for us. We had already been through over a decade and a half of financial ebbs and flows that are a reality in the Real Estate business and knew, also from experience, that financing this hardship through debt was not a road we wanted to pick. However, when the tough road we chose was not laiden with gold and dreams were quickly dashed because this sacrifice did not immediately pay-off or out, I began to question. The next 18 months were ones of struggle and while we were blessed in ways we only now see, while in it, felt like we were upon the storm of our lives.
So today, when Dave Ramsey spoke of getting to the point through life's trials of having the Never Again moment, I felt hope! Even though I do feel as if we made the smartest decisions possible, and even though we gave up so much and endured a washers experience of life...we can truly say, "NEVER AGAIN!" We will be more cautious in the size of home we purchase, we will continue to use cash and not debt to buy items, we will guard our six month, just in case emergency fund, we will commit to paying off our home early etc...because, I NEVER AGAIN want to be placed in a situation where I have to choose to let it all go in order to stay out of debt!
To read more about Dave Ramsey's Radical financial strategies, check out www.DaveRamsey.com and one of his many books, "The Total Money Makeover."
Friday, April 8, 2011
Wear rubber boots...
We are on our last day of our weeks vacation in Long Beach, WA. It has been a humble vacation, one that keeps us on our tight budget, but a break away none-the-less. One of the days, we drove to Ledbetter Point Park for a hike. We chose the 2.8 mile loop and headed out with blue skies and great expectations. As life often brings, we were in for a tad-wetter and longer trek than we had planned! We burrowed through the thick vegetation and sometimes mucky trail, feeling great as we came upon the last .9 mile sign. "Sweet, less than a mile to go," we innocently thought and even shared aloud! The rain began and the trail shrunk and we found ourselves within minutes of the end of the trail with a full-on flood looming over and entirely around the path. We took inventory of the thick terrain and flooded path and found no way possible to pass. We turned around and headed back the way we came, probably around 2.6 miles!
The weather was coming down fairly steadily by now, hair soaked and thighs-cold from the beating rain and all I could think, was, "What did I miss that God felt the need to send me back to catch?" I hate these re-do types of life-lessons! I can't say I had a life-altering encounter with myself on the reverse hike back, but the irony of it all is not lost on me either. If nothing else...wear rubber boots when hiking on the Western side of the state!!
The weather was coming down fairly steadily by now, hair soaked and thighs-cold from the beating rain and all I could think, was, "What did I miss that God felt the need to send me back to catch?" I hate these re-do types of life-lessons! I can't say I had a life-altering encounter with myself on the reverse hike back, but the irony of it all is not lost on me either. If nothing else...wear rubber boots when hiking on the Western side of the state!!
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