Looking for the boat, not the Rescuer!

Often when much time lapses between posts it is because most of what I have to say is negative and frankly I don't want to be negative and I really don't want a permanent record of my negativity! So as I return to public emotional sharing, I am cautious what, and when, I write. I find myself wondering if David felt this way when writing the Psalms? The ones that I read when I can only wallow in sadness and I'm not strong enough to read about hope and joy. Thank goodness God can meet us in the valley and on top of the mountain!
This past month has taken me into depths that seem grim and are uninviting. Ones that are lonely and where I've felt hopelessness. I know that Satan loves to usher me into these hidden rooms, filled with darkness, despair and shame. I try to talk myself out of feeling this way, however, it is often like using a spoon in a mile-wide hole. I do know that talking about how I feel, ALWAYS makes me feel better. I am relational by nature and so usually it is the first place I go when I'm feeling low, but occasionally, when these waves that make me tumble under the water's surface and gasp for breath, come, talking is the last thing I can do. It is really as if I literally can not muster the strength to speak. When I finally lean into my precious friends and open-up, relief comes bursting through, usually instantaneously. Turning on the light spooks away the shadows, the unknown and the cowardly devil who lurks about, waiting to devour me.
I am so prone to sin it's ridiculous! I am knowingly ungrateful and on top of that, guilt ridden for it. I am beginning to understand how sin leads to death if not kept in check. What doesn't get you coming, surely will going! All this to say, while this life if brutal and I surely don't make it any easier, it continues, and I grow just a smudge through each battle. I am having to learn not to be lead by emotions. They ebb & flow way too much. I find myself in the deepest holes, when I become too eager too quickly. When a tiny spark and glimmer of hope is inflated to my life preserver and then turns out to be.....A ROCK. Maybe if my desperation is for God and not a fix to my trials, I'll find less emotional upheaval when things don't turn out the way I hope or the way I've constructed God's will. I've been addicted to looking for the rescue boat, not the Rescuer! I feel like God is saying, "I'm Right Here!" and my response is, "Who are you sending to save me?" I'm not a fan of this unveiling because I'm a doer. Submitting to God is not about doing and I don't like things I'm not good at.
God, thank you for revealing my sin as I write this. I do not like it, but I accept your correction and dive into Your Grace. Help me to see You, My Rescuer!