Today is one of those days where you just throw up your arms and YELL, "WHY?"
When I was in high school, I ran the 400 meter race in Track. I was rated highly in our district, won most of my events, went to District every year and ran at State all four years for the 1600M Relay and once for the 400 where I placed 6th. (I believe my Relay team may still hold the school record to this day.) My name was embroidered into my Sherwood Bowman warm-up jacket and I loved coming onto the track and knowing my competitors knew who I was! For those of you who are unfamiliar with Track, as a sport, Intimidation Is Necessary!! It can win races!
Confidence overlays where practice, speed, and strategy may fall short. And, yes there is strategy beyond running your fastest for a quarter-of-a-mile.
In our relay team, I always ran first. On a typical team, the quickest runs the final leg, making-up any difference and to WIN. Although, depending on the make-up of our team, I often had the best time, I was not the strongest closer! My great friend, Tiffany was! It did not matter how far she was behind, forcing her to run an all time best....she would GET IT DONE! She had the tenacity, strength and sheer will to overcome. She Always ran our final leg and we knew she would never, ever quit.
Today, we once again, after 2 lengthy interviews, drug-testing, personality testing and hope....hear that a job is not going to be offered to Brian. Did I mention this has taken place over 6 Long months?! We have put ourselves out there over and over for this job. The emotional ups & downs have been lofty....we've nearly given up, and then tried again, during this process. But it is at the end.
I could say, "God's in control," (and He is)! I could say, "It's for the best," but disappointment is the first thing that greets me behind that door. A better description would be: I'm sucked into the house, like oxygen is heaved forward caused by a vacuum effect in a burning building! "WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY??"
And then I remember, "My God is Greater, My God is Stronger, My God is Higher than any other, Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our GOD!" And I take another breath and I Don't Ever Quit, even though I'm sure I'm not able on my own. And God says, "PERFECT," NOW LET ME!"
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Gift
While we often talk about China and adoption in our house, this past year in Grace's life, she has become more aware & contemplative. Her questions come more often and she is putting together the pieces and meaning of adoption in her mind.
It broke my heart to know that as she matured, she'd not only hear the amazement side of her adoption story, but also feel the tinge of hurt and experience loss. The Story of GRACE has changed the course of everything! {Doesn't it always!!} Despair in wanting a baby, the HOPE adoption brings and the JOY in the experience is beyond words.
***This song is for GRACE!
THE GIFT (Jim Brickman)
Winter snow is falling down
Children laughing all around
Lights are turning on
like a fairy tale come true.
Sitting by the fire we made
You're the answer when I prayed
I would find someone
and baby I found you.
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
and I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
Watching as you softly sleep
What I'd give if I could keep
Just this moment
if only time stood still.
But the colors fade away
And the years will make us grey
But baby in my eyes
You'll still be beautiful.
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
I can't find the words to say
That I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
Yesterday, we were talking about Cyrus, our Boston Terrier and she asked if he missed his mom. I really felt, we were no longer talking about the dog, but how she may be feeling. I asked her if she missed her China mom...she broke down, tear-eyed and said in her sweet, delicate little voice..."I don't even remember what she looks like."
I held her...
we found a picture of her "Finding Spot," and talked in more detail than we ever had.
She needs to know.
It pains me greatly.
We do not know any specifics, just about the One Child Policy imposed in 1979 and how it has caused many children, many infant girls, to be placed into orphanages.
Because of our belief in GOD, we know that He knew and ordained Grace to be in our family. Even when God's plan come together in miraculous order, there can still be pain.
Grace, I LOVE YOU more and deeper than I ever thought I could experience love. The miracle of you coming to our family only makes me more grateful for you. The color of our skin may be different, our eyes are not the same, but YOU ARE a part of me! I feel your joy & your pain! Our family is not complete without YOU! Thank you GOD for THE GIFT!
It broke my heart to know that as she matured, she'd not only hear the amazement side of her adoption story, but also feel the tinge of hurt and experience loss. The Story of GRACE has changed the course of everything! {Doesn't it always!!} Despair in wanting a baby, the HOPE adoption brings and the JOY in the experience is beyond words.
***This song is for GRACE!
THE GIFT (Jim Brickman)
Winter snow is falling down
Children laughing all around
Lights are turning on
like a fairy tale come true.
Sitting by the fire we made
You're the answer when I prayed
I would find someone
and baby I found you.
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
and I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
Watching as you softly sleep
What I'd give if I could keep
Just this moment
if only time stood still.
But the colors fade away
And the years will make us grey
But baby in my eyes
You'll still be beautiful.
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart
from being broken apart
You gave your love away
I can't find the words to say
That I'm thankful every day
for the gift.
Yesterday, we were talking about Cyrus, our Boston Terrier and she asked if he missed his mom. I really felt, we were no longer talking about the dog, but how she may be feeling. I asked her if she missed her China mom...she broke down, tear-eyed and said in her sweet, delicate little voice..."I don't even remember what she looks like."
I held her...
we found a picture of her "Finding Spot," and talked in more detail than we ever had.
She needs to know.
It pains me greatly.
We do not know any specifics, just about the One Child Policy imposed in 1979 and how it has caused many children, many infant girls, to be placed into orphanages.
Because of our belief in GOD, we know that He knew and ordained Grace to be in our family. Even when God's plan come together in miraculous order, there can still be pain.
Grace, I LOVE YOU more and deeper than I ever thought I could experience love. The miracle of you coming to our family only makes me more grateful for you. The color of our skin may be different, our eyes are not the same, but YOU ARE a part of me! I feel your joy & your pain! Our family is not complete without YOU! Thank you GOD for THE GIFT!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Forgetfulness and my Ebenezer stone
I am forgetful! I know this about myself and have tools in-place in my life to compensate for it, but I do still forget. This seems to coincide with human, sinful nature and my relationship with God. This past week, God has literally, placed me where I needed to be (working miraculous to get me there), given me and idea and words to accomplish this task (miraculous enough to MOVE a CEO of a bank to place a personal phone call to my husband about a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I STILL have DOUBT and fear and disbelief!!!! I know...
I am humbled back into God's Word and his arms because I cannot do it on my own. Even the Mac-Daddy of miracles, and I still remain faithless. I found the Old Testament story of the Israelites victory over the Philistines, led by Samuel. How, while they ..."were afraid" (v7) and "They said to Samuel, Do not stop crying out to the LORD our God for us, that he may rescue us from the hand of the Philistines." (v8) and then Samuel offered a sacrifice and cried out to God. "He cried out to the LORD on Israel's behalf, and the LORD answered him." (v9) And after that victory, 12"Samuel took a stone and set it up between Miszpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." 13 So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again."
In the story, I am the Israelites, who continue to not get it! I hear God's voice, strong and clear, I feel God's presence, I feel God's direction, and yet, moments later I stumble. I giggle when I read James 1:23-24, and yet, it suddenly isn't so funny because I find myself doing it. 23 "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." Moments after God has revealed Himself in miraculous ways, I forget.
God, I offer a sacrifice of myself, my pride, my fear, my control, my doubt. I know You are good and that Your timing is not mine, that faith is a moment by moment choice and I choose to believe even though I am fearful and weak. Please increase my faith. I write this as my Ebenezer stone, remembering and commemorating that the LORD helped us.
I am humbled back into God's Word and his arms because I cannot do it on my own. Even the Mac-Daddy of miracles, and I still remain faithless. I found the Old Testament story of the Israelites victory over the Philistines, led by Samuel. How, while they ..."were afraid" (v7) and "They said to Samuel, Do not stop crying out to the LORD our God for us, that he may rescue us from the hand of the Philistines." (v8) and then Samuel offered a sacrifice and cried out to God. "He cried out to the LORD on Israel's behalf, and the LORD answered him." (v9) And after that victory, 12"Samuel took a stone and set it up between Miszpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." 13 So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again."
In the story, I am the Israelites, who continue to not get it! I hear God's voice, strong and clear, I feel God's presence, I feel God's direction, and yet, moments later I stumble. I giggle when I read James 1:23-24, and yet, it suddenly isn't so funny because I find myself doing it. 23 "Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like." Moments after God has revealed Himself in miraculous ways, I forget.
God, I offer a sacrifice of myself, my pride, my fear, my control, my doubt. I know You are good and that Your timing is not mine, that faith is a moment by moment choice and I choose to believe even though I am fearful and weak. Please increase my faith. I write this as my Ebenezer stone, remembering and commemorating that the LORD helped us.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Divine Appointment
...HE CALLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, now that doesn't mean much because I have not told the rest of the story...so here it goes...
Since taking the job and working events, my schedule takes place in the evenings. Many things happen during our week, being a typical busy family with sports, string and choir concerts, special occasions, biblestudy etc...so my general philosophy has been to let God be in control of making my schedule and request as little off as possible, without missing HUGELY important events in my family.
My middle son had a birthday coming up and I opted not to request the day off, but again, lay it in God's capable hands and make his special day whatever one I wasn't working.
I got my schedule and I was scheduled to work his birthday, we rearranged things so we could do a family celebration the day before and his party was the day after. No Problem (a little guilt though, to be completely honest.) I then received an e-mail from my employer saying that the event had been moved and I'd be off!!
Hurray, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
All was great until I got a call from work, the day before his birthday, asking me to fill in for another event, on that same night. After talking to Brian and feeling at peace, I agreed and was scheduled to work an "In Home," event at a clients personal residence. I soon learned that the party was a formal baby shower and the host was the CEO and Chairman of a local B A N K! (Hmmm) We went to the event, set-up, served, hosted and I prayed that an opportunity may arise for me to make a connection for Brian, in regards to a possible job lead.
The party ended, and while I am a bold writer, I am very shy and professional in person, careful not to mix personal with work. We get ready to leave and the hosts give me a check, as a gratuity. Now, the amount was almost THREE TIMES, any gratuity I had ever received and while my bottom lip hit the floor, I excitedly drove away, praising God for this blessing, especially, in knowing the struggles I had had in working this particular evening.
While driving home and just talking to God about the irony of me being in the CEO of a BANKS house, while we are desperately trying to find my husband a job (with 15 years of finance experience!!) it becomes even clearer that this was a DIVINE APPOINTMENT, set by God and should not be wasted! God continued to impress upon me that I should send the generous amount back, share part of our story, and ask him for something far more valuable....his time.
While I am confident with my own writing ability, this letter was truly God inspired! It was not ME! The words poured out, exuding honesty, vulnerability and asking for something far beyond my wildest dreams...a personal meeting and consideration for a position within his company for my husband.
The letter was sent on Friday, we received a call fourteen days later!! PRAISE GOD! He moved moutains!!
Ok, now that doesn't mean much because I have not told the rest of the story...so here it goes...
Since taking the job and working events, my schedule takes place in the evenings. Many things happen during our week, being a typical busy family with sports, string and choir concerts, special occasions, biblestudy etc...so my general philosophy has been to let God be in control of making my schedule and request as little off as possible, without missing HUGELY important events in my family.
My middle son had a birthday coming up and I opted not to request the day off, but again, lay it in God's capable hands and make his special day whatever one I wasn't working.
I got my schedule and I was scheduled to work his birthday, we rearranged things so we could do a family celebration the day before and his party was the day after. No Problem (a little guilt though, to be completely honest.) I then received an e-mail from my employer saying that the event had been moved and I'd be off!!
Hurray, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
All was great until I got a call from work, the day before his birthday, asking me to fill in for another event, on that same night. After talking to Brian and feeling at peace, I agreed and was scheduled to work an "In Home," event at a clients personal residence. I soon learned that the party was a formal baby shower and the host was the CEO and Chairman of a local B A N K! (Hmmm) We went to the event, set-up, served, hosted and I prayed that an opportunity may arise for me to make a connection for Brian, in regards to a possible job lead.
The party ended, and while I am a bold writer, I am very shy and professional in person, careful not to mix personal with work. We get ready to leave and the hosts give me a check, as a gratuity. Now, the amount was almost THREE TIMES, any gratuity I had ever received and while my bottom lip hit the floor, I excitedly drove away, praising God for this blessing, especially, in knowing the struggles I had had in working this particular evening.
While driving home and just talking to God about the irony of me being in the CEO of a BANKS house, while we are desperately trying to find my husband a job (with 15 years of finance experience!!) it becomes even clearer that this was a DIVINE APPOINTMENT, set by God and should not be wasted! God continued to impress upon me that I should send the generous amount back, share part of our story, and ask him for something far more valuable....his time.
While I am confident with my own writing ability, this letter was truly God inspired! It was not ME! The words poured out, exuding honesty, vulnerability and asking for something far beyond my wildest dreams...a personal meeting and consideration for a position within his company for my husband.
The letter was sent on Friday, we received a call fourteen days later!! PRAISE GOD! He moved moutains!!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
"Follow God & He will change you."
I made an appointment with writing and God today, because although I've prayed and sought Him, I am craving seeing, touching and feeling His Words and Hearing His Voice speak only to me today.
The past months have been relentless, financial burdens have been in-my-face since signing up and attending the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Course through our church! On about week 3 I renamed it..."Financial NOT-Peace," due to the intensity and marital discord being strewn about in it's path! There were moments I questioned everything, I was humbled and broken, mean, fearful...Oh was I fearful! However, my loving and patient husband, held on, pursued me and talked to me, as we began to un-layer the issues. We began to dream, plan and design Hope once again. After being beat and kicked in the face so many times, hope begins to fade, cynicism becomes a good friend, doubt a shadow and FEAR, an unshakable enemy. The Faith and Hope I've known all along becomes dulled and distant, the enemy whispers that those attributes of God are for some, maybe the "best" believers, the privileged...but not for me. So shaking these lies requires valence and confidence....AND GOD! I could never do it...never, never, by myself. "For everyone born of God overcomes the world..."
Slowly, I regain traction, able to hear ever so faintly, the sweet Hope that is Jesus, that He offer's freely to me. It is an outright battle! "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, PUT ON...STAND FIRM...TAKE UP...AND PRAY!" (emphasis added, portions of Ephesians 6:10 - 18)
It is not passive, it is exhausting. I do it for my husband, for my children, for my God and myself, because I know the TRUTH, now I must do it! As I write this, I am not THERE. I have not arrived, but I am fighting. It is bloody, it requires sacrifice and pain, risk beyond where I am comfortable and so much more.
What does it literally look like? I found a job, something I've hated the idea of! Something I've prayed that would not be required because my heart is and has always been to be with my children full-time. I humbly serve at a Catering Company, something I have experience in and allows for flexible evening hours to accommodate our three kids' schedules. Brian sacrifices sleep, by working from 7:00 - 3:00 so he can be available to be home for the kids, cook, clean, laundry, bus & homework the kids while I'm away. We both sacrifice precious time together and relaxation in order to pick up the slack. I've missed soccer game highlights, dinners, communication, even a birthday, to be available to work. Dave Ramsey's motto is, "Live like no one else, so you can Live like no one else," and it is this mantra that get's me through some days. This is not forever, it is for a time.
One of the pivotal beliefs I've struggled with through this is FAITH. When the crap hits the fan, will I cling to knowing God has my back and my best interest, or cling to fear and my own devices? I wrestle with the balance of working at things on my own, versus letting God. Times I focus on praying and depending upon God, and times I focus on doing...neither seem to have availed, which leaves me confused. Friends have seen my struggle and see the need for me to release and let go, breath in God's Peace. I have to find the sweet spot between being okay with this route and being true to who I am. I am a fighter, I expect much of myself and others, but yet need to see life not through my own finite eyes, but through Christ's eternal eyes.
I'm learning to listen more closely, to obey more fully and Trust without abandon. To be honest, I suck at it! Thankfully, our Pastor has taught for months, with one sentence being the basic principle, "Follow God, & He will change you." It is this that I must do! Luckily, it is the only thing I can do.
Laundry and life beckons...so my story must pause, but this past Saturday morning was one of completely risking and abandoning in faith. A circumstance, orchestrated by God, that required obedience, rashness, risk and potential loss. Something that may result in amazement, or may purely be about obedience? Stay tuned for the details...
The past months have been relentless, financial burdens have been in-my-face since signing up and attending the Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Course through our church! On about week 3 I renamed it..."Financial NOT-Peace," due to the intensity and marital discord being strewn about in it's path! There were moments I questioned everything, I was humbled and broken, mean, fearful...Oh was I fearful! However, my loving and patient husband, held on, pursued me and talked to me, as we began to un-layer the issues. We began to dream, plan and design Hope once again. After being beat and kicked in the face so many times, hope begins to fade, cynicism becomes a good friend, doubt a shadow and FEAR, an unshakable enemy. The Faith and Hope I've known all along becomes dulled and distant, the enemy whispers that those attributes of God are for some, maybe the "best" believers, the privileged...but not for me. So shaking these lies requires valence and confidence....AND GOD! I could never do it...never, never, by myself. "For everyone born of God overcomes the world..."
Slowly, I regain traction, able to hear ever so faintly, the sweet Hope that is Jesus, that He offer's freely to me. It is an outright battle! "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, PUT ON...STAND FIRM...TAKE UP...AND PRAY!" (emphasis added, portions of Ephesians 6:10 - 18)
It is not passive, it is exhausting. I do it for my husband, for my children, for my God and myself, because I know the TRUTH, now I must do it! As I write this, I am not THERE. I have not arrived, but I am fighting. It is bloody, it requires sacrifice and pain, risk beyond where I am comfortable and so much more.
What does it literally look like? I found a job, something I've hated the idea of! Something I've prayed that would not be required because my heart is and has always been to be with my children full-time. I humbly serve at a Catering Company, something I have experience in and allows for flexible evening hours to accommodate our three kids' schedules. Brian sacrifices sleep, by working from 7:00 - 3:00 so he can be available to be home for the kids, cook, clean, laundry, bus & homework the kids while I'm away. We both sacrifice precious time together and relaxation in order to pick up the slack. I've missed soccer game highlights, dinners, communication, even a birthday, to be available to work. Dave Ramsey's motto is, "Live like no one else, so you can Live like no one else," and it is this mantra that get's me through some days. This is not forever, it is for a time.
One of the pivotal beliefs I've struggled with through this is FAITH. When the crap hits the fan, will I cling to knowing God has my back and my best interest, or cling to fear and my own devices? I wrestle with the balance of working at things on my own, versus letting God. Times I focus on praying and depending upon God, and times I focus on doing...neither seem to have availed, which leaves me confused. Friends have seen my struggle and see the need for me to release and let go, breath in God's Peace. I have to find the sweet spot between being okay with this route and being true to who I am. I am a fighter, I expect much of myself and others, but yet need to see life not through my own finite eyes, but through Christ's eternal eyes.
I'm learning to listen more closely, to obey more fully and Trust without abandon. To be honest, I suck at it! Thankfully, our Pastor has taught for months, with one sentence being the basic principle, "Follow God, & He will change you." It is this that I must do! Luckily, it is the only thing I can do.
Laundry and life beckons...so my story must pause, but this past Saturday morning was one of completely risking and abandoning in faith. A circumstance, orchestrated by God, that required obedience, rashness, risk and potential loss. Something that may result in amazement, or may purely be about obedience? Stay tuned for the details...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
quiet...waiting...
A few moments of quietness...day 3 of the new school year with all three kids in school. My little Grace is in Kindergarten and while she's so thrilled, and I'm glad to have a short time to accomplish tasks and choose what I want to do, it's change!
*Sidenote - I'm listening to Gungor's, "Beautiful Things," & WOW (it's in my playlist, check it out)! Passionate, moving, intimate, deep, humbling and true! LOVE IT!
I haven't posted for the past 3 months and it accurately portrays the reality of my summer months, not one moment for myself! Turns out 12 & 10 year old boys are not anymore able to self-entertain than they were when they were 3 & 1! A constant vigil over them staying out of trouble was how I spent most of my energy. I am so blessed to know them so closely and be available for the many life lessons we've entered into this summer, but I am tired. I need to spend time re-acquainting me with myself.
Both boys, thanks to my mom, aka, Gran, attended Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp, on the Oregon Coast and had a blast. We swam a ton, despite the slow start to summer weather, had a glorious week in Bend, OR as a family and spent many hours in close quarters at home.
In accordance with the same lesson I seem to learn & re-learn, while we were on our family vacation in Bend, Brian received an e-mail about a job he had applied for months prior. We had devised a strict and "light yourself on fire," (Dave Ramsey) marketing plan for two companies we felt were a good match in value & position for Brian to hound for a job. We worked it and of course, the interview would be delivered by God's provision, not our work!! His first interview went stellar, we followed rigid protocol, sent thank you notes, follow-up emails etc...the second interview was great and now we find ourselves in a common spot, WAITING! No immediate gratification here! Again, we email, leave messages and pray for God's will to be revealed. It is not easy and knowing I have no control (but God does) is only head knowledge some moments and not really something I practice. I remind myself....and painfully wait. I'm anxious for disappointment, it's really our most experienced emotion.
*Sidenote - I'm listening to Gungor's, "Beautiful Things," & WOW (it's in my playlist, check it out)! Passionate, moving, intimate, deep, humbling and true! LOVE IT!
I haven't posted for the past 3 months and it accurately portrays the reality of my summer months, not one moment for myself! Turns out 12 & 10 year old boys are not anymore able to self-entertain than they were when they were 3 & 1! A constant vigil over them staying out of trouble was how I spent most of my energy. I am so blessed to know them so closely and be available for the many life lessons we've entered into this summer, but I am tired. I need to spend time re-acquainting me with myself.
Both boys, thanks to my mom, aka, Gran, attended Wi-Ne-Ma Christian Camp, on the Oregon Coast and had a blast. We swam a ton, despite the slow start to summer weather, had a glorious week in Bend, OR as a family and spent many hours in close quarters at home.
In accordance with the same lesson I seem to learn & re-learn, while we were on our family vacation in Bend, Brian received an e-mail about a job he had applied for months prior. We had devised a strict and "light yourself on fire," (Dave Ramsey) marketing plan for two companies we felt were a good match in value & position for Brian to hound for a job. We worked it and of course, the interview would be delivered by God's provision, not our work!! His first interview went stellar, we followed rigid protocol, sent thank you notes, follow-up emails etc...the second interview was great and now we find ourselves in a common spot, WAITING! No immediate gratification here! Again, we email, leave messages and pray for God's will to be revealed. It is not easy and knowing I have no control (but God does) is only head knowledge some moments and not really something I practice. I remind myself....and painfully wait. I'm anxious for disappointment, it's really our most experienced emotion.
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